up late.
can't sleep.
i was hanging out with my friend marie tonight from LIT
we got to talking about life and what we want
i've been cognizant these past few days of a perspective shift
i first became aware of it in regards to these exams i have coming up
my expression to others about them and studying had been focused entirely on how hard they are and how much work it is. there was some underlying need to be recognized for all that i am doing and some semi-conscious desire to prove something by that relating.
this isn't an unfamiliar pattern and one that i know i've picked up from others in my life as it seems pretty common to hear a lot of people talk about 'how bad they've got it'. there's some odd bonding around how 'shit ain't right'.
over the weekend, when i was talking to prudence, we talked about how language and other forms of communication create our reality ... and it occured to me that the way i was talking about these exams and studying, things like: "i don't know how i'm going to get ready for this," and "i can't believe how much work i have to do" (etc.) was not serving me at all.
so i decided to change my frame of reference, my perspective. at least internally. and i started telling myself how i was going to get the work done and i was going to do well on the exam.
it's made a difference. i feel more positive and sure of myself. it hasn't effected my motivation to study or my focus yet, but i think that that is possible.
since then, i've started to apply that to the rest of my life.
yes, i know, this is an age old concept - the power of positive thinking - but i'd like to take it one step further. and that is to create the life that i want by creating that possibility in my mind and in my language.
in talking with marie tonight, i had this thought about work. one of the things that i know i want is to be working alongside people who inspire me, who are inspired, and who i have fun with. in my life, these people are my friends and many of them are those in my communities. i also want to do work that i think is meaningful and making a positive impact in people's lives.
the thought was ... i am sure that there is an abundance of people in my communities who are talented, motivated, inspired and unhappy in their work. is it possible ... would it be what i truly want ... to find a group of these people with various skills and start a company? it sounds so exciting. the opportunity to work with people that i respect, admire and trust. people who i know are dedicated to creating the lives that they want for themselves. people who are willing to create a company that rests on the same values we all share around integrity, inspiration, social change, honesty, service, quality ... a place of intense accountability via love and support. an environment bursting with creativity and sweat. an atmosphere of fun, hard work and relaxation - knowing when to work and when to play and when to rest.
healthy, vibrant, successful. in our lives. in our work.
it's possible, yes.
is this what i want?
shall i make it happen?
the question is ... what would it be? what is the vision that would bind us together? that ... that i don't have at this point which is an obstacle. if this is something that is meant to be, then i believe by keeping these thoughts present, something will come forward. some indication of what is to be.
regardless of how it comes about, what i wrote about above encompasses a lot of what i want in a work environment. i am open to that looking a number of different ways and i am excited to get even more clear on what it is i want.
time to stop focusing so much on what i don't want and more so on what i do want. i think it's important to know what i don't want, but not to focus on it.
if our thoughts do indeed create our reality ... then it's time to focus forward and make room for that reality to unfold.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
tick tock
i'm in the final days of my masters degree program in industrial/organizational psychology. i graduate in a month. but before then, i have the most challenging set of exams i've ever taken. they happen next tuesday and i'm not yet ready. the next several days will be the final push to synthesize, memorize, utilize and jazzercize 100 research papers and books on 6 major topic areas in the field of I/O Pscyhology.
it's been interesting to plow through piles and piles of research on various topics and a bit refreshing to see, now, how they all fit together in some degree. i'm not pleased with the fact that i have to "remember" who said what and when they said it b/c that's not a real-world application. in the real world, you can look that shit up ... the real test is whether or not i understand what the research says, what the limitations are and how to apply it.
if you don't see or hear from me very much in the next little while, think of me. i'll be studying. if you *do* hear from me or see me, i'm either procrastinating, taking a break or delusional. :)
in other news (briefly) ... i'm feeling much better this week in regards to my emotional state. much more positive, open, optimistic, well. things feel manageable again and i feel like i can really look at what's coming up for me in a peaceful and inquisitive manner - rather than just being held down by it.
alright ... getting back to work ... i'm pretty sure i'll write more in the next few days as i am brimming with all these thoughts and ideas around what's happening in LIT right now and self-openings and inspirations ...
until then ... whenever that may be ...
it's been interesting to plow through piles and piles of research on various topics and a bit refreshing to see, now, how they all fit together in some degree. i'm not pleased with the fact that i have to "remember" who said what and when they said it b/c that's not a real-world application. in the real world, you can look that shit up ... the real test is whether or not i understand what the research says, what the limitations are and how to apply it.
if you don't see or hear from me very much in the next little while, think of me. i'll be studying. if you *do* hear from me or see me, i'm either procrastinating, taking a break or delusional. :)
in other news (briefly) ... i'm feeling much better this week in regards to my emotional state. much more positive, open, optimistic, well. things feel manageable again and i feel like i can really look at what's coming up for me in a peaceful and inquisitive manner - rather than just being held down by it.
alright ... getting back to work ... i'm pretty sure i'll write more in the next few days as i am brimming with all these thoughts and ideas around what's happening in LIT right now and self-openings and inspirations ...
until then ... whenever that may be ...
Monday, April 24, 2006
a collection of thoughts
i feel so blessed to be involved in the communities that i am involved with. rather, i am grateful to be in the presence of people i respect and admire, who inspire me and teach me, who accept me and reflect me. i had very interesting experiences this weekend. the days were long and uncomfortable - i struggled with intense feelings of loneliness and distraction, being off-centered and depressed (much more so on saturday than on sunday). this, of course, just added to my frustration at having a limited focus on the work i was trying to get done. i took a lot of walks, which were helpful.
the nights, however, were fantastic. friday night i danced with friends and was able to let go of everything and feel joy and lightness. saturday night was even better as i spent hours and hours just connecting with old friends and new ... feeling so free of everything that has been weighing me down lately. i had a clearing conversation with one friend, helped another friend work through some physical pain with my massage, and spent hours lying on cushions in front of the fire talking with various people. i especially enjoyed talking with this woman, prudence, who was a friend of a friend whom i had never met. not only did we have great and fun conversations, but it also wasn't laden with everything that i've been working through lately and it was so refreshing to let go of that for awhile.
we spoke a lot about language and spirituality and different forms of expression. one of the shifts i felt was when i let in the idea about how we can create our own realities. do you ever have the experience where you re-encounter ideas and concepts that you know and agree/disagree with at some level and, for whatever reason, they sink in to a deeper level of understanding? that’s what happened for me around this. it occurred to me how much ability i have to shape my physical, emotional, spiritual environment. having been plagued by so many negative thoughts lately has been oppressive. the challenge I find is creating positive thoughts to replace them.
i’ve also had some relieving talks with ahmi lately. we spoke thursday, friday and saturday last week – each time i felt closer and closer to her again. each time brought me relief in the pain i was feeling about the chasm that had broken between us. each time i felt the friendship that i knew was there and have been wanting so intensely. these experiences have allowed me to sink into another level of acceptance and raise up a level out of my rut. it is all feeling much better right now.
there are still emotional obstacles to face … a lot of them are my own demons. one of the things that is hard to deal with is thinking that as people in my community see ahmi out at parties being flirtatious or intimately engaged with other people, they will think I wasn't good enough. and again – there is that frustration with being so wrapped up into external validation and caring so much what others think of me.
another insight is that the loss i feel is partially because i had such intimate connections with someone that so many others desire. now that I’m not in that same dynamic with her and can see her exploring that with others, i feel less special. i feel seen by others as a failure and, again, not good enough. that wound is so fucking pervasive.
when i look in the mirror lately, i see someone who likes they have been through a war. i feel like i have been; the life in my eyes seems so distant. and it's great to say that there were times this weekend where I felt so happy and free of burden, that i almost forgot what it felt like. how fucking refreshing. something shifted. made room for me to have a fuller experience of who i am ... not just that part of me that needed or wanted to feel the pain.
It’s disconcerting to realize that there is something about depression that pulls me in. I notice where I refrain from commenting that I feel really good right now in case I feel bad again later. There is some association in my being that says if I am feeling good, people go away – they think I don’t need them. Whereas, when I am feeling blue, people check in on me, come to me without me having to reach out all the time. That is a big issue for me … feeling like I have to be the person to reach out to others in order to spend time with anyone. It seems that if I didn’t call anyone, I could easily be at home alone for weeks before anyone thought to invite me to do something.
That’s one of the many draws to wanting a relationship. Because there is someone who is my companion, who chooses me, who wants to spend time with me often.
It’s not that I think that people don’t want to spend time with me. It’s just been years since I’ve felt like I’m on people’s “A” list. It’s been years since I feel like I’ve had best friends that weren’t also my partner.
And when I am feeling down and let that be known, I notice that dynamic change. People call me or write me to see what’s happening, how I am doing.
I so don’t want to post this. This feels ugly and self-pitying. I’m not intending to write it in that tone, it’s more a matter of fact account of how I’ve felt. But I don’t like that that is how I feel. It makes it so much harder going through a transition like this with ami, to see her as one of those incredibly magnetic people who has the exact opposite issue … too many people want something from her. She struggles to make time for herself and everyone she wants to connect with.
There’s so much I could say about all this stuff coming up for me. It’s not the first time, that’s for sure. I feel like I need to find some acceptance and peace around the fact that, right now, I don’t have friends calling me everyday “just because” … and, even though I very much know that doesn’t mean that they don’t love me, I want to resolve what is behind all that for myself that makes me feel so alone.
I also cringe at thinking that those friends who read this will be motivated to reach out. I have this strange aversion to asking for things like this and feel terrible if people reach out, not because they want to, but because I want them to.
There’s something. Whatever part of me that wants validation from others wants it without asking for it. It all comes back to this deep desire to feel wanted. God, I want to fill whatever those holes are within me with my own self. i don’t want to depend on others for my feelings of self-worth.
Is that common? How much of that is just a part of being human? What part of that is healthy vs. unhealthy? Another realization is how quickly I jump on that notion of needing others and judge it as bad, like I should be able to do it all on my own. Maybe that’s the thought pattern that needs to relax a bit.
Mostly I can just trust what my instincts say – which is that there is a balance to it all. I can’t depend on others to validate me, but I can accept and ask for that at times for reminders and reflection. There’s some line between being contributed to and being dependent upon. I don’t think I’m all that dependent on others for this, but I also feel like there is some room for exploration around it all.
Once again, this has gone on much longer than anticipated. And I didn’t even get to talk about how much I want school to be OVER! I’ll leave that one for tomorrow or the next day. For now, back to creating my reality with positive thoughts, abundance, health, peace and a full-fucking-nights sleep!
the nights, however, were fantastic. friday night i danced with friends and was able to let go of everything and feel joy and lightness. saturday night was even better as i spent hours and hours just connecting with old friends and new ... feeling so free of everything that has been weighing me down lately. i had a clearing conversation with one friend, helped another friend work through some physical pain with my massage, and spent hours lying on cushions in front of the fire talking with various people. i especially enjoyed talking with this woman, prudence, who was a friend of a friend whom i had never met. not only did we have great and fun conversations, but it also wasn't laden with everything that i've been working through lately and it was so refreshing to let go of that for awhile.
we spoke a lot about language and spirituality and different forms of expression. one of the shifts i felt was when i let in the idea about how we can create our own realities. do you ever have the experience where you re-encounter ideas and concepts that you know and agree/disagree with at some level and, for whatever reason, they sink in to a deeper level of understanding? that’s what happened for me around this. it occurred to me how much ability i have to shape my physical, emotional, spiritual environment. having been plagued by so many negative thoughts lately has been oppressive. the challenge I find is creating positive thoughts to replace them.
i’ve also had some relieving talks with ahmi lately. we spoke thursday, friday and saturday last week – each time i felt closer and closer to her again. each time brought me relief in the pain i was feeling about the chasm that had broken between us. each time i felt the friendship that i knew was there and have been wanting so intensely. these experiences have allowed me to sink into another level of acceptance and raise up a level out of my rut. it is all feeling much better right now.
there are still emotional obstacles to face … a lot of them are my own demons. one of the things that is hard to deal with is thinking that as people in my community see ahmi out at parties being flirtatious or intimately engaged with other people, they will think I wasn't good enough. and again – there is that frustration with being so wrapped up into external validation and caring so much what others think of me.
another insight is that the loss i feel is partially because i had such intimate connections with someone that so many others desire. now that I’m not in that same dynamic with her and can see her exploring that with others, i feel less special. i feel seen by others as a failure and, again, not good enough. that wound is so fucking pervasive.
when i look in the mirror lately, i see someone who likes they have been through a war. i feel like i have been; the life in my eyes seems so distant. and it's great to say that there were times this weekend where I felt so happy and free of burden, that i almost forgot what it felt like. how fucking refreshing. something shifted. made room for me to have a fuller experience of who i am ... not just that part of me that needed or wanted to feel the pain.
It’s disconcerting to realize that there is something about depression that pulls me in. I notice where I refrain from commenting that I feel really good right now in case I feel bad again later. There is some association in my being that says if I am feeling good, people go away – they think I don’t need them. Whereas, when I am feeling blue, people check in on me, come to me without me having to reach out all the time. That is a big issue for me … feeling like I have to be the person to reach out to others in order to spend time with anyone. It seems that if I didn’t call anyone, I could easily be at home alone for weeks before anyone thought to invite me to do something.
That’s one of the many draws to wanting a relationship. Because there is someone who is my companion, who chooses me, who wants to spend time with me often.
It’s not that I think that people don’t want to spend time with me. It’s just been years since I’ve felt like I’m on people’s “A” list. It’s been years since I feel like I’ve had best friends that weren’t also my partner.
And when I am feeling down and let that be known, I notice that dynamic change. People call me or write me to see what’s happening, how I am doing.
I so don’t want to post this. This feels ugly and self-pitying. I’m not intending to write it in that tone, it’s more a matter of fact account of how I’ve felt. But I don’t like that that is how I feel. It makes it so much harder going through a transition like this with ami, to see her as one of those incredibly magnetic people who has the exact opposite issue … too many people want something from her. She struggles to make time for herself and everyone she wants to connect with.
There’s so much I could say about all this stuff coming up for me. It’s not the first time, that’s for sure. I feel like I need to find some acceptance and peace around the fact that, right now, I don’t have friends calling me everyday “just because” … and, even though I very much know that doesn’t mean that they don’t love me, I want to resolve what is behind all that for myself that makes me feel so alone.
I also cringe at thinking that those friends who read this will be motivated to reach out. I have this strange aversion to asking for things like this and feel terrible if people reach out, not because they want to, but because I want them to.
There’s something. Whatever part of me that wants validation from others wants it without asking for it. It all comes back to this deep desire to feel wanted. God, I want to fill whatever those holes are within me with my own self. i don’t want to depend on others for my feelings of self-worth.
Is that common? How much of that is just a part of being human? What part of that is healthy vs. unhealthy? Another realization is how quickly I jump on that notion of needing others and judge it as bad, like I should be able to do it all on my own. Maybe that’s the thought pattern that needs to relax a bit.
Mostly I can just trust what my instincts say – which is that there is a balance to it all. I can’t depend on others to validate me, but I can accept and ask for that at times for reminders and reflection. There’s some line between being contributed to and being dependent upon. I don’t think I’m all that dependent on others for this, but I also feel like there is some room for exploration around it all.
Once again, this has gone on much longer than anticipated. And I didn’t even get to talk about how much I want school to be OVER! I’ll leave that one for tomorrow or the next day. For now, back to creating my reality with positive thoughts, abundance, health, peace and a full-fucking-nights sleep!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
path and purpose
This was read to us in our Leadership Training recently. It's a piece from The Teachings of Don Juan:
Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.
This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.
Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.
I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know.
The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing.
For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly.
Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.
This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.
Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.
I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know.
The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing.
For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly.
Friday, April 21, 2006
relief
what began as an intent for a quick hello over IM with Ami yesterday turned into a four hour conversation. some of it was just talking and relating, most of it was processing, which is to be expected to some extent. the topic was mostly around the creation of friendship ... if and how that is possible and what allows that to happen. is it time apart? is it clarity of boundaries? what is a clean break?
i know i want her in my life as a close friend. i also know that i need to be clear on the distinctions of that (what i want in friendship, what she wants). it feels good to have had some time connecting and getting more clear and explicit about all of that.
she has a lack of trust in me being honest with myself right now. that's hard to hear and a great challenge at the same time. i feel very clear around that which i feel clear about. the question is ... am i lying to myself about anything? if so, what? is there anything i am hiding from?
what i feel right now is no need to rush into anything and also no need to hide from anything. one of her concerns is that she wants to not hold things back from her friends, which means, if we were friends, she would be telling me about all her exploration right now. she wonders if i can and should handle that. for me, it doesn't feel like it makes a difference. i know, generally, that she is open to and is exploring things with other people right now. i may not know the specifics, but does that make a difference? i don't claim that it wouldn't be hard at first to hear about stuff more specifically. but the value in going through that experience for me is in creating the reality that is. what i know about myself is that i function with honesty and "knowing" much better than leaving things up to my imagination.
and that's one of the things i will sit with and really explore what feels okay to me and what doesn't.
one of the things i've been wanting most is to be in communication with her, to relate. it feels really good to have had that last night. it helps alleviate a lot of the pain of wanting that so much and not having it.
my primary focus is still on my own healing. i haven't felt capable of that the past couple days, but today i feel more positive about it.
step 1.
address these feelings of loneliness so that when i spend time with people, it's not about filling some holes in me, but just spending time with them.
it's about getting back in touch with that place within me that knows i am whole, joyful, alive.
and the big question i have for myself is: is there any part of me that is holding onto the pain for unhealthy reasons? is there some reason that i want it around? am i inflating it at all for attention or sympathy?
i have to look deep to discover the answers to those questions. in what i have found thus far, it is all genuine. it is also a mixture of stuff that is more that just ami and i separating. it has stirred up a lot of other things that also need healing.
i don't really know how to do it, but i trust i'll find my way.
it occurs to me that because i have been using this space to write about the hardest things, that it may seem as if that is the totality of my experience. yet, like any of my journals, i tend to write about the hard stuff and leave out the good. more on this later ... i am having some insights on some other stuff now but need to get back to work.
i know i want her in my life as a close friend. i also know that i need to be clear on the distinctions of that (what i want in friendship, what she wants). it feels good to have had some time connecting and getting more clear and explicit about all of that.
she has a lack of trust in me being honest with myself right now. that's hard to hear and a great challenge at the same time. i feel very clear around that which i feel clear about. the question is ... am i lying to myself about anything? if so, what? is there anything i am hiding from?
what i feel right now is no need to rush into anything and also no need to hide from anything. one of her concerns is that she wants to not hold things back from her friends, which means, if we were friends, she would be telling me about all her exploration right now. she wonders if i can and should handle that. for me, it doesn't feel like it makes a difference. i know, generally, that she is open to and is exploring things with other people right now. i may not know the specifics, but does that make a difference? i don't claim that it wouldn't be hard at first to hear about stuff more specifically. but the value in going through that experience for me is in creating the reality that is. what i know about myself is that i function with honesty and "knowing" much better than leaving things up to my imagination.
and that's one of the things i will sit with and really explore what feels okay to me and what doesn't.
one of the things i've been wanting most is to be in communication with her, to relate. it feels really good to have had that last night. it helps alleviate a lot of the pain of wanting that so much and not having it.
my primary focus is still on my own healing. i haven't felt capable of that the past couple days, but today i feel more positive about it.
step 1.
address these feelings of loneliness so that when i spend time with people, it's not about filling some holes in me, but just spending time with them.
it's about getting back in touch with that place within me that knows i am whole, joyful, alive.
and the big question i have for myself is: is there any part of me that is holding onto the pain for unhealthy reasons? is there some reason that i want it around? am i inflating it at all for attention or sympathy?
i have to look deep to discover the answers to those questions. in what i have found thus far, it is all genuine. it is also a mixture of stuff that is more that just ami and i separating. it has stirred up a lot of other things that also need healing.
i don't really know how to do it, but i trust i'll find my way.
it occurs to me that because i have been using this space to write about the hardest things, that it may seem as if that is the totality of my experience. yet, like any of my journals, i tend to write about the hard stuff and leave out the good. more on this later ... i am having some insights on some other stuff now but need to get back to work.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
nonsense
And some moments, when i push aside the veils of my worldly attachments to people and things ... and see and feel the constant state of change and impermanence, of connection and unity ... in those moments, i feel peace. lately, these moments only last a short while, but i appreciate them.
this is hard.
Siddhartha bent down, lifted a stone from the ground and held it in his hand. "This," he said, handling it, "is a stone, and within a certain length of time it will perhaps be soil and from the soil it will become a plant, animal or man. Previously I should have said: This stone is just a stone; it has no value, it belongs to the world of Maya, but perhaps because within the cycle of change it can also become man and spirit, it is also of importance. That is what I should have thought. But now I think: This stone is stone; it is also animal, God and Buddha. i do not respect and love it because it was one thing and will become something else, but because it has already long been everything and always is everything. I love it just because it is a stone, because today and now it appears to me a stone...But I will say no more about it. Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another."
this is hard.
Siddhartha bent down, lifted a stone from the ground and held it in his hand. "This," he said, handling it, "is a stone, and within a certain length of time it will perhaps be soil and from the soil it will become a plant, animal or man. Previously I should have said: This stone is just a stone; it has no value, it belongs to the world of Maya, but perhaps because within the cycle of change it can also become man and spirit, it is also of importance. That is what I should have thought. But now I think: This stone is stone; it is also animal, God and Buddha. i do not respect and love it because it was one thing and will become something else, but because it has already long been everything and always is everything. I love it just because it is a stone, because today and now it appears to me a stone...But I will say no more about it. Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
struggling.
i want to sit here and write tales of healing and inspiration,
of feeling on top of the world,
of being alive and happy and building the life that i dream of.
i am glad to say, somedays i do feel that.
today is not one of those days.
some days are harder than others.
days go by and i start to feel like i am opening & healing,
and then another comes and crushes me. literally crushes me.
gaaaaaawwwwwwwwwdddddddddd damnit. ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!
and even that expression makes light of the feelings i have right now.
i don't know how to do this. i really don't.
why does this hurt like it did when sarah and i split up? the circumstances are so different and yet ... the emotions are so similar. that feeling of my heart - gentle, tender, deep, full - being shredded and crushed?
why is it that a woman that i have loved for just a few months can have gotten in so deep?
i guess the heart knows no time.
i don't know how to not love her as deeply as i do.
i don't know how to not want her the way i do.
i don't know how to be with those feelings.
i don't know how to watch her be in this exploration with other men so soon.
i feel like a chump.
i wish i could fool myself into thinking that i want something else.
i mean, i do want something else, don't i?
do i really want to be in pain?
do i really want to think about her all the time?
no.
and yet ... i do.
if i am to trust in the universe that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens is perfect,
why does this feel so wrong?
and why does it hurt like hell sometimes?
why does it sometimes feel okay and other times feel like i am being eviscerated?
fuck it.
really.
fuck it all.
i'm so tired of this.
i'm tired of feeling depressed.
i'm tired of feeling desperately alone when surrounded by friends.
i'm tired of being in love with a woman to whom i am just another guy.
i'm tired of waking up at 4am.
bitch bitch moan moan.
i know.
this is terribly inelegant and not the impression i want to leave the world with of me.
but, really, fuck it. this is who i am right now.
a man ... who feels broken and alone inside ... yet carries himself with as much strength and hope as he can.
who is trying desperately to let go of being some idiotic sense of perfect.
who is trying to learn who he is more and more.
who is trying to find his intrinsic source of joy and peace and live from it.
a man who is trying to be patient and have faith that better days will come and believe that he has any fucking control over that.
that he will get past this, over this ... without turning off his heart, without turning cold and bitter, without denying what is real.
so ... how do i do that?
how do i heal from this and at the same time accept that i am very much in love with this woman, that my heart is still very much attached, that my desire for connection and intimacy with her is strong ... how do i be with that and deal with the resulting pain of that attachment?
is the only solution to kill it?
i don't want to have to kill that love to be around her.
a friend was telling me today about what Nelson Mandela said was one of his greatest fears when he was imprisoned.
he said developing hatred toward his oppressors was one of those great fears.
likewise, i don't want to hate her. far from it. i love her. i love who she is at her essence.
i feel weak for not being able to just let go.
i feel strong for even being able to deal with all this in the first place.
part of me believes that the path is to increase my own self-love and that that is the source of healing.
and another part of me believes that i have a ton of self-love and that has nothing to do with all this.
another part of me strives for that perfect buddha state of being unattached and thus, without suffering.
and another recognizes that i am human, that i'm hurt and that there is nothing else to do but be with it.
i don't want to feel this way anymore.
i'm embarrassed to post this. but something Guy said tonight resonated with me. he was talking about living from one's essence and how we often resist that because it is a vulnerable place to come from. my fear is being vulnerable to any of you. my fear is of looking weak. my fear is having to convince you that i am a strong mutherfucker. my fear is that ami will see this and pull away even more.
and yet, as much as i am wary of exposing all this, i don't want to hide it either. i choose to be who i am right now, exposing my vulnerability, risking looking weak or pathetic ... and that is totally scary to me. i feel like i just want to post things that make it look like i have my shit together, like i am strong, like i am happy, like i am transforming, learning, growing. i am all that ... but not tonight.
i know that today is just a bump in the road and that it is likely that i will feel better again tomorrow.
this is cathartic for me and i don't want to hide it all (even though i really want to hide it all).
of feeling on top of the world,
of being alive and happy and building the life that i dream of.
i am glad to say, somedays i do feel that.
today is not one of those days.
some days are harder than others.
days go by and i start to feel like i am opening & healing,
and then another comes and crushes me. literally crushes me.
gaaaaaawwwwwwwwwdddddddddd damnit. ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!
and even that expression makes light of the feelings i have right now.
i don't know how to do this. i really don't.
why does this hurt like it did when sarah and i split up? the circumstances are so different and yet ... the emotions are so similar. that feeling of my heart - gentle, tender, deep, full - being shredded and crushed?
why is it that a woman that i have loved for just a few months can have gotten in so deep?
i guess the heart knows no time.
i don't know how to not love her as deeply as i do.
i don't know how to not want her the way i do.
i don't know how to be with those feelings.
i don't know how to watch her be in this exploration with other men so soon.
i feel like a chump.
i wish i could fool myself into thinking that i want something else.
i mean, i do want something else, don't i?
do i really want to be in pain?
do i really want to think about her all the time?
no.
and yet ... i do.
if i am to trust in the universe that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens is perfect,
why does this feel so wrong?
and why does it hurt like hell sometimes?
why does it sometimes feel okay and other times feel like i am being eviscerated?
fuck it.
really.
fuck it all.
i'm so tired of this.
i'm tired of feeling depressed.
i'm tired of feeling desperately alone when surrounded by friends.
i'm tired of being in love with a woman to whom i am just another guy.
i'm tired of waking up at 4am.
bitch bitch moan moan.
i know.
this is terribly inelegant and not the impression i want to leave the world with of me.
but, really, fuck it. this is who i am right now.
a man ... who feels broken and alone inside ... yet carries himself with as much strength and hope as he can.
who is trying desperately to let go of being some idiotic sense of perfect.
who is trying to learn who he is more and more.
who is trying to find his intrinsic source of joy and peace and live from it.
a man who is trying to be patient and have faith that better days will come and believe that he has any fucking control over that.
that he will get past this, over this ... without turning off his heart, without turning cold and bitter, without denying what is real.
so ... how do i do that?
how do i heal from this and at the same time accept that i am very much in love with this woman, that my heart is still very much attached, that my desire for connection and intimacy with her is strong ... how do i be with that and deal with the resulting pain of that attachment?
is the only solution to kill it?
i don't want to have to kill that love to be around her.
a friend was telling me today about what Nelson Mandela said was one of his greatest fears when he was imprisoned.
he said developing hatred toward his oppressors was one of those great fears.
likewise, i don't want to hate her. far from it. i love her. i love who she is at her essence.
i feel weak for not being able to just let go.
i feel strong for even being able to deal with all this in the first place.
part of me believes that the path is to increase my own self-love and that that is the source of healing.
and another part of me believes that i have a ton of self-love and that has nothing to do with all this.
another part of me strives for that perfect buddha state of being unattached and thus, without suffering.
and another recognizes that i am human, that i'm hurt and that there is nothing else to do but be with it.
i don't want to feel this way anymore.
i'm embarrassed to post this. but something Guy said tonight resonated with me. he was talking about living from one's essence and how we often resist that because it is a vulnerable place to come from. my fear is being vulnerable to any of you. my fear is of looking weak. my fear is having to convince you that i am a strong mutherfucker. my fear is that ami will see this and pull away even more.
and yet, as much as i am wary of exposing all this, i don't want to hide it either. i choose to be who i am right now, exposing my vulnerability, risking looking weak or pathetic ... and that is totally scary to me. i feel like i just want to post things that make it look like i have my shit together, like i am strong, like i am happy, like i am transforming, learning, growing. i am all that ... but not tonight.
i know that today is just a bump in the road and that it is likely that i will feel better again tomorrow.
this is cathartic for me and i don't want to hide it all (even though i really want to hide it all).
Sunday, April 16, 2006
i who have died am alive again today
It was a really good weekend over all. I love my friends. :)
On Friday, Ems was in town so we got a posse together and celebrated. It started at The Drunken Boat in Berkeley where my friend Z is so kind to take care of people with their culinary needs. Within moments of me beginning to tell Luna about the recent events of my life that have me in a kind of a tailspin lately, Z came over and offered his opinion on a cure for my woes. the prescription was two simple words: strip club. And when I mentioned that's a luxury a broke college student doesn't have in his future, my three fabulous companions (Ems, Luna, and J) all jumped in to say that they were going to take me and buy me lap dances. And for those of you who don't know, when three beautiful women tell you that they want to take you to a strip club and buy you lap dances, life ain't that bad. It really kinda puts things in perspective. :)
We then spent several hours drinking wine, eating, hot tubbing, picture-taking, connection-having, fun-making, bribe-collecting, innuendo-slinging, and tickle-fighting over at the barton house with the addition of other fine friends. the cavorting was so merry, that in the end, despite much anticipation, we decided not to break ourselves away from the comfort and warmth of home in order to head to the city for a strip club. so, instead, a new prescription was given. this time it was also two simple words: rain check.
truthfully, a night with friends like that is WAY better than a strip club, which means that (a) there's something wrong with me, (b) i'm getting older, or (c) friends are better than hot, scantily clad women (unless of course, your friends ARE hot, scantily clad women).
that night i got home way to late and woke up way too early to get the first day of my men's group retreat. so saturday was spent out in nature with 15 other men. it's all confidential-n-shit, so I can't tell you what we did specifically, but I can say that it involved lots of stuff i wouldn't write about anyway. ;)
there was an extended moment on the beach that afternoon when i was walking alone for awhile where everything just slipped away ... all my concerns, troubles, aches, pains, sorrow, anxiety, fear, ego ... and i just was. me, walking on the beach, totally present, totally me, totally joyful and alive, in the moment. i felt big, i felt possibility, i felt peace, i felt inspired, i felt solid. i felt free of all attachments.
i guess it's fair to say it was a spiritual moment, though it wasn't characterized with the feeling of being one with everything (that's a more common theme in moments that i recognize as spiritual). it surprises me how moments like that can just come along when i am out in nature, just walking along by myself, experiencing life.
it reminded me of this e.e. cummings poem:
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~ ee
so that's that. good weekend. finding more and more value bringing more of myself to the table in my relationships. there is part of me that is longing for some discontinuous change in my life, yet i am still very much appreciating the more gradual and predictable path i am on.
On Friday, Ems was in town so we got a posse together and celebrated. It started at The Drunken Boat in Berkeley where my friend Z is so kind to take care of people with their culinary needs. Within moments of me beginning to tell Luna about the recent events of my life that have me in a kind of a tailspin lately, Z came over and offered his opinion on a cure for my woes. the prescription was two simple words: strip club. And when I mentioned that's a luxury a broke college student doesn't have in his future, my three fabulous companions (Ems, Luna, and J) all jumped in to say that they were going to take me and buy me lap dances. And for those of you who don't know, when three beautiful women tell you that they want to take you to a strip club and buy you lap dances, life ain't that bad. It really kinda puts things in perspective. :)
We then spent several hours drinking wine, eating, hot tubbing, picture-taking, connection-having, fun-making, bribe-collecting, innuendo-slinging, and tickle-fighting over at the barton house with the addition of other fine friends. the cavorting was so merry, that in the end, despite much anticipation, we decided not to break ourselves away from the comfort and warmth of home in order to head to the city for a strip club. so, instead, a new prescription was given. this time it was also two simple words: rain check.
truthfully, a night with friends like that is WAY better than a strip club, which means that (a) there's something wrong with me, (b) i'm getting older, or (c) friends are better than hot, scantily clad women (unless of course, your friends ARE hot, scantily clad women).
that night i got home way to late and woke up way too early to get the first day of my men's group retreat. so saturday was spent out in nature with 15 other men. it's all confidential-n-shit, so I can't tell you what we did specifically, but I can say that it involved lots of stuff i wouldn't write about anyway. ;)
there was an extended moment on the beach that afternoon when i was walking alone for awhile where everything just slipped away ... all my concerns, troubles, aches, pains, sorrow, anxiety, fear, ego ... and i just was. me, walking on the beach, totally present, totally me, totally joyful and alive, in the moment. i felt big, i felt possibility, i felt peace, i felt inspired, i felt solid. i felt free of all attachments.
i guess it's fair to say it was a spiritual moment, though it wasn't characterized with the feeling of being one with everything (that's a more common theme in moments that i recognize as spiritual). it surprises me how moments like that can just come along when i am out in nature, just walking along by myself, experiencing life.
it reminded me of this e.e. cummings poem:
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~ ee
so that's that. good weekend. finding more and more value bringing more of myself to the table in my relationships. there is part of me that is longing for some discontinuous change in my life, yet i am still very much appreciating the more gradual and predictable path i am on.
jason is god
Assignment: Go to googlism.com and enter your name.
Then, read all about yourself!
jason is god
jason is that which is
jason is a therapeutic super protector
jason is not ... jason is not stupid
jason is one of new york city area's most respected
jason is possessed
jason is still here
jason is a new man
jason is a buttmuffin
jason is a sick bastard
jason is also short
jason is very correct
jason is awesome cock
jason is that which is those who are not he
jason is so happy and insane
jason is a go
jason is hostile he goes to bed every night
jason is propelled by seven dc electric thrusters that provide about 300 newtons
jason is a remotely operated vehicle
jason is currently in serious but stable condition
jason is best by 7/27/2035
jason is not likely to attack downfield
jason is helpful in advising you on the strengths and weaknesses of the offers you are getting
jason is already preparing for next year's awards
jason is one of the most muscular on the circuit as well
jason is 9 jason is 2
jason is not too bad
jason is hot
jason is going later this year
jason is currently working on his follow up to 1999's can you still feel?
jason is my boyfriend
jason is a certified master trainer for obedience and behavior modification
jason is an overemotional and extremely biased artfag social climber with a short temper and a bad habit of anthropomorphisizing household appliances
jason is the son of peaches and jesus
jason is the devil
jason is you've heard what the guys say "nathan is"
jason is back to his old tricks in an entirely new setting
jason is suddenly caught in the glare of a dozen spotlights
jason is kept under lock and key
jason is awake
jason is the total package
jason is coming over right now
Then, read all about yourself!
jason is god
jason is that which is
jason is a therapeutic super protector
jason is not ... jason is not stupid
jason is one of new york city area's most respected
jason is possessed
jason is still here
jason is a new man
jason is a buttmuffin
jason is a sick bastard
jason is also short
jason is very correct
jason is awesome cock
jason is that which is those who are not he
jason is so happy and insane
jason is a go
jason is hostile he goes to bed every night
jason is propelled by seven dc electric thrusters that provide about 300 newtons
jason is a remotely operated vehicle
jason is currently in serious but stable condition
jason is best by 7/27/2035
jason is not likely to attack downfield
jason is helpful in advising you on the strengths and weaknesses of the offers you are getting
jason is already preparing for next year's awards
jason is one of the most muscular on the circuit as well
jason is 9 jason is 2
jason is not too bad
jason is hot
jason is going later this year
jason is currently working on his follow up to 1999's can you still feel?
jason is my boyfriend
jason is a certified master trainer for obedience and behavior modification
jason is an overemotional and extremely biased artfag social climber with a short temper and a bad habit of anthropomorphisizing household appliances
jason is the son of peaches and jesus
jason is the devil
jason is you've heard what the guys say "nathan is"
jason is back to his old tricks in an entirely new setting
jason is suddenly caught in the glare of a dozen spotlights
jason is kept under lock and key
jason is awake
jason is the total package
jason is coming over right now
Friday, April 14, 2006
Amplification
Returning to SF from my spring break has unfortunately amplified the heartache I've been dealing with. It's frustrating and aggravating to still be in the throes of this emotional journey. I know it hasn't been that long and that broken hearts aren't known for rapid healing ... sigh ... I just ... I just hate it.
So many thoughts and feelings about all this - all the time.
Some moments I feel total love and compassion for her, really understanding where she is and what she is trying to do for herself. Other moments I am so angry that she has pulled herself away so drastically ... that the choice to end our physical intimacy wasn't supposed to end our connection and friendship. Still other moments, I get pissed at myself for being so hooked into this one human being and at the same time "getting" that this is all part of what happens when you fall madly in love with someone and then "lose" them. And then there's the jealousy and the longing. There's the missing someone who was becoming one of my best friends in the world. There's the frustration at the not knowing how to be around her and not knowing what she is thinking/feeling about all this. There's the just wanting to be connected again and not knowing why that isn't happening. There's the resistance to reaching out - not willing to put myself at risk for any more rejection. There's the faith an patience that this is not a permanent phase and that things will come around. There's the resignation and bitterness that says, "Fuck you world, I don't want any of it anymore." There's the fear of this sadness pushing other people away even more. There's the appreciation of learning all that I am learning about myself. There is the mixed emotional states that come with knowing that I just want to feel wanted. And then it comes back full circle to just having total love and compassion for her, for myself, for everything.
I also get angry at myself for being so affected by all of this. She is just one woman. Why am I so fucking hung up on her? I know, I know because I'm in love with her. I can feel how the healing process is starting to harden me against her and I hate that.
I just don't know what to do. She isn't really reaching out to me and I feel like it would just be futile for me to reach out to her. I don't get it. I have to trust that behind all this distance, she is still the woman that I fell in love with and who, until recently, told me again and again how much she loved me ... how much I didn't even know how much she loved me. The woman i had the ability to open again and again just by being me. It feels as if that has all changed, and yet I resist believing that.
I guess the key is to just continue being and have patience for this transition period to play out. Perhaps we'll be close again, perhaps not. I would consider it a great loss if we aren't able to be involved in each others lives in a deep and intimate way. Right now, I just have to wait for her to be ready to want to connect again. I'm done with chasing.
I'm trying, I really am trying to balance all of these feelings. I know that everything I am feeling right now comes from this place of love. The fact that I feel unable to express that pisses me off, saddens me, and confuses me. And so I write about it here when I just can't sit with it anymore. I make it public to be honest about who I am right now. I go through parts of the day when I feel so numb and apathetic and then I notice that the numbness is just a desensitization of the overwhelm of emotion. I feel like i should be able to "just get over it," but it's not that simple. fuckin' hell.
i want a birds-eye view of it all so i can just understand what this is all about. why are things the way they are right now? is this the way it is supposed to be? is this the way it has to be? is this what she wants? is this what i need? is the love still there? is the friendship still there? am i supposed to just surrender to it all or am i supposed to be taking emotional risks to create what i want?
i don't know. i just don't know. i know what i want, and i don't know what to do about that - or if i am supposed to do anything.
So many thoughts and feelings about all this - all the time.
Some moments I feel total love and compassion for her, really understanding where she is and what she is trying to do for herself. Other moments I am so angry that she has pulled herself away so drastically ... that the choice to end our physical intimacy wasn't supposed to end our connection and friendship. Still other moments, I get pissed at myself for being so hooked into this one human being and at the same time "getting" that this is all part of what happens when you fall madly in love with someone and then "lose" them. And then there's the jealousy and the longing. There's the missing someone who was becoming one of my best friends in the world. There's the frustration at the not knowing how to be around her and not knowing what she is thinking/feeling about all this. There's the just wanting to be connected again and not knowing why that isn't happening. There's the resistance to reaching out - not willing to put myself at risk for any more rejection. There's the faith an patience that this is not a permanent phase and that things will come around. There's the resignation and bitterness that says, "Fuck you world, I don't want any of it anymore." There's the fear of this sadness pushing other people away even more. There's the appreciation of learning all that I am learning about myself. There is the mixed emotional states that come with knowing that I just want to feel wanted. And then it comes back full circle to just having total love and compassion for her, for myself, for everything.
I also get angry at myself for being so affected by all of this. She is just one woman. Why am I so fucking hung up on her? I know, I know because I'm in love with her. I can feel how the healing process is starting to harden me against her and I hate that.
I just don't know what to do. She isn't really reaching out to me and I feel like it would just be futile for me to reach out to her. I don't get it. I have to trust that behind all this distance, she is still the woman that I fell in love with and who, until recently, told me again and again how much she loved me ... how much I didn't even know how much she loved me. The woman i had the ability to open again and again just by being me. It feels as if that has all changed, and yet I resist believing that.
I guess the key is to just continue being and have patience for this transition period to play out. Perhaps we'll be close again, perhaps not. I would consider it a great loss if we aren't able to be involved in each others lives in a deep and intimate way. Right now, I just have to wait for her to be ready to want to connect again. I'm done with chasing.
I'm trying, I really am trying to balance all of these feelings. I know that everything I am feeling right now comes from this place of love. The fact that I feel unable to express that pisses me off, saddens me, and confuses me. And so I write about it here when I just can't sit with it anymore. I make it public to be honest about who I am right now. I go through parts of the day when I feel so numb and apathetic and then I notice that the numbness is just a desensitization of the overwhelm of emotion. I feel like i should be able to "just get over it," but it's not that simple. fuckin' hell.
i want a birds-eye view of it all so i can just understand what this is all about. why are things the way they are right now? is this the way it is supposed to be? is this the way it has to be? is this what she wants? is this what i need? is the love still there? is the friendship still there? am i supposed to just surrender to it all or am i supposed to be taking emotional risks to create what i want?
i don't know. i just don't know. i know what i want, and i don't know what to do about that - or if i am supposed to do anything.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I wish I was the moon tonight
new york has been great. so good to see old friends and pick up as if we saw each other last week instead of 9 years ago. and there is something refreshing about the attitude the people in this city have, there's an abrasiveness about it that is both comforting and annoying. there is certainly nothing like nyc in the world that i've ever experienced. it feels as if the city has become more cosmopolitan, however. the abundance of young, beautiful people with 'attitude' is plainly obvious. not that i am complaining at looking at beautiful people, but the "i'm too cool for even myself-ness" about many of them is both alluring and obnoxious. in others, there is a tangible honesty in just being who they are. one thing is for sure, there are lots of people in this city and i haven't yet tired of observing them all.
on friday night we went to see Neko Case at webster hall in the village. girls got a voice. it was a great show and i was very impressed with the sound at the venue, its not often you can see a show these days in a smallish venue where the voice and band are crystal clear and mixed perfectly. her voice seems to convey a distinct personality, one that is lonely and pained yet strong willed and defiant. it made me a little sad to listen to her - mostly because i was introduced to her music via ami singing to me in the car. there's still a lot of heartache there for me.
saturday night i decided to head down to the south street seaport museum to see "Bodies: The Exhibition." i'd heard about this exhibit for awhile and was going to go see it in san francisco until i found out that the one in san francisco was a different show called 'the universe within' and that it didn't hold a candle to the one here in NY. the wait was well worth it. amazing. the exhibit begins gently with the skeletal system. the bodies have been plasticized and displayed in various forms, either whole bodies or segments of. from skeletons, you move into the muscular system and are able to view multiple layers of muscle and tendon throughout the body. from there, the nervous system - where they have somehow been able to remove the entire nervous system from the body and lay it out in a case. the same for the vascular system, where there are full body exhibits of just veins and arteries as well as highlights of various body segments. and on to the organs, the reproductive system ...
it's a profound experience and i'm not sure that i can really describe how it has impacted me. to see, so clearly, the utter complexity and delicacy of our bodies and yet to know how resilient we are. having the opportunity to take this knowledge and be able to visualize it, to see how masterfully we are put together, how all of our systems are physically related in three dimensions, to see the effects on the body of disease and aging, the various forms of human development in utero ... it's a wonder we are able to survive the way we do. i highly recommend checking it out and add the disclaimer that it may make you a little nauseous at first.
in other news, i got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and went to the airport for my 9am flight ... only to learn that my 9am flight is tomorrow morning. whoops. but at least that left me with this beautiful, sunny extra day in NY. i spent a lot of it just walking around, checking people out, clearing my head for the final push for my graduate school career. i feel like i have been gone for so long in many respects, and yet so much of what was going on for me when i left is still so present.
i look forward to my bed. i look forward to reconnecting with friends. i look forward to getting my head back into LIT and putting into practice all that i am learning right now.
"How will you know if you found me at last
'Cause i'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight" ~neko case
on friday night we went to see Neko Case at webster hall in the village. girls got a voice. it was a great show and i was very impressed with the sound at the venue, its not often you can see a show these days in a smallish venue where the voice and band are crystal clear and mixed perfectly. her voice seems to convey a distinct personality, one that is lonely and pained yet strong willed and defiant. it made me a little sad to listen to her - mostly because i was introduced to her music via ami singing to me in the car. there's still a lot of heartache there for me.
saturday night i decided to head down to the south street seaport museum to see "Bodies: The Exhibition." i'd heard about this exhibit for awhile and was going to go see it in san francisco until i found out that the one in san francisco was a different show called 'the universe within' and that it didn't hold a candle to the one here in NY. the wait was well worth it. amazing. the exhibit begins gently with the skeletal system. the bodies have been plasticized and displayed in various forms, either whole bodies or segments of. from skeletons, you move into the muscular system and are able to view multiple layers of muscle and tendon throughout the body. from there, the nervous system - where they have somehow been able to remove the entire nervous system from the body and lay it out in a case. the same for the vascular system, where there are full body exhibits of just veins and arteries as well as highlights of various body segments. and on to the organs, the reproductive system ...
it's a profound experience and i'm not sure that i can really describe how it has impacted me. to see, so clearly, the utter complexity and delicacy of our bodies and yet to know how resilient we are. having the opportunity to take this knowledge and be able to visualize it, to see how masterfully we are put together, how all of our systems are physically related in three dimensions, to see the effects on the body of disease and aging, the various forms of human development in utero ... it's a wonder we are able to survive the way we do. i highly recommend checking it out and add the disclaimer that it may make you a little nauseous at first.
in other news, i got up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and went to the airport for my 9am flight ... only to learn that my 9am flight is tomorrow morning. whoops. but at least that left me with this beautiful, sunny extra day in NY. i spent a lot of it just walking around, checking people out, clearing my head for the final push for my graduate school career. i feel like i have been gone for so long in many respects, and yet so much of what was going on for me when i left is still so present.
i look forward to my bed. i look forward to reconnecting with friends. i look forward to getting my head back into LIT and putting into practice all that i am learning right now.
"How will you know if you found me at last
'Cause i'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight" ~neko case
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
all about my mother
tuesday i spent most of the morning going through some boxes of my stuff that have been stored here with my mom for the past 5+ years. it was a fun little trip down memory lane and i found a lot of the things i've been wondering about for some time. things like:
-the entire set (minus one) of the Empire Strikes Back collectors cards that i got piece by piece as a kid
-two bags of marbles i used to play/compete with in 4th grade on the playground in maine
-my high school yearbook
-notebooks from high school and college with many unfinished letters to lovers and women i was interested in
-lists of cassette mixes i used to make for friends (i used to make a LOT of mix tapes!)
-a print out of all the saved emails from when i first started emailing back in college, including a lot of correspondence with Chrissy, my girlfriend of 3 years back in school
-photos i took, printed and mounted in high school (most of them are *horrible*)
-tapes of old bands
-and a whole lotta junk!
i wish i had the time to read all the old short stories i used to write as there are tons of them, but that will have to wait for another day. i had forgotten how much creative writing i used to do. loads and loads of it ... notebooks filled with story ideas and brief synopsis' of stories yet to be written.
in the afternoon, i decided it was time to talk to mom some more about our relationship. i felt a lot of resistance getting into it and felt where i stood at the line between choosing to say something versus choosing to go sit behind a pile of stuff and ignore it all.
i choose to say something.
i'll start by saying that what i feel now (several hours later) is like the door has been cracked open and the ground feels very fragile. kind of like walking on hard-packed snow that collapses underneath you once in awhile and you never know when that is going to occur.
but i'd have to say it was a really good day. i aired a lot of the places where i feel like i haven't wanted to open up to her and some of the reasons behind all that. she resisted getting into it a lot at first, not wanting to expose her pain, not wanting to cry, but i kept asking questions and encouraging her to tell me how she felt and what she thought. sadness begat anger. anger begat softening. softening begat understanding.
i feel like we have a long way to go and i look forward to talking more about it tomorrow. for now, it feels good to be able to share with her, very honestly, the judgments i've had, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration ... and it's felt good to hear some of that from her.
we acknowledged that, since i began high school, we haven't really connected much and almost not at all since the divorce and my going off to college. i didn't mark the divorce as such a turning point in my life and it's hard to tell if that was more or less influential than me going off to school and living on my own for the first time. it's interesting to consider the reasons are for why our relationship is the way it is, and at the same time it doesn't really matter much - examining the past is interesting, but moving forward is what is important.
what matters is uncovering what feelings are there now and discovering where i want the relationship to be. i know that we are very different people and there have been a lot of things i have resented about her over the past 15 years. i also see where i have a lot of room to accept her for who she is, give myself the chance to get to know who she is, and not think that our relationship has to look or feel any particular way. i can see how a piece of my unconscious thought-pattern has been something like, "well, if you are not my mom who looks like a-b-c, then there's nothing there for me." perhaps that's too extreme, but something along those lines seems to land for me.
so, there's more to come and i'll write of it then. i feel a lot of mixed feelings about it all. on one hand i feel accepting of everything that has occurred and see it as what needed to happen at the time and then there is also seeing how that's not how i want to be anymore. with all of this comes the more full understanding of how much i've hurt her by being closed and unwilling to share my life with her ... co-creating the reality that she has been a mother without a son in some respects. and i can't even fully imagine what that feels like as a parent.
i still feel that some of my motivation is coming from a place of feeling like I "should" be doing this - that is, I should be open to her. i'm confused about that and it bothers me to some extent that i don't feel compelled to repair this relationship from a place of deep love. not that that is not the reason ... it may very well be, but i don't *feel* it right now. in all honesty, at this very moment, i am in this because i have some intangible belief that it will be good for me in some way .... and .... because i want to be good to my mother.
i'm not expecting any particular outcome. i see an opening and that feels great. i feel some mutual understanding and that feels great. and i still feel a lot of the disappointment, frustration and annoyances that i have felt for a long time. what is different right now is that i am not holding on to that stuff. it comes and it goes. the promise i have around this is to let go of the rigidity of how i've seen her and be more open to who she is ... all while expressing myself clearly and being honest with her about what i think and feel.
so for now ... that's where i am ... looking forward to what's next.
-the entire set (minus one) of the Empire Strikes Back collectors cards that i got piece by piece as a kid
-two bags of marbles i used to play/compete with in 4th grade on the playground in maine
-my high school yearbook
-notebooks from high school and college with many unfinished letters to lovers and women i was interested in
-lists of cassette mixes i used to make for friends (i used to make a LOT of mix tapes!)
-a print out of all the saved emails from when i first started emailing back in college, including a lot of correspondence with Chrissy, my girlfriend of 3 years back in school
-photos i took, printed and mounted in high school (most of them are *horrible*)
-tapes of old bands
-and a whole lotta junk!
i wish i had the time to read all the old short stories i used to write as there are tons of them, but that will have to wait for another day. i had forgotten how much creative writing i used to do. loads and loads of it ... notebooks filled with story ideas and brief synopsis' of stories yet to be written.
in the afternoon, i decided it was time to talk to mom some more about our relationship. i felt a lot of resistance getting into it and felt where i stood at the line between choosing to say something versus choosing to go sit behind a pile of stuff and ignore it all.
i choose to say something.
i'll start by saying that what i feel now (several hours later) is like the door has been cracked open and the ground feels very fragile. kind of like walking on hard-packed snow that collapses underneath you once in awhile and you never know when that is going to occur.
but i'd have to say it was a really good day. i aired a lot of the places where i feel like i haven't wanted to open up to her and some of the reasons behind all that. she resisted getting into it a lot at first, not wanting to expose her pain, not wanting to cry, but i kept asking questions and encouraging her to tell me how she felt and what she thought. sadness begat anger. anger begat softening. softening begat understanding.
i feel like we have a long way to go and i look forward to talking more about it tomorrow. for now, it feels good to be able to share with her, very honestly, the judgments i've had, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration ... and it's felt good to hear some of that from her.
we acknowledged that, since i began high school, we haven't really connected much and almost not at all since the divorce and my going off to college. i didn't mark the divorce as such a turning point in my life and it's hard to tell if that was more or less influential than me going off to school and living on my own for the first time. it's interesting to consider the reasons are for why our relationship is the way it is, and at the same time it doesn't really matter much - examining the past is interesting, but moving forward is what is important.
what matters is uncovering what feelings are there now and discovering where i want the relationship to be. i know that we are very different people and there have been a lot of things i have resented about her over the past 15 years. i also see where i have a lot of room to accept her for who she is, give myself the chance to get to know who she is, and not think that our relationship has to look or feel any particular way. i can see how a piece of my unconscious thought-pattern has been something like, "well, if you are not my mom who looks like a-b-c, then there's nothing there for me." perhaps that's too extreme, but something along those lines seems to land for me.
so, there's more to come and i'll write of it then. i feel a lot of mixed feelings about it all. on one hand i feel accepting of everything that has occurred and see it as what needed to happen at the time and then there is also seeing how that's not how i want to be anymore. with all of this comes the more full understanding of how much i've hurt her by being closed and unwilling to share my life with her ... co-creating the reality that she has been a mother without a son in some respects. and i can't even fully imagine what that feels like as a parent.
i still feel that some of my motivation is coming from a place of feeling like I "should" be doing this - that is, I should be open to her. i'm confused about that and it bothers me to some extent that i don't feel compelled to repair this relationship from a place of deep love. not that that is not the reason ... it may very well be, but i don't *feel* it right now. in all honesty, at this very moment, i am in this because i have some intangible belief that it will be good for me in some way .... and .... because i want to be good to my mother.
i'm not expecting any particular outcome. i see an opening and that feels great. i feel some mutual understanding and that feels great. and i still feel a lot of the disappointment, frustration and annoyances that i have felt for a long time. what is different right now is that i am not holding on to that stuff. it comes and it goes. the promise i have around this is to let go of the rigidity of how i've seen her and be more open to who she is ... all while expressing myself clearly and being honest with her about what i think and feel.
so for now ... that's where i am ... looking forward to what's next.
01:02:03 04/05/06
one surefire way to get away from your heart break (for a little while anyway) is to go to a friend’s jewish wedding, eat amazing food, drink a lot, and dance with said friend’s young, hot jewish (and non-jewish) friends. i need to marry a jewish woman. not just because i tend to be very attracted to them, but because they have the most fun weddings i’ve ever been to. this one makes three and the amount of life they give to their celebrations is inspiring ... at least in my experience.
seattle was great. i got to spend some time with some old friends from SF, reconnect with some friends i met in belize, and met some awesome new peeps ta boot. new photos are up on my site for those of you who know where to look for them.
yesterday was a lot of traveling, but i didn't mind so much. i do so love my time alone. one reason i love southwest airlines ... they don't take anything too seriously. my flight into chicago was very choppy. in the last 20 minutes it felt like the plane was fishtailing the whole way in. in the seconds leading up to and during the landing, one of the flight attendants starting singing this tune over the loud speaker (to the tune of gilligan's island):
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out of sea-at-tle,
aboard this tiny airship.
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
your cookies would be tossed, your cookies would be tossed.
And then he sang to some made-up melody:
I love you and you love me
You'll thank me for my hospitality
If you marry me, you can fly for free!
And then, when I was landing in Albany, i realized that i hadn't put any conscious thought into what it was going to be like to see my mother for the first time in almost 4 years. i was on the plane as we taxied to the gate and i just realized that i had no idea what to expect and knew that i was ready to start breaking down some big walls that have been up for a long, long time.
i remember walking toward the baggage claim where i was going to meet her feeling closed and dreading the next two days - all i could feel was how much i didn't want to be here. and then i stopped. and took a moment. and reflected back on some reading i've been doing lately in the book "The Art of Possibility". in that moment i realized i wasn't giving my mother any room to be anything other than what i had created her to be in my head over the years and decided to push that aside.
the first several moments were fine. as expected - talking about travel, the weather, food. but within what seemed like moments on the drive home, we started talking about her and my father's divorce, the specifics about the night they told my sister and i, the events leading up to that, what she was feeling about the decision before and after, how she feels about my father now .... i learned some things i never knew about the situation. i learned that she thought that i blamed her and that's why i've been so distant all these years (it makes me cry just to write that).
i asked about my reaction the night they told us. i don't remember much aside from sitting on the couch and other details like where they sat, where my sister sat and her reaction. i just remember going out and walking into the fields behind my house afterwards and sitting outside under the sky, tearless. my mother said that, in the moment, i was furious. i wouldn't let them speak. i didn't want to hear it. i recoiled into the corner of the couch telling them to shut up. and then i got up and left.
i don't remember crying about it or feeling anything about it for a couple years. one day in college it struck me that i hadn't ever felt it and i cried for a few minutes and that was it. i asked my mom what i was like after i walked out that night and she said i never said anything about it or showed any emotion ... nothing. i internalized it all and dealt with it that way.
then she asked me about ami. she didn't know what's been going on this past month. last she heard, i was madly in love and high as a kite. it was hard to visit all that and yet, not at all. i'm usually so guarded with my mom. last night i just let it all out - gave her the whole story, talked about everything i've been going through and what i've been learning, what i feel good about, what hurts like hell, what i want. and yet, i still see where i could offer more of myself in relating all that and plan to go there over these next few days.
i told her i feel like we have a lot to talk about and i don't readily know what any of that is. but i want to find out.
when we finally got home (to the house where my grandparents used to live and where i spent enough time as a child that it feels like a home i know) it was very surreal. i haven't been here in 5-6-7 years and last time i was here my grandfather was still alive. this place reminds me more of him than my grandmother, but i have so many memories of the both of them and our family in this house.
what struck me right away was that it smells exactly the same. smell is such a powerful sense. it evokes so many memories in such a unique way. the second thing i noticed is how small the place feels. almost like a doll house.
i'm staying in my grandparent's bedroom. it's weird. i pretty much never went into their room when they were alive except to wake them up from a nap or something. it's such an indescribable feeling for that to be my room for this visit and to just be *in* that space for extended periods of time.
today ... well, today is another long post to write about and i'll probably write about it later. it's late ... i just celebrated the "once in a thousand years" occurance of it being 01:02:03 o'clock on 04/05/06. i love stupid shit like that.
it's a bummer to miss my leadership training tonight and i welcome the mini-break from life back in SF.
seattle was great. i got to spend some time with some old friends from SF, reconnect with some friends i met in belize, and met some awesome new peeps ta boot. new photos are up on my site for those of you who know where to look for them.
yesterday was a lot of traveling, but i didn't mind so much. i do so love my time alone. one reason i love southwest airlines ... they don't take anything too seriously. my flight into chicago was very choppy. in the last 20 minutes it felt like the plane was fishtailing the whole way in. in the seconds leading up to and during the landing, one of the flight attendants starting singing this tune over the loud speaker (to the tune of gilligan's island):
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out of sea-at-tle,
aboard this tiny airship.
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
your cookies would be tossed, your cookies would be tossed.
And then he sang to some made-up melody:
I love you and you love me
You'll thank me for my hospitality
If you marry me, you can fly for free!
And then, when I was landing in Albany, i realized that i hadn't put any conscious thought into what it was going to be like to see my mother for the first time in almost 4 years. i was on the plane as we taxied to the gate and i just realized that i had no idea what to expect and knew that i was ready to start breaking down some big walls that have been up for a long, long time.
i remember walking toward the baggage claim where i was going to meet her feeling closed and dreading the next two days - all i could feel was how much i didn't want to be here. and then i stopped. and took a moment. and reflected back on some reading i've been doing lately in the book "The Art of Possibility". in that moment i realized i wasn't giving my mother any room to be anything other than what i had created her to be in my head over the years and decided to push that aside.
the first several moments were fine. as expected - talking about travel, the weather, food. but within what seemed like moments on the drive home, we started talking about her and my father's divorce, the specifics about the night they told my sister and i, the events leading up to that, what she was feeling about the decision before and after, how she feels about my father now .... i learned some things i never knew about the situation. i learned that she thought that i blamed her and that's why i've been so distant all these years (it makes me cry just to write that).
i asked about my reaction the night they told us. i don't remember much aside from sitting on the couch and other details like where they sat, where my sister sat and her reaction. i just remember going out and walking into the fields behind my house afterwards and sitting outside under the sky, tearless. my mother said that, in the moment, i was furious. i wouldn't let them speak. i didn't want to hear it. i recoiled into the corner of the couch telling them to shut up. and then i got up and left.
i don't remember crying about it or feeling anything about it for a couple years. one day in college it struck me that i hadn't ever felt it and i cried for a few minutes and that was it. i asked my mom what i was like after i walked out that night and she said i never said anything about it or showed any emotion ... nothing. i internalized it all and dealt with it that way.
then she asked me about ami. she didn't know what's been going on this past month. last she heard, i was madly in love and high as a kite. it was hard to visit all that and yet, not at all. i'm usually so guarded with my mom. last night i just let it all out - gave her the whole story, talked about everything i've been going through and what i've been learning, what i feel good about, what hurts like hell, what i want. and yet, i still see where i could offer more of myself in relating all that and plan to go there over these next few days.
i told her i feel like we have a lot to talk about and i don't readily know what any of that is. but i want to find out.
when we finally got home (to the house where my grandparents used to live and where i spent enough time as a child that it feels like a home i know) it was very surreal. i haven't been here in 5-6-7 years and last time i was here my grandfather was still alive. this place reminds me more of him than my grandmother, but i have so many memories of the both of them and our family in this house.
what struck me right away was that it smells exactly the same. smell is such a powerful sense. it evokes so many memories in such a unique way. the second thing i noticed is how small the place feels. almost like a doll house.
i'm staying in my grandparent's bedroom. it's weird. i pretty much never went into their room when they were alive except to wake them up from a nap or something. it's such an indescribable feeling for that to be my room for this visit and to just be *in* that space for extended periods of time.
today ... well, today is another long post to write about and i'll probably write about it later. it's late ... i just celebrated the "once in a thousand years" occurance of it being 01:02:03 o'clock on 04/05/06. i love stupid shit like that.
it's a bummer to miss my leadership training tonight and i welcome the mini-break from life back in SF.
Monday, April 03, 2006
there there
in pitch dark i go walking in your landscape.
broken branches trip me as i speak.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.
there's always a siren
singing you to shipwreck.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
steer away from these rocks
we'd be a walking disaster.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)
there there
why so green and lonely?
heaven sent you to me.
we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.
we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.
(courtesy of radiohead)
[can't stop listening to this song lately]
{just wanted to use a third set of brackets}
broken branches trip me as i speak.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.
just because you feel it doesnt mean it's there.
there's always a siren
singing you to shipwreck.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
steer away from these rocks
we'd be a walking disaster.
(don't reach out, don't reach out)
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
(there's someone on your shoulder)
there there
why so green and lonely?
heaven sent you to me.
we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.
we are accidents
waiting waiting to happen.
(courtesy of radiohead)
[can't stop listening to this song lately]
{just wanted to use a third set of brackets}
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