I have an elevator

Last night I had the opportunity to say something that I had been wanting to say for ... 2 years.

There's this woman I've worked with for the past two years that I have had a crush on since day one. It was always something that had to be kept secret because:

(a) I worked with her for one year as a colleague and for the past year, worked for her - as in, she was my boss, and,

(b) because she has been in a serious relationship and I knew that revealing my crush wouldn't change any of that - so it was better to be respectful of the work situation and keep it under wraps until a time when those constraints weren't in place anymore.

That time came last night.

It's been a couple of weeks since I left work and she and I had plans to go to dinner to catch up outside the work environment ... something we've been known to do from time to time.

I nearly chickened out.

You know how when you have a crush on someone, it's really difficult to speak coherently around them? This was my experience in many of my interactions with her - especially in our 1:1 meetings at work where I'm supposed to be generating thoughts and plans, but instead would get lost in watching her mouth form words and then have to bumble through some response to her question that I only partially heard.

It was getting about time for the check to come and there was this very distinct pause in the conversation. In those few moments, the clatter in my head erupted ... do I tell her now? am I really going to do this? what if she really doesn't want to hear it? is this really necessary?

You see, like millions of people, I suffer from "Can't Think, Pretty Girl" syndrome. The symptoms are 'saying stupid things', 'forgetting to say anything at all', 'tripping', and other character building activities.

But, I remembered some advice some guys gave me not long ago ... "you probably shouldn't drink that" ... which had nothing to do with the situation. And so in leiu of any useful information in my head, I decided to just tell her and see what happens.

In that split second, I smiled and relaxed and just told her what I had waited to say for a long, long time.

She smiled ... and giggled ... and blushed ... and got a little flustered.

It was endearing.

I tend to shy away from complimenting women I find attractive. It's this whole dumb issue I have and am trying to get over. I won't bore you with the 'why I think I developed this aversion' story. Suffice it to say that it just felt really good to compliment her and adore her with no other intention than expressing those feelings and sharing them with her.

It's also reminded me that crushes are fun. Especially when you are able to tell the other person about it. I can't say I have any shortage of crushes right now, but I think I'll go out and get some more. They are relatively easy to manage, not very time consuming, make you feel good and there's no messy break-up when you are done!

Of course, I would choose to move past the crush with this woman and into dating in a second, but since that isn't possible, I'll just stick with the crush.

I do have to say, though, the word crush is an odd word to associate with those feelings. I don't feel crushed at all. It's more like being elevated. But you can't say, "I have an elevator on you". That just sounds weird.

The dragonfly

This past week was spent hanging out at Bruinslair. God I love that place. The mornings were spent helping Bill and Pat build a new wing of the outdoor kitchen. I sometimes forget how much I love manual labor (of the construction variety) - especially when it is outdoors.

The afternoons were spent reading, sitting on the new tree deck in meditation or daydreaming, swimming, hiking, picking blackberries and napping. The evenings consisted of saunas, night swims, campfires and just sitting outside under a big, clear sky watching the moon rise and travel across the night sky.

There are, of course, many many bugs in the outdoors. Many of which I actually like. The dragonfly's are out of control right now - they are everywhere and I could watch them for hours as I lay on my back on a floating recliner in the pond.

One day, when I was working on stripping the bark off some logs, I pulled my car up to have some music while I worked. Not long after hitting 'play' on a Medeski, Martin and Wood CD, this huge dragonfly came flying up to my car. It hung out in the window for a little while and then started flying around my car, stopping to hover in different windows. At first I thought it was just a coincidence. But, the dragonfly just stayed there, not leaving the car. I decided to see what would happen if I turned the music off ... after a minute or so, he (she?) flew away. When I started the music up again, he flew back and stayed until I finally parked my car again and turned off the music.

Who knew? Some Dragonfly's like jazz.

Hmh.

This weekend I am going to make Blackberry pie. Yes, you heard me: muther-fuckin' BLACK BERRY PIE! Whoh-Nelly! Am I going to be in pie-heaven. I brought back two huge containers of hand-picked blackberries from the 'lair. And the blackberry season has barely started. It might almost be worth driving up there again in two weeks just to get some more. Of course, picking blackberries is a very dangerous activity and I have the thorn holes and scrapes to prove it. Still ... a little pain for some home-made blackberry pie is worth it. Maybe I'll make the second one with peaches and blackberries!

Pie anyone?