Amplification

Returning to SF from my spring break has unfortunately amplified the heartache I've been dealing with. It's frustrating and aggravating to still be in the throes of this emotional journey. I know it hasn't been that long and that broken hearts aren't known for rapid healing ... sigh ... I just ... I just hate it.

So many thoughts and feelings about all this - all the time.

Some moments I feel total love and compassion for her, really understanding where she is and what she is trying to do for herself. Other moments I am so angry that she has pulled herself away so drastically ... that the choice to end our physical intimacy wasn't supposed to end our connection and friendship. Still other moments, I get pissed at myself for being so hooked into this one human being and at the same time "getting" that this is all part of what happens when you fall madly in love with someone and then "lose" them. And then there's the jealousy and the longing. There's the missing someone who was becoming one of my best friends in the world. There's the frustration at the not knowing how to be around her and not knowing what she is thinking/feeling about all this. There's the just wanting to be connected again and not knowing why that isn't happening. There's the resistance to reaching out - not willing to put myself at risk for any more rejection. There's the faith an patience that this is not a permanent phase and that things will come around. There's the resignation and bitterness that says, "Fuck you world, I don't want any of it anymore." There's the fear of this sadness pushing other people away even more. There's the appreciation of learning all that I am learning about myself. There is the mixed emotional states that come with knowing that I just want to feel wanted. And then it comes back full circle to just having total love and compassion for her, for myself, for everything.

I also get angry at myself for being so affected by all of this. She is just one woman. Why am I so fucking hung up on her? I know, I know because I'm in love with her. I can feel how the healing process is starting to harden me against her and I hate that.

I just don't know what to do. She isn't really reaching out to me and I feel like it would just be futile for me to reach out to her. I don't get it. I have to trust that behind all this distance, she is still the woman that I fell in love with and who, until recently, told me again and again how much she loved me ... how much I didn't even know how much she loved me. The woman i had the ability to open again and again just by being me. It feels as if that has all changed, and yet I resist believing that.

I guess the key is to just continue being and have patience for this transition period to play out. Perhaps we'll be close again, perhaps not. I would consider it a great loss if we aren't able to be involved in each others lives in a deep and intimate way. Right now, I just have to wait for her to be ready to want to connect again. I'm done with chasing.

I'm trying, I really am trying to balance all of these feelings. I know that everything I am feeling right now comes from this place of love. The fact that I feel unable to express that pisses me off, saddens me, and confuses me. And so I write about it here when I just can't sit with it anymore. I make it public to be honest about who I am right now. I go through parts of the day when I feel so numb and apathetic and then I notice that the numbness is just a desensitization of the overwhelm of emotion. I feel like i should be able to "just get over it," but it's not that simple. fuckin' hell.

i want a birds-eye view of it all so i can just understand what this is all about. why are things the way they are right now? is this the way it is supposed to be? is this the way it has to be? is this what she wants? is this what i need? is the love still there? is the friendship still there? am i supposed to just surrender to it all or am i supposed to be taking emotional risks to create what i want?

i don't know. i just don't know. i know what i want, and i don't know what to do about that - or if i am supposed to do anything.

I wish I was the moon tonight

new york has been great. so good to see old friends and pick up as if we saw each other last week instead of 9 years ago. and there is something refreshing about the attitude the people in this city have, there's an abrasiveness about it that is both comforting and annoying. there is certainly nothing like nyc in the world that i've ever experienced. it feels as if the city has become more cosmopolitan, however. the abundance of young, beautiful people with 'attitude' is plainly obvious. not that i am complaining at looking at beautiful people, but the "i'm too cool for even myself-ness" about many of them is both alluring and obnoxious. in others, there is a tangible honesty in just being who they are. one thing is for sure, there are lots of people in this city and i haven't yet tired of observing them all.

on friday night we went to see Neko Case at webster hall in the village. girls got a voice. it was a great show and i was very impressed with the sound at the venue, its not often you can see a show these days in a smallish venue where the voice and band are crystal clear and mixed perfectly. her voice seems to convey a distinct personality, one that is lonely and pained yet strong willed and defiant. it made me a little sad to listen to her - mostly because i was introduced to her music via ami singing to me in the car. there's still a lot of heartache there for me.

saturday night i decided to head down to the south street seaport museum to see "Bodies: The Exhibition." i'd heard about this exhibit for awhile and was going to go see it in san francisco until i found out that the one in san francisco was a different show called 'the universe within' and that it didn't hold a candle to the one here in NY. the wait was well worth it. amazing. the exhibit begins gently with the skeletal system. the bodies have been plasticized and displayed in various forms, either whole bodies or segments of. from skeletons, you move into the muscular system and are able to view multiple layers of muscle and tendon throughout the body. from there, the nervous system - where they have somehow been able to remove the entire nervous system from the body and lay it out in a case. the same for the vascular system, where there are full body exhibits of just veins and arteries as well as highlights of various body segments. and on to the organs, the reproductive system ...

it's a profound experience and i'm not sure that i can really describe how it has impacted me. to see, so clearly, the utter complexity and delicacy of our bodies and yet to know how resilient we are. having the opportunity to take this knowledge and be able to visualize it, to see how masterfully we are put together, how all of our systems are physically related in three dimensions, to see the effects on the body of disease and aging, the various forms of human development in utero ... it's a wonder we are able to survive the way we do. i highly recommend checking it out and add the disclaimer that it may make you a little nauseous at first.

in other news, i got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and went to the airport for my 9am flight ... only to learn that my 9am flight is tomorrow morning. whoops. but at least that left me with this beautiful, sunny extra day in NY. i spent a lot of it just walking around, checking people out, clearing my head for the final push for my graduate school career. i feel like i have been gone for so long in many respects, and yet so much of what was going on for me when i left is still so present.

i look forward to my bed. i look forward to reconnecting with friends. i look forward to getting my head back into LIT and putting into practice all that i am learning right now.


"How will you know if you found me at last
'Cause i'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight" ~neko case