just f*ck everything

day from hell

wow, if i weren't insistent on getting this off my chest and out of my head, out of my soul, for chrissake, I would be on my way to sleep and letting the day go away in preparation for tomorrow.

it all started with one of my roommates bitching me out because his computer wasn't connecting to our wireless network. i updated the firmware the other night (in an attempt to help my other roommates connectivity issues) and only found out this morning that he has been unable to connect since then. he was in a foul mood and pretty much tried to tear me a new one. i went up to his room, selected the network and it worked fine .. he just didn't know what the hell he was doing and instead of asking for help, took out his frustration on me. like i don't get enough of that at work already.

so, then, i get to work - late - and my boss, who has been on vacation for three weeks is on the phone b/c she can't get her computer at home to work and *she* is pissed. never a fun time. another constant excercise in having a person pile their shit on me and having to let it roll off. i wasn't so good at that today.

this all followed up by drama with Madhavi around the potential discomfort about her and zack being around me and all the anger, frustration and pain that is resurfacing because of it. Fuck it. Just fuck everything.

and so after talking with her for a long time about, essentially, the little bits of hell you have to deal with in the post-break-up of a relationship ...

(okay, kendra just called to see how i was doing and that's just the best thing anyone has done for me all day. kendra rocks, hands down).

so, after madhavi and i got off the phone, i started writing to zack. there was no "is this the right thing?" and no "do i really want to do this?" ... it just was. It was for me, it was for madhavi and it was for zack. he and i are going to meet tomorrow afternoon to say what has to be said. to hear what has to be heard. there's a year and a half of anger, frustration, hurt, distrust and avoidance to voice.

and how do i feel? odd. excited. scared. i'm so looking forward to the intensity because i can handle it and that intensity isn't what you may think it is. that intensity is about me bringing all of me. being wide fucking open and real, owning my shit and not backing away from honest emotions. this is like the prime rib of experience, the caviar. okay, wait .. i don't like prime rib or caviar ... this is the Annie's alfredo Mac&Cheese with broccoli of experiences. someplace so fucking raw and real and i get to bring all that i'm learning about myself ... i get to be me.

and i'm totally open to walking away and leaving a lot of this shit behind. i can't say i'm pushing for that. i'm not pushing for anything but the experience. the motivation is to honor the relationship madhavi and i have been working on. she has made a request of me. it may not be the timing i would choose and it may not be something that i *want* to do. but i'm going to. friends that are worth their weight, do hard things for each other.

i know some men who would give me a hard time for not sticking to my guns. fuck guns. life is about relationships to yourself and to others. relationships involve compromise. this is a compromise i'm choosing to make and i'll accept and own if it blows up in my face. i figure the worst that could happen is that nothing changes.

does it sound like i'm trying to convince myself? perhaps a little. i'll let you know how it goes.

and looking back, i have to say there were some good parts to my day. i had a good talk with cynthia at work. she's one of my favorite people though she doesn't know it. i just really respect and admire her and it always feels good to connect with her about life outside the world of work. the second good thing was my class tonight.

i'm in a improv comedy workshop and it is just so fucking great and so much fun. i wouldn't have done it, but it was one of my arete commitments and i'm very glad it is. tonight we did this one excercise called "Playbook" where there are 3 actors and one of them has a script and randomly chooses a character and page. the other two players start any old scene and then the script reader comes in and uses the script whenever they speak. the non-scripted players have to react as if whatever is said fits the scene and is real. anyway ... the scene i did was hilarious and was uncanny at how perfect the script went with the scene that was chosen (but in a really twisted way). I really needed to laugh like that.

we also passed around pieces of paper and wrote stories/letters/poems one word at a time. this is how mine came back:

Note to Friend:

Dear Todd,
I want you to stop saying bad lies about angie. you are the biggest fucking zoologist here. Gay? Probably!