today - for lack of anything more interesting

best thing seen today:
- pregnant woman with a sparkly t-shirt that read: simon says: don't touch my belly

why do people think they can just touch pregnant women's bellies?

worst thing heard today:
- woman on a bench at campus talking on a cell phone: "well ... i've been thinking a lot about our relationship ..."

ouch!

best piece of advice today:
- "don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things"

i've heard that before, but it was particularly funny today

freakiest thing seen today:
- confirmation that there is this guy at school who used to be a resident at the residential program i worked at in Boston 8 years ago. this is a kid i used to have to do manual restraints on and he is now a student at my university. very unsettling.

says me

i was getting all excited to write an entry tonight and then i got all tired, so now i am going to bed. i have a lot of things to say, but i will not say them now. probably they will be said sometime this weekend. says me.

enjoy your halloween. i have decided to be costumically-lazy this year: i'm going as: Captain Costumeless!

if any of you are looking for a fast costume idea you can take one of my undeveloped thematic ideas for this year:

get a pair of cheap flip-flops
print out a small round republican and democratic logo
paste one onto each shoe and wear them somewhere on your body:

voila! ... costume in a pinch: political flip-flops.

and that's all i have to say about that.




and yes, i know it's a dumb idea ... that's why i'm not dressing up this year. i'm uninspired on the costume front.

check it

mosh

brains!

Wow. So many days, so little blogging. I swear these days are going by so quickly. And I am not at all enjoying the fact that it is *not* light out when I wake up in the morning.

I am in the middle of midterms and so you will probably not be hearing much from me in the next two weeks. I am pretty sure I can ace the exams, I just need to keep putting time in for studying. Oddly enough I think Statistics is my favorite class this semester. Sigh ... whatever has become of me.

In other news, I really want a hot dog right now. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you, but about 5 minutes ago I got the biggest craving for a hot dog. I haven't had a hot dog in at least 7 years. I wonder what would Freud say about that.

In still other news, turns out my date last week did go well. We're going out again this Friday. I think that means I am officially "dating". Being a relationship kinda guy and not wanting a relationship right now, this is really new territory for me. Quite fun and interesting and weird and ... shit, who knows? I'm figuring it all out as I go. The one thing I was clear about with her is that I refuse to play any of those stupid dating games like "I'll wait precisely 2 days, 7 hours and 52 minutes before I call to say I had a good time". I never bought into the various "rules" of dating and won't now.

Okay, I'll also share that just now as I am writing about dating, something has come up for me. I started feeling uneasy about writing that I am dating and I think that is because part of me feels like I'm dating because I must not be good enough to be in a relationship with someone. This, of course, is total B.S. since I've spent 9 of the last 11+ years in long-term relationships. But, nevertheless, it's interesting to note that I associate dating with "not good enough for something permanent".

Of course other people dating is not a sign of failure ... just mine.

Noticing that this is just one of the stupid thought-patterns I come up with reminds me how ridiculous we, as humans, have become with these supposedly "advanced" brains of ours.

Which reminds me ... if you haven't seen this story yet that Ed pointed out in his blog, you MUST read it. It's terrifying and fascinating. In brief, some scientists grew a simple brain that has taught itself how to fly a plane in a flight simulator. Can you say - freaky!?

I'm going to study. Entertain me ... please!

you heard it here first

Let's see ... what was I going to write about ...

Well, let me get this out of the way: GO SOX!

I'm not a huge baseball fan anymore, but I did live in Boston for seven years, so I'm pretty pleased that the Sox came back from 3 games down to win the division. Just goes to show that people can pull things off when everyone expects them to fail.

Okay, that is probably the only time I will ever write about baseball on my blog, let alone sports.

I went out on "blind" date number two last night. I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into the "date" aspect of the night since I'm a little disillusioned with internet dating. I find that I don't like telling people that I'm going on dates with women who wrote to me over the internet. Of course, that's why I'm publically telling EVERYONE here, right?

I think it stirs up the insecurity that maybe I'm not good enough to actually meet women elsewhere or that when women meet me in person, they don't want anything to do with me.

Of course, I know these are stupid insecurities - especially when I look back at the women I have been blessed to be in relationship with.

So I had a great night and once again, have no idea if we'll see each other again or not. I like that I can go into an evening like that and not think too much about outcomes. In other words, I like having the ability to appreciate the moment and not get off-track with wondering if there will be a next time. There will be a next time if it's right for there to be a next time.

All that aside, of course, I still spent the evening going in and out of being shy, nervous, confident, distracted, totally present, engaged, disengaged, calm, anxious, excited, inspired, feeling awkward, having lots to say, having nothing to say ... and on and on.

When I wasn't all caught up in my head, it was just really comfortable spending time with this wonderful woman whom I'd never met. We have a lot in common and I apprectiated her for her intelligence, passion, presence and humor.

So ... we'll see. I believe that everyone comes into your life for a time and a purpose. Sometimes you will meet someone who is in your life for a lifetime and sometimes you will know someone for only part of a day. And though we often want things to be a certain way, there's an elegance in asking for what you want and accepting what is.

I not particularly tied to many outcomes right now ... I'm just enjoying experiencing life and seeing what comes when I don't hold on so tight.

Okay, I lied ... I do want to get A's on all my midterms next week. But other than that, I'm easy.

That's right ... you heard it here first ... I'm easy.

Hippo Birdie Emzilee!

Today is the birthday of the illustrious Emily E. And in honor of her birthday, I will write a gawd-awful poem right here and now for you all!

Ode to the Embilbee

The Embilbee, she
smite you legally, she
tickle me mercilessly, she
oh so hip-jiggily.

Turning heads beautifully, she
thoughtfully marvel thee, she
a-oooooga and wowzers
and gosh-golly gee!

I love her, that Embilbee
Fully and effortlessly
and hope oh so desperately
home she'll come eventually.

Okay, that was truly the worst poem I've ever written, but let it be known that miss Emily is worth much better.
She's the belly-dancinest, fun-havinest, side-ticklest hottie lawyer you ever did see.
She'll resolution your conflict and leave you smiling!
She'll convince you to tell her all your secrets!
And she'll lick salt off of any bare part of your body!

She really is one hell of a woman and I'm lucky to be able to call her my friend.

I miss you Emily ... come home soon!

Happy Birthday!!!

again with the men!

One step closer.

I just got home from my men's group. Tonight one of the things I brought up was this year's intention for me and, in doing so, I asked the men for feedback about how they see me in the world. Partially, I was trying to help myself define what it is I'm talking about and partially I wanted to get their opinions on what it means to be a man (vs. a boy or a "guy").

It helped.

I came away with some more ideas to focus on. One of the themes that came up is that this is about being more fully expressed. I'm perceived as someone who has a lot more inside that I don't always offer ... in other words, I hold back. When I am most fully expressed, I feel like a man. So one of my practices for the next couple weeks is to notice when I am holding back on a daily basis and to write that down.

This is similar to one of my Arete practices which was to notice when I wasn't saying things that I wanted to say ... and to say them. I'm doing pretty well with that practice, but this new one isn't limited to verbal expression.

One of the reasons I blog, in fact, is because it is confronting to be so open to an invisible audience - to give of myself for no other reason than to give of myself.

Another aspect of this journey is to develop a deeper sense of trust in myself and that I have something worthwhile to offer others. This is one of those areas that sits comfortably in my mind, but not so well in my heart -- meaning, I know it, but I don't believe it 100%.

These are just two of the things I took away from our conversation tonight. It was a good meeting - I feel pretty damn good about this group of guys. We have gotten to a place where we can push one another out of love and respect and without holding back. We challenge each other with complete support. This is probably the first time in my life (since childhood) I've had such rewarding and healthy relationships with men.

And now, instead of blathering on any more, I'm going to try to accomplish some reading before going to bed to sleep a manly sleep! [grunt]

Jill and Ruthie!!

Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill &
Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie!

Jill & Ruthie!

Saturday night at our friend's house-warming party, I spent time with Jill and Ruthie talking about blogging. They happen to be two of the small number of people who are actually reading this right now!! Blog fans. I have blog fans. Much better than Flog bans.

Anyway, in gratitude for being new and faithful readers, I will now regale you with the awesomeness of Jill and Ruthie!

Jill, as you may know, is my future roommate-to-be. If you only knew how lucky I am! Jill kicks some serious ass. She's grounded, has a huge huge heart with love for all, is doing her best to take care of this planet and better herself in the process ... she's thoughtful and fun and has a secret wild-side. Oh, and she's a total hottie!

Ruthie, well I don't know Ruthie as well as Jill, but here's what I do know: Ruthie always comes with an open heart, you can literally feel the love she has for you when talking to her. She also has that gentle calm of someone who is spiritually grounded and a tangible non-judgemental way about her. And based on the people she attracts, I can only imagine there are many more great things to learn about Ruthie! I always feel welcomed by her.

And, as I noticed this morning, I should also say hello to Juli who has just apparently been doing some j.blog catch-up and to Sonia who stops by once and awhile (Sonia is the one person I don't actually know in-person, but love reading her comments!).

And then there's Jon and Ed, the two males that I know who read my blog. They are, as of right now, in my blog posse. What up, boys?

So this is just the first of tributes to my friends who read along to see what the hell I'm up to, thinking about or observing in the world. The fact that anyone gives a hoot is a blessing.

And there are others that I've neglected to say 'thanks' to - like my mom and i think my sister reads this too sometimes (at least Andy, my brother-in-law, does and reports back to her) and ... well, I'm not sure who else.

It sure is interesting to put yourself out there in an anonymous public environment. The fact that people come up to me once and awhile to say, "hey, i read your blog" is shocking as I kinda forget that anyone is out there reading. I'm just usually writing for my own sake, but am getting used to the fact that I'm sharing things with others.

If I were still in Kindergarden, I think I would get a star next to "shares with others".

Well, that's it for now. For others that may read, you just may be regaled someday, because ... hey, why not?

man oh man!

So I've finally figured it out ... about a month behind schedule. And that's not to say that I've figured *everything* out. I'm still working on that - should be done in a week or so. No ... I've just figured *it* out.

What is *it*, you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but then again you don't have to b/c you're just reading this and I'll probably only answer the questions I pose anyway). So assuming you asked that question or don't mind being coerced into asking it ... I'll just get on with it.

Every year, on my birthday, I choose what I want to explore for the coming year. I don't do the whole "new years resolution" thing on January 1st, I do it on my birthday. That way I can claim that the whole New Year's thing is just a meaningless sham and my way is so much more important and meaningful. In reality, it's just the marker I choose.

Past years have included themes such as: finding my power & independence, spirituality, health, integrity, etc. And during the year I would simply focus on that theme and try and bring more of whatever I was looking for more into my life. Thus far, it's worked pretty well. I can say that at the end of each year, I can notice growth in whichever area I was working on. I'm not all scientific about it or anything (and trust me I can now talk to you about the merits of a good experimental design), but the results are in the eye of the beholder and I beholder some very keen eyes.

This year I couldn't figure out what I wanted to tackle. My first inclination was to make this a year of "no" ... meaning, not taking on too many things and feeling comfortable with saying "no" to requests of my time and energy when I really didn't want to do something. But that felt both a little negative and not worthy of a year's worth of intention. Besides, I now have the best trump card for any excuse I want to create ... it's called "Grad School".

Let me demonstrate:

You: Hey Jason, can you help me with "insert undesireable request here"
Me: Nope, sorry ... grad school.
You: Oh right, sorry to bother you! I won't let it happen again.
Me: No worries. Move it along now, though, you're in my light.

[NOTE: This conversation only applies to things that I don't want to do, like (a) help you lift many heavy things, (b) call your significant other back when they are pissed at you or (c) club baby seals. This does not apply if you are (a) an attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, (b) a rich attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, or (c) a rich older woman looking for someone to leave all her wealth to (some restrictions may apply). Some friends may also be exempt depending on what you've done for me lately.]

Back to the point: Last night, as I was sitting in my room, a little drunk from an improptu wine tasting test with my roommates, it came to me:

My 32nd year will be about exploring the "man" in me. (You know you've lived in San Francisco too long when ...).

What does that mean? I don't know. What I *do* know is that I'm 32 and most of the time I feel much younger. Now age is all relative, I get that, and I like feeling young a lot of the time. I look young (which I also don't always mind - most people think I am in my mid-twenties), but ... I don't know ... I feel like there's some area to grow into there.

I also get that people don't experience me as young or immature - I usually get that I am intelligent, wise, have my shit together, honest, have integrity, etc .... a lot of the qualities I would associate with being a man.

It's hard ... not knowing exactly what I'm looking for and perhaps at the end of the year, I'll discover that there was nothing to find or that I didn't want what I did find. Who knows?

I suppose I'll just have to keep you posted on what the hell I am talking about. I'm guessing there are elements in there tied to our favorite fun themes like: confidence ... power ... leadership ... assuredness ... direction ... capability ... these are all qualities I think I have, but want to a fuller degree.

You often want what it is you don't have. I'm an introvert wanting to be more extroverted. A well-balanced person looking for some chaos. In touch with my "feminine" side looking for a smack-down from my masculine side.

It's all pretty stupid when I think about it. In some ways, what does any of this matter? As I was telling Kendra this morning, I sometimes use death as motivator for perspective. During the times in my life when I am fretting about some personal quality or barrier, I think .. what would I do differently right now if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? And suddenly much better choices in how to spend my time occur. Whether I take those choices or not doesn't matter ... what does matter is the realization that I can choose to worry about this stuff or not.

In the end, it's just a challenge to better myself. It gives me something to feel good about and when I feel good about myself, I am better able to help others and to live a life worth writing about.

So this year will be about exploring what it is to be a "man" in the perspective that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd probably just go out sky-diving with a big piece of chocolate cake today instead.

The 32nd year is under way ... let's see what I can do with it.

something i will never do

reason #87 why to not wield sharp objects when half asleep:

ouch.

engaging

Been a strange weekend.

First, the news. I got a call from Madhavi this morning (for those of you who don’t know, that’s my ex-girlfriend … we split up in January. She’s been with Zack since shortly after that time and recently, they moved in together. There’s a lot more to the story, some of which you can read about in earlier entries in my blog).

Anyway … they got engaged yesterday. I’m shocked at the timing. I figured it would happen eventually, but not this soon. In many ways, I’m very happy for them both. I really am. I also have to trust that this is the right decision for her … my protective hackles went up a little bit this afternoon. I think what’s strangest for me is that this is the first time that someone I dated seriously for a long time is getting married. And because we were together not that long ago, I think there’s some transferrence in this situation – in other words, it’s made me feel a little like I’m getting married (or as if something is happening to me that I am not ready for). It’s an interesting situation to experience.

Fortunately, it’s not messing with my head or heart. It’s not making me sad or hurt, it’s just weird. I don’t know what to make of it just yet. I’m thankful that when I think of them together, it makes me happy. I’ve always wanted the best for her and if this is what she wants, then I support it 100%.

In other news, I found this out on the way back from a date. A date with a woman who wrote to me on Nerve.com. I liked her. We took her dog to the beach and talked for a couple hours. We have a lot in common and it’s a little eerie how much Ginger (her dog) is like Kaya (Madhavi’s dog). It’s hard to say if we’ll go out again or not. I made an invitation, but I couldn’t tell if she was into it or not. What feels good is my near total lack of dependency on the situation. If she wants to go out again, great! If not, I still had a good time going out with her today and there’s no feeling of loss or let-down involved. When did I become so mature?

I also had a date with someone on Friday night. This, too, was a lot of fun. We’ll probably hang out again, though I don’t know if it will ever be anything more than spending time together once and awhile. She’s an existing friend, so even if we don’t “date”, we’ll still hang out as time permits.

All that, AND I got a lot of homework done this weekend AND the weather has been absolutely gorgeous.

Fuckin’ great weekend!

coming up roses?

Life is good right now. Amazing how things shift from time to time. A little over a week ago, I was in a funk that had been lurking for awhile. I didn’t even really know how much it was affecting me until I came out of it. I swear sometimes I’m manic-depressive (except being lazy, I’m never really manic nor really depressed!) … basically, it’s interesting to watch the way I can move from one mood to another in minutes sometimes and how it may or may not be based on anything.

I’m guessing that’s just part of this unpredictable life.

What’s coming up lately is an understanding of faith. Not necessarily religious faith (which, it seems, is how many people read that word) … no, faith in terms of just trusting that what needs to happen will happen.

A few weeks ago, while I was on my two week camping trip, I spent some time writing down what it is I want in a long term partner (i.e. the woman I want to marry and/or spend the rest of my life with) and how I want to be with that person. I put it all on paper and put it out to the universe saying that the universe had a year to provide. I put it away and didn’t think about it much after that.

About 8 months ago, shortly after moving out of the home Madhavi and I created together (my ex-girlfriend of 3+ years), I created profiles on Nerve.com and Tribe (already had one on Friendster) for dating, activity partners, etc – mostly in an effort to meet some people outside my circle. I’m fortunate enough to have a big community of friends, but, at the time, I was feeling the need to meet people with different histories and lifestyles.

I only ever contacted one person and we went out a couple times, but that was about it. Since then, the profiles have remained dormant – though I go on the sites from time to time to see what people are up to.

I was telling a friend tonight that in this past week, I’ve had 4 responses to my profiles. And then I come home from that conversation and there’s a 5th.

What the hell is going on? These profiles have been around for 8 months and now, in the past 7 days, I get 5 responses!!?? I can only attribute this to random chance and/or the universe starting to get to work on my request.

Regardless, I’m not complaining. I may not be attracted to all of the women who contacted me, but I’m utterly flattered that they did. Of course, now that I am in grad school, I hardly have time for the friends that I already want to see … this, of course, is the universe laughing at me saying “Of course, I’ll provide you with what you want, but I’m not going to make it easy for you!!”

***

Okay, this is crazy. As I am writing this, I went and checked my email and theres ANOTHER person responding to me! Am I on some “profile of the day list or something??”

I’m going to bed before … before I don’t even know! I’m so confused right now!

Best thing seen today

Waiting at a crosswalk as a motorcyle and a scooter stop at the red light. The guy on the black Ducati motorcycle, dressed in a black leather jacket, jeans, black boots and a full helmet (also black) with the visor raised looks over at the guy on the older-model white Vespa scooter dressed in a blue button-down shirt, white pants, brown shoes and a white half-helmet.

The Vespa rider smiles back as the other man, with a lit cigarette angled upward out the front of his helmet nods in approval. Light turns green, and motorcycle is halfway up the hill by the time the scooter crosses the intersection.

Mighty!

I worked the door at Mighty! last night for the "end of the Love Parade" festival. Outside were the Space Cowboys and the Mog and indoors were a host of DJs laying down some deep breaks. I was perched in-between selling tickets for six and a half hours.

It was quite the experience. I would have never thought that there were so many ways that people interact with box offices. I must have sold tickets to well over 500 people last night and during that time encountered:

* the people who will come up with any story as to why you should give them a discount, among them:

"so and so outside told me to tell you to give me the ticket for $10 instead of $20"
"dude, i just drove here from Lombard, forgot my ID, went home again and then stood in line for an hour - i only got $9"
"what do i have to do to get in for free? do you want me to come back there and blow you?" (from a woman)
"if i pay for this, i won't be able to feed my dog, can you give me a break?"
"twenty bucks?! i'm cute, can i pay 10?"
"i'm a promoter"
"i know one of the djs"

* the normal people who come up, ask how much it is, take money out of their wallet and hand it to you

* the people who are so drunk that they can't see the numbers on the bills they are taking out to give you "is that a $20?"

* the friends who took double-takes when they saw it was me and jumped up and down

* the people who put a large, crumpled wad of money on the counter and then start peeling bills out one by one and leave them scattered around until they say, "there, that's 20" and wait for you to pick it all up to straighten out the bills and count it - usually they were short the full amount and usually all the other stuff that was in their pocket is all over the place too.

* the slow-moving sultry types who look you in the eye during the transaction all the while saying, "Damn, I'm cool"

* the hyped-up guys that would stick their upper torso INTO the booth to talk to you

* the generous types that paid for all their friends and refused their money

and i would think many of these people an anomaly, but most of these types of interactions happened more than once indicating that this is just how people are.

from the sound of it, you might gather that I didn't enjoy the experience, but i really did. it was a total trip and the best seat in the house for people watching. people are just freaks and this was freak-topia.

the only people who really bugged me were the ones with excuses as to why they couldn't pay. dude, if you can't pay for an event that you know costs money ... STAY HOME! and maybe you should feed your dog BEFORE YOU BUY YOUR DRUGS!

some people are, admittedly, just plain dumb.

but there is a precious balance in this world and you gotta have all kinds. i wouldn't want it any other way.

kaptain killjoy and the bout of social paralysis

Submerged in a sea of sound I sit here writing to you. The royal you. Just back from a gathering of people who have completed the Arete course at some point in the past several years, so, in essence, a room full of open, intense people. I wasn’t truly in the space for it and yet I wanted to be there.

A very unfortunate pattern for me is to get into large groups of people and become partially paralyzed by this preconceived insecurity of “how” I am supposed to be. Usually it manifests simply by me interacting with people and having absolutely nothing to say, and I am quite used to this phenomenon. What gets me is that I can have perfectly beautiful, deep and honest conversations with most of these same people in smaller group settings or in one on one conversations. There is something about large gatherings of people that keeps me from being able to really engage. I feel so “shallow” in situations like that (not that I am shallow, it’s just that I feel like my interactions are shallow).

There were so many things left unsaid in retrospect, but I literally ‘freeze-up’ in the sense that I just really can’t think of anything to say other than pretty uninterested thoughts.

It baffles me. I wonder if it’s just simply over-stimulation.

On another note, I’m really feeling good about who I am in school. I feel liked and respected by my classmates. I feel like a leader in some ways and a follower in others. I feel like I have something to say in class and no hesitation in saying it. I have taken a personal stand to support each and everyone one of the students in my program and that just feels like such a wonderful gift for me – to set aside notions of competition for the higher purpose of creating a group who is going out into the world to create positive organizational change – and to do so, we need to support one another. This is so contrary to all the previous years of my school experience and looking back at who I was 10 years ago in school really allows me to see how much I’ve changed since then. I’m so much more confident and un-shy. I still see myself as a shy person, but I recognize that that is not people’s experience of me.

(For a long time I was a “hunt and peck” typer and I just now noticed that I am not looking at the keyboard anymore when I type. I wasn’t really terribly slow before, probably faster than I am typing right now, but I didn’t notice when I had to stop looking at the keys to type. I set the intention of learning to type better without looking, but didn’t realize I had gotten there. Of course, now that I am thinking about it, I am typing like shit!)

Anyway, regardless of my state of mind for some of the evening, I actually feel pretty positive about some of my time with friends and course mates. Jill and Kendra and I spent a moment together talking about living together and when I thought about that on the way home, I got tremendously excited. So excited, I must have learned to type without knowing about it!! That household is going to kick so much serious ass I can’t even take it!

Well, it's late and I'm tired. I'm not even going to edit this for content and grammar ... so there! I'm just going to hop in bed and drift off to ssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...........

perhaps i will ....

... blog!

why is it everytime i am enthusiastic about blogging, i am unable to do it and when i have some free time, blogging is the last thing i want to do? i think it's part of that whole "want what you can't have syndrome".

what is there to say really?

* i'm still eating pie - that's good!
* our president is still an idiot - no surpise there
* even though my thumb still hurts, i found out i don't have any joint damage - phew!
* we have a new awesome roomie moving in this weekend!
* our president is STILL and idiot

so i watched the debate last night and wasn't suprised at all about how it went. they both lied a little, they both fibbed and exaggerated. what do you want from two feces-throwing children?

why oh why can't we have GOOD candidates for president? there are so many good people out there who just want to figure out how to take care of each other and our planet so we can all live long, relatively disease and corruption-free lives. but we seem intent on continuing the game. the power of greed never ceases to amaze me.