j.blog

Giving thanks

2006-11-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

today i give thanks for ...

the woman on flickr who takes self portraits every day and writes imaginative tales to go with them
the look of love in the eyes of my friends when i see them
the way drumming allows me to express otherwise unknowable pieces of me
murals on city walls
various friends i've never met
annie's alfredo macaroni & cheese with broccoli
that wonderful and frustrating thing called family
dancing
stretching
pushing the edges of my comfort to help me expand farther than i knew possible
those last 5 minutes in bed
the smell after a warm rain
the gut-wrenching agony of true loss
all the gadgets and gizmos i have available to play with
the multitudes of people who inspire me

i give thanks for patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness
the remote and uninhabited places left in the world
mountains of snow and my feet strapped to a board (ha ha, when i first wrote that it said "bard")

i give thanks for grace and humility
i give thanks for hands-down, unapologetic living

i give thanks for ...
the mohawk i just gave myself
friends becoming parents and the little ones they bring into the world
puppies
power tools
the previous 2 items not being in the same place at the same time
self-love (no, not like that!) ... (okay, like that, too!)
how you can find out about almost anything on the internet
art so honest you can't look away
rumi, rilke, cummings, silverstein, and seuss
hot tubs
women who ride motorcycles and weld
chocolate cake
massage
doing things just because
me
you
yeah ... even you!

today i give thanks for life

jinx

2006-10-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

okay, so i totally jinxed myself yesterday. as i was walking to my train, i thought to myself, "maybe i'm wrong, maybe i don't get sick everytime everyone around me is sick." - because it's been like 2-3 weeks that i've been surrounded by sick people, and i was feeling fine.

this is something called foreshadowing. i learned it in high school and it still comes back to bite me in the ass sometimes.

yup. i'm sick. rather, to put it in more positive terms (read: silly northern california language) ... i am not at full wellness. some people think that illness is just a frame of mind. me .. i like to think it's from germs i get from spending an hour and a half of my day crammed into a small space with 100+ other people.

so be it.

my throat hurts, my head hurts, my body hurts, but it will pass.

against my better judgment and my desire to stay away from most western medicine, i just took some tylenol pm and some sudafed.

i should be trippin' any minute now ... that should be fun until i pass out. :)

FOUND

2006-10-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

so i sent this note into Found Magazine like, 2 years ago or longer. Back when Madhavi and I were still living together. I randomly did a Google search for my name just now and this came up as number two. strange.

No Brian

hello old friend

2006-09-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

So it’s been awhile since I last blogged. I’ve been taking a break from the computer to give my arms a rest. My RSI (Repetitive Stress Injury) in my right arm has been flaring up lately and that’s a sign that my body wants a break. So I took a couple weeks off before starting my new job and spent a week in Hawaii and then some time at Harbin Hot Springs and camping at Bruinslair.

A lot of the vacation time was to examine this rut I feel I’d been in: uninspired, unmotivated, unhappy … no fun! I spent a lot of time reflecting on an aspect of my personality that I want to change – that part of me that will spend time focusing on the one or two things I’m not happy about despite all the other amazing things in my life. I’d have to say that in the past few weeks, this has all shifted a lot …

My new job is exciting. I’ve been given some good projects to work on so far and they’ve been happy with my work (meaning both internal consultants and clients). It already feels like some of the more senior folks I’m working with want to move me along pretty quickly into a consultant position (though this will still probably take about a year). Until then, I’ll be most certainly learning a LOT, which I am very grateful for. Feels good to use my brain again for work. I could go on for pages about the office dynamics and the ironies and challenges … but I won’t. Suffice it to say, I like the people I am working with and I feel little to no hesitation to speak my mind.

I feel the need to “catch up” on blogging, but I don’t want to do that. I want to get away from the ‘reporting’ blog style I’ve adapted and back into just exploring thoughts and creative storytelling … so look for more of that later.

There’s this woman on flickr whom I have a huge crush on who takes only photos of herself with a phone camera - mostly from odd angles and always catching some movement in time. She is a writer and composes these beautiful snippets of prose revealing glimpses of colorful tales. I think she lives in iowa.

That’s all I have to say for now.

classic

2006-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mahna Mahna

who's the man?

2006-08-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

i am.

got the job.
sucessfully negotiated a higher salary.
got an office.
and i have 24 days of freedom before i start working!!

so ... looking into trips to hawaii or central america (maybe mexico). any recommendations?
it has to be relatively cheap - i'll be using school loan money i haven't used yet, so the cheaper the better.

i won't have a real vacation for at least a year, so I think i should get away for 7-10 days while I can. maybe just a week followed by a week of camping when i return?

all that and other good things.

life, at this moment, is very enjoyable!!

anew

2006-08-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

feels like life is turning a corner. things feel more certain, more grounded. i like that. i need that. the things i want in my life are beginning to appear.

two words: top candidate. i found out yesterday that i am the top candidate for the project mananger position at the consulting firm i have been interviewing with. this, as far as i'm concerned, means i'll be getting an offer next week after my final interview. this means i can finally FINALLY stop being so concerned about money all the time. not that i'll be raking in mass amounts of cash or anything, but i'll have a salary that actually pays the bills and leaves some room for paying off loans and saving. i like the firm a lot too. it feels good there. they have a great culture and work philosophy - at least for a consulting firm. i like the people. i like the location. so ... if all goes well ... i'll be employed full time starting in sept.

which means ...

regardless of the outcome, i'm quitting my internship next week. i hate it there. truly hate it. it's killing me and sucking out my soul as it happens. no more. 6 months has been long enough. i learned what i went to learn and there is nothing there for me now. good riddance.

so ...

assuming i get this job and i have 3 WEEKS to spare, i will decide next week (after an offer is made/accepted) if i want to hop on a plane and go somewhere to relax before heading into a new chapter of life. where would i go? i want to go to cuba, but there's not enough time to figure out the details. alaska? hawaii? bali? brazil? or do i stay here, go camping a lot, go to burning man and lay low?

aside from all that, there are some other things in my life that i am very excited about at the moment. these things are going to be left under wraps at the moment, selectively revealed. i like keeping some things to myself ... projects, collaborations, connections ... things that bring me both inspiration and joy. more to come.

one thing i need to do is change some lifestyle habits ... get off the computer more, stretch more, more awareness of eating slowly and intentionally. my RSI is bugging me lately and that is a good sign that i haven't been paying attention to my body. i'm looking forward to having some time off from work to be outside and get back in touch with myself - celebrating the good things in my life, right here, right now.

this is it.

update:

2006-08-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

interview went very well, i believe. what i know now is that i am one of the top two candidates and i will find out today or tomorrow if i am the number one candidate after yesterday. if so, i will be called back for one final interview next tuesday to meet with one more SVP that i would be working with a lot. seems like that would be a formality as she would just have to meet me and say yea or nay, but if the other 4 have already chosen me as #1, then it seems likely the job would be mine.

so ... now i wait ...

for those of you i am about to rock ...

2006-08-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

i salute you.*

today is my second interview for a job that i really want. i found out last night that my interview is essentially with 4 top dogs of the organization. i feel ready, confident, on top of my game. i generally do very well under pressure and in interviewing and public speaking. i was thinking last night that i can't remember any job that i actually got into the interview phase that i didn't end up getting an offer for. perhaps that's just really good selective memory.

when waking this morning, it occured to me that how i perform today may very well dictate my future. perform well (i.e. be myself) = a high probability that i'll get the job i want and start, for the first time in my life, moving toward a career (ewwww!). perform not so well (i.e. be unfocused, dispassionate, etc.) = a lower probability i would get the job and then have to do something that i don't at all want to do ... look for another job! (double ewwww!)

so i've decided i'm just going to get the job. more over, i'm going to be offered a good salary and i'll end up with 3 weeks or so before i have to start - during which time i'll dip in to my school loan money a bit and go travel somewhere.

so now that that is settled ...

actually, the advent of that occuring will be more relief than i can describe. there has been so much psychic energy tied up into 'job search' for so many months now, it will be a great relief to have that done with.

i am going to miss a summer full of 4 day weekends, however.

there's a bunch of other stuff i could blather on about and will soon. my RSI has been bugging me for the past week, so i'm limiting my computer use to let it chill out.

hot metal! oh, yeah!

2006-07-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

what's hotter than a leather-clad angelina jolie wielding a riding crop?

hot metal, that's what.

really hot metal. like molten metal hot.

what's this got to do with anything?

i learned how to weld yesterday. it was ... hawt!

the best part? i still have all my fingers and toes!

i have some crazy friends who are building a cathedral on the playa this year for burning man. in exchange for some help, they've been teaching people how to weld. yesterday i was working on a few of the steel trusses that will make the arches in the center of the 40ft. structure. (see below)

welding is certainly both a skill and an artform. i'm actually pretty good at it for a first time welder and am interested to learn more and create my own thinga-ma-bob someday. hell, even using the plasma cutter to cut out designs in the burn barrels looked fun!

oh yeah, and women in welding gear? ..... hot!

dear blog

2006-07-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

what can i say? life is good these days. there continues to be so much up in the air and i'm a little worried about finding a good job soon, but i know it will all come about as it should.

the past weekend was one of the best i can remember in recent months. it's hard to believe that just a few months ago i was wondering how i was going to make it to the next day and then noticing myself in a time where i wanted every second to last forever. it occurs to me that this is the type of thing i would write had i just fallen in love, but that's not it. in fact, it's probably better than that because the joy i'm feeling is intrinsic rather than a result of any other person coming into my life.

so what was this past weekend all about? it was the 7th annual campout event that the rhythm society has created. i co-lead the event with my partner in crime, shanti. we had a stellar team that allowed me to trust them so much that i was able to let go of being "on" all the time and, for the first time, was able to relax for most of the event and play and interact without the nagging feeling that i should be checking on something. i felt at peace.

in addition to that, it felt so good to have created an event where, everywhere you looked, there were people laughing and smiling and dancing and the air was just filled with joy and openness and freedom - freedom from stress, from worry, from tension. i met some amazing people and connected with others that i have known peripherally for a long time, but have never really spoken with at length.

i also got treated like a king a few times. thursday night i was given a shoulder and neck massage by one friend while being fed pie by another. saturday afternoon i was given an hour and half long massage during which a second massuese joined in. 4 hand massage? booyah!

it was also a very musical weekend for me. on friday, i played my drum kit along with a DJ for awhile. on saturday, i participated in a small, impromptu drum circle that drew a small crowd of dancers, poi spinners and hula-hoopers. later that night, i played my kit again with a small unpracticed band while the masses (200+ people) ate dinner on the lawn. and on sunday i DJ'd for the first time. that was the most fun of all ... playing music i love (really loud!) for dozens of naked people dancing and swimming and lounging around the pond. a few people even came up to me to tell me it was their favorite DJ set of the weekend. oh my!

the land up at camp and sons is blessed. i noticed that as soon as i arrived, i relaxed and felt an innate sense of peace and joy. they've done a lot to infuse the land with creativity, positivity and love. jane and walter are very generous and gracious hosts and i am thankful that we found them so many years ago and continue to return each year.

i think the best part of the weekend overall was how well i dealt with the parts of me that get down on myself about certain things. i was fairly easily able to cast those thoughts aside and just 'be'. that felt good.

well, as is usual, i tend to poop out on writing before all my thoughts are expressed and, well, you'll just have to deal. the weather has been outrageously gorgeous this past week and it's just too damn nice to sit inside and type at a computer ...

another

2006-07-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

wow, what a couple of weeks it’s been since maine. Busy busy busy. I love it and it bothers me. I love how much I can accomplish when I am pressed to the wire with commitments. I tend to be so much more productive when I have less time to get things done. Generally, i excel like this when it has to do with planning and coordinating something because I'm so good at it – it’s less easy when things are unfamiliar to me, but I’m working on that. It bothers me because I tend to not do as well taking care of myself (taking time to slow down, relax, get outside, etc.), and I’m working on that too! Balance. It’s all about balance!

These past several weeks have been spent planning Jon’s bachelor’s party (where *do* you find 100 chickens and bulk honey for less than $500???) and the Rhythm Society 3-day campout event at camp and sons. I always forget the massive amount of tiny fires that surface when an event draws near. But I love it because I feel capable in handling them and dealing with it. My goal is to always treat the people I am working with with respect, trust and maintaining an environment of fun collaboration and inspiration toward creating something that others will enjoy and get something meaningful from.

I find when I start generating this kind of energy, more is drawn to me.

That’s what needs to happen in the dating realm, I think. I’ve been dating a lot over the past couple months, but haven’t really felt like anything is being created from that. I’ve had a lot of fun with the various women I’ve been out with and am looking forward to other potential dates. Dating is a new thing for me in my life; I’ve always been a relationship guy. So I am finding that it’s difficult to find ease around being in the space of dating and not getting wrapped up in stupid questions or games. I feel like I am doing fairly well with it all, and yet I am challenged by taking on the role of the pursuer. It's been nice to take a little break these past two weeks as i've been so busy with everything else. i find i want the companionship and intimacy, but not the hurdles to get there. not that i want to bypass the "getting to know you phase" - i like that - i just don't like the part before that when you're trying to figure out if you want to get into the "getting to know you phase."

and this is the part of the post where my desire to write has gone kaput ... before all things in my head have been said.

oh well. motivation - she is a fickle beast.

here again

2006-06-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

i'm back at my apartment/flat after a very trying travel day (more on that later).

as we were flying into oakland this morning, i noticed a slight sinking feeling in my body. the faint questions arose, "what am i coming back to? what do i have to look forward to?"

this immediately spurred the thought, "did i leave something behind?" (as in, did some aspect of my life really "stop" when I left the bay area for maine that i am now returning to?)

a slight taste of melancholy in my mouth, i realized that there was something missing in my interpretation of coming back to SF ... coming home. my association created this missing feeling because my apartment is not my 'home', it is merely where i live.

home is where i am. this is a concept that i embraced when i've traveled around the world for months on end. it all begs the question (for me), "what is home and why does coming back to SF leave me feeling a little melancholy?"

it makes me aware of misplacing my attention on "what's to come" versus what's right here and now.

it's all something to consider.

***

the trip home was ... eventful. my first flight from portland to d.c. was fine. i had an hour+ layover in d.c., which was spent mostly on the computer. as i was walking toward the gate, however, i bumped into an aquaintance - a guy named gita whom i've had brief, though intimate, connections with. turns out we were on the same flight and, though full, there was an extra seat next to him in the second row of the exit aisle (which, by the way, are the best seats on a plane b/c not only do you have the extra leg room, but the seats tilt back as well - unlike when there is only one row).

having a friend to unexpectedly sit next to was helpful as we SAT ON THE TARMAC FOR 5.5 hours waiting out a fabulous lightning storm. the storm was so intense that we couldn't even go back to the gate b/c the airport was shut down and they weren't letting the ground crew out. we eventually did go back to the gate b/c they had to fix one of the bathrooms and refuel before taking off 6 hours behind schedule. sigh. a 12 hour flight from d.c. to sf.

it was great to hang out and talk with gita - he and i have a lot of similar learnings recently about ourselves and relationships, etc.

and now i am home after a little sleep getting back into the details of all the things i am juggling, wondering what's next and what's most important for me to really put my attention on. i feel tired and yet refreshed after the trip to maine with a new perspective on my life here in the big city.

firefly

2006-06-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

moments like these are when you can really just sit back and appreciate the goodness of life.

kevin and i just got back from getting some ice cream in town, which we scooped into cups and went out on the back deck to eat in the darkness of a warm summer night. what made it especially especial was the firefly show in the woods just before the lake; the darkness erupting in short bursts of light from all directions and heights, some practically overhead.

there simply is no substitute for enjoying a moment like that with a good friend and having the chance to just relax and shoot the shit for awhile before heading to bed in a tent.

maine is in my heart. it always will be. i do so love it here.

a collection of thoughts; part 3

2006-06-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

context of being:
it occurred to me many weeks ago the confinement of my own thoughts. i had been thinking about what it would be like to pack up all my stuff and/or sell most of it and then go live somewhere else and do something unrelated to who i've been in the past 33 years ... like, move to india and work as a hotel busboy or to open a small market in senegal. something radically different. the eruption of thoughts that ensued enabled me to see the rigid context i have been living in with regards to what's possible for me. it's refreshing to open up those restraints and see the much wider scope of possibility and recognize that those alternate lives do not happen because i am not choosing them rather than them not being possible.

it's beginning to feel like i am slowly reinvigorating creativity, openness, innocence and moving away from a set context of being. it's like my life has been moving in pre-set tracks that i willingly have followed and am once again recognizing that those tracks are imaginary and there are an infinite number of tracks to choose from. my all-too-linearly-developed mind had forgotten that.

maine day three (a take-home message):
seatbelts are wonderful. wear them. and get insurance while you're at it (health, dental, renters). i don't want to condone living in a fear mentality, but more so a 'prepared' mentality. hopefully you can say on your death bed, "well, that was a waste of money, i never needed any of my insurances!". trust me on this. we visited kevin's dad in the hospital today. he is one lucky muther. in talking with doctors around the country, he should be dead or paralyzed ... he's one of the lucky ones and we still don't know to what extent he will recover.

back to seatbelts ... have you ever seen someone in a halo? you know, the contraptions that keep your neck immobilized by screwing 6 screws into your skull and attaching it to your torso? it doesn't look pleasant. fortunately bill is one bad-ass man and is handling it fairly well. oh, and then there's the drugs. they help too.

job hunt:
the consulting firm i did some consulting with has a job opening in the department i want to work for. the job is a step below where i would want to be, but i could do the job well and it is customarily used as a stepping stone to being an organizational consultant. i'm thinking about taking it (not that it's been offered yet, but i know they'll want me (i'm more than qualified, they know i do great work and am interested in more). there's a lot of perks like good insurance and it's IN SAN FRANCISCO! that is a HUGE thing for me. i really don't want to commute to palo alto or freemont everyday ... and if it sucks, i can always get out. it beats being at the CPUC right now and i really like the people at the firm. so there are a lot of reasons to take it. reasons against: it's not a dream job ... but then, i don't know what is right now, so why not do something i enjoy and am good at, make some decent money and get a taste for the business?? things to think about: am i selling out and taking an easy route as opposed to waiting to find something that has a bigger "YES" attached to it. i'll apply and continue to think about it. right now the thought of having a decent job sounds great and like a good first step. there's something to be said for the way it kind of fell into my lap as well ... based on some work i did for them and then an online discussion with the hiring manager about maine (not knowing she was the hiring manager at the time). i'll keep you posted.

maine stay

2006-06-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

it's been a wonderful first day with the callahan's. i arrived late last night after a day of travel. i left the portland airport at midnight for the last hour and a half drive to kevin & kelly's. the drive was fantastic ... though it was dark outside, i could tell i was in maine. i love this state. there were several moments last night when i would pass a evergreen-lined lake illuminated by a large orange moon just abouve the horizon. sheer beauty. i found a good radio station and cranked up the speakers in the rental car and made my way north with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

today was spent doing what i could to help out around the house. it started with the obligatory trip to the local bakery where they make some kickass donuts. i mean ... donuts! in maine! does life get any better??? only with bacon. i think one of these days i'm going to open a store that only sells the things that i like: donuts, bacon, macaroni & cheese, peanut butter, jazz, funk, chill music, camping gear, drums, chocolate cake and snowboards. of course, there's room to expand. there would probably be an adult section. and a kids section. to edify the different sides of people. donuts and bacon would be the link in the middle. :)

the rest of the day was spent helping kelly around the house, playing with raelin, mowing the lawn, emptying and relocating a sandbox and a little chill time with kevin. oh, and i of course got to meet Liam who is now 5 weeks old!!

my two favorite moments of the day:

1. Raelin telling me as we are brushing our teeth, in a very matter-of-fact tone, "Liam had a blowout yesterday." (referring to his poop exploding out the sides of his diaper). (Raelin just turned 3, btw).

2. Mowing the lawn. I *love* mowing the lawn and they have a lot of it. I find it very meditative, despite the sound of the engine. I love the smells, I love the gratification of mowing smaller and smaller patches of tall grass. I love the physical effort of pushing a mower up a hill. It's almost as good as using a chainsaw. Maybe better. Maybe. I love the symmetry of the grass when done. It reminds me of how fascinated I was with Zambonie's when I was a kid (the machine's that they use to clean the surface of the ice on ice rinks). Okay, I *still* want to drive a zambonie one day. And bigger tractors. And operate one of those large construction cranes and demolition balls. and ...

I'm writing this by the way from a tent in the yard. It's warm, the stars are out. Life is good.

And it feels especially good to be here with the callahans helping out in what ways I can. I am deeply grateful for all the people who contributed funds to helping me get out here. I couldn't have come without their help and I know how much I and Kevin and Kelly appreciate it. It looks to be a wonderful week.

girls are evil

2006-06-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

just so there's no confusion. it's scientifically proven:

goin' to maine

2006-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

on thursday i'm flying to maine to be with my friends k&k. i'm really looking forward to it. not just because i get to see them, play with 'r' and meet the new one, but because i get to help them.

[tangent]
i noticed recently that there is a part of me that feels bad admitting that i like to help people. the question is often asked, "do you think people need help?" and it's pretty much always asked in an hidden accusatory manner - as if people needing help is a bad thing. at least that's how it feels. i do think people need help ... sometimes. i know i do. i get that people react to being helped when they don't want it/need it because it can make you feel powerless, untrusted, and invaded. but that's not the kind of help i like giving, even if i do it sometimes without thinking. it's a fine line sometimes. and the difference, it seems, is in the intention behind why you help someone. is it because i just want to be helpful and contribute to their life? or is it because i think they can't do what it is they are trying to do or what i think they *should* be doing? the former = yea! the latter = yuk.
[/end tangent]

so k&k just had their second child a few weeks ago. since then, his parents came out to visit and his father suffered a stroke while driving alone, which lead to a car accident in which he broke vertebrae in his upper spine. from what i understand, everything is looking pretty good right now for a full or mostly-full recovery. and it will also be a long road. on top of all this 'k' runs his own business and lives 1.5 hours away from the hospital where his father is. i can't even begin to understand what the emotional overwhelm of their situation feels like. and so i'm heading out there to lend some support, help around the house, play with the kids, etc.

it's been a bit of a challenge to get everything taken care of so i can get out of here for a week. times like this illuminate for me just how complicated my life is with all its little parts. i love it and most of everything that i am doing, but it sure gets to be a lot. i tend to slightly over-commit b/c i like to be busy. i often get a lot more done when my schedule is tight than when i have too much free time ... so i'd almost rather have a lot to do or nothing at all.

my LIT project is flailing a bit. it's that damn indecision i am not comfortable with. it's interesting to notice just how often i try to distract myself from heading into unknown waters. in finding the discipline to sit in one place and brainstorm ideas for the project, i notice how quickly my mind wanders. so tricky, so tricky. i'm curious what it's all about. i'm curious about my lack of enthusiasm for my project - what does that mean? is it resistance or is it just a simple lack of interest in the project itself? hmmm ... certainly some fertile ground to explore.

more on that later ... much to do, much to do ...

the warrior

2006-06-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

changes are happening in my life recently. this reluctant optimist over here started paying attention to his thought patterns. stopped listening to the ones that were stopping him so much, turned up the volume on the ones that sang the tune he wanted to hear. it's all just a story anyway, why not choose the one we want?

for most of my life i've felt pretty small and weak. makes no difference whether or not there is any truth to that image. but why not create one that i want? how about ... the warrior. the one who kicks ass in every area of his life. the one who is free. the one who stands up for his convictions.

i get more and more how much a game this all is. life. i used to hear that phrase and felt like it cheapened life b/c i didn't understand what it meant. i took "game" to mean 'trite', that life was a whim. but that's not what it means.

i've spent too much of my life thinking certain thoughts such as: i am not good enough, i am not smart enough, i am not good looking enough and finding evidence to support those thoughts. ignoring the fact that i could be having the exact opposite thoughts: i am good enough, i am smart enough, i am good looking and find as much evidence to support those thoughts. that's the game. it's all a story. every moment is new. there is no past, there is no future. all that is, is now. make it whatever you want it to be. so maybe life itself is not the game, but how we chose to live it is.

consciousness in every moment and every action/absence of action is a choice. free from the constraint of useless self-limitations. not free from fear, necessarily, or worry or doubt ... but free to make choices when confronted with any emotion or situation. a victim to nothing. responsible for every choice made or not made.

so why not play with archetypes?

kind-hearted warrior. vigilant. compassionate. unapologetic. present.

sure beats the hell out of thinking that i can't do something or i am not good enough. and thusfar, the experiment is working. things are appearing in my life that weren't available to me before. perhaps that's just a matter of me not looking, perhaps it's a metaphysical phenomenon ignited by thought patterns and energy, perhaps it's all just random. who knows? does it matter?

what matters to me is fun, joy, growth, love, and connection. and so that is the framework that i'm choosing to see my life through. i'll keep you posted.

Punk Rock Kickball, the fifth

2006-06-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 5th annual punk rock kickball game.

There was the Dead Kennedys, beer for bases, beer in hair, tackling, wrestling, swearing, bloodshed and a little bit of kickball thrown in. It's one of the best days of the year and a damn good excuse to wear eyeliner.

See for yourself:

PRKBV

I was a little sad to see so few of the orignal gang around, but there were enough of the veterans to represent. People are already asking about next year.

stepping into leadership

2006-06-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

life has been on the high speed lately. rather, it feels like i have a lot to do and yet i do still find space in my schedule for 'fuck off' time. sometimes it seems like i do that too much, other times it feels necessary. i often wonder what i would accomplish if i had less of it.

and wonder no more ...

i think i alluded to a project i am undertaking for the leadership training program. each person in the program committed to a 6 month project that would advance their leadership in some capacity, push their boundaries, challenge that part of them that feels that something is impossible, evoke their values, is outside the realm of what they are naturally good at, and is measurable. basically, there should be a mixture of excitement and "oh shit" when thinking about it - that's a good indication that we are on the right path - something we want and would otherwise likely avoid doing.

my project, in concrete terms, is to design, create and conduct a workshop of some sort. i don't know what it is going to be about yet. which leads me to the much deeper aspect of my project, because in essence, it is not about the workshop.

my project is about trusting myself and believing that I have something of value to offer the world. it is about tapping into that which inspires me, that which fuels me and that which i believe in ... and then offering that to others as something that will help them. it is about helping others, coming from that place that i know i have gifts in healing and where i want to contribute to others living the lives that they want. it may be about carving a niche for myself in the work i want to be doing - and at the very least exploring one path to get a better sense of what i want to do more specifically.

the challenge for me is not in the creation of the workshop so much as it is finding what it will be about. the workshop design will certainly be challenging and a lot of work and i know it will be confronting in a lot of ways. the crux of the project, however, is in getting through whatever barriers i have to seeing what i have to offer that is uniquely mine.

it actually pisses me off quite a bit. it seems so fucking simple in many ways and i can see how, for someone else, this would be ridiculously easy. to some extent i am very in touch with what inspires me and at the same time i haven't yet figured out how and why that would be something that i would create a workshop around - something that would be of value to others. to another extent, i get stuck thinking that whatever i create has to be better than what others have created to be of value. that's a huge hurdle for me. the mental dialogue is something like, "why would anyone chose to participate in a workshop i've created on (x), when that person has a workshop on (x) and they've been doing it for 20 years!"

and that is a major part of my project ... getting through the crap like that that stops me from doing things that i want to do.

it is about leaving the realm of 'follower' which i do so well.
it is about leaving the realm of 'leader' only when i feel like i really know what i am doing.

it is about stepping into being a leader in my life and in being that, stepping through the doubts and self-limiting thoughts that hold me back.

i also see where all this mental chatter is a load of bullshit and something i want to drop and just fucking 'be'. i am guilty of deconstructing things a lot, wanting to understand all the ways of being (ahem ... yes, i've studied a lot of psychology) ... and i love it and want to escape it at the same time.

given that ... all the stuff above is awesome and i love thinking about it and learning and growing.
and there's a big part of me that sees how it is all just a sliver of this game of life and that there is so much more outside of that slice of pie. it's just one that i am focusing on for the moment and i trust that it is serving me in some way.

you may now call me master

2006-05-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

i'm done.

two years of hard work and giving up so many things that i love to do in order to focus on school ... weekends spent indoors studying, missed parties, a sabbatical from my mens group, lost connections with friends, savings account drain ... and on. and on.

people ask me how i feel about it and if i'm having some kind of graduation party. i haven't set up any kind of celebration. i feel proud of myself for staying with the program and creating the discipline i needed to finish at the top of my class. but i haven't looked at it as something to create a huge hubbub about.

there is one thing that i will reserve the right to brag about here in my blog ... my grades. in many ways, grades don't really matter so much in grad school ... you either get a degree or you don't. there's a part of me that wants to be modest about that, and i will be in my day to day life, but here in the semi-private forum, i'll toot my own horn for a second and share that i am graduating with a 4.0 gpa. if i hadn't worked my ass off for that grade, i wouldn't care so much ... but i did. and that feels good.

it's important to me b/c i wanted to know that i could apply myself and achieve something that i wasn't sure i could. my undergrad grades are decent, but i was very distracted in undergrad with more time spent in bands and the theater than on school.

so there's a lot of other stuff going on .. new projects and commitments, dating, looking for a dream job ... but that will all have to wait. i'm still catching up with the ever-constant list of "things that have to get done." i'm going camping this weekend and will use that as a re-charge time. i'm going to write some vision statements around some various projects i'm working on and spend some time meditating and getting clear on how i want to use my time and energy.

for now ... you can call me master.

[the stupid thing is that, when i was a kid, the cards that came in the mail were always addressed to: Master "jblog". I'm not sure when I lost that title, but it sure was a hell of a lot of work to get it back again.

And don't worry, even though I'm not a "doctor", I'm good at pretending. "oh nurse!"

new life

2006-05-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

there's a new callahan in the world and that's a good thing. my friends K&K had a son over the weekend. their second child. i am so happy for them and bummed that we don't live closer to each other that i can go over there and meet this brand new adorable person face to face.

sounds like they are all doing very well and i am very happy for them!

results

2006-05-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

i got the results of my comprehensive exams on friday. good news. i passed 4 of the 5 exams and have to go in to defend the last one. it's what i expected. i knew that the last hour of the 8 hour exam process wasn't my best and that the final exam didn't reflect my knowledge on the topic. turns out the same is true for the others as well ... everyone has to defend their answers on the final essay or two.

i think asking people to write 5 consecutive exams over the course of 8 hours - with only 30 minutes break for lunch - is a little unreasonable. i mean, it's probably nothing in comparison to ph.d exams or like, the bar, or something ... but still.

anyway, i'm happy. i know i'm going to pass now and that, in less than two weeks, i'll have my masters degree in hand and then i can go get drunk and figure out what the hell i want to do with my life! or at least that next weekend. i'm going camping for sure - gettin' the hell outta dodge - because ... i ... can!

in short:
fuck yeah!

wind rattles the windows

2006-05-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

the wind rattles the windows as the severed cord outside my window taps against the glass. what happens in the absence of distraction? i have become a master of it. something calls me to unplug, settle, be ... and i am drawn back in to a web of uselessness and disguise. putting time, energy, focus on the banal. tuning in and then tuning out. time better spent would be ... what?

i spent time at the ocean today. the ever-present movement, sound, breeze, allows me to be more still. there are two paths: discovery or complacency. i walk both. one foot in each track. resigned and fighting it all the way. all i need now are flip-flops to complete the picture. do you want the red pill or the blue?

i seek truth. i seek my unobstructed path, but the nature of life is that it is obstructed. that is truth.

someone said recently that life is just a series of well-managed mistakes. in one sense i agree, in another sense i think it's ridiculous. the word mistake assumes that there was a right way. that's exactly the duality that i attempt to unlearn ... right/wrong, black/white, good/bad. i often see life as choosing one thing or another ... not both. so why not both?

i think the greatest struggle is how we try to bring union to the physical and the metaphysical. in the greater reality, they are one and the same. yet, our minds are limited and cannot truly comprehend that which is outside ourselves. experiencing it is one thing, making sense of it is a fun, but ultimately futile endeavor.

so as i sit pondering the task i have at hand for LIT - to choose a project that, over the next 6 months, will unleash my leadership, serve my values, and manifest some shift in possibility - i wonder which game to play and how i can play both. game one is simply to put all energy into depth, understanding, silence, stillness, connection, peace, harmony, balance, truth, god. game two is to be here now and play, forget understanding, have fun, do things, engage, bounce around, ricochet, act and react.

am i being obtuse? probably. why not?

i see two avenues that really are one, but feel like two. i want to engage in both. i want to live in the parameters of daily life as it is decreed by experience and never let go of knowing that there is so much more outside my linear existance.

aw, fuck it. i'm even confusing myself. i know what i mean, and words are just getting in the way of that.

to sum it all up: i need a haircut.

sunny skies

2006-05-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

there is a direct correlation between my blogging and depression.
less depression = less blogging

i'm actually in favor of shifting that trend a bit because, like my journals, i'd hate to think that the written record of my life that is left behind when i go is nothing but tales of sorrow and woe. maybe some tales of "whoh!", but not woe.

so, yeah, been feeling better these past couple of weeks. lots of factors involved i'm sure. i can point to the fact that the sun has been out rather consistently, it's been warmer and the rain has ended, things between ami and i seem really good and i can really feel the love and connection that i was missing so terribly, the comprehensive exams are over, i just got a very short-term-but-well-paying contract job, i've been meeting new people and having good connections, i've been getting to the gym more often and am liking the results ...

there's still part of me that wants to tell you about the things that i feel are missing from my life and the things that i feel i want badly ... and, yes, there's still some of that sorrow ... but it is oh-so-just a piece of it all again and not that which is ruling my every waking moment.

one thing that is a bummer is the sleep issue. i'm going to see if i can get some prescription stuff tomorrow to give myself a couple solid 8 hour nights of sleep and see if that resets my system. it really feels like i've just developed a sleep habit that i can't break. we'll see how that goes ... my energy level seems to be okay on 5 hours a night for now.

LIT is pretty confronting right now. our homework this week is to create a very specific list of all the things in our lives that we have wanted and either not attempted to get or started to and then quit. yowza! not exactly sure where this is going, but i have a pretty good idea and i'll fill y'all in about it later.

and hey ... feel free to leave comments once and awhile ... i know i get about 15-20 hits a day, but not too many of you leave comments. i'm curious, from time to time, what you think.

alright .. getting back to the sunshine now.

congratulations: pending

2006-05-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

i can't remember the last week of my life.

well, i can, but there isn't much to remember besides me and a stack of papers, books and binders.

i've gotten a few questions from friends about what it is i've been studying, so i'll elaborate here a little bit. the exam was 5 consecutive essays on 6 topic areas. we had about 1.5 hrs for each essay, but it was really a matter of how we chose to use the time. in a nutshell, all of the essays were situational tests where we had to describe the exisiting theories, issues, problems, as well as come up with a plan and recommendations for the implementation and evaluation of that plan. the topic areas were:

1. Selection
2. Performance Appraisal
3. Leadership and Decision Making
4. Organizational Culture, Climate and Justice
5. Training
6. Research Methods (this was integrated into the 5 essays)

i can't say it was fun. i was surprised at how fast time moves when you are concentrating. by the end of the day, however, my brain was fried. i'm not sure how i did on the last two exams ... we'll see. of course, i am so much more interested in the leadership and culture/justice work than any of the HR-related topics (yuk!), so i also think i probably performed better on those exams.

There are now three possibilities:
1. I pass and am done forever!
2. I fail and have to do a thesis to get my degree
3. I pass contingently and they have me come back and defend my answers and add any information they feel was missing.

I am hoping for the first possibility, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is more that i have to do on the last 2 exams. i really don't know though. I am confident i didn't outright fail anything, i was too prepared for that.

anyway, the experience has killed my desire to write, so that's all for today. in another three weeks grad school will be over for good and then i'll ... well, i'll figure out what's next!

i'm excited and at the same time it hasn't sunk in at all yet.

frame of reference

2006-04-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

up late.
can't sleep.

i was hanging out with my friend marie tonight from LIT
we got to talking about life and what we want

i've been cognizant these past few days of a perspective shift

i first became aware of it in regards to these exams i have coming up
my expression to others about them and studying had been focused entirely on how hard they are and how much work it is. there was some underlying need to be recognized for all that i am doing and some semi-conscious desire to prove something by that relating.
this isn't an unfamiliar pattern and one that i know i've picked up from others in my life as it seems pretty common to hear a lot of people talk about 'how bad they've got it'. there's some odd bonding around how 'shit ain't right'.

over the weekend, when i was talking to prudence, we talked about how language and other forms of communication create our reality ... and it occured to me that the way i was talking about these exams and studying, things like: "i don't know how i'm going to get ready for this," and "i can't believe how much work i have to do" (etc.) was not serving me at all.

so i decided to change my frame of reference, my perspective. at least internally. and i started telling myself how i was going to get the work done and i was going to do well on the exam.

it's made a difference. i feel more positive and sure of myself. it hasn't effected my motivation to study or my focus yet, but i think that that is possible.

since then, i've started to apply that to the rest of my life.

yes, i know, this is an age old concept - the power of positive thinking - but i'd like to take it one step further. and that is to create the life that i want by creating that possibility in my mind and in my language.

in talking with marie tonight, i had this thought about work. one of the things that i know i want is to be working alongside people who inspire me, who are inspired, and who i have fun with. in my life, these people are my friends and many of them are those in my communities. i also want to do work that i think is meaningful and making a positive impact in people's lives.

the thought was ... i am sure that there is an abundance of people in my communities who are talented, motivated, inspired and unhappy in their work. is it possible ... would it be what i truly want ... to find a group of these people with various skills and start a company? it sounds so exciting. the opportunity to work with people that i respect, admire and trust. people who i know are dedicated to creating the lives that they want for themselves. people who are willing to create a company that rests on the same values we all share around integrity, inspiration, social change, honesty, service, quality ... a place of intense accountability via love and support. an environment bursting with creativity and sweat. an atmosphere of fun, hard work and relaxation - knowing when to work and when to play and when to rest.

healthy, vibrant, successful. in our lives. in our work.

it's possible, yes.
is this what i want?
shall i make it happen?

the question is ... what would it be? what is the vision that would bind us together? that ... that i don't have at this point which is an obstacle. if this is something that is meant to be, then i believe by keeping these thoughts present, something will come forward. some indication of what is to be.

regardless of how it comes about, what i wrote about above encompasses a lot of what i want in a work environment. i am open to that looking a number of different ways and i am excited to get even more clear on what it is i want.

time to stop focusing so much on what i don't want and more so on what i do want. i think it's important to know what i don't want, but not to focus on it.

if our thoughts do indeed create our reality ... then it's time to focus forward and make room for that reality to unfold.

tick tock

2006-04-26T17:41:00.001-07:00

i'm in the final days of my masters degree program in industrial/organizational psychology. i graduate in a month. but before then, i have the most challenging set of exams i've ever taken. they happen next tuesday and i'm not yet ready. the next several days will be the final push to synthesize, memorize, utilize and jazzercize 100 research papers and books on 6 major topic areas in the field of I/O Pscyhology.

it's been interesting to plow through piles and piles of research on various topics and a bit refreshing to see, now, how they all fit together in some degree. i'm not pleased with the fact that i have to "remember" who said what and when they said it b/c that's not a real-world application. in the real world, you can look that shit up ... the real test is whether or not i understand what the research says, what the limitations are and how to apply it.

if you don't see or hear from me very much in the next little while, think of me. i'll be studying. if you *do* hear from me or see me, i'm either procrastinating, taking a break or delusional. :)

in other news (briefly) ... i'm feeling much better this week in regards to my emotional state. much more positive, open, optimistic, well. things feel manageable again and i feel like i can really look at what's coming up for me in a peaceful and inquisitive manner - rather than just being held down by it.

alright ... getting back to work ... i'm pretty sure i'll write more in the next few days as i am brimming with all these thoughts and ideas around what's happening in LIT right now and self-openings and inspirations ...

until then ... whenever that may be ...

a collection of thoughts

2006-04-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

i feel so blessed to be involved in the communities that i am involved with. rather, i am grateful to be in the presence of people i respect and admire, who inspire me and teach me, who accept me and reflect me. i had very interesting experiences this weekend. the days were long and uncomfortable - i struggled with intense feelings of loneliness and distraction, being off-centered and depressed (much more so on saturday than on sunday). this, of course, just added to my frustration at having a limited focus on the work i was trying to get done. i took a lot of walks, which were helpful.

the nights, however, were fantastic. friday night i danced with friends and was able to let go of everything and feel joy and lightness. saturday night was even better as i spent hours and hours just connecting with old friends and new ... feeling so free of everything that has been weighing me down lately. i had a clearing conversation with one friend, helped another friend work through some physical pain with my massage, and spent hours lying on cushions in front of the fire talking with various people. i especially enjoyed talking with this woman, prudence, who was a friend of a friend whom i had never met. not only did we have great and fun conversations, but it also wasn't laden with everything that i've been working through lately and it was so refreshing to let go of that for awhile.

we spoke a lot about language and spirituality and different forms of expression. one of the shifts i felt was when i let in the idea about how we can create our own realities. do you ever have the experience where you re-encounter ideas and concepts that you know and agree/disagree with at some level and, for whatever reason, they sink in to a deeper level of understanding? that’s what happened for me around this. it occurred to me how much ability i have to shape my physical, emotional, spiritual environment. having been plagued by so many negative thoughts lately has been oppressive. the challenge I find is creating positive thoughts to replace them.

i’ve also had some relieving talks with ahmi lately. we spoke thursday, friday and saturday last week – each time i felt closer and closer to her again. each time brought me relief in the pain i was feeling about the chasm that had broken between us. each time i felt the friendship that i knew was there and have been wanting so intensely. these experiences have allowed me to sink into another level of acceptance and raise up a level out of my rut. it is all feeling much better right now.

there are still emotional obstacles to face … a lot of them are my own demons. one of the things that is hard to deal with is thinking that as people in my community see ahmi out at parties being flirtatious or intimately engaged with other people, they will think I wasn't good enough. and again – there is that frustration with being so wrapped up into external validation and caring so much what others think of me.

another insight is that the loss i feel is partially because i had such intimate connections with someone that so many others desire. now that I’m not in that same dynamic with her and can see her exploring that with others, i feel less special. i feel seen by others as a failure and, again, not good enough. that wound is so fucking pervasive.

when i look in the mirror lately, i see someone who likes they have been through a war. i feel like i have been; the life in my eyes seems so distant. and it's great to say that there were times this weekend where I felt so happy and free of burden, that i almost forgot what it felt like. how fucking refreshing. something shifted. made room for me to have a fuller experience of who i am ... not just that part of me that needed or wanted to feel the pain.

It’s disconcerting to realize that there is something about depression that pulls me in. I notice where I refrain from commenting that I feel really good right now in case I feel bad again later. There is some association in my being that says if I am feeling good, people go away – they think I don’t need them. Whereas, when I am feeling blue, people check in on me, come to me without me having to reach out all the time. That is a big issue for me … feeling like I have to be the person to reach out to others in order to spend time with anyone. It seems that if I didn’t call anyone, I could easily be at home alone for weeks before anyone thought to invite me to do something.

That’s one of the many draws to wanting a relationship. Because there is someone who is my companion, who chooses me, who wants to spend time with me often.

It’s not that I think that people don’t want to spend time with me. It’s just been years since I’ve felt like I’m on people’s “A” list. It’s been years since I feel like I’ve had best friends that weren’t also my partner.

And when I am feeling down and let that be known, I notice that dynamic change. People call me or write me to see what’s happening, how I am doing.

I so don’t want to post this. This feels ugly and self-pitying. I’m not intending to write it in that tone, it’s more a matter of fact account of how I’ve felt. But I don’t like that that is how I feel. It makes it so much harder going through a transition like this with ami, to see her as one of those incredibly magnetic people who has the exact opposite issue … too many people want something from her. She struggles to make time for herself and everyone she wants to connect with.

There’s so much I could say about all this stuff coming up for me. It’s not the first time, that’s for sure. I feel like I need to find some acceptance and peace around the fact that, right now, I don’t have friends calling me everyday “just because” … and, even though I very much know that doesn’t mean that they don’t love me, I want to resolve what is behind all that for myself that makes me feel so alone.

I also cringe at thinking that those friends who read this will be motivated to reach out. I have this strange aversion to asking for things like this and feel terrible if people reach out, not because they want to, but because I want them to.

There’s something. Whatever part of me that wants validation from others wants it without asking for it. It all comes back to this deep desire to feel wanted. God, I want to fill whatever those holes are within me with my own self. i don’t want to depend on others for my feelings of self-worth.

Is that common? How much of that is just a part of being human? What part of that is healthy vs. unhealthy? Another realization is how quickly I jump on that notion of needing others and judge it as bad, like I should be able to do it all on my own. Maybe that’s the thought pattern that needs to relax a bit.

Mostly I can just trust what my instincts say – which is that there is a balance to it all. I can’t depend on others to validate me, but I can accept and ask for that at times for reminders and reflection. There’s some line between being contributed to and being dependent upon. I don’t think I’m all that dependent on others for this, but I also feel like there is some room for exploration around it all.

Once again, this has gone on much longer than anticipated. And I didn’t even get to talk about how much I want school to be OVER! I’ll leave that one for tomorrow or the next day. For now, back to creating my reality with positive thoughts, abundance, health, peace and a full-fucking-nights sleep!

path and purpose

2006-04-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

This was read to us in our Leadership Training recently. It's a piece from The Teachings of Don Juan:

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.

I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know.
The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing.

For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly.

relief

2006-04-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

what began as an intent for a quick hello over IM with Ami yesterday turned into a four hour conversation. some of it was just talking and relating, most of it was processing, which is to be expected to some extent. the topic was mostly around the creation of friendship ... if and how that is possible and what allows that to happen. is it time apart? is it clarity of boundaries? what is a clean break?

i know i want her in my life as a close friend. i also know that i need to be clear on the distinctions of that (what i want in friendship, what she wants). it feels good to have had some time connecting and getting more clear and explicit about all of that.

she has a lack of trust in me being honest with myself right now. that's hard to hear and a great challenge at the same time. i feel very clear around that which i feel clear about. the question is ... am i lying to myself about anything? if so, what? is there anything i am hiding from?

what i feel right now is no need to rush into anything and also no need to hide from anything. one of her concerns is that she wants to not hold things back from her friends, which means, if we were friends, she would be telling me about all her exploration right now. she wonders if i can and should handle that. for me, it doesn't feel like it makes a difference. i know, generally, that she is open to and is exploring things with other people right now. i may not know the specifics, but does that make a difference? i don't claim that it wouldn't be hard at first to hear about stuff more specifically. but the value in going through that experience for me is in creating the reality that is. what i know about myself is that i function with honesty and "knowing" much better than leaving things up to my imagination.

and that's one of the things i will sit with and really explore what feels okay to me and what doesn't.

one of the things i've been wanting most is to be in communication with her, to relate. it feels really good to have had that last night. it helps alleviate a lot of the pain of wanting that so much and not having it.

my primary focus is still on my own healing. i haven't felt capable of that the past couple days, but today i feel more positive about it.

step 1.
address these feelings of loneliness so that when i spend time with people, it's not about filling some holes in me, but just spending time with them.
it's about getting back in touch with that place within me that knows i am whole, joyful, alive.

and the big question i have for myself is: is there any part of me that is holding onto the pain for unhealthy reasons? is there some reason that i want it around? am i inflating it at all for attention or sympathy?

i have to look deep to discover the answers to those questions. in what i have found thus far, it is all genuine. it is also a mixture of stuff that is more that just ami and i separating. it has stirred up a lot of other things that also need healing.

i don't really know how to do it, but i trust i'll find my way.

it occurs to me that because i have been using this space to write about the hardest things, that it may seem as if that is the totality of my experience. yet, like any of my journals, i tend to write about the hard stuff and leave out the good. more on this later ... i am having some insights on some other stuff now but need to get back to work.

nonsense

2006-04-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

And some moments, when i push aside the veils of my worldly attachments to people and things ... and see and feel the constant state of change and impermanence, of connection and unity ... in those moments, i feel peace. lately, these moments only last a short while, but i appreciate them.

this is hard.

Siddhartha bent down, lifted a stone from the ground and held it in his hand. "This," he said, handling it, "is a stone, and within a certain length of time it will perhaps be soil and from the soil it will become a plant, animal or man. Previously I should have said: This stone is just a stone; it has no value, it belongs to the world of Maya, but perhaps because within the cycle of change it can also become man and spirit, it is also of importance. That is what I should have thought. But now I think: This stone is stone; it is also animal, God and Buddha. i do not respect and love it because it was one thing and will become something else, but because it has already long been everything and always is everything. I love it just because it is a stone, because today and now it appears to me a stone...But I will say no more about it. Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another."

struggling.

2006-04-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

i want to sit here and write tales of healing and inspiration,
of feeling on top of the world,
of being alive and happy and building the life that i dream of.

i am glad to say, somedays i do feel that.

today is not one of those days.
some days are harder than others.
days go by and i start to feel like i am opening & healing,
and then another comes and crushes me. literally crushes me.

gaaaaaawwwwwwwwwdddddddddd damnit. ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!
and even that expression makes light of the feelings i have right now.

i don't know how to do this. i really don't.
why does this hurt like it did when sarah and i split up? the circumstances are so different and yet ... the emotions are so similar. that feeling of my heart - gentle, tender, deep, full - being shredded and crushed?
why is it that a woman that i have loved for just a few months can have gotten in so deep?
i guess the heart knows no time.

i don't know how to not love her as deeply as i do.
i don't know how to not want her the way i do.
i don't know how to be with those feelings.
i don't know how to watch her be in this exploration with other men so soon.

i feel like a chump.

i wish i could fool myself into thinking that i want something else.
i mean, i do want something else, don't i?
do i really want to be in pain?
do i really want to think about her all the time?

no.
and yet ... i do.

if i am to trust in the universe that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens is perfect,
why does this feel so wrong?
and why does it hurt like hell sometimes?
why does it sometimes feel okay and other times feel like i am being eviscerated?

fuck it.
really.
fuck it all.

i'm so tired of this.
i'm tired of feeling depressed.
i'm tired of feeling desperately alone when surrounded by friends.
i'm tired of being in love with a woman to whom i am just another guy.
i'm tired of waking up at 4am.

bitch bitch moan moan.
i know.
this is terribly inelegant and not the impression i want to leave the world with of me.
but, really, fuck it. this is who i am right now.

a man ... who feels broken and alone inside ... yet carries himself with as much strength and hope as he can.
who is trying desperately to let go of being some idiotic sense of perfect.
who is trying to learn who he is more and more.
who is trying to find his intrinsic source of joy and peace and live from it.
a man who is trying to be patient and have faith that better days will come and believe that he has any fucking control over that.
that he will get past this, over this ... without turning off his heart, without turning cold and bitter, without denying what is real.

so ... how do i do that?
how do i heal from this and at the same time accept that i am very much in love with this woman, that my heart is still very much attached, that my desire for connection and intimacy with her is strong ... how do i be with that and deal with the resulting pain of that attachment?

is the only solution to kill it?
i don't want to have to kill that love to be around her.

a friend was telling me today about what Nelson Mandela said was one of his greatest fears when he was imprisoned.
he said developing hatred toward his oppressors was one of those great fears.

likewise, i don't want to hate her. far from it. i love her. i love who she is at her essence.

i feel weak for not being able to just let go.
i feel strong for even being able to deal with all this in the first place.

part of me believes that the path is to increase my own self-love and that that is the source of healing.
and another part of me believes that i have a ton of self-love and that has nothing to do with all this.
another part of me strives for that perfect buddha state of being unattached and thus, without suffering.
and another recognizes that i am human, that i'm hurt and that there is nothing else to do but be with it.

i don't want to feel this way anymore.

i'm embarrassed to post this. but something Guy said tonight resonated with me. he was talking about living from one's essence and how we often resist that because it is a vulnerable place to come from. my fear is being vulnerable to any of you. my fear is of looking weak. my fear is having to convince you that i am a strong mutherfucker. my fear is that ami will see this and pull away even more.

and yet, as much as i am wary of exposing all this, i don't want to hide it either. i choose to be who i am right now, exposing my vulnerability, risking looking weak or pathetic ... and that is totally scary to me. i feel like i just want to post things that make it look like i have my shit together, like i am strong, like i am happy, like i am transforming, learning, growing. i am all that ... but not tonight.

i know that today is just a bump in the road and that it is likely that i will feel better again tomorrow.
this is cathartic for me and i don't want to hide it all (even though i really want to hide it all).

i who have died am alive again today

2006-04-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

It was a really good weekend over all. I love my friends. :)

On Friday, Ems was in town so we got a posse together and celebrated. It started at The Drunken Boat in Berkeley where my friend Z is so kind to take care of people with their culinary needs. Within moments of me beginning to tell Luna about the recent events of my life that have me in a kind of a tailspin lately, Z came over and offered his opinion on a cure for my woes. the prescription was two simple words: strip club. And when I mentioned that's a luxury a broke college student doesn't have in his future, my three fabulous companions (Ems, Luna, and J) all jumped in to say that they were going to take me and buy me lap dances. And for those of you who don't know, when three beautiful women tell you that they want to take you to a strip club and buy you lap dances, life ain't that bad. It really kinda puts things in perspective. :)

We then spent several hours drinking wine, eating, hot tubbing, picture-taking, connection-having, fun-making, bribe-collecting, innuendo-slinging, and tickle-fighting over at the barton house with the addition of other fine friends. the cavorting was so merry, that in the end, despite much anticipation, we decided not to break ourselves away from the comfort and warmth of home in order to head to the city for a strip club. so, instead, a new prescription was given. this time it was also two simple words: rain check.

truthfully, a night with friends like that is WAY better than a strip club, which means that (a) there's something wrong with me, (b) i'm getting older, or (c) friends are better than hot, scantily clad women (unless of course, your friends ARE hot, scantily clad women).

that night i got home way to late and woke up way too early to get the first day of my men's group retreat. so saturday was spent out in nature with 15 other men. it's all confidential-n-shit, so I can't tell you what we did specifically, but I can say that it involved lots of stuff i wouldn't write about anyway. ;)

there was an extended moment on the beach that afternoon when i was walking alone for awhile where everything just slipped away ... all my concerns, troubles, aches, pains, sorrow, anxiety, fear, ego ... and i just was. me, walking on the beach, totally present, totally me, totally joyful and alive, in the moment. i felt big, i felt possibility, i felt peace, i felt inspired, i felt solid. i felt free of all attachments.

i guess it's fair to say it was a spiritual moment, though it wasn't characterized with the feeling of being one with everything (that's a more common theme in moments that i recognize as spiritual). it surprises me how moments like that can just come along when i am out in nature, just walking along by myself, experiencing life.

it reminded me of this e.e. cummings poem:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~ ee

so that's that. good weekend. finding more and more value bringing more of myself to the table in my relationships. there is part of me that is longing for some discontinuous change in my life, yet i am still very much appreciating the more gradual and predictable path i am on.

jason is god

2006-04-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

Assignment: Go to googlism.com and enter your name.
Then, read all about yourself!

jason is god
jason is that which is
jason is a therapeutic super protector
jason is not ... jason is not stupid
jason is one of new york city area's most respected
jason is possessed
jason is still here
jason is a new man
jason is a buttmuffin
jason is a sick bastard
jason is also short
jason is very correct
jason is awesome cock
jason is that which is those who are not he
jason is so happy and insane
jason is a go
jason is hostile he goes to bed every night
jason is propelled by seven dc electric thrusters that provide about 300 newtons
jason is a remotely operated vehicle
jason is currently in serious but stable condition
jason is best by 7/27/2035
jason is not likely to attack downfield
jason is helpful in advising you on the strengths and weaknesses of the offers you are getting
jason is already preparing for next year's awards
jason is one of the most muscular on the circuit as well
jason is 9 jason is 2
jason is not too bad
jason is hot
jason is going later this year
jason is currently working on his follow up to 1999's can you still feel?
jason is my boyfriend
jason is a certified master trainer for obedience and behavior modification
jason is an overemotional and extremely biased artfag social climber with a short temper and a bad habit of anthropomorphisizing household appliances
jason is the son of peaches and jesus
jason is the devil
jason is you've heard what the guys say "nathan is"
jason is back to his old tricks in an entirely new setting
jason is suddenly caught in the glare of a dozen spotlights
jason is kept under lock and key
jason is awake
jason is the total package
jason is coming over right now

Amplification

2006-04-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Returning to SF from my spring break has unfortunately amplified the heartache I've been dealing with. It's frustrating and aggravating to still be in the throes of this emotional journey. I know it hasn't been that long and that broken hearts aren't known for rapid healing ... sigh ... I just ... I just hate it.

So many thoughts and feelings about all this - all the time.

Some moments I feel total love and compassion for her, really understanding where she is and what she is trying to do for herself. Other moments I am so angry that she has pulled herself away so drastically ... that the choice to end our physical intimacy wasn't supposed to end our connection and friendship. Still other moments, I get pissed at myself for being so hooked into this one human being and at the same time "getting" that this is all part of what happens when you fall madly in love with someone and then "lose" them. And then there's the jealousy and the longing. There's the missing someone who was becoming one of my best friends in the world. There's the frustration at the not knowing how to be around her and not knowing what she is thinking/feeling about all this. There's the just wanting to be connected again and not knowing why that isn't happening. There's the resistance to reaching out - not willing to put myself at risk for any more rejection. There's the faith an patience that this is not a permanent phase and that things will come around. There's the resignation and bitterness that says, "Fuck you world, I don't want any of it anymore." There's the fear of this sadness pushing other people away even more. There's the appreciation of learning all that I am learning about myself. There is the mixed emotional states that come with knowing that I just want to feel wanted. And then it comes back full circle to just having total love and compassion for her, for myself, for everything.

I also get angry at myself for being so affected by all of this. She is just one woman. Why am I so fucking hung up on her? I know, I know because I'm in love with her. I can feel how the healing process is starting to harden me against her and I hate that.

I just don't know what to do. She isn't really reaching out to me and I feel like it would just be futile for me to reach out to her. I don't get it. I have to trust that behind all this distance, she is still the woman that I fell in love with and who, until recently, told me again and again how much she loved me ... how much I didn't even know how much she loved me. The woman i had the ability to open again and again just by being me. It feels as if that has all changed, and yet I resist believing that.

I guess the key is to just continue being and have patience for this transition period to play out. Perhaps we'll be close again, perhaps not. I would consider it a great loss if we aren't able to be involved in each others lives in a deep and intimate way. Right now, I just have to wait for her to be ready to want to connect again. I'm done with chasing.

I'm trying, I really am trying to balance all of these feelings. I know that everything I am feeling right now comes from this place of love. The fact that I feel unable to express that pisses me off, saddens me, and confuses me. And so I write about it here when I just can't sit with it anymore. I make it public to be honest about who I am right now. I go through parts of the day when I feel so numb and apathetic and then I notice that the numbness is just a desensitization of the overwhelm of emotion. I feel like i should be able to "just get over it," but it's not that simple. fuckin' hell.

i want a birds-eye view of it all so i can just understand what this is all about. why are things the way they are right now? is this the way it is supposed to be? is this the way it has to be? is this what she wants? is this what i need? is the love still there? is the friendship still there? am i supposed to just surrender to it all or am i supposed to be taking emotional risks to create what i want?

i don't know. i just don't know. i know what i want, and i don't know what to do about that - or if i am supposed to do anything.

I wish I was the moon tonight

2006-04-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

new york has been great. so good to see old friends and pick up as if we saw each other last week instead of 9 years ago. and there is something refreshing about the attitude the people in this city have, there's an abrasiveness about it that is both comforting and annoying. there is certainly nothing like nyc in the world that i've ever experienced. it feels as if the city has become more cosmopolitan, however. the abundance of young, beautiful people with 'attitude' is plainly obvious. not that i am complaining at looking at beautiful people, but the "i'm too cool for even myself-ness" about many of them is both alluring and obnoxious. in others, there is a tangible honesty in just being who they are. one thing is for sure, there are lots of people in this city and i haven't yet tired of observing them all.

on friday night we went to see Neko Case at webster hall in the village. girls got a voice. it was a great show and i was very impressed with the sound at the venue, its not often you can see a show these days in a smallish venue where the voice and band are crystal clear and mixed perfectly. her voice seems to convey a distinct personality, one that is lonely and pained yet strong willed and defiant. it made me a little sad to listen to her - mostly because i was introduced to her music via ami singing to me in the car. there's still a lot of heartache there for me.

saturday night i decided to head down to the south street seaport museum to see "Bodies: The Exhibition." i'd heard about this exhibit for awhile and was going to go see it in san francisco until i found out that the one in san francisco was a different show called 'the universe within' and that it didn't hold a candle to the one here in NY. the wait was well worth it. amazing. the exhibit begins gently with the skeletal system. the bodies have been plasticized and displayed in various forms, either whole bodies or segments of. from skeletons, you move into the muscular system and are able to view multiple layers of muscle and tendon throughout the body. from there, the nervous system - where they have somehow been able to remove the entire nervous system from the body and lay it out in a case. the same for the vascular system, where there are full body exhibits of just veins and arteries as well as highlights of various body segments. and on to the organs, the reproductive system ...

it's a profound experience and i'm not sure that i can really describe how it has impacted me. to see, so clearly, the utter complexity and delicacy of our bodies and yet to know how resilient we are. having the opportunity to take this knowledge and be able to visualize it, to see how masterfully we are put together, how all of our systems are physically related in three dimensions, to see the effects on the body of disease and aging, the various forms of human development in utero ... it's a wonder we are able to survive the way we do. i highly recommend checking it out and add the disclaimer that it may make you a little nauseous at first.

in other news, i got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and went to the airport for my 9am flight ... only to learn that my 9am flight is tomorrow morning. whoops. but at least that left me with this beautiful, sunny extra day in NY. i spent a lot of it just walking around, checking people out, clearing my head for the final push for my graduate school career. i feel like i have been gone for so long in many respects, and yet so much of what was going on for me when i left is still so present.

i look forward to my bed. i look forward to reconnecting with friends. i look forward to getting my head back into LIT and putting into practice all that i am learning right now.

"How will you know if you found me at last
'Cause i'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight" ~neko case

all about my mother

2006-04-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

tuesday i spent most of the morning going through some boxes of my stuff that have been stored here with my mom for the past 5+ years. it was a fun little trip down memory lane and i found a lot of the things i've been wondering about for some time. things like:

-the entire set (minus one) of the Empire Strikes Back collectors cards that i got piece by piece as a kid
-two bags of marbles i used to play/compete with in 4th grade on the playground in maine
-my high school yearbook
-notebooks from high school and college with many unfinished letters to lovers and women i was interested in
-lists of cassette mixes i used to make for friends (i used to make a LOT of mix tapes!)
-a print out of all the saved emails from when i first started emailing back in college, including a lot of correspondence with Chrissy, my girlfriend of 3 years back in school
-photos i took, printed and mounted in high school (most of them are *horrible*)
-tapes of old bands
-and a whole lotta junk!

i wish i had the time to read all the old short stories i used to write as there are tons of them, but that will have to wait for another day. i had forgotten how much creative writing i used to do. loads and loads of it ... notebooks filled with story ideas and brief synopsis' of stories yet to be written.

in the afternoon, i decided it was time to talk to mom some more about our relationship. i felt a lot of resistance getting into it and felt where i stood at the line between choosing to say something versus choosing to go sit behind a pile of stuff and ignore it all.

i choose to say something.

i'll start by saying that what i feel now (several hours later) is like the door has been cracked open and the ground feels very fragile. kind of like walking on hard-packed snow that collapses underneath you once in awhile and you never know when that is going to occur.

but i'd have to say it was a really good day. i aired a lot of the places where i feel like i haven't wanted to open up to her and some of the reasons behind all that. she resisted getting into it a lot at first, not wanting to expose her pain, not wanting to cry, but i kept asking questions and encouraging her to tell me how she felt and what she thought. sadness begat anger. anger begat softening. softening begat understanding.

i feel like we have a long way to go and i look forward to talking more about it tomorrow. for now, it feels good to be able to share with her, very honestly, the judgments i've had, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration ... and it's felt good to hear some of that from her.

we acknowledged that, since i began high school, we haven't really connected much and almost not at all since the divorce and my going off to college. i didn't mark the divorce as such a turning point in my life and it's hard to tell if that was more or less influential than me going off to school and living on my own for the first time. it's interesting to consider the reasons are for why our relationship is the way it is, and at the same time it doesn't really matter much - examining the past is interesting, but moving forward is what is important.

what matters is uncovering what feelings are there now and discovering where i want the relationship to be. i know that we are very different people and there have been a lot of things i have resented about her over the past 15 years. i also see where i have a lot of room to accept her for who she is, give myself the chance to get to know who she is, and not think that our relationship has to look or feel any particular way. i can see how a piece of my unconscious thought-pattern has been something like, "well, if you are not my mom who looks like a-b-c, then there's nothing there for me." perhaps that's too extreme, but something along those lines seems to land for me.

so, there's more to come and i'll write of it then. i feel a lot of mixed feelings about it all. on one hand i feel accepting of everything that has occurred and see it as what needed to happen at the time and then there is also seeing how that's not how i want to be anymore. with all of this comes the more full understanding of how much i've hurt her by being closed and unwilling to share my life with her ... co-creating the reality that she has been a mother without a son in some respects. and i can't even fully imagine what that feels like as a parent.

i still feel that some of my motivation is coming from a place of feeling like I "should" be doing this - that is, I should be open to her. i'm confused about that and it bothers me to some extent that i don't feel compelled to repair this relationship from a place of deep love. not that that is not the reason ... it may very well be, but i don't *feel* it right now. in all honesty, at this very moment, i am in this because i have some intangible belief that it will be good for me in some way .... and .... because i want to be good to my mother.

i'm not expecting any particular outcome. i see an opening and that feels great. i feel some mutual understanding and that feels great. and i still feel a lot of the disappointment, frustration and annoyances that i have felt for a long time. what is different right now is that i am not holding on to that stuff. it comes and it goes. the promise i have around this is to let go of the rigidity of how i've seen her and be more open to who she is ... all while expressing myself clearly and being honest with her about what i think and feel.

so for now ... that's where i am ... looking forward to what's next.

01:02:03 04/05/06

2006-04-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

one surefire way to get away from your heart break (for a little while anyway) is to go to a friend’s jewish wedding, eat amazing food, drink a lot, and dance with said friend’s young, hot jewish (and non-jewish) friends. i need to marry a jewish woman. not just because i tend to be very attracted to them, but because they have the most fun weddings i’ve ever been to. this one makes three and the amount of life they give to their celebrations is inspiring ... at least in my experience.

seattle was great. i got to spend some time with some old friends from SF, reconnect with some friends i met in belize, and met some awesome new peeps ta boot. new photos are up on my site for those of you who know where to look for them.

yesterday was a lot of traveling, but i didn't mind so much. i do so love my time alone. one reason i love southwest airlines ... they don't take anything too seriously. my flight into chicago was very choppy. in the last 20 minutes it felt like the plane was fishtailing the whole way in. in the seconds leading up to and during the landing, one of the flight attendants starting singing this tune over the loud speaker (to the tune of gilligan's island):

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out of sea-at-tle,
aboard this tiny airship.
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
your cookies would be tossed, your cookies would be tossed.

And then he sang to some made-up melody:
I love you and you love me
You'll thank me for my hospitality
If you marry me, you can fly for free!

And then, when I was landing in Albany, i realized that i hadn't put any conscious thought into what it was going to be like to see my mother for the first time in almost 4 years. i was on the plane as we taxied to the gate and i just realized that i had no idea what to expect and knew that i was ready to start breaking down some big walls that have been up for a long, long time.

i remember walking toward the baggage claim where i was going to meet her feeling closed and dreading the next two days - all i could feel was how much i didn't want to be here. and then i stopped. and took a moment. and reflected back on some reading i've been doing lately in the book "The Art of Possibility". in that moment i realized i wasn't giving my mother any room to be anything other than what i had created her to be in my head over the years and decided to push that aside.

the first several moments were fine. as expected - talking about travel, the weather, food. but within what seemed like moments on the drive home, we started talking about her and my father's divorce, the specifics about the night they told my sister and i, the events leading up to that, what she was feeling about the decision before and after, how she feels about my father now .... i learned some things i never knew about the situation. i learned that she thought that i blamed her and that's why i've been so distant all these years (it makes me cry just to write that).

i asked about my reaction the night they told us. i don't remember much aside from sitting on the couch and other details like where they sat, where my sister sat and her reaction. i just remember going out and walking into the fields behind my house afterwards and sitting outside under the sky, tearless. my mother said that, in the moment, i was furious. i wouldn't let them speak. i didn't want to hear it. i recoiled into the corner of the couch telling them to shut up. and then i got up and left.

i don't remember crying about it or feeling anything about it for a couple years. one day in college it struck me that i hadn't ever felt it and i cried for a few minutes and that was it. i asked my mom what i was like after i walked out that night and she said i never said anything about it or showed any emotion ... nothing. i internalized it all and dealt with it that way.

then she asked me about ami. she didn't know what's been going on this past month. last she heard, i was madly in love and high as a kite. it was hard to visit all that and yet, not at all. i'm usually so guarded with my mom. last night i just let it all out - gave her the whole story, talked about everything i've been going through and what i've been learning, what i feel good about, what hurts like hell, what i want. and yet, i still see where i could offer more of myself in relating all that and plan to go there over these next few days.

i told her i feel like we have a lot to talk about and i don't readily know what any of that is. but i want to find out.

when we finally got home (to the house where my grandparents used to live and where i spent enough time as a child that it feels like a home i know) it was very surreal. i haven't been here in 5-6-7 years and last time i was here my grandfather was still alive. this place reminds me more of him than my grandmother, but i have so many memories of the both of them and our family in this house.

what struck me right away was that it smells exactly the same. smell is such a powerful sense. it evokes so many memories in such a unique way. the second thing i noticed is how small the place feels. almost like a doll house.

i'm staying in my grandparent's bedroom. it's weird. i pretty much never went into their room when they were alive except to wake them up from a nap or something. it's such an indescribable feeling for that to be my room for this visit and to just be *in* that space for extended periods of time.

today ... well, today is another long post to write about and i'll probably write about it later. it's late ... i just celebrated the "once in a thousand years" occurance of it being 01:02:03 o'clock on 04/05/06. i love stupid shit like that.

it's a bummer to miss my leadership training tonight and i welcome the mini-break from life back in SF.

there there

2006-04-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

in pitch dark i go walking in your landscape.
broken branches trip me as i speak.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.

there's always a siren
singing you to shipwreck.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
steer away from these rocks
we'd be a walking disaster.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)

just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)

there there

why so green and lonely?
heaven sent you to me.

we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.

we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.

(courtesy of radiohead)
[can't stop listening to this song lately]
{just wanted to use a third set of brackets}

thanks albert

2006-03-31T12:24:00.000-08:00

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part
limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and
feelings, as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical
delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for
us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few
persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this
prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living
creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

~ Albert Einstein

and you may ask yourself

2006-03-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

i wrote a big, long journal entry the other day that i was going to post here. it was about my experience on tuesday night in the leadership training and the deepening of awareness it brought to the lessons in my life right now.

but, it's several pages that can really be summed up in a few lines:

i've spent many many years of my life giving up my voice, opinions, desires when faced with a choice between what i want and what someone else wants. mostly, when in connection with that other person, i do it when i feel like there is something to lose. in other words, i accommodate to others in an effort to look good, control the situation, be likable, be non-confrontational and so i don't have to be in a situation where i state what i want and then not get it.

this behavior is married to the extent to which i depend on external sources to validate who i am. a deficit in my life is the "truly getting my self-worth/value" and the "accepting of everything that i am". the disconnect is where these are all things i "know" and get on an intellectual level and yet have such a vacancy of on an emotional level.

(and, for the record, none of this is obviously so dualistic that there isn't a lot of blending of the two extremes)

my journey right now is bridging that gap that is filled with old defense mechanisms, illusions, and ways of being that served me at one time in my life, but not anymore. conceptually, it seems so easy and yet the path is not so clear. or is it? one practice is to notice those times when i begin to hold myself back and to cross over that line and say what it is i want to say.

it's a poignant time for me to be addressing all this. the separation from ami confronts many of these old triggers.

lately, i wake most mornings feeling lonely. there was a time several months ago where i woke alone, but not lonely. right now, i feel abandoned and confused. in general, i am feeling much more solid, grounded and open ... but the sorrow, anger and disappointment are still with me. i cannot rush through these feelings. i miss her. i miss the companionship. i miss the intimacy with her. it feels like i've been shut out by one of my best friends. and it hurts to have the perception that this separation isn't all that hard for her. the change feels so drastic - more so than seems necessary.

i am surprised by the gentleness in which i feel all these things. it occurs to me the more i allow all the emotions to come, the less force they need to make themselves known. i've noticed a few times when there are strong spikes of emotion how i've been avoiding a particular feeling or hiding from it. that awareness feels good.

and i am thankful for the wealth of love and acceptance i have for her.

everything feels like a giant pendulum this week.

i always have so much more to say when i write than when i speak. i believe the time it takes to type allows me to get further inside and uncover other things that are coming up for me. i want to tell you about my feelings about transformational work and how, on some levels, it feels like a ridiculous luxury to think about these things. i want to share with you thoughts about my upcoming trip. i want to expose other fears and excitement that seem to be pervasive in my day to day life.

but for now, i am just going to get back to being. allowing this morning's sadness to flow through me and make space for whatever is next.

****

sometimes i sit back and i think "this is all really happening".

i feel like i've been in a haze for the past while.
where am i? how did i get here?

it all makes sense ... and it all doesn't

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

After a while

2006-03-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

~ Veronica Shoffstall 1971

Absolutely Clear

2006-03-31T06:55:00.000-08:00

Absolutely Clear

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

~Hafiz

end/beginning

2006-03-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it's over. Whatever "it" was. Last night Ami and I spoke for a couple hours about the state of our relatedness. She was clear on the fact that she is done with our exploration and I finally gave up the pursuit of finding a fit between us that looks a certain way.

Today I am feeling a gentle sadness and an uncomfortable emptiness. The sadness is expected and, fortunately, I feel like I've already been through the gut-wrenching agony of this transition. What I feel now has a peaceful undertone to it. The emptiness comes from this feeling of loss. Loss of something I never really had. Well, that's partially true. Part of me felt like I was in a relationship, but the truth of the matter is, we never really had a relationship (in the "partnership" sense). We did have a very close relatedness that I cherished (the time together, the intimacy, the knowing she was out there thinking of me and that we would spend time together soon). I feel sad for the loss of that. This feeling makes it all the more clear to me how much I am just wanting some regularity in my connections with people ... the feeling of intimacy with others such that I know it won't be several weeks before I spend time with them again. The feeling that someone else is a priority in my life and I in theirs. I want this with a few people, not just one. I know it's something I have to jointly create and have doubts to how easy that will be ... everyone is so involved and busy. Perhaps it's a matter of having a more open definition of what all that looks like.

Regret is one of my least favorite feelings and yet it seems to fit a lot of what I am feeling right now.

Regret
1a: to mourn the loss or death of, b: to miss very much
2:to be very sorry for

I regret the way that this had to come about.
I regret that I didn't trust in her conviction about not wanting a relationship and allowing the lines to blur with messages that seemed mixed.
I regret where the unknown strength of my desire for something more got in the way of where I was agreeing to be.
I regret that I let her down in that way and did not uphold what I said I would, completely.

I do not feel like I need to blame myself for this ... I get why and how it happened. It's unfortunate. I have learned a hell of a lot from this experience about my own need for clarity in life (especially when it involves another so intimately) and I believe I'll continue to learn. It seems impossible to even capture in writing everything that this is teaching me.

I fell and am deeply in love with this woman. What I hope to find peace around is this: ever since the first day that we spent together, I've had this deep, clear feeling that, translated, says "I found you". That has been with me every day for the past nearly 5 months. Some days it was vivid and tangible, most days it was just this feeling buried deep inside. It feels like both an amazing blessing and a tragedy at the same time. I don't know what to make of it. I am open to seeing how that can be true and that it doesn't have to mean that we are supposed to be partners. Like Sarah, I trust that she will be in my life in a significant way.

I feel sad that I may have hurt her in any way.
I feel angry that she hurt me.

I am angry at the universe for all of this.

And yet, getting back to the "greater scheme of things" I do believe that people show up in our lives for a time, capacity and reason. It's clear to me how much our experience has taught one another. I am thankful for that. Really. Truly. It helps me feel the acceptance for what is.

For whatever it's worth, Mercury came out of retrograde on the 25th. To whatever extent I believe in Astrology, there is something to be said about that occurrence and what these past 3 weeks have felt like. Is it a coincidence that that period of time was the most chaotic in my life recently? Hmmmmm.

I hate that I feel lonely.

Admittedly, there is also some relief in all of this. I can't say it is a surprise at all. I feel like I've been preparing for it for the past couple weeks. Having resolution feels wonderful regardless of the outcome.

Regret. Despite what I said above, I also do not regret any of this. If you asked me a week ago about the Shakespearian saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," I would have told you to go suck on an egg. But, in actuality, I agree. I would never have passed up this experience. And "lost" is such a subjective term. I haven't lost love at all. We are both still very much deeply in love with one another. That is real. What is lost is the fabrication that it was anything other than it was. Understandably, I grew attached to that fantasy and letting go is painful.

It may very well continue to be a difficult transition ... I can't predict how I'm going to feel nor do I want to try. Right now, I am present to sadness, emptiness, relief, and a vaporous excitement and optimism for what comes next for us ... the growth and deepening of intimacy and love through friendship. I can also feel the hopeful anticipation of having fun together again once some of the dust settles.

What's most important to me is Ami ... in my life ... deeply. I will release that having to look a particular way and surrender to allowing it to be as it wants to be ... all the while paying attention to not giving up who I am to have it.

I bow to the gods of time.

solid

2006-03-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

Friday night I played drums again in front of a couple hundred people. I had a really good time for most of it. There were a number of challenges to overcome related to the sound, dealing with bandmate’s frustrations and handling some low-grade nerves in the beginning. I felt like I was able to lose myself in the music for a lot of the performance, though I also felt where I was conscious of how I looked while playing at times (am I making a weird face?). heh heh.

We got seriously delayed in starting (which pretty much always happens) and that was a bummer because our second set didn’t start until 12:40 and so many people had left by that time. This was such an important night for Ian (the guy I was drumming for) and I could tell that he was a little bummed that all of the complications surfaced the way they did.

It was great to come off stage after each set and hear from friends how much they loved hearing and seeing me play … especially that so many of them remarked about how hot and sexy it was. I guess that’s what happens when you put a man in his element.

Ahmi showed up too, against many odds. She deserves credit for all that she went through to get there – esp. since she is usually not interested in going out on Friday nights. Unfortunately, due to the challenges of getting to the gig, she missed the first set and was only able to catch one song of the second. I was pretty bummed about all that … I’d been wanting for her to hear me play for a long time. Drumming is such an integral part of who I am and a way to express my soul without having to muck it up with words that do or do not fit in the moment. It’s a way to disengage from my head, allowing me to channel something bigger than me through my body. It’s an emotional flow. It's spiritual. It’s my art. And I so wanted to share that with her. I know she was bummed too. It means a lot to me that she tried.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Last night I got together with my mens group for dinner. It was great to see everyone since I haven't been able to go to meetings this semester. I had written to the guys about what's been going on for me lately and they suggested we get together so they could give me some support.

It was really helpful. They helped me restore confidence in trusting myself to know what's what. They also gave me some necessary reflection about how amazing a man I am and reminded me that I have to come from that place. No more of this self-doubt bullshit. The doubt is really just my wound talking and it's time for it to shut the hell up.

I feel good. I feel like exactly where I am supposed to be. The culmination of recent issues with Ami, the work I am doing in LIT, and my own ruminations have been paying off in wonderous ways. I feel like I have more access to my full range of emotions; I am slowly, but steadily getting in touch with my contributions to people and this world; I am gaining the self-trust and self-respect that i deserve; and I am taking a stand for what I want instead of running from it due to fear.

That feels great. I wish that it felt great all the time - can't say that it does. But I can say that I have more and more appreciation for who I am and what I am capable of. I hit some gnarly rock-bottomness last week and the week before. I'm glad to say I'm on the way back up with the benefits of everything I've learned.

When I stood up in front of LIT last November, I stated that what I wanted from the course was to eradicate the gap between what i know about myself and what i feel about myself. It's great to be able to see that happening in the moment.

death & beauty

2006-03-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

i discovered this site that was sent recently by a friend:

The Library of Dust

click on the "project information" link in the lower right hand corner to see what it's all about.

Seems fitting in my life right about now as I'm experiencing the death of a dream. Though the warm grey rain speaks for my heart today, I cannot turn my eye from the beauty within this journey. Through the heartache, I learn more about myself. I grow stronger. I find more love and acceptance of myself. There is beauty in every laugh and every tear. Recognition of the universal truth of this life: Nothing stays the same ... everything changes, everything dies. That is a truth to be embraced. That is a real beauty in this life.

Once that is embraced - that everything changes, one can let go of attachments. What is the use of being attached to something that in every moment is something new? What is it that is being held onto?

I am doing my best to be aware of this greater wisdom and at the same time allowing myself the very human emotions I am going through. I do not expect that spiritual awareness will free me of all suffering today, though I am open to that possibility ;)

It occurs to me that this is yet another step in the life of Jason. Nowhere to go but here.

My heart weeps and I am astounded by it's beauty.

the flow

2006-03-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hello - oh land of interneters and those who pass by here. You are witness to the land of Jason's period of "letting it all out" to help me figure out what's what. Writing is a great space for me to get through the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart - it slows me down and allows me to look into the nooks and crannies of my being.

For the past week and a half I've been confronted with the fact that something in the relationship between Ami and I has to change. It has changed, actually, but to what? That I don't know yet. Uncertainty is very challenging for me and so I find myself being swished around by the oceans a bit - still determined to find the course that feels 'spot on'. I think part of that is done by letting go and seeing which way the current takes me and part of it is by navigating the waves toward smoother seas.

I recognize I am taking the harder path here. The one where I pursue what I want despite the challenge of it and the chance of going through extreme fluctuations of emotions around it. I know some people would think that the easy route is the way to go, that 'suffering' shouldn't be any part of a relationship like this. Perhaps that is true. And yet everyone i have spoken with who knows us and has seen us together has said, "Keep with it, Jason. Don't give up yet.”

[the harder path as I see it is staying in this space of finding/creating where we fit vs. the easier path which is just walking away and closing her out. and I get that the options aren’t necessarily that dichotomous]

I trust that feedback because it's what my gut is saying. And though I feel so far away from her and though it's difficult to hold on, I can't believe that so much has changed in the past couple weeks to eradicate that connection. It's hard for me to believe that the girl who just two weeks ago was saying I'm "crazy mad in love with you Jason" isn't still in there. I know she is still deeply in love with me, I just can’t feel it lately.

It does concern me that the moods I get in lately, as I am confronted by this change, push her away (permanently) when all i want is her closer again. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to hide the fact that this is a hard transition, but I don't want to repel her either. I have to trust that being myself is the only way to be. That, and trusting that a little space and time will help.

I also have to be okay with any outcome. And realistically, I am. I could walk away right now. It would be easier in some ways (as in I wouldn't have to sit in uncertainty anymore). Yet, emotionally, it would be just as difficult.

The challenge for me is realigning how I see us together - and seeing if I am really okay with that (and of course, if she is as well). I know I am capable of being with a woman intimately (however that means) and non-restrictively. I've done it in the past several times. It's the transition that is challenging as it calls up a lot of triggers for me that i have to be with, feel, and allow to resolve. Right now I'm letting go of the dreams I created. It's been a turbulent process.

I still can't say what I'll choose tomorrow. I know right now that I am up for being right where I am ... I'm still learning and growing.

And when I step out of my emotions and head I just see how much I love this woman from the depths of my heart. I want her to have everything she desires. She deserves it.

She is an angel. She is luminous and vibrant. She has an infinite heart and a keen insight. She is raw and radical. She is the alley cat ... sleek, sexy, comfortable in her habitat, ruler of her world, relaxed, confident, - but ready to pounce at any moment ... dreaming of a nice warm fireplace to get cozy with but always ready to be back out on the streets causing mayhem, stirring up trouble and meeting all the other cats to play with.

Namaste, my love.

unbound

2006-03-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

A few more thoughts as I explore these new insights

First of all, I feel much better as of yesterday and today. I am sleeping more and eating more, which is a good sign. I also have a more positive outlook on MYself and my future. I am still feeling this low-grade emotional drain, feeling low, etc., but it is far from the crippled state Ive been in for awhile. One way to describe it is Ive been feeling heavy and am getting lighter.

My head is becoming more and more clear. My heart is becoming more and more clear. And I am very excited about exploring this boundary work.

In reading some information on boundaries, a few things stuck out to me:

Being able to sense others moods is helpful in relationships, but always being what someone else wants you to be (the guy who will do anything for his woman) is a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. No one can be intimate with someone who doesnt know what s/he feels, wants, likes or dislikes, or who cant be honest about it, even though such dishonesty developed as a survivor skill.

(this tends to be my pattern ... giving up what i want for my lover/partner/etc.)

Active listening:
As you identify the other persons feeling (confirming the boundary) they feel heard and supported and you get practice in healthy boundaries. (paying attention to this will enable me to hear what others have to say without taking them in as mine and/or true)

I have a bunch more reading and thinking to do about all this. I'm enjoying the beginning. Its even interesting to take note of where, in my language, Ive developed a style of speaking that weakens my boundaries.

Support:
I have to thank a lot of people right now for support in all this. Ive received a lot of valuable feedback from friends including the men in my mens group.

Ive been making myself wrong about some things and that is not okay. Clear boundaries will help me with this.

The overwhelming message is: Stop beating yourself up about all this.

Its been challenging to get so much feedback from so many people. Its interesting to note that no one has said, Dude, get out of that situation. I appreciate that people are not offering any absolutes. It feels good to be getting open, grounded insight.

It also feels good to have reached out to people. That was a little challenging. Ive gotten better at this over the years. I still notice where I throw hooks out there hoping to reel people in instead of just saying I need something from you. Sometimes its hard to see like trying to look at the inside of your eyeballs.

Okay, back to work I go. Feeling better. Feeling stronger. Feeling more me again.

more clarity

2006-03-20T16:43:00.000-08:00

i have come to see that LIT (Leadership Intensive Training) is putting me on a very specific path and that journey is toward being right with myself.

if i gain nothing else from this year with you all, the ever present shift towards self-love and acceptance will be the greatest reward. the self-given right to take up space in the world, to pursue my dreams and desires, to pick myself up when i fall down, to let others in and let myself truly see others, to laugh and carry on when i make mistakes, to relax into knowing that i am already everything.

why is that so hard sometimes and so easy at others? why is it that one minute i can feel so in love with myself and everything about me and the next feel like every little piece of me needs to be fixed.

my history shows a tendency to focus on the part of me that is not okay with who i am. that is shifting.

it is so confronting to know that i choose my own reality and yet tend to choose one that doesn't feel so good! what's with that!?

yes, these are all abstract thoughts.

FUCK. (just got off the phone and got a totally new perspective on this)

it is all so clear at this moment.

clarity. where i have so often failed in certain areas of my life is to be clear on what i want and to hold true to that. i have integrity in so many areas of my life and that is one that continuously is weak. it is that part of me that is so afraid to stand up for what i want because it may create conflict or make others go away.

though this is jumping the gun on next weeks homework ... my next practice is considering and clarifying the boundaries of my life:

boundaries about what work i will take and what i won't
boundaries about what is okay with how friends treat me and how i treat them
boundaries in my relationships with women
boundaries in agreements i make with people - being really clear about what is okay with me and what is not.

i have been pretty wish-washy in some areas of my life (often in relationships). the exact opposite of the masculine energy i want to cultivate more. i know it when i feel it - that absolute charge by being aligned with what i want and not deviating from that without conscious consideration and choice.

it feels so amazing to have this awareness right now. i feel stronger and more present in just considering it.

damn ... everything i wrote above has a lot to do with this. it occurs to me that at least a portion of my historical lack of self-love and worth comes from a place where I didn't take a stand for what i wanted and allowed others to make choices for me or walk all over me. and i allowed it. how can i pursue dreams and desires if they have no definition? how can i feel good about standing up for myself if i don't even know what it is i am standing up for?

unconscious accommodation is my current worst enemy.

in looking backwards, i see how i often have held my ground when i wasn't concerned with how i looked. when i feel like i need to look good, i give up what i want so to accommodate the other person. in retrospect, that often has the effect of me not looking good.

anyway ... good stuff. looking forward to exploring it more and seeing where in my life it would make an impact. gotta get back to schoolwork.

the simple form

2006-03-20T12:34:00.000-08:00

all that writing/processing (below) has made the following synopsis possible:

it was a huge risk that i took getting involved with a woman who clearly spoke that she was not ready for relationship. it was motivated by a depth of love and attraction that i have not felt in a long time ... and by a quality of love that i have never felt before. and although we spoke clearly about where we were, the motivation to explore this connection caused a diffusion of clarity (and perhaps it even was diffused) that allowed me to live more fully in pursuit of this desire that somewhere after the end of her year-long exploration of intimacy, we would join more fully in relationship and share our lives together.

this exploration became highly focused on "us". there was room for space and for the creation of anything and yet we followed the path we did. perhaps it was exactly what was supposed to happen. it has taught us both a LOT about ourselves and each other. the road ahead of us is not visible. it will be created by whatever choices we continue to make.

we chose each other for a reason. i cannot say if that has been fulfilled or not. it feels like there is more to come. i believe that we have a lot more to teach and give to one another, but i really don't know. anything can happen.

i do not for one second regret this risky choice. amidst all this pain, i will continue to sing her praises.

getting back to our origins ... there is plenty of time ... what next?

i am ...

2006-03-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

Broken Hearted.

Ami and I are in this space of distance and detachment. The past three weeks have been challenging and have uncovered a lot of clarity about where we both are and what we want. Last Friday, we seemed to have a break-through from some of the detachment, yet our last interaction on Saturday night was characterized by frustration, anger and resentment. I don’t know what all this means and I have to stop trying to understand that. Right now, it’s about learning from what I do know.

[Disclaimer: I represent my own perspective on this matter, obviously. I do not mean to put words in Ami’s mouth and this is just my interpretation of what this clarity is. For those of you who know her, and want to know her better, you should talk to her about this and not take my word for it.]

I am very much in love with a woman who is very much in love with me and yet it we want different things around relationship/not-relationship. These differences have been talked about throughout the course of our “relationship” and were believed to be understood on one level, but it turns out there was not enough clarity to prevent the lines from blurring. People’s fears, dreams and mixed-messages can easily blur those lines if there is any room to budge.

For me, I find my self incredibly in love with this woman who, in many, many ways, is the woman of my dreams. At least, I find, when stripped of that part of her that is clear on what she wants. I began envisioning a life with her, partnership, family, continuous love and growth … something not needed now, but wanted later. I knew that this is not what she wanted right now, and she was even clear about not knowing what tomorrow brings and I filled in the gaps and made that vision a possibility. I am responsible for allowing myself to live more in my dream of the future than just being with her in the present. We are both responsible for mixed messages.

Ami does not want a relationship. I don’t think it is too fair of me to go into depth about what she does want, but I will say that she doesn’t want commitment, attachment, security, promises, etc. in her life right now, perhaps with the exception of with herself. She has a beautiful vision of love that is expansive, infinite and unconditional that includes me, but does not single any one person out.

Probably the most difficult thing to hear is that she doesn’t currently feel attracted to me and therefore even the thought of continuing to be lovers is not possible (and may never be). I have failed thus far to be able to step outside the emotion of hearing that and ask her more about it. And it’s apparent that I have only been putting more nails in that coffin in the way I am being around her lately.

I fucking hate the energy this all creates between us. Everything becomes dark, angry, pushed away, turned off. I continue to take part in this dynamic that creates the exact opposite of what it is I want ... closeness, intimacy, attraction, desire to be in each other's presence. The anger and bitterness aren't helping me at all. I am so trying to rise above all this inside me to see it all from an objective view. That will come, I'm sure, but for now I am in the thick of it and all I want is some tenderness and compassion. Some understanding. (more in the sidenote below about this)

In this past week, I seem to fail at communicating my true heart to her. I seem to be missing what she is offering me. And it’s killing me to know that we love each other and support each other and yet the situation doesn’t seem to be creating any space for compassion for the other person trying to understand. And perhaps it is just hard for me to see anger and compassion in the same container. Perhaps my avoidance of conflict blinds me from seeing where love and support are present in anger and distance.

It seems any lack of understanding is taken as intentional. And then anger and frustration arise from feeling like the other isn’t paying attention. I think she feels that I don't want to understand her. And what is true is that, though it may hurt, I love all of her and everything she is ... and I want to understand everything and am not always good about getting there. My own pain gets in the way and causes reactions that apparently show the opposite - that I am not listening or not caring about what she is offering me.

How do I relate that I am not making her responsible for what I am going through? She is the reason, yes, this is about me and her and “us”, but she is not responsible ... there is a difference. I don't blame her anymore than I blame myself for clarity that had room to blur due to mixed messages. I fault myself for getting too wrapped up in a fantasy.

My biggest challenge at the moment is being okay with myself. Not putting myself down for any mistakes I may have made in all this. Not blaming myself for not feeling good enough for her. Not believing that “If I had just done X differently …” - that is all very, very hard for me to do - to get away from my wound of not feeling good enough.

As I sink into this pain, I try and understand the source of it. What am I afraid of? What hurts so fucking much? Why does it feel like I have just lost a huge part of me?

There’s so much to it all. I do feel like I have just lost one of the most important people in my life. Have I really lost her? No. But I am having to let go of this dream I have had of this eventually becoming a partnership. I was clear on how she didn’t want that at all right now, and felt really open to being any particular way with her … yet, I held onto what I wanted for tomorrow instead of staying present in today.

I am afraid of all the closeness and greatness that we shared with one another being erased by these past three weeks. I am afraid of being thought of as unsafe. I am afraid of how others that she talks to will think of me based on her experience and interpretation.

I feel like a huge part of our experience right now is fear butting up against fear. I have spent the past few days calling myself out on some of my bullshit. Not fun. It is also pretty clear in my gut where her behavior is being generated by fear. This was actually confirmed a bit in a recent email she wrote to our leadership team.

I don’t really know where all this is going and what tomorrow brings. I guess that is the point with her. I have to let go of the feeling like I need to fix something. That comes from this place of feeling like this isn’t “the end”. The one thing in my gut that doesn’t feel confused by these emotions and stories is that there is more for us. I don’t want to be attached to that idea. It feels real and unencumbered by everything else – based on how it feels when we are together – and I am afraid of trusting that and being wrong … of learning that I can’t trust my gut feelings. I don’t know what that really means or what it looks like.

It seems really clear to me that there is nothing to “force”. I know that I came across that way with her on Saturday night and I see where that was coming from a place of fear … fear of distance, fear of her “going away”, fear of conflict.

The place where I step into a more powerful way of being is to trust myself, trust her, learn what I have to learn from all this, get clear on what I want, and continue to generate my love of myself, my self-worth, and to be willing to make these mistakes and still love myself.

The emotions are hard to deal with. I need to find some peace in that. I am only hoping that the feeling of rock bottom these past few days are truly rock bottom and that I can now begin to resurface. I finally slept more than 3 hours last night and I think that will help.

I know I miss the "togetherness" I felt with her - that sense of really loving each other, wanting each other, enjoying our time together ... I know I want that back. I don’t know if that is possible. I know I can’t do anything to try and create it right now. I have to let this sense of 'damage' pass.

So now … I have to figure out what it is I want. I can’t have a partnership with her nor any dreams of tomorrow. Can I be with her right here, right now with no promises, commitments, or exclusivity and stay really present to what’s real? Or is it better to let it go? What do I fear most? Are fears guiding my decisions? Is what I decide I want even available to me? If not, is there room to create space for that to bloom?

So that is where I am. Feeling extraordinary pain by my own worst demons, failing to see the strength others are reflecting I am showing, missing the hell out of the woman I love, anxious about how far I’ve fallen behind in my work, needing more sleep and food than I seem to be able to manage, feeling some hope for the lessons I am learning and how it will improve my life, getting glimpses of how it is all going to be ‘okay’ … taking it all moment-to-moment.

Side thoughts:
[I begin to wonder about the majority of my friendships being with women … is there something about women and their tendency for tenderness and compassion that I yearn for? I don’t feel like I had a lack of that from my mother as a child, so it doesn’t make sense to me that I am trying to make up for anything. I also don’t feel like I got too much of it as a child, so it also doesn’t feel like I am trying to continue to feed something. I do see a tendency to view my life through the lens of being a victim to something and it’s reasonable to think that I would want to be comforted around that. It’s hard not to make myself ‘wrong’ for feeling that way sometimes.]

[I am also tripping on a comment she made on Saturday night about feeling that I come much more from a feminine energy than masculine. When I have asked others about this in the past, I get mixed responses. Some men tell me that I am one of the more masculine men they know. What does that all really mean? What the hell difference does it make? I am inclined to think that the aspect of all this that may warrant the most attention is how I often don’t stand up for what I want. Is that a masculine/feminine trait? That ability comes more and more as I continue to develop this understanding of what I want and the belief that I am worth it to take up space and not pass over my own desires.]

Lists

2006-01-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

2006 has been kind and cruel so far. unfortunately, i've been focusing too much on the cruel. okay, perhaps cruel is a but too dramatic, but i'm kinda feeling that way right now.

Ten Things I am Bummed About:

1. I've been having headaches daily for over a month now. Currently on antibiotics to see if it's a sinus infection.
2. Two beings I love of the dog-variety have been put to sleep in the past month. Sad to see them go.
3. I came really close to having a $10k contract this month, but it fell through on the client-side.
4. Most of the month, I've been feeling pretty low energy despite getting exercise and trying to eat healthy.
5. My COBRA dental insurance ends next month and it doesn't look like i can extend it. (Individual dental plans are either
WAY expensive or crappy)
6. I haven't made the time to see a bunch of people I love and whom I haven't seen in FAR TOO LONG!
7. I have not yet found an internship doing something I am truly excited about for this semester.
8. My computer is getting dangerously close to not working anymore.
9 All this work in the Leadership Intensive Training is leading me to think about all that I am not vs. all that I am.
10. I have resorted to writing 'Ten Things I am Bummed About' lists to vent it all.

AND SO ... to balance this all out and get perspective ...

Eleven Things I am Happy About:

1. All of the above doesn't matter at all in the greater scheme of things.
2. I am in love with an incredible (truly incredible!) woman who amazes me on a daily basis. Oh, and she's hot!
3. I made a commitment to my men's group that I would stretch everyday and I'm about 97% in integrity with that.
4. I'm beginning to learn more about money and how to make it work for me.
5. I am going to Tahoe for 5 days this week!!
6. Almost every day this month I've taken time to lay in the sun on my bed.
7. The Leadership Intensive Training is beginning to help me move through some old, thick barriers.
8. I feel really good about all the work I have been doing for the Rhythm Society lately.
9. I knocked off just about everything on a 6-month old To Do list this month.
10. I am physically stronger than I have ever been in my life thanks to a regular work-out schedule.
11. I am still very much in love with who I am even if I struggle periodically with liking my baggage.

bonus:
12. I am done with making silly lists for now.

2006

2006-01-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

i have big intentions for this year. this is the year that i take away layers upon layers of restriction ... in thoughts, in actions, in dreams ...

i feel so excited for who i am, full of love for myself and am going to set a course for more freedom and liberation from all the ways that i hold myself back and cloud my belief in myself. it's scary too. it feels like a big risk, but the fact of the matter is, it's more of a risk to hold myself back, to keep myself from even dreaming of what i want.

that's a relatively foreign concept to me ... what i want. i'm looking forward to learning more about that and being willing to make difficult choices to support that.

i feel like it's already begun. the testing of my will. the first two days of 2006 have not been easy, they have been emotionally chaotic. and it's gratifying to know that my willingness to stay open to it all and experience it ... to resist shutting down and closing off ... has enabled openings that were unexpected.

i have so much to be thankful for ... the people in my life who inspire me and teach me, the choices i have made to seek more out of life, the fear i have faced to experience all of the dimensions of love ...

i'm excited and i'm scared ... and i'm willing to take it all on as best i can ... with experience as the goal and life as the reward.

to begin ... i'm going to take a nice hot shower!

kaya

2006-01-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

i found out this morning that kaya, one of my favorite dogs in the world, has passed on.

she's been sick since this summer and was finally diagnosed with cancer this fall. after treatment failed to help, she was put to sleep on december 26. i understand that in the days before, she enjoyed many a meal of turkey, bacon, peanut butter, chicken and tuna ... what every dog deserves.

my heart is so heavy. i will miss her so much.

kaya ... i hope that wherever you are now, you have beaches and fields filled with fun things to chase and big comfy warm places to sleep and mounds of people food to eat.

i love you you little shedding ball of slobber.

love

2005-12-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time internet. So much to say, so much to express.

I'm sitting in a plane high over the mountains in Utah/Colorado ... looking like we're on the approach to the Rockies. The mountains are dusted with snow that fades into fine powder over the valley floors. It looks like someone opened a big bag of flour and spilled it all over everything. I especially love how the light is hitting all the ravines reaching into the valley floor. I can't help but wonder what all the people do in the small towns below, nestled up against a mountain range or out in the desert plains. Everything looks so far apart compared to the endless masses of houses and people near larger cities.

I've been thinking how I have been wanting to find a mountain to climb and yell about the love I feel right now, and it occurs to me that being in this plane, flying high above all the mountains is a much better height to share my thoughts from ...

So world ... I'm in love. Truly, madly, deeply. Her name is Ami (that's pronounced: Ah-me .... NOT Amy!!) and I love her like no other. I find it particularly difficult to put words around these feelings as they seem to contain and restrict the true emotion. But ... I'll try. :)

When I am with her, I can't stop looking into her eyes. It's a place of peace, of wonder, of joy. She welcomes every piece of me and accepts it all. She is so amazingly beautiful and intelligent and keen and open and adorable and intuitive and sexy. Her laughter lightens my being, relaxes me, causes me to expand. Her life is so naturally aimed toward possibility and she inspires just about everyone she touches. She is one of those people that people are magnetically drawn to. Just today at the bank, when I was done with my transactions, I found her sitting up front in such a friendly and joyful conversation with the security guard. I love that about her. I love that she went out and found me a silly video game for my travels called Steer Madness where you are this cow who is on some kind of mission to get out of being made a hamburger, who shacks up with a Vegan woman and avoids getting hit by the Tofu truck. I love how patient she is with me. How well she takes care of others, how much she loves. Her heart is infinite. I love her dedication to making this world a better place. I love her passion for sharing her love with the world.

(Oh my god, the world below is so beautiful right now. Desert valleys erupting in cliffs striped with altering bands of light and dark layers with winding ravines and rivers meandering through the masses of rock and earth).

I get so lost in her eyes. The world just kind of fades away. It's such a new feeling for me. I was talking with Sarah last week about it and we talked about how each time you fall in love, it's a different experience. I feel so much more whole in this. Able to bring more of myself and be so much more accepting of myself and her. All of this identity work in my leadership training program has allowed me to see more of how I can love her wholeness and not certain aspects of her and how I can love her from my entire being as opposed to some piece of me that is looking to have some need met. This love feels so much bigger that all that and I find, because of that, I feel no urgency or that this needs to look any particular way. And though I am attached to having her around, there doesn't seem to be any feeling of that being an unhealthy clinging ... merely a desire to be with her when I can and how I can. There's a lot of freedom in that and that freedom expands my love.

And it is "us" that makes that possible ... and whatever it is about the combination of Ami and Jason that makes it possible is so precious.

And so I say it from 30,000 feet above the earth so my joy and expansiveness and love can reach as far as possible.

This one is for you Ami ... I love you and I am so excited to have you in my life ... to explore with, to laugh with, to trust, to love, to surrender to.

Thank you for all you have given me just by being you.

this is now a week or more old ...

2005-12-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

holy crap - it's almost been a month since my last posting. (wait that sounds like the beginning of a confession ..)

forgive me internet, for I have sinned.
it's been a month since my last confession.

since last time i have:

finished my 3rd semester of grad school
started a year-long leadership intensive training program
continued to fall in love with this amazing woman i'll call: ami
decided to teach myself how to write left-handed out of sheer curiosity to see if and how it affects the way i think
eaten far too many cookies
been to the gym far less than planned
eaten and drank health concoctions made by a witch doctor (which doctor?)
dismantled my identities (ouch!)
and got an 'A' on an exam i didn't take*

*so, last week my class comes into take our final exam and before getting started, our professor (and my boss at my internship) starts talking to us about how much he has enjoyed the class and how we have impressed him more than any other in regards to the amount of effort we've put in and the quality of the work we've produced. he also explained that he has made every decision around the class in order to maximize our learning. then he said, "and, that being said, you've learned everything you are going to learn in this class, so there is really no point in giving you the exam since it will not teach you anything. so, i'm giving you all an 'A' on the exam and, unless you have any questions, you're free to go."

then the 11 of us picked our jaws up off the floor and took him out for a beer.

that's one of those dream situations that you always WANT to happen and think never in a million years would happen. well, i'm happy to say ... it did!

(and i never really finished writing this ... so there.

and with that ...

2005-11-18T21:26:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow begins a year-long jouney for me. I've enrolled in a Leadership Intensive Training program put on by the Arete Center. Up until today, it's been sitting in the back of my mind somewhere as something I'm looking forward to, in the forefront of my mind as something that I anticipate allowing me to make some pretty subtle, yet dramatic shifts and wading through my subconscious as something else entirely.

I really have very little idea of what to expect other than this is probably (hopefully) some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life and some of the most rewarding. This isn't like other leadership training programs where you are taught the mechanics of being a good leader. This is about deconstructing and removing all the barriers that you have to being the leader you want to be. I want to be. How will that happen? I can't say. But I trust the leaders to provide the space for this all to happen - they do it regularly in the other workshops they lead.

The real work, though, is in what I bring. How I commit to working on trusting myself. How I don't back down in facing the fear and insecurities that are sure to come up.

The reward will be this: (and here is where i pause as the words that want to come are flowery and don't make any real sense and i want to just break it down into solid, honest, tangible facts) ... the reward will be that I have confidence in myself such that I make things happen that I don't currently think I am capable of (but somewhere deep inside, know I can do). The reward is, then, not holding back. The reward is learning how to support others completely. The reward is building this amazingly cohesive group of people. The reward is learning more about myself. The reward is letting go of some of the bullshit stories I carry around about myself. And, probably, the reward is giving me a much greater opportunity of getting or creating the jobs/work I want to do in the world.

It all sounds so appealing, doesn't it? It will be a very interesting and intense year. There's no way to know what tomorrow brings, there are no promises that anything will shift for me. But I have faith in this. I have faith that this opportunity will, at the very least, create the container for me to practice tearing away some of these ill-forged self-restraints. And we'll see.

You'll have to tell me what you see different about me in a year, if anything.

In other news ...

Yes, I'm still totally [insert word that means something like, heart feeling like it's bursting open sometimes and melting in others, and feeling light with joy and laughing to myself a lot and sighing with big grins on my face even more often] about this new person in my life. In this short time, not only am I just totally loving getting to know who she is, but am also learning a hell of a lot about myself. It's an effort to not write only about this, but I strive for balance and paying attention to ALL the OTHER wonderful things in my life these days.

I will forever be curious about whether these are wonderful things that are 'happening to me' or if they are wonderful things that i am somehow 'making happen'. It's probably some combination of both ... some combination of being in the right place at the right time and being there because of who i am and the choices i've made in my life. And I'm not really talking about the debate between 'free will' and 'fate', though that's a small piece of it.

Anyway, it's time to start getting ready for tomorrow and get some sleep. I have an early breakfast date (yea!) and then 2 full days of the beginning of some kind of wonderful. (great movie from the 80's by the way ... hot chick drummer, what more could you ask for? okay, besides hot chick in truck or on motorcycle or with welding gear ... )

and with that ...

arvo

2005-11-15T19:21:00.001-08:00

Today i think i listened to "Cantus in memory of Benjamin Britten" at least 15 times. It's a piece composed by the Astonian composer Arvo Part (with the two little dots over the 'a'). It's on the CD 'Tabula Rasa' for those of you who want to listen. If you do, do it somewhere where you can just give yourself over to the music. No distractions or interruptions. Hear every nuance. Feel every chord. Every bell. Feel how it pulls you in and stretches you and spins you around like you are nothing but an ephemeral gas and then lays you to rest at the end.

I think it is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard. I want it played at my funeral.

I found this on the internet today which deconstructs the piece in a way that I never could, nor would want to. But I found it really enriched the experience for me ...

I don't know what it was about today and this piece, but it struck me. Perhaps it was the 3 hours of sleep, perhaps it was the intensity of emotion in my heart, perhaps it was just feeling cracked wide open and that's how you need to be to really get some music. Or maybe something else. I don't know. And it doesn't matter. Just my mind trying to make sense of things again ...

******
About Cantus (by Michael Attwood):

Cantus begins with three beats of silence. A significant fact which I will return to shortly. Then very very softly (pianississimo), and very slowly a bell is struck. Three times it rings out and dies away, and it continues to be rung almost all the way throughout the piece, mostly in groups of three, gradually getting louder. The other instruments, 1st and 2nd violins, viola, cello, and double bass enter one at a time. They are each playing the same melody - a simple descending A minor scale - but each is playing it progressively slower in the ratio 1:2:4:8:16, so that the double basses are playing at 1/16 of the speed of the 1st violins. This is an old form called a mensuration canon, which was popular in Renaissance music. The first violins start at the upper limit of their range, playing the first note, then repeatedly descending through the A minor scale, adding a note each time. The melody seems, at first tentatively, and them more confidently to probe downwards into the lower registers. Each instrument begins softly, but by stages increases until at the end they are all playing very very loud (fortississimo!). Each voice except the violas is split into two (and at times four) parts with one playing the A minor scale, and the other providing a sort of anchor by playing only notes from an A minor chord. This produces a sort of spiralling effect, with pulses of tension and release.

Each voice, then, is questing downwards, but it is not a blind search. Each is seeking a particular note which forms part of an A minor chord. The violins, having started first, are the first to reach their note, and having got there they simply play that note continuously until the end. As the other instruments find their pitch the effect is like the finishing of a jigsaw puzzle. At about the same time as the violas find their note, the bell lapses into silence. There is a definite, strong sense of completion when the double basses find the low A that completes the final chord, resolving the last dissonance. And so we reach a point where each of 6 voices (the cellos are still paired) playing at full volume, an A minor chord at a very low pitch, which continues for 30 beats. Then suddenly on the first beat of the last bar beat the bell is struck very softly, too low to be heard above the roar of the strings. [5] Simultaneously the strings stop, so that we hear the bell softly ringing and dying away into silence once more.

Cantus, as I said, begins and ends with silence. You might say that all music does this, but in Cantus it is in the score, it is programmed into the music and is integral to the structure of it. [6] I suggest that this silence, is like the blue sky at the beginning of a Buddhist visualisation practice. It is the pregnant void of shunyata. Three beats of silence also begin the 1st violin part. This becomes 6 beats for the 2nd violins, 12 for the violas, 24 for the cellos, and 48 for the double basses. In other words although we hear the instruments joining in progressively, they actually begin at the same moment! Silence in music is a great source of creative tension. For the performer it is a koan - how does one 'perform' silence?

The whole piece is built around the A natural minor scale, also known as the Aeolian Mode. Both the scale and the fundamental chord built from its notes have a characteristic melancholy to them. Music written in a minor key is almost inevitably sombre, sad, or even dark. If anything in music symbolises the bitter-sweetness of human existence, it is the minor chord. There is in it a sense of longing and of existential dissatisfaction. But this is not just any minor key, it is "A" minor which is the model for all minor scales and has ancient associations going back to the ancient Greeks, to Pythagoras and his music of the spheres. By choosing A minor Pärt is declaring his connection with archetypal musical modes which form the foundations of modern harmony.

As I mentioned each voice, each instrumental part, is twofold. This separation into two voices, one which sticks to the notes from the A minor triad, and the other which is free to wander over other pitches, has a definite intended symbolism. The latter "always signifies the subjective world, the daily egoistic life of sin and suffering, [the former] meanwhile, is the objective realm of forgiveness". [7] Pärt goes further:

"This can be likened to the eternal dualisms of body and spirit, earth and heaven; but the two voices are in reality one voice, a twofold single entity. This can be neatly and enigmatically represented by the following equation:

1 + 1 = 1 [8]

There are resonances here with Buddhist doctrines about the duality between samsara and nirvana, existence and non-existence, the conditioned and unconditioned, which are also not two.

Pärt's biographer suggests that "how we live depends on our relationship with death: how we make music depends on our relationship to silence". [9] It is death that sparks this piece. The characteristic Buddhist response to death is to search for the deathless. In the story of the four sights the Buddha-to-be goes forth into homelessness, into the unknown, in order to solve the problems of old age, sickness and death. In listening to Cantus, especially for the first time, we go into the unknown. The bell heralds death, it is the funeral bell and the initial response is instability. The first few bars seem to teeter on the edge of chaos, and we may be asking ourselves: "is this going to be one of those discordant, morbid, 'modern' works?". But soon things settle into a more recognisable pattern, and the entry of the lower voiced, slower moving instruments provides much needed stability. The quest has begun, each voice begins searching downwards, repeatedly pushing lower and lower, seeking something. The result is a sonorous tapestry, swirling with colour and unexpected conjunctions of tension and relaxation, which result not from the whim of the composer, but come from the structure of the canon itself.

And then one by one each voice finds the pitch it has been seeking, sustains it until the end, which is more than 250 beats in the case of the 1st violins. The spiritual life is like this. We search around looking for answers to the big questions. Then when we find the Dharma, we don't get answers, but we get practices which can take us to a place where the questions are transcended. Once we have the practices it's just a matter of sawing away until we reach the goal. We do this on an ever deeper level until at last the light of Bodhi dawns, and we are transformed in the deepest level of our being. As the double basses finally hit their note there is a palpable sense of relief, of relaxation combined with energy.

And then suddenly the music stops - or almost. In this moment there is a sense of spiritual death. As Bodhi dawns we die to our old self, our old self-centeredness. But with spiritual death there is spiritual renewal, and even though we don't hear the striking of the bell, it is struck, and rings on after the reverberations of the strings have died away. This last bell is the opening of the door to the deathless, or perhaps more prosaically it is the opening of the imagination to the possibility of the deathless. At this point there is little more to be said, since Nirvana is ineffable. And so we return to silence, once again written into the score. But this is not the silence of the absence of sound. It is the silence that is sound, and the sound is silence.

Pärt's music is recognisably religious since so many of his works are settings of religious texts. In the case of Cantus it is not just religious, it is spiritual. Cantus bares similarities to Buddhist visualisation practices, and since it is a re-enactment of the spiritual path it could also said to be puja. Cantus is not only profoundly beautiful, it is beautifully profound. It uses very simple elements to create a rich and complex whole, and seems to entirely fulfil Sangharakshita's criteria that art should communicate a sense of values that can transform our lives. [10]

2005-11-15T18:38:00.001-08:00

"i just can't stop looking at you ... no, into you" i said
"yeah" she said

"what is this?" she said
"you got me" i said
"yeah" she said, "you got me"

i can't clearly recall a time when i felt so many complimentary and conflicting emotions all at the same time, all so intensely. she was here last night, the first time we saw each other since last week and we had everything and nothing to say to one another ... the only place to be was gazing into each other's eyes and feeling everything that we were feeling. the word transfixed comes to mind. (and yet, without the pointed weapon ... or maybe ...)

my virgo mind wrestles to figure it all out. the rest of me doesn't fucking care ... just wants to be in it. simultaneously feeling like i can be every bit me with her and noticing all the places i hold back and the patterns i follow. years upon years of essentially practicing to be me, trying to make me perfect -- it's all useless, it's all a mask. and so i deconstruct those as i notice them and share and feel so accepted.

this is all new territory. the feelings seem familiar and yet they are brand new. the desire to hold on is strong and yet both the circumstances and the idea of being one without 'attachments' call me away. back and forth, back and forth. Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down.

interesting ... i just got very self conscious about writing this in my blog. it all seems so private, so intimate. who am i writing this for? for me? for her? for you? i suppose i'd like to think that it's just a continuation of the original intention of this blog - for expression ... and i finally have something that feels worth writing about again. something important in my life outside of school and work.

hmmmm ... that makes it sound like i don't have other important things in my life. that is so not true. it seems like everything in my life is important ... my mens group, my friendships, my commitment to taking care of my physical health, my music, my photography, my massage, my community, my connection to nature ... and on and on ... but this is what is grabbing the most attention for me right now, the intensity is amazing. i could gush.

i am resigned to accepting what is. to being fully expressed. to feeling it all. and to being unapologetic.

each one of those is at once an enormous undertaking and at the same time, the most easy way of being.

and with her, in the moment, nothing matters. there is nothing else. hours pass in a blink. a single blink lasts an hour.

what i don't know is 'what's next'
what i do know is 'more'

and that makes me very happy

random thoughts to keep me writing

2005-11-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

i found out yesterday that the business proposal that my partner and i have been working on for the past 3-4 weeks was one of the top two of the class. this is a blessing and a curse. on the one hand, yea us! on the other hand, now we have to go head-to-head with the other consulting team and present our proposals to the mock executives of the company we are planning to help.

i have no issues with the presentation. i was told today by one of my professors that she is quite impressed with my presentation skills and sees me doing very well as a consultant. no, this just means that i have yet another project to work on. not a huge deal, and i'll enjoy it, for the most part. i'm just feeling a little burnt out on school work at the moment. looking forward to winter break when i can see my friends again! (I miss you!)

all in all, it feels pretty damn good to have been chosen as one of the top two. i'd rather be here than have no presentation to do because we wrote a 'bad' proposal.

***
this morning was one of the most beautiful mornings i've seen in awhile. i'm sure i've mentioned before that i love the view of bernal hill from my street. now that the rain has come again and washed the pollution out of the air, when the sun shines, all of the lines on the horizon and in between are so crisp and clear. the light this morning made everything look new. and the hill outside my window is starting to turn green again. it's interesting how winter in san francisco means 'life' in many ways.

***
hmmm ... i seem to choose to write in this blog when i am prone to being too tired to write - like now. i'm going to go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow. try and get some meditation and/or a little yoga in to start my day. it's always a good way to take care of myself. i'm feeling healthy and strong lately (in all regards) and i want to keep it that way.

oooh, that last yawn indicates a good, deep sleep coming on!!

life is good

2005-11-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

i should be doing homework ...

this past weekend has been one of the most enjoyable in recent memory. about a week ago, someone asked me what i wanted. in general. what was my fantasy? amidst an ocean of possibility, what came to mind was simple and yet so elusive. my response was "mutual desire".

this weekend, the fantasy came true. i spent time with a woman with whom i have this great desire to know. she is so complex and yet so simple. she has lived the lives of many women her age and celebrates both the seriousness of life as well as the ridiculous. and i feel very at peace when i am with her. what i found, is that she has a mutual desire to know me. it was so easy to be with her. we literally talked for 14 hours straight amidst our adventures. and it feels like just the very beginning of a long conversation.

i can't tell you how good that feels. it seems all too rare that i find that magnetic pull with someone.

my tendency in occurrences such as this, is to leap ahead into thinking about what this connection means and where it is going, etc. in this case, however, though thoughts and questions do meander in my head, the immediate path is more clear cut than other times. there are limitations as to what our friendship can become at the moment and I am fine with that. she is taking some time to be 'not in relationships' and i respect that. i've been there and know how rewarding and important that is. and i can't say that i would be jumping to rush into anything if it were possible. no, it's all about savoring connection like this.

it may last a day, it may last a week, it may last a lifetime. i have a few friends in my life that are still with me through many incarnations of our relationships. you never really know what will become of any one. as for this new connection, who knows? i am not so in need of a label for it at the moment as long as i get to enjoy it.

my life is rich in so many ways and i feel like it just got a lot richer. i guess you never know when you'll stumble across treasure.

to top all this off, i got to spend sunday playing drums for a record my friend is making.
record? do you still say that? album? cd?

if there's one thing i love, it's playing drums.
if there's one thing i love more, it's playing drums with a band.
if there's one thing i love EVEN more, it's playing MY drums when they are mic'ed in the studio.
my god they sound great.

it's a little bit of a bummer to realize how out of practice i am. my body just wouldn't always perform what the mind and soul were asking of it. good thing this project called for some relatively simple drumming!!

and in other news ... just another indication of how good life is lately ... my community gave me a new iPod a couple weeks ago for being the treasurer for the past 3 years. what a gift! it feels awesome to be recognized for that work. it tends to be one of those 'behind-the-scenes' jobs and i'm guessing people have no idea how much time goes into it .. so this gift and recognition were very touching. the iPod hasn't left my side since! my commutes are so much better now!

so, all around good news right now. which i am thankful for given that school is getting pretty hectic, it gets dark at 5pm and the rain has come back. these are all so easy to deal with when the rest of life is so rewarding.

conversations with no one

2005-10-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

Last week while I was walking to school I noticed that there were a bunch of people spread across the green canvassing for various environmental or political groups.

For all I know the work they are doing is important, and I do so dislike talking to them and saying 'no' all the time. I mean, they are soliciting students for money ... since when do students have spare income to donate to important causes? I don't even make enough to cover my rent! It just seems like their time could be more effective in different parts of the city. But what do I know - maybe they keep coming back because they are getting results.

Anyway, to deal with this situation, I started taking out my cell phone and pretending I am having a conversation so they don't try to stop me and lay on the guilt.

Lately, however, I've noticed that I carry on these fake conversations much longer than necessary. On this particular day last week, I noticed that I was still having an argument with *no one* for several minutes past the point that I was clear of all the canvassers. I think, sometimes, I am losing my mind. :)

It reminded me that I did that a lot when I was traveling alone for 6 months - have conversations with myself outloud while walking around. That, or I'd make up songs as I strolled around Paris or climbed an Alp.

I don't know what any of that has to do with anything ... I just find myself amusing sometimes and thought I would share.

giant pink bunny!

2005-09-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

i don't know about you, but i think the world has just become a much better place.

the italians knew what to do.
indeed.

they made, for the world's pleasure,
a GIANT PINK BUNNY!

see for yourself

i may just have to make a pilgrimage next year and every year thereafter.

asshole

2005-09-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

so i hear, on good authority, that i'm an asshole.
i've always wanted to be an asshole!

i wish i knew what i did to achieve such a prestigious title.
i'd probably do it more in some situations!

i found out this weekend that a certain person's parents are glad we're not seeing each other anymore because they think i was an asshole.

me?

an asshole?

now, just not liking me is one thing. hell, even considering me a low-life loser would work. but an asshole?
i'm a lot of things, but i'm not an asshole.

and because i'm not an asshole, i find the whole thing highly amusing.

the funniest part is that this person's father was unknowingly telling all this to another one of my exes. who, i am quite honored to say, stood up for me.
whoops!

the other thing i did this weekend was to go to the most fun wedding i've ever been to. it just so happened to be the wedding of my most recent ex. i had been feeling in a funk for a few days leading up to the wedding and began wondering if there were some deep emotional issues bubbling underneath the surface of my skin. there was even a moment on bart last friday where i was worried that some uncontrollable something would come out of me during the ceremony .. something really embarrassing and wrong.

no such luck.

i mean! nothing like that happened. seriously, though, i felt nothing but immense joy for the two of them. it's just so obvious they should be together. how could anyone argue with that? people kept coming up to me all during the reception saying it was 'big' of me to be there and that they were impressed. but i guess that those sentiments are assuming like there is something being hidden and/or overcome to be there .. which was not the case. i wanted to be there. i liked being there to celebrate them. there's nothing 'big' about that. and besides ... free booze!

i've decided i'm going to be jewish for my next wedding. what a party ... complete with sexual innuendo, mexican wrestling and ambulances! (this was not a sequence of events)

there's plenty of other things going on right now that i'm not going to tell you about. partially because i need to get back to work and partially because it's mine for right now.

i'm an asshole like that.

Ship's Ahoy!

2005-09-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

So there are evidently lots of boats under all the buildings in downtown SF.
According to this article, the N-Judah passes through the hull of a ship at the base of Market at Embarcadero.

A construction crew recently dug up this

Argh. Shiver me timbers!

Freaky

2005-09-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

SuperMouse!

I have an elevator

2005-08-19T18:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the opportunity to say something that I had been wanting to say for ... 2 years.

There's this woman I've worked with for the past two years that I have had a crush on since day one. It was always something that had to be kept secret because:

(a) I worked with her for one year as a colleague and for the past year, worked for her - as in, she was my boss, and,

(b) because she has been in a serious relationship and I knew that revealing my crush wouldn't change any of that - so it was better to be respectful of the work situation and keep it under wraps until a time when those constraints weren't in place anymore.

That time came last night.

It's been a couple of weeks since I left work and she and I had plans to go to dinner to catch up outside the work environment ... something we've been known to do from time to time.

I nearly chickened out.

You know how when you have a crush on someone, it's really difficult to speak coherently around them? This was my experience in many of my interactions with her - especially in our 1:1 meetings at work where I'm supposed to be generating thoughts and plans, but instead would get lost in watching her mouth form words and then have to bumble through some response to her question that I only partially heard.

It was getting about time for the check to come and there was this very distinct pause in the conversation. In those few moments, the clatter in my head erupted ... do I tell her now? am I really going to do this? what if she really doesn't want to hear it? is this really necessary?

You see, like millions of people, I suffer from "Can't Think, Pretty Girl" syndrome. The symptoms are 'saying stupid things', 'forgetting to say anything at all', 'tripping', and other character building activities.

But, I remembered some advice some guys gave me not long ago ... "you probably shouldn't drink that" ... which had nothing to do with the situation. And so in leiu of any useful information in my head, I decided to just tell her and see what happens.

In that split second, I smiled and relaxed and just told her what I had waited to say for a long, long time.

She smiled ... and giggled ... and blushed ... and got a little flustered.

It was endearing.

I tend to shy away from complimenting women I find attractive. It's this whole dumb issue I have and am trying to get over. I won't bore you with the 'why I think I developed this aversion' story. Suffice it to say that it just felt really good to compliment her and adore her with no other intention than expressing those feelings and sharing them with her.

It's also reminded me that crushes are fun. Especially when you are able to tell the other person about it. I can't say I have any shortage of crushes right now, but I think I'll go out and get some more. They are relatively easy to manage, not very time consuming, make you feel good and there's no messy break-up when you are done!

Of course, I would choose to move past the crush with this woman and into dating in a second, but since that isn't possible, I'll just stick with the crush.

I do have to say, though, the word crush is an odd word to associate with those feelings. I don't feel crushed at all. It's more like being elevated. But you can't say, "I have an elevator on you". That just sounds weird.

The dragonfly

2005-08-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

This past week was spent hanging out at Bruinslair. God I love that place. The mornings were spent helping Bill and Pat build a new wing of the outdoor kitchen. I sometimes forget how much I love manual labor (of the construction variety) - especially when it is outdoors.

The afternoons were spent reading, sitting on the new tree deck in meditation or daydreaming, swimming, hiking, picking blackberries and napping. The evenings consisted of saunas, night swims, campfires and just sitting outside under a big, clear sky watching the moon rise and travel across the night sky.

There are, of course, many many bugs in the outdoors. Many of which I actually like. The dragonfly's are out of control right now - they are everywhere and I could watch them for hours as I lay on my back on a floating recliner in the pond.

One day, when I was working on stripping the bark off some logs, I pulled my car up to have some music while I worked. Not long after hitting 'play' on a Medeski, Martin and Wood CD, this huge dragonfly came flying up to my car. It hung out in the window for a little while and then started flying around my car, stopping to hover in different windows. At first I thought it was just a coincidence. But, the dragonfly just stayed there, not leaving the car. I decided to see what would happen if I turned the music off ... after a minute or so, he (she?) flew away. When I started the music up again, he flew back and stayed until I finally parked my car again and turned off the music.

Who knew? Some Dragonfly's like jazz.

Hmh.

This weekend I am going to make Blackberry pie. Yes, you heard me: muther-fuckin' BLACK BERRY PIE! Whoh-Nelly! Am I going to be in pie-heaven. I brought back two huge containers of hand-picked blackberries from the 'lair. And the blackberry season has barely started. It might almost be worth driving up there again in two weeks just to get some more. Of course, picking blackberries is a very dangerous activity and I have the thorn holes and scrapes to prove it. Still ... a little pain for some home-made blackberry pie is worth it. Maybe I'll make the second one with peaches and blackberries!

Pie anyone?

So long WFN

2005-07-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day at the Women's Funding Network. I've been here two and a half years and I'm both glad to be leaving and a little sad too. I realized today how great the people I work with are - innovative, creative, intellegent, dedicated, fun, young-at-heart. This is not to say that I haven't been so frustrated at times that I nearly walked out and never came back … but as I said in my farewell email … understanding the scope of what this organization has done for women and girls' philanthropy has made it all worth it. The work that is done here is truly remarkable.

My co-workers (14 women) often wonder how I have made it for so long as the only guy. I never really thought about it all that much. The only side affect that I can see is getting lured into conversations about Hollywood gossip. I don't really care if Brad had an affair with Angelina. All I care about is if I lost my chance with Angelina!

So will I miss it? Yes and No. I look forward to a new job with new challenges. I was feeling pretty stagnant here. There were some projects I loved working on and some that were difficult to put all of my ability into. I do feel, however, that I gave more than what was asked of me on a regular enough basis to compensate for those days where it was difficult to care.

I will miss the people here. It has become a fun place to work lately with laughter, open conversations and practical jokes and I will miss all of that. I think it's probably rare to find a place where you feel happy going to sit and talk with just about anyone in the office.

since people have been bugging me about writing ...

2005-07-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last five days up in Willits, California with my community. We have an annual 2-day celebration there and it has come to be one of my favorite events of the year. This year was terribly hot and buggy, but the friends, music, food and lounging made up for the uncomfortable conditions. Of course, the high temperatures led to very warm nights, so I can't complain there.

Aside from the many funny things that happened that would be pointless to write about here b/c they all seem to be one of those "you had to be there" moments, I had a great weekend. I tend to have a difficult time at large events as I struggle with the ability to stay focused on any one thing when there is so much to do and so many people to connect with - it generally results in me not connecting with anyone and feeling like I don't know where to be. And then this brings up a smattering of insecurities as I watch others connect and then I feel out of place. These feelings certainly came up a bunch this weekend, but I also became aware of how I close myself off from others when in large groups.

On Saturday night, I was having a conversation with a couple guys and I could literally feel these walls I had up around them ... how I was there talking with them, but not giving much of myself. It's interesting to me how I can be very open and reveal information about myself that would not be considered "surface" stuff, and at the same time be very closed. So much of this same thing came up in my Arete workshop last year - my pattern of social caution.

The re-revelation on Saturday night caused me to drop an octave on Sunday. I felt more relaxed, more open, more ready to connect with people. This was probably partly due to exhaustion - I tend to be more open when I don't have the energy to put up walls, but it was also because I was able to recognize what I had been doing and to make a conscious choice not to engage in that behavior.

In other news: I got a job offer for my internship yesterday at 3D-Group in Berkeley. I think it will be a good position and it's certainly nice to not have to worry about finding an internship anymore. I'll be working mostly on 360-degree evaluations and training assessments. The firm also does some executive coaching, so I'm glad to be working somewhere where I can have some exposure to that field. I'm not thrilled about having my first commute-across-the-bridge job, but it could be worse.

I am still "without thesis" and am leaning heavily towards taking the comprehensive exam option that my program offers. It's about the same amount of work as the thesis, but (a) I'd actually graduate on time (which is rare if you do a thesis) and (b) I'd have a much wider scope of knowledge when I was done. Since I have already done most of the thesis process and I don't have any good ideas at the moment for a new project, the exam is looking pretty good (as good as an 8 hour exam can look!) ugh.

To help prepare myself for this next year, I'm going on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat in the beginning of August. It's going to be so very hard and yet very rewarding (i hope). I've never meditated for more than an hour or so and have only meditated a few handfuls of times in my life ... so it's kinda like sink or swim. It just kinda fits in with the challenges I tend to face myself with every couple of years (6 month solo travels, running marathons, etc.) I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it when I return ... or possibly not.

'til next time ...

Black & White

2005-06-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

What do the Violent Femmes, the Village People and Minne Driver all have in common?

They were all performing at last night's Black and White Ball in San Francisco. Before last night, I was a B&W virgin and now I feel like I am a real man. I didn't intend to go, but a great friend with good connections said, "Hey, I can get you a free ticket ... do you want to go?" How can you say no?

It all began innocently enough. We met in the press room at the Symphony to begin drinking and gathering. At 9pm we went out into the Civic Center which was blocked off to non-ticket holders and immersed ourselves in the swarms of people dressed to kill. Though the theme was "black and white" - anything goes - the majority of people were dressed in expensive formal-wear (tuxes and suits, dresses and gowns) and came off as if the $200 or so cost of the ticket was insignificant pocket change. Of course, there were also the younger, hipper crowd in more daring and stylish apparel, including my posse all mixed in.

With an abundance of free drinks, food and Krispy Kreme donuts, most of the night is somewhat of a blur. The Violent Femmes were definitely a high point of the evening - still able to rock regardless of receding hairlines and formal-wear. We became "those people" for awhile and pushed our way to the front row, stepping on toes, nudging and prodding so we could get the best view - but this is all acceptable when led by a few beautiful women. It's quite a scene to see hordes of people of all ages dressed in tuxes pseudo-moshing. It was well worth my price of admission.

Later we found the Charlie Hunter Trio in the Asian Art Museum and munched on some Sushi and drank Saketinis (a sake version of a Martini). That was followed by the latter part of the Village People act - all culminating in a drunken rendition of YMCA. Watching these guys on stage made me wonder how on earth they ever got gigs outside of gay-friendly towns. I had no idea as a kid that they were anything but a bunch of guys who dressed up in all the costumes of the people I wanted to be when I grew up ... a cop, a construction worker, a biker ... an indian? But now that I am older, it is clear they are the poster boys of gay pride. I wonder who are tops and who are bottoms?

What made the night for me, however, was a woman I'll call 'C'. She was a friend of a friend with whom I totally hit it off. We flirted shamelessly all night and made each other laugh non-stop. The kicker is ... she's in a relationship. Of course, I didn't find this out until halfway through the night after others were saying how good we looked together. Nevertheless, that information didn't sour the evening and certainly didn't end the flirting. In fact, I think flirting becomes a little more fun when you know the parameters of what is possible. And it's new for me to be able to be expressive about how much I like a woman without feeling guilty about it or like it's wrong to feel that way. I'll admit, though, that it would be better if she wasn't in a relationship - better for me at least! She did say if I was able to get her 2 hats that said 'security', she would seriously consider dumping her boyfriend. Alas ... I only found one.

At the end of the ball we went to some other party in the Mission that one of the group had been invited to. A totally different crowd playing a mix of 80's pop to AC/DC, Guns-n-Roses and everything in between. We met the San Francisco clone of Jack Black who managed to pick up every woman in the room (literally) and spin her about and toss her around. Some loved it, some didn't ... but it was awesomely funny nonetheless ... walking that fine line between outrageous and dangerous.

At around 3:30 it was time to call it quits and go home. I woke up this morning totally appreciating my friends, this city and the freedom Summer brings.

i am, therefore i blog

2005-06-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

now that school is over and i've had a week or so to recuperate, i believe i may get back on the blogwagon. hell, i may even have interesting things to write about once and awhile!

i just got back from 4 days in the woods. i went up to bruinslair (160 acres of land owned by a friend's uncle that i have been enjoying and helping develop for the past five years) for their new membership orientation weekend. this year bruinslair became an environmental education non-profit called the Oregon Creek Advocacy. over the next 10 years, this environmentally caring group of people are going to cause some major changes to how things are run in this part of the Sierras. it's very exciting and i'm really proud of all the work everyone has put into making this happen. check it out if you ever get the chance.

one of the major initiatives will be to stop the inhumane bear hunting that goes on. if you can call it bear hunting. for three months out of the year, truckloads of beer-swilling hillbillies sit in their trucks while their dogs, equipped with radio collars, run through the forest tracking down bears and chasing them up trees. when the dogs start barking, the "hunters" follow the radio signal until they find the bear trapped in the tree and shoot it down. what fun! what adventure! what a bunch of lazy, cowardly pud-wankers.

in other news, i slept better than i have in weeks and somehow managed to sleep past 6:30am three days in a row! the weekend was filled with the perfect amount of resting, hiking, working and catching up with old and new friends. oh, and bacon. plenty of bacon. mmmmmmmmm.

it's going to be a busy summer. on top of having to choose and research a new thesis topic, i will be away most weekends through the end of July for various events, camping trips, workshops, etc. it's so nice to have a break from classes and regular homework for awhile.

i am proud to share that all of my hard work this year paid off. much to my surprise, i maintained my 4.0 average this semester. i thought for sure i was going to get a "B" in one or two of my classes, but somehow i pulled off all "A"s. it feels good to have something to show for all the time i put in. not that grades really matter in grad school, but they matter to me. i was a decent student in undergrad, so i really wanted to prove to myself that i could pull off a 4.0 average if i put my mind to it.

now i just have to figure out if i really want to do the work that this degree will prepare me for. but that's for another day.

right now, i'm going back to dreaming about bacon ... i wonder if bacon pie would be hard to make ....

the force

2005-05-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

So, in true procrastinating style, I surfed around last night and ended up at one of my old favorite websites: How Stuff Works.

In honor of the upcoming Star Wars release, they did us the favor of telling us all about how Lightsabers work, including alternative uses such as: heating up your coffee, slicing bagels and hedge trimming!

But don't take my word for it, check it out!

not without rewards

2005-05-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go?

It's been a turvy couple of weeks with some good and more not so good. I struggle to keep my head up sometimes and this past week has been a major challenge of my resolve and focus.

Probably the thing I am having the hardest time with is this pain that developed in my right arm on Saturday night, seemingly out of the blue (but probably associated with a workout session at the gym several days earlier). For the past several days, I haven't been able to straighten my arm without a sharp, burning pain that starts at my wrist and zips up the inner length of my forearm. Fortunately, it only happens when I straighten my arm, but the pain isn't the issue. Pain I can deal with. Not knowing exactly what is going on or why part of my arm is numb is what is tampering with my well-being.

Parts of the day, I am fine and convinced that it will go away in a week or so. Part of the day I am convinced that somehow I have permanently damaged my nerve and will loose normal arm functioning over time. It really sucks being a hypochondraic. And it's such a struggle to stay positive about the unknown. I've been to see my chiropractor twice (who helps with my RSI) and he seems to think that it will be fine, yet I still struggle with not knowing exactly how to take care of it for optimal healing.

Anyway ... all that, added to the unusual amount of end-of-the-semester stress and WAY too much to do has left me in quite a funk. Being in a funk does not help one stay focused and get one's shit done.

Today is about that. (Besides this brief break in work). Trying to get focused, think positive about my recovery and get things done well and on time.

What I find interesting is the things I think of to motivate me out of depression - the people who inspire me, the people in far worse conditions than I, the relative unimportance of everything that I have to get done.

It's about stepping outside myself and getting out of the entrapment of my mind ... seeing the big picture and what really matters.

I took last night off. Probably the second time I haven't done any school work all semester. It felt good.

Just so this isn't all depressing, I should talk about the good things that have been happening lately. Recently, I got in touch with a bunch of friends from highschool. Really, this was *the* posse of friends from highschool. There were about 7-10 of us who all spent a lot of time together at the end of school and over the summers. These are the people who corrupted me, taught me how to see life in a different way. These were the people I made music with (and I can't tell you how much I miss those days!). Many of them I have not had contact with for over 8-9 years. Some have been more recent, but it's still been awhile. It's awesome to hear what everyone is up to and reengage. I'm trying to set up a reunion for a year from now or so. Sure, it would be all sappy and nostalgic like one of those stupid reunion movies and we'd spend half the time saying, "Oh my god, do you remember when ..." and "I can't believe how much you've changed" and "I think we need a new caaaaan".

So life is feeling pretty challenging at the moment, but it is not without it's rewards. I will certainly appreciate being on the other side of all this work and fear, waiting for whatever comes next.

Tools

2005-04-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I was standing at the end of the X-ray machine at LAX with my pants falling down waiting to retrieve my shoes and belt, the airport security guy asked if he could inspect my bag. "Of course," I say.

"What's this?"

"That's a drum key"

"What's it do?"

"It's a tool for tightening drum heads"

"And I know this is an allen wrench"

"Yup"

"You can't bring that on the plane"

"Why?"

"Because there are no tools allowed on the plane"

"Can I bring the drum key?"

"Yes"

"Well, that's a tool ... what's the difference?"

(pause)

"Sir, you can't bring the allen wrench on the plane. Would you like to check it?"

"That's ridiculous"

"If you'd like to check your bag, you can keep the tool"

"I don't want to check my bag"

"Well, if you want to keep the tool, you have to check your bag"

"That tool was in my bag when I flew down here"

"Well, they must have missed it"

"... whatever ... Have you ever flown on a plane?"

"Yes, why?"

"How is that possible?"

"Sir?"

"Well, because you're a tool"

...

Actually, what I said was, "Nothing, keep the tool," but they got the picture.

Airport security has become ludicrous. I can show you 10 ways a ball point pen is more dangerous than an Allen wrench. And did you know that you can bring ammunition on the plane in your bag, but not a brand new zippo lighter that has never been filled with lighter fluid? Surely, there's a better way we can be spending our money than to make sure allen wrenches don't make it onto our airlines. I give up.

Might I also suggest not timing your return to the Oakland Airport Bart station right when several thousand Oakland A's fans are getting out of the colliseum.

Do I sound bitter?

No, just tired. I actually had a great time at the SIOP Conference, but I'll have to write about that later. It was nice to be immersed in my field for a few days and still have time to hang out with friends. I'll update you soon on what I've been learning about my career path and all the other fun things I did in LA. Now I have to get back to the reality known as homework ... which isn't so bad seen from the perspective of where it will take me.

drumroll please ....

2005-03-25T19:14:00.000-08:00

What's this? Blogging on a Friday night? I must be grad student.

I'm thinking about posting this in the local paper:
Lost: One social life. Last seen in the SF Bay area cavorting around with friends ... laughing, drinking, getting involved in three too many things at once. Generally well liked and well mannered. Answers to the name "hotstuff". If found, please cuddle and tell him it'll all be okay one of these days. Return to me by June 2006.

I've been all out of sorts lately with this mysterious cold. It was symptomless for the first 4 days - I only felt this eerie fatigue and spacy-ness. The last two days my energy has returned some, but I have this faint sore throat. It's like I have a ghost of a cold. I really hope it goes away soon. Anyone know an exorcist? Does Nyquil make a rememedy for curing the undead?

I haven't been writing in here much mostly because I don't have much to say ... unless you want to hear about goal setting, goal commitment, self regulation of goal setting, the benefits of writing or motivation (among other things). It seems to be one of those things that is interesting to many, but not really a hot conversation piece.

Oh ... I can tell you that I'm in love. She's beautiful. A black goddess. Yes, that's right ... I received my new Nikon D70 DSLR last week. I love love love this camera. I must thank the US government for somehow giving me 4 times the tax return I expected and, of course, if you receive money that you didn't know you were getting you have to spend it, right? Right!

I'm still trying to sell my bitchin' Nikon FM2 35mm camera to help defray the costs - so if you know anyone who's in the market, send them my way. I just can't justify owning 3 cameras, so one has got to go. But not my D70 ... no ... she's my precioussssssssss. Yes, precioussssssssss.

Is such a great love for an inanimate object wrong? I think not.

So that's it. That is all I have to say tonight. Rather boring I suppose. I was hoping my 100th blog post would be more ... well ... monumental. But no. No major milestones here. Perhaps I'll celebrate my 101st blog post instead! Yeah! I'll even take pictures with my new camera and post them. Pictures of ... pictures of ... my homework!

Sigh.

Changes

2005-03-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling the need for some change in my life. Over the past week or so, I've really been digging deep into some areas of my life that just aren't working for me.

I've been feeling very negative, closed, impatient, and uptight. I've gotten feedback that this is also how I am being received by some people. It hurts. It hurts to think that people experience me as being judgemental and difficult to approach. It frustrates me to see how, when I am trying to get something done, I completely ignore the people I interact with in order to accomplish my task. It's even a fallacy to say "interact" because that's not what I am doing.

It's been a hard week ... looking at this stuff and not really knowing what to do about it and fearing that I won't be able to lighten up and open up. I know in my heart that that is not true, but, well, you think these things anyway, don't you?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm tired of people saying that they don't really feel me and that they sometimes feel uncomfortable around me. That all changes when I let people in, but for some reason that seems to be a challenge.

I'm sure this is all sounding a little blown out of proportion and I don't intend it to be. I know that this is definitely an aspect of how people sometimes experience me, but not all always and it's not the only way. It's just what's up for me right now.

Maybe the intensity with which I feel it is a bi-product of being so isolated while in school and so task and goal-oriented all the time with homework deadlines on a daily basis. Who knows. It's certainly nothing new ... it's just time to pay attention to it.

So ... I'm curious ... how do you experience me? Feel free to be honest, I want nothing less Write a comment, or send me an email if you prefer. Reflection is good.

random notes

2005-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

We have a cat in our house now - her name is Newt and she belongs to Robin. Newt is a good cat all around, though she has her moments.

I only bring it up because I've noticed something funny about her which is true for other cats I've lived with. If you pick her up when she is good and/or wants attention, she'll just walk off when you put her down ... or linger for more attention.

If you pick her up with the same gentleness, yet when she has done something wrong, when you put her down she stops to lick her body as if to say, "how dare you touch me, heathen, your vile touch has soiled me"!

cats.

and why is it that all they want to do is go exactly where you don't want them to and mess with the only thing that is fragile?

this is why i like dogs. dogs are not pretentious .... dumb, maybe, but not pretentious.

***
On another note, class was cancelled today and tomorrow because our professor's wife went into premature labor. Everyone is doing fine.

He just sent us pictures of the baby. That's just cool. I don't think I've ever had a teacher who was like, "I just wanted everyone to see my new baby - here are some photos post-birth".

That's the difference between grad school and all other school. Your teachers are your friends and colleagues. I like it.

holding back

2005-02-27T00:40:00.000-08:00

i've been told again and again over the past several years that people experience me as if I am holding back. like there is something that they can feel within me that I am not sharing.

i'll admit that i am certainly reserved in some ways, mostly out of a sense of caution i tend to manage my life with. the 'holding back' piece is hard for me to grasp, however.

it's both honoring and disheartening to hear this type of feedback because it speaks to something that is unknown to me. i am not conscious of holding back in the way people express that i am, so i'm not sure what is left to give. and yet, it feels great to have people reflect that they feel a depth in me that is somewhat unknown and mysterious to them. i used to doubt people when they said this about me and now i have to trust that people genuinely experience something held back when they spend time with me.

i don't know what it is. zen says it's my passion that is undisclosed. i can see that. i can see that i spend more time living a practical life than one with abandon and passion. not that those concepts are mutually exclusive, but in my literal and linear mind, they are separate.

for me, it's hard work to get out of my head. it's how i want to live more of my life - balanced between my mind and my body. and yet, though i see immense value in living this way, i resist more meditative time, the practice of slowing down and not living moment to moment in such a goal-oriented manner (interesting that my master's thesis is focusing on the benefits of goal setting).

i believe a lot of what i have yet , to offer is my confidence. my excuse is that being around such an amazing group of intelligent and wise people, i believe everything i have to offer is old news, sophmoric and uninteresting. i've recently been told that this is not true, but i have the hardest time seeing it any other way. the things i know seem so simple that everyone should already know them.

i've always felt like i was latent. i'm 32 years old and yet i feel 26. i have always felt like i catch on to things later than others my age and it has taken me longer to build the age-appropriate confidence. i think my holding back is a symptom of my need to feel like i really know something well before offering myself. (of course, there are exceptions to that rule, but much of the time it is true).

and yet, at the same time, i feel like i sometimes have a wisdom beyond my years.

it all goes to show that the way i see myself and the way i think others see me are often two very different things.

checking in before bed

2005-02-21T23:22:00.000-08:00

Hmmm ... not many blog posts lately ... I must not be procrastinating enough.

Yes, 'tis true, I've been quite busy with school this semester and it doesn't look like things are going to cool down anytime soon. I don't mind the work all that much, and I'm still taking time out to see friends, so I think I'll make it through the semester in one piece ... or at least I should be easy to glue back together!

This is just a brief note to let friends know that I just updated my photo site with pictures from Costa Rica. If you know me, you know where to find the photos. Enjoy!

Stress

2005-02-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

At the end of last semester, one of our professors said, "By the end of spring semester, you'll need to decide what your thesis is going to be". What she didn't say is that, basically, we need to know what our research question will be by the 3rd week of the semester.

I feel so unprepared to figure out what I want to spend the next year and a half researching - especially since most of the topic I am interested in just aren't feasible to take on for a Master's Thesis.

My interests are in team work (many aspects), leadership development, change management and organizational citizenship behavior. Most of the research topics I have thought of require access to populations that may be hard to gain access to and projects that require some element of a longitudinal study (i.e. certain communication styles in virtual teams and their effect on team performance).

Needless to say, the lack of a thesis idea at this time is causing me great stress. I keep reminding myself that it's only a thesis project and it's not that big a deal ... but then I remember that this is something I am going to be sick of by the time I am done, so I'd better love it now. And that it's probably better to choose a topic that I want some expertise in so that when I have finished my degree, I have some marketable skill and knowledge above and beyond the coursework I will have completed.

Obviously research should also extend our knowledge of some topic and be of some benefit to the public.

What's most interesting (to me) is to watch myself through this process ... to notice the times when I just completely shut down vs. the times that I gather my will and charge of in another direction to explore possibilities.

Today, I am in the middle. Obviously, the fact that I am blogging right now shows some form of avoidance and lack of effort. I don't always do so well with the big unknown.

Here's the latest thesis idea: tell me what you think.

I've always been fascinated with how we behave at work. For many of us, the way we express ourselves at work is quite different than how we express ourselves outside of work (especially those who work in the corporate environment). One possible research question is to discover if there is a correlation between an individual's percieved level of freedom of expression and their job satisfaction. In other words, if you feel completely free to express yourself at work are you more/less satisfied with your job than someone who feels restricted in their expression?

That ... or the effects of mass quantities of fried foods and chocolate on my gut.

If the president were a gangsta

2005-02-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

Reprinted , without permission, but for your pleasure ... a portion of the president's State of the Union address from Jan. 28th translated by 'Gizoogle' :

President Deliva "State of tha Union"
The U.S. Capitol

9:01 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT fo yo bitch ass: Mr. Pushas Vice President Cheney, memba of Congress, distinguished citizens n fellow citizens: Every year, by law n by custom, we meet hizzle ta killa tha state of tha union droppin hits. This year, we pimp in this chamba deeply aware of decisive days tizzle lie aheezee.

You n I serve our country in a tizzy of bootylicious consequence. Dur'n this session of Congress, we have tha duty ta reform domestic programs vital ta our country; we have tha opportunity ta save millions of lives abroad fizzy a terrible diseaze. We wiznill wizzork fo' a prosperity that is broadly shared, n we wiznill answa every danga n every enemy that threatens tha American people . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. (Applause.)

In all these days of promise n days of spendin' we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change n hope n peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, n our union is strong cuz its a pimp thang. (Applause.)

This country has many challenges. We wizzay not deny, we wizzay not ignore, we will not pass along our problems ta otha Congresses, ta otha presidents, n pimp generizzles fo shizzle. (Applause.) We wizzle confront thizzay wit focus n clarity n courage . Real niggas recognize the realness..

Dur'n tha last two years, we have seen wizzy can be accomplished whizzen we wizzay nigga . Nigga get shut up or get wet up. To lift tha standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform -- whiznich miznust now be carried out in every schoo' n in every classroom, so that every child in America can read n learn n succeed in life. (Applause.) To protect our country, we reorganized our government n created tha Department of Homeland Securizzles which is mobiliz'n against tha threats of a new era ridin' in mah double R. To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered tha largest tax relief in a generizzles. (Applause.) To insist on integrity in American business we passed tough reforms, n we is hold'n corporate criminals ta account. (Applause.)

Some miznight cizzall this a good record; I cizzall it a good start. Tonight I ask tha Hizouse n Senate ta join me in tha next bold steps ta serve our fellow citizens puttin tha smack down.

Our F-to-tha-izzirst goal is clear so bow down to the bow wow: We must have an economy thizzat grows fizzle enough ta employ every dawg n woman who seeks a job. (Applause.) Brotha recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals n stiznock market declines, our economy is recover'n -- yet it's not sippin' fizzay enough, or strongly enough. Wit unemployment blingin' our nation needs mizzy small businizzles ta open, mizzy companies ta invest n expand, more employa ta put up tha sign tizzy says, "Help Wanted." (Applause.)

Jobs is created wizzle tha economy grows; tha economy grows when Americans hizzle more money ta spend n invest; n tha best n fairest way ta makes sure Americans hizzy tizzle money is not ta tax it away in tha fizzay place . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)

I am propos'n tizzy all tha income tax reductions set fo' 2004 n 2006 be made permanent n effective this year. (Applause.) And shot calla mah pliznan, as soon as I sign tha B-to-tha-izzill, this extra money wizzill stiznart dippin' up in worka' paychecks . Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Instead of gradually reduc'n tha marriage penalty, we should do it now . Holla!. (Applause.) Instead of slowly rais'n tha child credit ta $1,000, we should send tha checks ta American families now . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)

# 93

2005-02-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

I started working out today. The beginning of a year-long commitment to go to the gym 3-days a week to build muscle, get in better shape and sweat like a smelly farm animal in front of strangers in spandex.

No, I wouldn’t be caught dead in spandex.

After a morning of bench presses, curls, flys and the like, I anticipated that tomorrow might be a sore day for my upper body.

What I didn’t expect was not being able to dry my head after my shower. Somehow my arms … just … wouldn’t … lift … above … my head.

They didn’t hurt.
They were fine a minute ago.

Good lord! I think some bizarre combination of working out and hot water shrunk my biceps!

Maybe I created so much muscle in one workout that I am not yet strong enough to use it! That must be it!

(This does not bode well for future workouts.)

In a year from now, I’ll be, like, all buff-n-shit, but I won’t be able to stand up or feed myself.
I’ll be the best in-shape invalid that ever didn’t walk the earth!

Well, everybody needs to make a name for themselves somehow.
I guess this is my destiny.

in briefs

2005-02-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

The fruit of my loom, my family jewels, if you will, are now gently tucked away in $20 underwear.

When did a single f*in pair of mens underwear become $20? Really now. Is that necessary?

I went to Macy's after school today to look for a few articles of clothing for the gym. My friend J and I are starting a 3-day/week workout regimen and I figured maybe it would be nice to (a) not look like a grub, and (b) have some support for the team.

When I first got to the store I asked a clerk if they carried any men's athletic wear. The woman said, "Well, we have some Nike and Adidas over there, but I don't think it's for athletics". I told her that I was looking for something to wear to the gym and she repeated, "Well, we carry Nike and Adidas, but I don't think it's for the gym or for sports or anything".

When I got to the Nike and Adidas section, it was all running clothes and basketball jerseys, etc. Apparantly you don't actually wear this stuff to be athletic anymore. On the contrary, people don't even want their athletic wear to get dirty. It's really all about fashion.

*@#(*^$@^!*(&^#$@($! Excuse me, but isn't athletic wear for athletes!? Aren't you supposed to get a little sweaty while wearing athletic wear? ISN'T IT DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY SPORTS OR USE THE GYM!?

I am very depressed.

Anyway, after realizing that they only make athletic wear for fashion and that it only comes in sizes XL, XXL, and XXXL anyway, I decided I would just buy some socks and underwear. I had some money leftover on a gift card that I got for Christmas which is why I decided to go to Macy's in the first place.

So, when I get to the underwear section, my choices are Polo Ralph Lauren, 2Xist, Tommy Hilfigur, Puma, etc. and a single pair of boxer briefs cost between $18-$26. For fucks sake!

I had $18 left on the gift card. So, I went to Macy's and all I got was this lousy pair of underwear.

I've decided for $18 they are good enough to wear without pants.
Tomorrow, I am only wearing my brand new underwear

mountain high

2005-02-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

Holy mary mother of high! I guess I haven't had caffeine in awhile, but I was craving a Mountain Dew this afternoon at school, so I had one.

I didn't think much about it until about 15 minutes after I began sipping away at that sweet nectar of the gods, when everything, and I mean everything, just became utterly euphoric. We're talking high as a kite, my friends ... angels singing to me from the clouds, birds speaking to me in a private language of love, people walking down the hall became my best friends ...

What the hell do they put in that stuff? Is it crack? No, I think it's probably better than crack. And it's legal! For only 75 cents you can have your own can of mountainous glory, a little bit of dewey heaven. True love in a little green can.

What's frightening is that, back in Boston, I used to drink 24-48 ounces of this stuff a day. EVERY DAY. And I don't recall ever feeling like I did today. Which leads me to think that the calm, subdued personality that everyone says I embody is really just part of a 12-year sugar crash from drinking so much Mountain Dew in the past. One of these days, I'll finally come out of it and be back to my pre-San Francisco energetic self.

But until then, I will savor my not-too-frequent adventures into caffeineland where the colors are brighter, the people are happier and I can jump buildings in a single bound!

customer disservice

2005-02-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Is it me, or has customer service gotten worse at just about every company out there?

I could strangle about 50 people right now for wasting my time dealing with shit they screwed up. Since I returned from my trip I've had problems with SFSU, Amazon, Verizon Rebates, Speakeasy, the DPT (well, they have always been a pain in the ass), and my worker's comp insurance company. And though I can write emails and letters and make phone calls ... there is little I can do to avoid the incompetency other than choose not to use their service (which is just not possible in most of those cases).

So what is one to do? Go postal? Sit back and take it like a chump? Breathe in, breathe out? Start ninja training?

Most of these places you can't get someone on the phone to save your life. If you do, it's after waiting for 40 minutes on the phone just to be told to send an email to their customer service.

It really seems like this has all gotten worse lately. Most of the organizations I listed above do not outsource their CS to other countries, so I don't think it's a matter of globalization of industry .. or maybe it is a side effect of that trend since more people are being asked to do more work with less resources in order to compete with companies who have outsourced their labor.

I don't know what it is, but it sure makes those places with good customer service stand out like angels.

If there is one benefit from all this hassle, it's that it has re-awakened my drive to only buy products from companies I want to support and from companies who actually value their customers. I know there are many of these organizations out there and they are going to get as much of my business as possible. I'll take courtesy over convenience most days.

Must ... wear ... pants ...

2005-01-30T22:14:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm home. It's cold here. I have to wear pants ... that sucks. But I had my first hot shower in 2 weeks, so that's kinda nice.

The time accordian is playing her tricks on me again. When in Costa Rica, it felt like I had been there forever and a day. Now that I am home, it feels like I never left (except for the 450 emails in my inbox and the stack of bills to pay!). I'm not quite sure why that happens, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the familiarity of home.

It's good to be back, though I am feeling a tiny bit of culture shock. I mean I just went from a world where I had no idea what day or time it was to a home with multiple responsibilities and deadlines; from wearing board shorts and sandals to coats and winter hats; from knowing nothing about world events to being innundated with the American Fear Obsession ... it's a bit much. I liked moving at a slower pace.

The great thing about this vacation (besides the relaxing) is that I feel more open than I did when I left. I feel like I have a larger capacity to deal with people and different situations. I think it comes from being in a place where meeting new people is the norm and it's so easy to accept new people in to your life. I also embraced the culture which is very much about taking your time and not worrying too much about anything. I can feel the difference here in the air. The city, though full of amazing and creative people, has a tension about it which I know will envelop me if I do not remain aware and conscious of maintaining the pace I want for my life.

I'm definitely also feeling a bit anti-social and tired. I'm not entirely sure why that is yet, but I feel like nesting a bit and hiding out. It kind of feels like I've been a different person for the past couple weeks and have to get used to my old skin again. This probably isn't making much sense because I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out of sorts. Suffice it to say, it's taking a little bit of transition to be home which surprises me because I wasn't gone very long.

I am looking forward to beginning a new exercise regiment next week. My friend J and I are going to start going to the gym 3 days a week and, though there will be days when I hate getting out of bed to do it, I know I am going to love how it makes me feel and the results on my health and physical strength.

My bed is actually calling out to me right now ... "J a s o n .... J a s o n ...." and you don't know how impossible it is to ignore that bed. She actually lured me into a 2 hour nap in the sun this afternoon. I was powerless against her mysterious ways. And now I shall heed her call ... because bed is one of those few places back home where I don't have to wear pants!

Last night in Paradise

2005-01-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

Well, here we have it .. the last night in Costa Rica. I am sitting in a hostel in San Jose preparing to go to bed as I have to get up at 4am to go to the airport.

As I said previously, I lost a lot of my writing of my adventures along the way due to technical difficulties, but I am going to try to recap some of it now. Easier said than done ...

Santa Theresa:
On one of those days following the celebration of Joyce's last night, I decided to spend the day in Mal Pais and Santa Theresa where the beaches are pillow-soft and stretch on for as far as the eye can see. It is also one of the surfing hotspots in Costa Rica so most all of the men were bronze, broad-shouldered and chiseled and most of the women were bikini-perfect. You know, those 20 somethings that make you both envious and pissed off at how perfect they look. It was like walking onto a beach paradise photo magazine shoot or something.

Santa Theresa is where I realized I was truly relaxing as I managed to pass 8 hours doing absolutely nothing and not even noticing how much time had passed. When at home, I don't think I can go 20 minutes without feeling like I should be doing something!

The last days of Montezuma:
I returned to the waterfalls with my SF roommate Jennifer and her boyfriend Walter. This time, I climbed up to the upper falls where locals and traveler's alike can jump 30 feet into a deep, cool pool of water. I didn't do any jumping because me and swimming aren't the best of friends, but I watched many people do it and it looked fun in that "this is really dangereous and stupid" kind of way. The hike alone was pretty treacherous, but I am living to tell about it. Nuff said.

That night, I hung out with Jennifer, Walter and this girl Camille (from LA) at her bungalow. We spent the night talking, drawing and drinking lots and lots of rum. I met Camille at the pool that afternoon and she invited us up to her cush pad for the evening. It was lots of fun to hang out on the porch in hammocks and rocking chairs drawing with one another and getting away from the weekend madness of Montezuma. Oh, and did I mention we were drinking rum? Yum!

Of course, drinking rum until 3am and then getting up at 5am the next morning to take a very very bumpy boat ride across the sea is not such a great idea. Though I wasn't hung over, I think I was still a bit drunk which made the hour+ ride all the more adventurous. I can't say I enjoyed the back-crunching, bone-drenching ride across the Pacific, but it cut 5 hours out of my travel time which was worth it.

On the ride, I met an Isreali named Limor and a Canadian named Michael (who I had been on the bus with to Montezuma). We spent the rest of the day traveling together - which basically meant sitting on the side of the highway for 2 hours in the blistering heat waiting for the bus south to Quepos. We met many locals along the way, including Carla - a stunning 20 year old who was born and raised in this part of Costa Rica and hasn't ever been outside a 100 mile radius of home. She told me all about the dos and don'ts of the town and where to go for ladies night on Tuesday. I had to remind her I wasn't a lady, but then my Spanish is so-so, so I'm not sure what we were really talking about anyway.

Manuel Antonio:
(Okay, so recapping past days of my trip is actually not very fun nor easy to write about, so I'll spare you and cut to the highlights)

Sloths! Okay, I want to come back in another life as a sloth or at least have one as a pet. They're all zen-ninja-yoga-masters and totally cute ta boot. I was hoping to see a sloth stampede, but I suppose that will just have to happen next time.

Beaches! The beaches at the Manuel Antonio nature preserve are, like, the most scenic beaches I have ever been to. Totally lush and jungly and the water is like room temperature. Ahhhh.

Animals! I was going to write about all the stupid people in the park, but we all know about how stupid people are. Instead, I'll tell you that monkeys are cool! And so are iguanas and toucans and crazy big spiders and coatis and agoutis and ... sloths!

Basically, the last three days of my trip were spent on the beach and walking around the jungle. Due to a bus snafu, I wasn't able to visit one of the volcanos in Costa Rica, but that's how it goes. I wouldn't recommend the town of Manuel Antonio to anyone becuase it's basically a tourist trap-craphole of a town, but once inside the park, it's all worth it to get down there.

Okay, that's it for this Very Uninspired Post. I actually wasn't going to write anything about the end of my trip, but figured I might as well touch on a couple things. Apologies for the total lack of inspiration or quality story telling. I'll tell you more in person if you ask. I just don't want to be sitting behind a computer anymore!!

Drat! Foiled Again.

2005-01-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

So last night I was 2/3 of the way through a brilliantly inspired blog entry when the power went out in town (as it happens to do every so often). Needless to say, I lost everything I wrote.

This was the second time this has happened which explains for the lack of story updates lately and/or the rather boring writing. That, and the fact that the internet moves slower than a tortoise on valium.

Tonight I am once again staying in Manuel Antonio. I was supposed to be on a bus to San Jose right now so I could go visit one of the volcanos in the morning, but we were unable to get me a ticket for the bus and so I am stuck here again. When I have time to write about what "here" is all about, you'll understand that things could be worse (though this isn't really my favorite place).

Funny thing though. I went to Quepos tonight to buy my ticket for tomorrow and in the random choices I made to walk around in different directions I came across 3 different groups of friends I had made in different parts of my travels - Carla, Steve and Melissa, and Rueben ... all in a matter of 30 minutes or so (and Quepos isn't exactly the place to be!)

So, I am uninspired at the moment and will leave you with no real insight into the last week or so of travel. I will catch up soon (probably tomorrow when the internet is free - yes, the WHOLE internet!) or when I am home this weekend avoiding the things I should be doing. Isn't it better that way?

Adventures soon to come ...

Attention Please: Nice Butt

2005-01-21T13:24:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that the past two days have yielded much growth and development in my life ... I can now, in perfect Dutch say, 'Attention Please: Nice Butt´ and ´My Guinea pig likes lettuce´ ... which, of course, can be rearranged to say, ´Attention Guinea pig, nice lettuce butt¨ if you truly wanted to insult your local Guinea pig. I think that I can leave Costa Rica knowing that I learned what I came here to learn.

In other news ... where did I leave off?

One of those days that already happened that wasn´t today (which is just about how well I am telling time these days), Joyce and Rueben and I decided to go to the Cabo Blanco nature reserve near Montezuma. We spent the day on a 9km hike through the jungle to the beach at the tip of the peninsula and back looking ever skyward for the Costa Rican tree sloth. Where we didn´t find the sloth we were looking for, we did see Howler monkeys (ok ... we HEARD Howler Monkeys), Agouti (which are glorified bunny rats), lizards, bats, butterflys and some of the freakiest insects you never wanted to see.

Take for example, the spider of gargantuan size. First of all, I somehow managed not to have a Indiana Jones moment and walk right into this thing such that it landed on my face. (No, that happened last night with the killer cockroach from outer space) The spider, thankfully, was just to the side of my head when I noticed it´s holy gargantuanness. Face pincers like ... well, like face pincers (do you really have to try to make those sound gross?) a long black body with flourescent yellow spots, and a leg span of about 30 feet (okay, maybe 30 tiny gekko feet). In other words, it was cool and gross and I never have to see one that close to my face again. Really now ... do we have to have creatures like this? Lo, it was mighty.

That night, we somehow managed to rally and tried to create some party action. We made it as far as Foosball games in the reggae bar and lots of beer on the beach next to a faux campfire (it was a mound of sand surrounded at the top by banana leaves with a candle in the middle) ... unique, but lacking somehow. Yet, when you can wear shorts and a T-shirt until 2am, you don´t really need a fire, do you?

Yesterday was mostly a lazy day. Joyce and I spent the day on the beach and in the ocean. In the afternoon, we drank fresh juices and she braided Rueben´s hair. I got a little crispy.

At night, we wanted to celebrate Joyce´s last day and all went out to dinner with Katie and Stephanie, the Austrians. (For those of you who know her, Stephanie just happens to be K. Tafel´s European double - not so much in appearance, but everything else - it was great fun to watch her talk and get all animated and excited like KT so often does!).

We heard about this new bar that was having a party hosted by DJ Sweat. Yes, the DJ Sweat! We decided to check it out. The bar was actually very cool and felt like a tropical taste of SF with the blacklit drapes across the tiki-bar-like roof and surrounded by a big tropical garden. The music eventually picked up and the room began to fill, but no once would dance. So I decided to work the room and get people on the dance floor (including my SF roommate Jennifer who, the night before, came walking around the corner with her boyfriend Walter as I was sitting down in the intersection in town. Weird. I love when you randomly run into people you know in remote corners of the world.)

We ended up dancing barefoot for hours on the circular hardwood dance floor and I had a really fucking great time. I never expected to get to dance like that on this trip and it was pretty great that over the past several years I have become totally unafraid to dance in front of people. In the past, I never would have been the person on the dance floor dancing my heart out and coaxing other people to come join in and have fun. It was good to try on a new role.

The music shut down around 2am and a few of us went to the beach to watch the stars and listen to the ocean. As people began to fade, Rueben and Joyce and I decided to stay up to watch the sunrise because Joyve had to leave super early anyway. We made it until about 5:30 when the sky was getting light which, we concluded, was good enough. We said our goodbyes on the beach and each headed to our various beds and pillows. Rueben heads to Mal Pais today and Joyce flies back to Gouda. I will miss them.

So today, I am tired, a little sunburned and quite happy. It´s been a good many days here and I am now starting to plan out my last week in Costa Rica. Tomorrow, I will check out Mal Pais, another beach town on the west coast of the peninsula, and then on Sunday will take a boat south to the Manuel Antonio reserve where I hope to see the elusive tree sloth.

I am certain I am forgetting to mention things I would otherwise like to remember to mention, but such is life without time schedules and important things to do - your brain turns to a nice, fruity mush.

I think I am off to take one of my twice-daily cold showers and find a nice shady spot on the beach to finish Angels and Demons.

ciao and have a nice butt!

There was no margherita in my marhgerritttt....

2005-01-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm a drittle but lunk. Yo creo que no hay margherita miz en mi margerita ... so be it.

Okay, so vacation only gets better. I hate to rub it in, but tropical paradises ... you just can't beat them.

Last night, I met John and Thomas and Guy and Molly. Ahhh. Thomas and John were Canadian, I don't know where Guy was from and Molly was from about 10 blocks from me in San Francisco. All great people though. Of note: Molly just happened to be a yoga teacher and massage therapist ... so we exchanged massages last night under the stars and by the sea. Can it really get any better than that after the truly relaxing day I had already had? The correct answer: no.

They all left this morning though (bummer!) and the town was feeling a little empty. I was feeling lonely for a little while until I decided to hike up to the waterfalls. Ay de mi! Beautiful!!

The falls were a little crowded, but it didn't matter b/c everyone was just in a great mood. And while there, I met Daniel (from Toronto) who quit his job after 14 years to travel and Joyce, a lovely young dutch woman who I had seen all over town the day before. We sat around talking and watching people jump off the falls, went for swims and baked in the hot, tropical sun.

On the hike back to Montezuma, we found ourselves in the midst of a family of white-faced monkeys traveling through the trees. This was my first Costa Rican wildlife experience and it was truly amazing. Monkey's are so cool!

We stopped at the little trailside food stand at the base of the trail where they serve various grilled meats in banana leaves. As we were sitting there, the cutest tiny little puppy you ever did see crawled on my lap and got comfy. Joyce and I gave her some water and then she slept in my lap for a half an hour. Joyce asked Guierrmo (the owner) if she could take her home to Holland with her. He said yes and proceeded to hand her the dog food, her medicine (with instructions). He then handed his wife and friend a beer to toast the departure of their little one. Needless to say, we couldn't really take the puppy with us. Besides, Joyce would have to fight me for her! We called her Vida (after "Pura Vida" which is the Costa Rican saying - it means "Pure Life") and vowed to go visit her tomorrow.

Then, like every good day in Montezuma, we found ourselves drifting in the ocean and laying in the hot sand. It's so good to meet people I like so much. Quality people all around. Joyce works with autistic people back in Gouda (pronounced How-da) despite the fact that she doesn't like cheese. Her English is really good so that allowed us to talk in depth about things other than "Where are you from?", "How long are you travelling?", etc.

What's even better is that while lying on the beach, I look up and there is Steven (from the plane and San Jose) with his friend Melissa! They arrived from San Jose that afternoon. So great to see people I enjoy spending time with!!

At sunset, Joyce and I went for a drink (where I had the infamous non-margherita margherita) and talked about relatonships, religion, music, etc. and played some pool. Now we are taking a rest before dinner and a night on the town with our collective friends.

Really, folks, this is the vacation I needed. I could stay here for a long long time. (Though Joyce is convincing me to go north where I can do a small eco-tour to watch sea turtle mama's lay their eggs at night. That sounds pretty good ... I might have to take her advice, she said it was one of the best things she has ever done in her life). Only time will tell.

I hope you are all well. Life is good.

Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about

2005-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

Day 4:

Slept in until 8am
Walked 40 feet out my door to a chair on the beach
Watched crashing waves for an hour
Sunbathed
Took an hour-long nap
Read in a hammock
Lay in the sun again
Went on sunset walk on the rocks
Ate yummy vegetables

Next: In search of cocktail.

P.S. - I am never coming home. :)

Sweaty with a Smile

2005-01-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the post we've all been waiting for ...

"What the hell was I thinking? I love it here and I'm never going home!"

Today we shall subtitle: The Agony and the Ecstacy. I woke early at 5am because that's just what happens these days. I don't think I've had a night of sleep more than 5 hours since I left San Francisco. I wanted to make sure I caught the early bus so I wouldn't miss the ferry to the Nicoya peninsula.

The morning began with the taxi driver taking me to the wrong bus station where I stood in line for 15 minutes before I thought to ask a local if this was the right place to buy a ticket for Puntarenas.

{If I haven't yet mentioned this, I don't recommend anyone travelling to Costa Rica without some Spanish under their belt. So few locals know any English (even hotel owners) despite the fact that the economy here is supported heavily by tourism. It is truly frustrating to do anything here as the Spanish I once knew is slow to return and meanwhile everything is as clear to me as Arabic or Chinese. Fortunately today was a good day for language as I somehow regained words and conjugations in leaps and bounds}

As luck would have it, I managed to get another Taxi to the bus station that had buses for Puntarenas. I made the 7am bus with a minute to spare. {Surprise of the day: Public transportation leaves on time here ... for the most part}.

The 2 hour bus ride was uneventful ... if uneventful means a large over-packed bus careening around narrow mountain roads with oncoming traffic and no guardrails. I managed to have an erratic conversation with the woman in the seat next to me though I couldn't tell you what we talked about. Today I relearned the art of nodding and smiling when you have no idea what the other person said, mixed with a small chuckle for good measure.

When I arrived in Puntarenas it was sweltering. Like crawl-out-of-your-skin hot. I ran into Adam and Liam from the hostel in San Jose who were on their way to Mal Pais for 7 weeks of surfing. We passed the time drinking Orange Fantas, talking about Costa Rican culture (i.e. making up stories for all the people milling about) and hiding in the shade. Oh, and the town smells like sewage. Fun fun!

We then embarked on the 1.5 hour ferry ride to the peninsula complaining about the heat the entire way. Fortuntately for us, the ferry sells beer. Mmmmmmm, ice cold beer.

On the other side, we went our seperate ways. They chose to spend $35 dollars each for a taxi across the peninsula whereas I opted for the $2 public bus where I learned the meaning of the phrase ¨packed in like sardines¨. Can we say hot? I mean, when even the locals are complaining about the heat, you know you are in for some trouble.

I again managed to have a disjoined conversation with the two women next to me on the bus. I was remarking about how I like that all the Costa Ricans are attractive people mainly because they are full of life and smiles. Of course, in Spanish I said something more like, Ï like you alot. Costa Ricans. No sad. Large smiles. Big life.¨ But, y´know, I got the point across. Whatever.

But then ... then, I tell you ... I received the golden ticket. I arrived in Montezuma after 7 hours of dreadful travel and though it is hardly off-the-beaten-path, it is a lovely little paradise on the coast and I will now call it home for the next 3-13 days. I found a room on the beach with hammocks and exotic birds just outside my window and fell in love with that which is not San Jose. So, to consecrate my love, I promptly lathered myself up and headed for the sand where I spent the next two hours bathing in hot, sweaty glory.

Motezuma is a small village which is honestly less than a quarter mile long and only a block deep. Nestled into some mountains, it is a mecca for backpackers, hippies and other roust-a-bouts. So far, I like it. And even though it is full with travelers, it doesn´t feel crowded.

I am quickly losing my interest in trying to write all this as it is 8pm and its prime time to be sitting on the beach in front of my room in shorts and a t-shirt. Jealous? You should be. Soon I will tell you all about the waterfalls, the beaches and the wildlife preserve at the end of the peninsula!

Sorry!

(Not.)

San Jose, Day 2

2005-01-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Day Two: Still in San Jose.

I woke up this morning after a less-than-full nights sleep. The noise and the heat are a bit to get used to, but with my earplugs in, I managed to sleep about 5 hours. It's somewhat refreshing to hear the sound of exotic birds singing at all hours dusk and dawn, though the unfamiliar noise distracts me from solitude.

I experienced a mild panic/anxiety attack last night as I was trying to go to sleep. I think it was an affect of culture shock, exhaustion and uncertainty. I actually sat through it with relative ease and am rather proud of myself for not totally freaking out as I would have in the past. I've done a lot of work around my infrequent irrational fears (as I mentioned yesterday), so I'm glad that they are an experience I can be with and not something that controls my life (though I'll admit there were times last night that I wondered why I didn't just get on a plane home today).

It's pretty hard to confess this stuff to you, oh internet. These are aspects of my life which I am not proud of. They illuminate the fact that I am not perfect. I hold myself to such unreasonable standards that I don't expect of anyone else. Faces of friends would appear in my mind last night and I watched the expressions I projected onto their faces as I revealed my cowardice. These expressions are what kept me sane ... knowing that I want to live up to a more bold version of myself. Once again, I hope that this is just a natural part of me and not one I have to cajole.

Enough of that though.

So this morning I tried to make a reservation for Montezuma, the beachside town I want to travel to. I was unsuccessful, so I decided to stay in San Jose another night and head out early in the morning for the 6 hour journey and take my chances when I get there. I should find a reasonably priced place with some time and effort. It will be much easier than trying to make a reservation on the phone with people who do not speak English.

Instead, I spent the day walking around San Jose with two women from Canada, Heidi and Soma and their German friend Vera. We visited the Museum of Modern Art and Design which was interesting, but rather sparse in many ways. The gallery was in this national cultural compound that housed a few buildings presumably all with galleries of some sort. None of us could really read the placards that described the art very well, so we had to guess at what it all meant, but that's what modern art is about anyway, no? One exhibit that struck me in particular was by this San Salvadorian artist who recreated a city scape of graffiti in stacked cardboard boxes. The boxes were drawn on as if they were different buildings and then doused with various graffiti art.

We also walked around some dilapidated parks and took in more of the haphazzard architecture in this city where you'll find 100 year old buildings falling apart next to hideous 70's "modern" designed low-rise buildings ... all of this next to a shack constructed of rusting corrogated steel.

Well, it's late and my writing isn't as coherent as it should be. Tonight will be my last night of free internet access, so my posting may become more sporadic depending on how often I feel like finding an internet cafe. If I get too bored with just sitting around on the beach, you may find multiple posts a day, though it would be good to ween myself off of my email habit.

Okay internet ... goodnight!

Day One, Part II

2005-01-14T20:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's a little after 10pm and there's not a whole lot to do here. They have satellite TV blasting in the common room and I'm not so interested in TV. I have free internet, so ... what the hell?

It's been interesting for me to embark on this journey. There hasn't been emotional excitement about coming to Costa Rica since I solidified the plans. It's been more about having the time, loving to travel and wanting to take advantage of the opportunity. There's the added bonus of getting out of rainy San Francisco for awhile before school.

But I wonder how much of my resistance is due to fear vs. apathy. I noticed on the plane today the undercurrents of fear. When it comes down to it, I am fearful of discomfort, of being unable to take of myself when in dire need and of needing medical care when none is available. I've worked hard over the years to overcome these fears and most of the time I can push through them, but they tend to always surface when I arrive in unknown situations. I hope that one day I will conquer them completely, but I also wonder if I will always have these fearful tendencies and will only learn to manage them better.

There is a large part of me that wishes I had a travel companion right now. I've been meeting people all night, which is great, but there is something different about having someone *with* you. And at the same time, I wanted to come on this trip alone and will inevitably have some adventures that I wouldn't have if I were travelling with someone. (Plus, the majority of the female travelers thusfar are Hotties!)

Thinking back to last year when Madhavi and I travelled to Belize and Costa Rica, I have to remember that the same fears came up ... and they always went away as well.

I'm not really so worried about the worrying ... I'm just wondering what purpose it is serving me and wondering if it will always be a part of me. Perhaps it's just in my nature. Perhaps it's genetic?

Anyway, the combination of some travel wariness and the less-than-excited drive behind this trip has benefitted me in one way ... no plans! I think I prefer traveling with no plans even if it increases the stress around wondering if I'll find a place to stay in my destination.

I know I'm going to read back over this and think that I'm just being a wuss, but hell, it's my experience and it's obviously not holding me back ... so fuck it.

NOTE: My next entry will inevitably read something like, "What the hell was I talking about ... I love it here and I'm never leaving!"

Day One: San Jose, Costa Rica

2005-01-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well, it was a bit of an adventure getting here, but I made it. My flight from Jacksonville to Huston was delayed a little over an hour due to inclement weather in the North East. This meant that my less-than-cushy hour layover in Huston was now reduced to about 5 minutes. When I stepped off the plane I saw that my Costa Rica flight was delayed 10 minutes and I had 15 minutes to get across a half a mile or so of airport with a short bus ride in between terminals. Needless to say, I missed the plane. However, I would like to brag that I only missed it by 5 minutes and I have the small "burn" on my lower back to prove it from sprinting through the airport with a 30-40 pound bag on my back.

So I worked it out to have a free hotel room last night and got a new flight for this morning at 9:30 which was pleasantly uneventful.

Arriving in San Jose, however, is another story. The immigration was surprisingly fast and the customs was virtually non-existant (they ran our bags through an x-ray and that was all).

Stepping onto the street swarming with taxi drivers grabbing you and yelling to compete with one another for your attention was overwhelming in the sweltering heat. I was not dressed for the 90 degree weather and high humidity.

I had met a guy named Steve on the plane who was just coming off 7 weeks in New Zealand and he shared my cab to the hostel I had prebooked (assuming I was going to arrive at 10pm the night before).

The cab ride revealed the chaotic harmony of this city. Pedestrians running or walking across 4 lane highways, cars nearly running into each other at 50 mph (as the norm), black smoke billowing out of trucks and filling your lungs and if you left your arm dangling out the window, it is likely you wont go home with it. And yet somehow it all works and people arent killed or run over or maimed .. at least .. it seems like it works. That is something I learned in cities like Rome and Cairo ... somehow the lack of strict transportation authority works.

After settling at the hostel, Steve and I decided to brave the streets and the local food. We found a great little hole in the wall eatery (and I mean Hole-in-the-Wall!) and dived in. Steve was a bit more risky in his meal, tempting fate with the beef (or something), while I stuck to rice and beans (partially for digestive safety, partially because my Spanish is rusty enough that I couldnt figure out how to ask for anything else ... there were three things on the menu).

I think we both made the right decision not to have the melon drink they gave us. I am not about to ruin this adventure with more time spent in the bathroom than necessary!

So that is about all for today. The rest of the day will be spent walking around, dodging cars, looking at the absolutely random and bizarre architecture and passing the time until I can hop on a bus tomorrow to some lovely and more tranquil beach town far, far away from San Jose.

Until then ...

bad, bad blogger

2005-01-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

Sheyoot! How has so much time passed? I am a bad blogger ... bad, bad blogger. I guess since I am on vacation from school and have no reason to procrastinate, I am less likely to pass the time writing about schtuff.

I am currently in Florida visiting my dad, Jane his wife, his son Elroy ... oops, I meant his daughters Daniella and Marianna and a weasel named Jeb. They just moved here in June and I am seeing the house for the first time. They live in a budding town called Palm Coast about an hour south of Jacksonville and it was clear upon arrival that I could never live here. I just don't think Florida is my place. It's so ... retireminty. My sister, who shall remain nameless (Hi, Katrina!), is building a house next door and I will now convince her that this is not crazy, it's a very fine idea ... I love Florida! Congratulations!

Tomorrow, I begin phase III of my vacation which is two weeks in Costa Rica. (Phase I was three glorious days at Harbin Hot Springs with Vixzen where we slept, soaked, ate, soaked, watched movies, slept and tried to come up with a name for what it is we are doing. We were successful in everything ...... except coming up with a name for what we are doing, so for now, we are ... um ... er .... mmmm ..... aw, who cares, we're just that which will remain nameless - somewhere between just hanging out and being a couple.)

So my plans for Costa Rica are now nailed down to ... I have a place to stay tomorrow night. After that, I have no idea. I kinda like it that way. It may make things more expensive if I have to pay more for a room or backtrack, but I like not being so methodical about *everything* I do. This is yet another opportunity to challenge some fears and reduce the limitations I put on myself. I feel pretty confident that I am going home at the end in one piece, so I'm not worried.

If you are reading this and have any suggestions for Costa Rica, please let me know. I'll be there for 2 weeks before coming back to restart school and work. I have to remember that this is vacation and not a challenge to see every corner of the country (which is what I generally want to do). If I don't sit still for at least 4-5 days, I'll know I'm doing something wrong.

The next couple weeks should provide some good opportunities for blogging and I'll hopefully have some good stories to tell. If not, then I'll at least make you envious by describing how little I did while sitting on the beach that day, drinking tropical drinks and schmoozing with beautiful costa ricans and european super models.

Don't think for a second that I don't get just how fortunate I am to have this luxury. I earned it (I think) and I made it happen.

Bon voyage!

from Martha

2004-12-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

In this Holiday season, I think it's best that we hear from our beloved Martha Stewart ... serving time for what so many have done and are doing. She, however, got caught.

Martha ... what do you have to share?

And maybe, just maybe, I actually got the html link code right this time!!??

Update:
Nope, I didn't get it right the first time! Last time I forgot the (") and this time I forgot the (=). Third times the charm right?

HTML is such a dirty little language!