here again

i'm back at my apartment/flat after a very trying travel day (more on that later).

as we were flying into oakland this morning, i noticed a slight sinking feeling in my body. the faint questions arose, "what am i coming back to? what do i have to look forward to?"

this immediately spurred the thought, "did i leave something behind?" (as in, did some aspect of my life really "stop" when I left the bay area for maine that i am now returning to?)

a slight taste of melancholy in my mouth, i realized that there was something missing in my interpretation of coming back to SF ... coming home. my association created this missing feeling because my apartment is not my 'home', it is merely where i live.

home is where i am. this is a concept that i embraced when i've traveled around the world for months on end. it all begs the question (for me), "what is home and why does coming back to SF leave me feeling a little melancholy?"

it makes me aware of misplacing my attention on "what's to come" versus what's right here and now.

it's all something to consider.

***

the trip home was ... eventful. my first flight from portland to d.c. was fine. i had an hour+ layover in d.c., which was spent mostly on the computer. as i was walking toward the gate, however, i bumped into an aquaintance - a guy named gita whom i've had brief, though intimate, connections with. turns out we were on the same flight and, though full, there was an extra seat next to him in the second row of the exit aisle (which, by the way, are the best seats on a plane b/c not only do you have the extra leg room, but the seats tilt back as well - unlike when there is only one row).

having a friend to unexpectedly sit next to was helpful as we SAT ON THE TARMAC FOR 5.5 hours waiting out a fabulous lightning storm. the storm was so intense that we couldn't even go back to the gate b/c the airport was shut down and they weren't letting the ground crew out. we eventually did go back to the gate b/c they had to fix one of the bathrooms and refuel before taking off 6 hours behind schedule. sigh. a 12 hour flight from d.c. to sf.

it was great to hang out and talk with gita - he and i have a lot of similar learnings recently about ourselves and relationships, etc.

and now i am home after a little sleep getting back into the details of all the things i am juggling, wondering what's next and what's most important for me to really put my attention on. i feel tired and yet refreshed after the trip to maine with a new perspective on my life here in the big city.

firefly

moments like these are when you can really just sit back and appreciate the goodness of life.

kevin and i just got back from getting some ice cream in town, which we scooped into cups and went out on the back deck to eat in the darkness of a warm summer night. what made it especially especial was the firefly show in the woods just before the lake; the darkness erupting in short bursts of light from all directions and heights, some practically overhead.

there simply is no substitute for enjoying a moment like that with a good friend and having the chance to just relax and shoot the shit for awhile before heading to bed in a tent.

maine is in my heart. it always will be. i do so love it here.

a collection of thoughts; part 3

context of being:
it occurred to me many weeks ago the confinement of my own thoughts. i had been thinking about what it would be like to pack up all my stuff and/or sell most of it and then go live somewhere else and do something unrelated to who i've been in the past 33 years ... like, move to india and work as a hotel busboy or to open a small market in senegal. something radically different. the eruption of thoughts that ensued enabled me to see the rigid context i have been living in with regards to what's possible for me. it's refreshing to open up those restraints and see the much wider scope of possibility and recognize that those alternate lives do not happen because i am not choosing them rather than them not being possible.

it's beginning to feel like i am slowly reinvigorating creativity, openness, innocence and moving away from a set context of being. it's like my life has been moving in pre-set tracks that i willingly have followed and am once again recognizing that those tracks are imaginary and there are an infinite number of tracks to choose from. my all-too-linearly-developed mind had forgotten that.

maine day three (a take-home message):
seatbelts are wonderful. wear them. and get insurance while you're at it (health, dental, renters). i don't want to condone living in a fear mentality, but more so a 'prepared' mentality. hopefully you can say on your death bed, "well, that was a waste of money, i never needed any of my insurances!". trust me on this. we visited kevin's dad in the hospital today. he is one lucky muther. in talking with doctors around the country, he should be dead or paralyzed ... he's one of the lucky ones and we still don't know to what extent he will recover.

back to seatbelts ... have you ever seen someone in a halo? you know, the contraptions that keep your neck immobilized by screwing 6 screws into your skull and attaching it to your torso? it doesn't look pleasant. fortunately bill is one bad-ass man and is handling it fairly well. oh, and then there's the drugs. they help too.

job hunt:
the consulting firm i did some consulting with has a job opening in the department i want to work for. the job is a step below where i would want to be, but i could do the job well and it is customarily used as a stepping stone to being an organizational consultant. i'm thinking about taking it (not that it's been offered yet, but i know they'll want me (i'm more than qualified, they know i do great work and am interested in more). there's a lot of perks like good insurance and it's IN SAN FRANCISCO! that is a HUGE thing for me. i really don't want to commute to palo alto or freemont everyday ... and if it sucks, i can always get out. it beats being at the CPUC right now and i really like the people at the firm. so there are a lot of reasons to take it. reasons against: it's not a dream job ... but then, i don't know what is right now, so why not do something i enjoy and am good at, make some decent money and get a taste for the business?? things to think about: am i selling out and taking an easy route as opposed to waiting to find something that has a bigger "YES" attached to it. i'll apply and continue to think about it. right now the thought of having a decent job sounds great and like a good first step. there's something to be said for the way it kind of fell into my lap as well ... based on some work i did for them and then an online discussion with the hiring manager about maine (not knowing she was the hiring manager at the time). i'll keep you posted.

maine stay

it's been a wonderful first day with the callahan's. i arrived late last night after a day of travel. i left the portland airport at midnight for the last hour and a half drive to kevin & kelly's. the drive was fantastic ... though it was dark outside, i could tell i was in maine. i love this state. there were several moments last night when i would pass a evergreen-lined lake illuminated by a large orange moon just abouve the horizon. sheer beauty. i found a good radio station and cranked up the speakers in the rental car and made my way north with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

today was spent doing what i could to help out around the house. it started with the obligatory trip to the local bakery where they make some kickass donuts. i mean ... donuts! in maine! does life get any better??? only with bacon. i think one of these days i'm going to open a store that only sells the things that i like: donuts, bacon, macaroni & cheese, peanut butter, jazz, funk, chill music, camping gear, drums, chocolate cake and snowboards. of course, there's room to expand. there would probably be an adult section. and a kids section. to edify the different sides of people. donuts and bacon would be the link in the middle. :)

the rest of the day was spent helping kelly around the house, playing with raelin, mowing the lawn, emptying and relocating a sandbox and a little chill time with kevin. oh, and i of course got to meet Liam who is now 5 weeks old!!

my two favorite moments of the day:

1. Raelin telling me as we are brushing our teeth, in a very matter-of-fact tone, "Liam had a blowout yesterday." (referring to his poop exploding out the sides of his diaper). (Raelin just turned 3, btw).

2. Mowing the lawn. I *love* mowing the lawn and they have a lot of it. I find it very meditative, despite the sound of the engine. I love the smells, I love the gratification of mowing smaller and smaller patches of tall grass. I love the physical effort of pushing a mower up a hill. It's almost as good as using a chainsaw. Maybe better. Maybe. I love the symmetry of the grass when done. It reminds me of how fascinated I was with Zambonie's when I was a kid (the machine's that they use to clean the surface of the ice on ice rinks). Okay, I *still* want to drive a zambonie one day. And bigger tractors. And operate one of those large construction cranes and demolition balls. and ...

I'm writing this by the way from a tent in the yard. It's warm, the stars are out. Life is good.

And it feels especially good to be here with the callahans helping out in what ways I can. I am deeply grateful for all the people who contributed funds to helping me get out here. I couldn't have come without their help and I know how much I and Kevin and Kelly appreciate it. It looks to be a wonderful week.

girls are evil

just so there's no confusion. it's scientifically proven:

goin' to maine

on thursday i'm flying to maine to be with my friends k&k. i'm really looking forward to it. not just because i get to see them, play with 'r' and meet the new one, but because i get to help them.

[tangent]
i noticed recently that there is a part of me that feels bad admitting that i like to help people. the question is often asked, "do you think people need help?" and it's pretty much always asked in an hidden accusatory manner - as if people needing help is a bad thing. at least that's how it feels. i do think people need help ... sometimes. i know i do. i get that people react to being helped when they don't want it/need it because it can make you feel powerless, untrusted, and invaded. but that's not the kind of help i like giving, even if i do it sometimes without thinking. it's a fine line sometimes. and the difference, it seems, is in the intention behind why you help someone. is it because i just want to be helpful and contribute to their life? or is it because i think they can't do what it is they are trying to do or what i think they *should* be doing? the former = yea! the latter = yuk.
[/end tangent]

so k&k just had their second child a few weeks ago. since then, his parents came out to visit and his father suffered a stroke while driving alone, which lead to a car accident in which he broke vertebrae in his upper spine. from what i understand, everything is looking pretty good right now for a full or mostly-full recovery. and it will also be a long road. on top of all this 'k' runs his own business and lives 1.5 hours away from the hospital where his father is. i can't even begin to understand what the emotional overwhelm of their situation feels like. and so i'm heading out there to lend some support, help around the house, play with the kids, etc.

it's been a bit of a challenge to get everything taken care of so i can get out of here for a week. times like this illuminate for me just how complicated my life is with all its little parts. i love it and most of everything that i am doing, but it sure gets to be a lot. i tend to slightly over-commit b/c i like to be busy. i often get a lot more done when my schedule is tight than when i have too much free time ... so i'd almost rather have a lot to do or nothing at all.

my LIT project is flailing a bit. it's that damn indecision i am not comfortable with. it's interesting to notice just how often i try to distract myself from heading into unknown waters. in finding the discipline to sit in one place and brainstorm ideas for the project, i notice how quickly my mind wanders. so tricky, so tricky. i'm curious what it's all about. i'm curious about my lack of enthusiasm for my project - what does that mean? is it resistance or is it just a simple lack of interest in the project itself? hmmm ... certainly some fertile ground to explore.

more on that later ... much to do, much to do ...

the warrior

changes are happening in my life recently. this reluctant optimist over here started paying attention to his thought patterns. stopped listening to the ones that were stopping him so much, turned up the volume on the ones that sang the tune he wanted to hear. it's all just a story anyway, why not choose the one we want?

for most of my life i've felt pretty small and weak. makes no difference whether or not there is any truth to that image. but why not create one that i want? how about ... the warrior. the one who kicks ass in every area of his life. the one who is free. the one who stands up for his convictions.

i get more and more how much a game this all is. life. i used to hear that phrase and felt like it cheapened life b/c i didn't understand what it meant. i took "game" to mean 'trite', that life was a whim. but that's not what it means.

i've spent too much of my life thinking certain thoughts such as: i am not good enough, i am not smart enough, i am not good looking enough and finding evidence to support those thoughts. ignoring the fact that i could be having the exact opposite thoughts: i am good enough, i am smart enough, i am good looking and find as much evidence to support those thoughts. that's the game. it's all a story. every moment is new. there is no past, there is no future. all that is, is now. make it whatever you want it to be. so maybe life itself is not the game, but how we chose to live it is.

consciousness in every moment and every action/absence of action is a choice. free from the constraint of useless self-limitations. not free from fear, necessarily, or worry or doubt ... but free to make choices when confronted with any emotion or situation. a victim to nothing. responsible for every choice made or not made.

so why not play with archetypes?

kind-hearted warrior. vigilant. compassionate. unapologetic. present.

sure beats the hell out of thinking that i can't do something or i am not good enough. and thusfar, the experiment is working. things are appearing in my life that weren't available to me before. perhaps that's just a matter of me not looking, perhaps it's a metaphysical phenomenon ignited by thought patterns and energy, perhaps it's all just random. who knows? does it matter?

what matters to me is fun, joy, growth, love, and connection. and so that is the framework that i'm choosing to see my life through. i'll keep you posted.

Punk Rock Kickball, the fifth

Yesterday was our 5th annual punk rock kickball game.

There was the Dead Kennedys, beer for bases, beer in hair, tackling, wrestling, swearing, bloodshed and a little bit of kickball thrown in. It's one of the best days of the year and a damn good excuse to wear eyeliner.

See for yourself:

PRKBV

I was a little sad to see so few of the orignal gang around, but there were enough of the veterans to represent. People are already asking about next year.

stepping into leadership

life has been on the high speed lately. rather, it feels like i have a lot to do and yet i do still find space in my schedule for 'fuck off' time. sometimes it seems like i do that too much, other times it feels necessary. i often wonder what i would accomplish if i had less of it.

and wonder no more ...

i think i alluded to a project i am undertaking for the leadership training program. each person in the program committed to a 6 month project that would advance their leadership in some capacity, push their boundaries, challenge that part of them that feels that something is impossible, evoke their values, is outside the realm of what they are naturally good at, and is measurable. basically, there should be a mixture of excitement and "oh shit" when thinking about it - that's a good indication that we are on the right path - something we want and would otherwise likely avoid doing.

my project, in concrete terms, is to design, create and conduct a workshop of some sort. i don't know what it is going to be about yet. which leads me to the much deeper aspect of my project, because in essence, it is not about the workshop.

my project is about trusting myself and believing that I have something of value to offer the world. it is about tapping into that which inspires me, that which fuels me and that which i believe in ... and then offering that to others as something that will help them. it is about helping others, coming from that place that i know i have gifts in healing and where i want to contribute to others living the lives that they want. it may be about carving a niche for myself in the work i want to be doing - and at the very least exploring one path to get a better sense of what i want to do more specifically.

the challenge for me is not in the creation of the workshop so much as it is finding what it will be about. the workshop design will certainly be challenging and a lot of work and i know it will be confronting in a lot of ways. the crux of the project, however, is in getting through whatever barriers i have to seeing what i have to offer that is uniquely mine.

it actually pisses me off quite a bit. it seems so fucking simple in many ways and i can see how, for someone else, this would be ridiculously easy. to some extent i am very in touch with what inspires me and at the same time i haven't yet figured out how and why that would be something that i would create a workshop around - something that would be of value to others. to another extent, i get stuck thinking that whatever i create has to be better than what others have created to be of value. that's a huge hurdle for me. the mental dialogue is something like, "why would anyone chose to participate in a workshop i've created on (x), when that person has a workshop on (x) and they've been doing it for 20 years!"

and that is a major part of my project ... getting through the crap like that that stops me from doing things that i want to do.

it is about leaving the realm of 'follower' which i do so well.
it is about leaving the realm of 'leader' only when i feel like i really know what i am doing.

it is about stepping into being a leader in my life and in being that, stepping through the doubts and self-limiting thoughts that hold me back.

i also see where all this mental chatter is a load of bullshit and something i want to drop and just fucking 'be'. i am guilty of deconstructing things a lot, wanting to understand all the ways of being (ahem ... yes, i've studied a lot of psychology) ... and i love it and want to escape it at the same time.

given that ... all the stuff above is awesome and i love thinking about it and learning and growing.
and there's a big part of me that sees how it is all just a sliver of this game of life and that there is so much more outside of that slice of pie. it's just one that i am focusing on for the moment and i trust that it is serving me in some way.