Crushed

I don't know what it is. The horoscopes say it's because Venus isn't in retrograde anymore, I say it's because I'm a guy.

I have crushes coming out the wazoo. Crushes to the left of me, crushes to the right. I'm one big crush monster.

Of course, the majority of my crushes are "off-limits" (i.e. in relationships, exes of friends, etc.) which is fine b/c more often than not, crushes are best left as crushes.

But damn if she doesn't look cute today, and my *she* smells gooood, and, oh, she has the most beautiful eyes and that woman over there just smiled at me ...

sigh

::all work and no crushes makes jason a dull boy::

medeski martin and me

On Sunday, I had backstage passes to the Medeski, Martin and Wood show at the Greek Theater. They were playing as a part of this tour with the Roots and 311. My friend Cheryl’s old roommate works for MMW and so Cheryl has known these guys for awhile, but this was my first time meeting them. Being that they are easily in my top 25 favorite bands, I felt at first like a 15 year old on his best behavior. After they played, we went backstage and Cheryl introduced me to Chris Wood. So, we’re standing there talking as one of the Roots walks by and says, “what up?”.

Turns out Chris and John (Medeski) are just the coolest, down-to-earth guys. Billy (Martin) is great, too, but wasn’t around as much since he some friends in the area that he went to visit. John is a huge wine conneseur and had some vineyard friends up from Monterey with loads of different wines and fine cheeses so we just hung out backstage trying different wines talking about this and that and then went out to watch the Roots.

Later, they hopped on the bus and we met them down at the Berkeley marina where we chilled, prepared a lot of food and drank a lot more wine!! All in all it was an excellent day and I owe it all to my friend Cheryl (thanks Cheryl!). It’s not everyday that you just get to chill with some of your musical idols as if you’d known them all along.

revealing the real

So Friday afternoon Zack and I made peace outside the State house. Well over a year of tension and pain washed into the sewers with an agreement to draw the line and walk forward. The lessons and insight have been bubbling up since then and this is what I have learned (or re-learned) thus far:

** My pride gets in my way … I have this side of me that thinks I’m perfect and to admit otherwise is really fucking hard. I feel like I need to be perfect all the time and I carry this misperception that if I am fallible, people won’t like me (old childhood shit).

** There was a lot of the story that I only saw from my perspective and because I felt Zack had betrayed our friendship and wronged me, I didn’t consider his opinion or feelings at all. I transferred some anger that should have been directed at Madhavi onto him because it made it easier to forgive Madhavi.

** Holding onto the anger I had was a way to control the situation. In other words, by casting anger and blame on zack and making him wrong, that affected the relationship between he and madhavi and so I had control over their relationship. Letting go of that meant to fully let go of her and to accept that they were together and happy.

** I miss my best friend and it hurts to accept that she isn’t my best friend anymore … that I’m not the first person she calls when something great happens or when she needs help and how incredibly hard it is to feel replaced.

** Black and White – win or loose. There was a part of me that saw forgiving Zack as losing. I don’t like losing.

Friday night at the ANDC, Madhavi and I had a good and difficult conversation for about an hour on the stairs. It was hard not to be distracted by friends walking by curious as to why we were talking so intently and it was uncomfortable to deal with those who came by and said things like, “you guys are so cute together”. But it was good. We said some hard things, some things that were liberating and some things that were hard to hear and harder to say … but that’s what will make it all work in the end. I fucking love that woman and I love her for being honest with me and for hearing everything I have to say. I feel like we can talk about anything and you just can’t beat that.

I also became clear that the hurt and loss is not about missing the relationship Madhavi and I had. I miss the relationship we wanted to create and I miss my best friend. But I totally see how great it is for Madhavi and Zack to be together. She and I needed to know if we could create the relationship we wanted, but something blocked that so we had to let go of that dream together. She and Zack have a much clearer path to that dream and it is just simply right for them to pursue that together.

It’s interesting that my reaction to bareing my fears and insecurities both feels like I am weakened in the minds of the people who read this and also strengthened by exposing myself in truth.

I’m on a mission. It’s a good one and I’m excited about it. The mission is tapping into my depths on a regular basis. I’m reconnecting with my passions and being honest and revealing my truth and being open to others is something I am very passionate about. It gets me all electric and alive.

just f*ck everything

day from hell

wow, if i weren't insistent on getting this off my chest and out of my head, out of my soul, for chrissake, I would be on my way to sleep and letting the day go away in preparation for tomorrow.

it all started with one of my roommates bitching me out because his computer wasn't connecting to our wireless network. i updated the firmware the other night (in an attempt to help my other roommates connectivity issues) and only found out this morning that he has been unable to connect since then. he was in a foul mood and pretty much tried to tear me a new one. i went up to his room, selected the network and it worked fine .. he just didn't know what the hell he was doing and instead of asking for help, took out his frustration on me. like i don't get enough of that at work already.

so, then, i get to work - late - and my boss, who has been on vacation for three weeks is on the phone b/c she can't get her computer at home to work and *she* is pissed. never a fun time. another constant excercise in having a person pile their shit on me and having to let it roll off. i wasn't so good at that today.

this all followed up by drama with Madhavi around the potential discomfort about her and zack being around me and all the anger, frustration and pain that is resurfacing because of it. Fuck it. Just fuck everything.

and so after talking with her for a long time about, essentially, the little bits of hell you have to deal with in the post-break-up of a relationship ...

(okay, kendra just called to see how i was doing and that's just the best thing anyone has done for me all day. kendra rocks, hands down).

so, after madhavi and i got off the phone, i started writing to zack. there was no "is this the right thing?" and no "do i really want to do this?" ... it just was. It was for me, it was for madhavi and it was for zack. he and i are going to meet tomorrow afternoon to say what has to be said. to hear what has to be heard. there's a year and a half of anger, frustration, hurt, distrust and avoidance to voice.

and how do i feel? odd. excited. scared. i'm so looking forward to the intensity because i can handle it and that intensity isn't what you may think it is. that intensity is about me bringing all of me. being wide fucking open and real, owning my shit and not backing away from honest emotions. this is like the prime rib of experience, the caviar. okay, wait .. i don't like prime rib or caviar ... this is the Annie's alfredo Mac&Cheese with broccoli of experiences. someplace so fucking raw and real and i get to bring all that i'm learning about myself ... i get to be me.

and i'm totally open to walking away and leaving a lot of this shit behind. i can't say i'm pushing for that. i'm not pushing for anything but the experience. the motivation is to honor the relationship madhavi and i have been working on. she has made a request of me. it may not be the timing i would choose and it may not be something that i *want* to do. but i'm going to. friends that are worth their weight, do hard things for each other.

i know some men who would give me a hard time for not sticking to my guns. fuck guns. life is about relationships to yourself and to others. relationships involve compromise. this is a compromise i'm choosing to make and i'll accept and own if it blows up in my face. i figure the worst that could happen is that nothing changes.

does it sound like i'm trying to convince myself? perhaps a little. i'll let you know how it goes.

and looking back, i have to say there were some good parts to my day. i had a good talk with cynthia at work. she's one of my favorite people though she doesn't know it. i just really respect and admire her and it always feels good to connect with her about life outside the world of work. the second good thing was my class tonight.

i'm in a improv comedy workshop and it is just so fucking great and so much fun. i wouldn't have done it, but it was one of my arete commitments and i'm very glad it is. tonight we did this one excercise called "Playbook" where there are 3 actors and one of them has a script and randomly chooses a character and page. the other two players start any old scene and then the script reader comes in and uses the script whenever they speak. the non-scripted players have to react as if whatever is said fits the scene and is real. anyway ... the scene i did was hilarious and was uncanny at how perfect the script went with the scene that was chosen (but in a really twisted way). I really needed to laugh like that.

we also passed around pieces of paper and wrote stories/letters/poems one word at a time. this is how mine came back:

Note to Friend:

Dear Todd,
I want you to stop saying bad lies about angie. you are the biggest fucking zoologist here. Gay? Probably!

juicy is good

Ahhh ... so many crushes, so much time. And yet, I'm pretty pleased right now being single. This may, in fact, be the first time in my life when I have not been in a relationship and not been actively craving one. I'm also not closed to the idea, I'm just in this pleasant space in between. Perhaps it's a sign of my growing confidence, knowing that I can manifest the right relationship when I want it (wouldn't that be nice!). Perhaps it's that I'm just too busy to have time to give that much attention to someone else. Mostly, I think it's just that (after being in a relationship for three years) I enjoy my time alone to learn more about myself and figure out what I want.

I get a little freaked out that I'm soon to be 32 and am not on my way to having a family. But, "40 is the new 30", as they say, so I'm not too freaked out. I'll just have to have children with a young, nubile woman. Hey, that doesn't sound so bad!

I'm starting to realize just how uncomfortable blogging can be. First of all, I have *no idea* if anyone has ever even seen this blog. I haven't made note of it amongst my friends and community, though it is linked off my website. And then there's the issue with not knowing if people can tell when I'm kidding and the flip side is, "Do I care?". The point is not to try to be funny (though sometimes I think I am) and not to try to write for an audience (though I think it's hard to get away from that), but just to write what's on my mind.

Blogging is a practice in not caring about judgement ... about putting myself out there and not caring if and how I am received. That's also a new lesson for me which is really fucking hard and also quite enjoyable. One of the commitments I took on recently was to not hold myself back because not only do people sense that I am holding back, but they also *want* me to be fully expressed. I've had a lot of no-bullshit conversations lately where license is given to say anything that wants to be said. Damn if those conversations aren't juicy and exhilarating! I love honesty even when it's hard. I can take the hard stuff, I just can't take it when I know someone is hiding.

Oops, late for work. Now is the part of the post where I feel like I need to wrap it up and tie it all together somehow. But fuck it if I don't. Of course, if I was really comfortable with not being judged for my writing, I would have just ended it without this paragraph. Oh well, nobody's perfect!

a strange state

I just got home from my Arete completion party. If you don't know what Arete is, go here: http://www.aretecenter.com. I'm not going to go into it all that much.

The important piece is how lonely I feel amidst a group of people who not only love me, but also see me for my true self. I wish I could figure out why that is. What am I looking for to be fulfilled? What is yearning to fill this emptyness inside? Don't get me wrong, my experience of the loneliness is also this wonderful thing. There has been a moment somewhere along the line -- a change in how I relate to my emotions -- and it seems like it should have been a dramatic, memorable moment for the impact it has had on my life, but I can't seem to pinpoint any one point in particular. Arete has something to do with it, but this experience was present, to some extent, before that.

The change is the near total acceptance of my emotional state. It sucks that I feel lonely and sad right now. It sucks that I have tears dripping down my cheeks, but I am so totally okay with it. There's no resistance, no fight against what is. I'm sad right now and that's all there is to it ... it's a beautiful thing.

I could analyze the whole night/week/month and tell you one hundred and one reasons why I feel sad and lonely. But (a) that's all bullshit stories and (b) it doesn't really matter, does it?

I feel courageous. That's a funny looking word when you type it out. There's a fine line between courageous and stupid. I don't think you ever really know which is which, but you go with your instinct. Perhpas they're the same thing. I can think of a dozen times when I overheard someone say, "That took a lot of courage" when they really were saying, "That was the dumbest thing I ever saw anyone do ... you're such an idiot!"

I'm in such a strange state (I'm not referring to California which is, indeed, a strange state). For the past few months I've had such uneven emotions. Vary rarely are they extreme, but often I'll fluctuate between high and low in a manner of minutes, stay there for a few hours and then flip again. I like it. I feel acutely aware of my state. I feel like I am accepting and allowing whatever emotions come my way without resistance or judgement. I feel whole and yet incomplete. It's a strange state.

must be pms

I think I'm having a PMS day.

Probably Mild Sickness?
Public Monkey Sex?
Post-Modern Soliloquys?

I decided to drive to work this morning because (a) I was late for work and (b) because I needed to move my car for street cleaning. When I get out to my car, what do I find? A beautiful woman waiting for a ride? No. Someone stole the Fog lights off of my car! It was probably some kind of ninjas (well, okay, so I live in Noe Valley, so it must have been yuppie ninjas) Why do yuppie ninjas need fog lights made specifically for my car!?

PMS = Punks Madeoffwithmy Stuff

So I'm pissed, but I figure, "How much can a couple of glorified lighbulbs cost?".

Here's a simplified transcript of the conversation with the Subaru dealer:

Me: Yeah, my foglights got stolen and I want to replace them. How much is that going to cost?
SD: Uh, let me look.

(hold music for 3 minutes)(really bad hold music for 3 minutes)

SD: Uh, thats gonna run you about $260 with tax.

(pause)

Me: $260?
SD: Yeah
Me: For 2 foglights?
SD: yup
Me: You gotta be kidding
SD: nope
Me: T-w-o-h-u-n-d-r-e-d-a-n-d-s-i-x-t-y-d-o-l-l-a-r-s!?
SD: yup
Me: that's ludicrous
SD: yup

*click*

Have I mentioned how much I hate yuppie ninjas?

Day 1 - the first blog

I am mastering the art of procrastination as we speak. Can you sense it? Do I not look like a man on the verge of excellence?

That's mostly BS. In reality, I'm way over-committed for my own good these days and I think my lack of motivation today is a subtle form of rebellion. Besides, I know I work better under pressure and will get it all done tomorrow.

And - I needed a blog anyway.

So, I can't preview it until I finish one post .. so here it is.

I really only set this up as I was trying to send a comment to Lisa Witter on her blog. She just beat out thousands of people to take a spot on Showtime's new show "American Candidate". From what I know of this woman, she can win it. Too bad I don't have a TV.

Go Lisa!