from Martha

In this Holiday season, I think it's best that we hear from our beloved Martha Stewart ... serving time for what so many have done and are doing. She, however, got caught.

Martha ... what do you have to share?

And maybe, just maybe, I actually got the html link code right this time!!??

Update:
Nope, I didn't get it right the first time! Last time I forgot the (") and this time I forgot the (=). Third times the charm right?

HTML is such a dirty little language!

Reflections and Projections

So, I've been thinking … yes, this is something I can do now that my semester is over … what is 2005 going to be about?

Some things were stirred up in my men's group the other night … some thoughts now whirling around in my head about lessons learned in 2004 and the things I want to create in 2005.

All in all, I feel pretty great. I look back at this year and have nothing to complain about. I think I carried myself more wholly than ever before. I made a lot of what I wanted to happen, happen:

I ended a long-term relationship with style and grace.
I developed new, loving friendships.
I got accepted into school and did a kick-ass job my first semester.
I intentionally built cohesion and unity among my classmates.
I began visioning and preparing for the home that will meet all my needs.
I created the job situation I wanted while in school.
I embarked on many adventures of the body, mind and spirit.
I challenged myself emotionally, physically and mentally.
I grew.
I accepted my faults and failures.
I stood up for myself when it counted most.
I loved.
I danced.
I stuck to the path that I laid before myself … the path that I wanted for myself.
I healed myself.
I loved myself.

So what's in store for ‘05?

Well, there are a number of things I want.

I am going to live more freely - less inhibited, less self-limited.
I am going to create possibility for myself to have what I want and help others have what they want.
I am going to take care of my friends, family and the planet as best I can.
I am going to continue to kick-ass in school and pave the way for the career that will allow me to help others create the change they want.
I am going to love, laugh and live deeply.
I am going to break down more walls.
I am going to speak more effectively and act more fluidly.
I am going my body to be in the best shape of my life.
I am going to sink into deeper relationships with those I love.
I am going to drum again.
I am going to stop obsessing about money and stop worrying about not having enough.
I am going to heal people.
I am going to lead people.
I am going to bring people together.

And I think all that just scratches the surface.

This year is about stepping into my greatness and laying the tracks for what I want in my life .... living in possibility and with less self-limitation ... enjoying the greater gifts in life and worrying less about the day-to-day details.

I'm trusting you to help keep me on target.

New philosophy

It's been awhile since I've posted. School whipped me into shape this year and I've been taking it easy for the past week since I've been done for the semester. It feels so good to not have to do homework everyday. Next semester is going to be even more time consuming!

But before all that happens, I'll be celebrating Xmas eve with a horde of friends, going to Harbin Hot Springs for three days/two nights, going to visit family in Florida for four days and then Costa Rica for two weeks!

I've earned it. Though I can't really afford it. Oh well. I'm alive and life is for livin'. That's my new philosophy. My next post will explain more.

gold medal!

ooh, i am so good at procrastinating, I deserve a gold medal!

in my efforts to avoid more stats review, i found this website that has the skeletal structures of cartoon characters!

Betty Boop is particularly scary.

I was thinking, "Hey, where's SpongeBob?" and then i remembered SpongeBob is a sponge and doesn't have a skeleton. Silly me.

I think my body is falling apart. My right thumb hurts at the middle joint and I didn't do anything to it. I don't think it's Arthritis (at least I *really* hope it isn't) and yet I have no idea what it could be. I made a Dr.'s appointment to get it checked out.

I am so good at thinking up worst case scenarios though. I swear, this minor thumb pain has become, in my mind, not just some current pain in my thumb, but rather a soon-to-be total agonizing disability such that my whole hand will be in pain and unusable. Do other people do this or am I just a freak? Why can't i just see it for what it is and not worry about all these worst-case fabrications my mind makes up?

I've literally been depressed the past two days thinking about how bad my condition could become. It's so easy for me to go to that space, too. I think it's a control issue (i.e. if I figure out the worst thing that could happen and prepare myself for it, I'll be okay). But really, I only make things worse - namely my mood and mental well-being - by spending my time thinking about this stuff. But I don't know how to stop.

I think I deserve a gold medal in procrastination as well as worrying. Maybe if I could figure out how the worrying really serves me I can do something to get rid of it. I really don't like it, but it seems so ingrained.

I just don't want to be in pain anymore. It seems like there is always something hurting ... my thumb, my arm, my stomach ... do I create this situation somehow? Do I manifest physical pain b/c I think I should always be in pain for some reason? Is this just self-fulfilling prophecy stuff? Do I have control over this?

I wish I knew.

I've been trying some healing techniques these past few days. Focusing my energy on the areas that hurt and just sitting with those areas attempting to bring health and relief to those areas. I wonder if that only works if you believe 100% that it will? Maybe it works and just takes time? You certainly hear stories about people ridding themselves of cancer in miraculous ways like this. Can't I create a pain-free life in that same way?

I'll let you know.

the hazzards of blogging at work

watch out people.
you don't want to get fired for blogging at work.
or do you?

see?

of course, i'm writing this at work - so i'm either mad, careless or all-powerful.

i'm gonna stick with 'all-powerful'.

sorry for the lack of any real content lately ... i'll write more after school is finished in a couple weeks. i am really looking forward to it being over.

i'm exhausted.

crackers

okay, so maybe this isn't a new challenge, but i don't think i heard of it before today and it made my week.

this morning i was in the lab at school with my friend sara. i'm eating some saltines because my stomach is still a little off-kilter from the food poisoning last week.

sara then challenges me to eat 6 saltines in under 1 minute.
i say, "piece of cake ... but I just had a bunch, so i'll do it later after class"

i then sit there thinking, this probably isn't very possible and maybe i've taken a challenge i can't win.

moments later, Pooja walks in, looking to borrow a chair.

i say, "you can have a chair on one condition ... you have to eat 6 crackers in under a minute"

Pooja says, "ok!" (this is why i love Pooja)

the clock starts and Pooja starts stuffing crackers in her mouth and chomping away. she gets to about 3 crackers in 30 seconds and sara and i are laughing so hard at the expression on her face that she starts laughing too. next thing we know, there's cracker bits flying out of her mouth all over the lab, in her hair, in sara's hair, all over the chair she was going to borrow and i'm almost on the floor i'm laughing so hard.

and yet ... she keeps going and stuffs more crackers in her mouth until finally she's laughing so hard, crackers are coming our her eyes and she's spitting cracker bits in the trash to be able to breathe again.

just then, my advisor walks by and i say, "oh, we have to get him in on this".

pooja runs out to tell him we have a challenge for him and he comes in with this big smile and says "Alright, whattya got for me?". Now Chris is a big guy, 6'3" and sort of a football player build. we explain the challenge and he says what i said, "piece of cake!" he looks excited and very, very confident.

when he starts, he has the look of zen concentration on his face and the first cracker goes in and down in less than 10 seconds. i look at sara and we're both thinking he's going to do it.

but we neglected to realize the cumulative effect of the cracker and by 45 seconds, he has the remaining 5 crackers in his mouth chewing furiously to get them down, and we, of course are now laughing our asses off as he's chewing and trying to explain the improbability of moving the mass of cracker out of his mouth and into his stomach in the next 15 seconds.

at the minute mark, he's still got this huge glob of cracker goo in his mouth and he's chewing with a look on his face that shows both the spoils of defeat and pure wonder as to how he is ever going to finish chewing all that cracker goo.

in the end, it took him an one minute, 48 seconds and a big gulp of water to get it all down.

he thought his wife would love to find out how he spent his morning.

i don't think i've laughed so hard in ages. there's still bits of cracker all over the lab and since the school doesn't clean very often, I think they'll be there for awhile.

if you ever have some spare time and some saltines ... i dare you to eat 6 in under a minute. i double-dog dare you!

kimonos

as i was walking on campus today i over heard two guys talking behind me.

G1: It's just not fair!
G2: What?
G1: Well, if a girl wears a kimono, she's all hot and sexy. If I wear a Kimono, I look stupid.
G2: What!?
G1: It's just not fair is all I'm sayin'.



True 'dat, my friend. True 'dat.

epidemic update

well, we're up to 21 people down for the count and it's looking like food poisoning.
i'm feeling much better today and hope to be back to my normal self by the end of the day.

did i mention that wasn't fun - at all!?

blech.

epidemic

i feel like i've been hit by a truck. a really really big truck.

turns out at least 12 people who were at the Thanksgiving potluck i went to are all down for the count today with very nasty stomach flus. it all hit us late yesterday afternoon through today.

we think we've ruled out food poisoning since some people are sick and didn't have any meat products, but it sure is nasty.

can i have a new spine please? it feels like this one is broken.

well, wish me a speedy recovery ... i'm missing some very very enticing plans tonight AND i haven't gotten any homework done today.

good thing i work well under pressure.
oh ... the pressure!

pathetically,
- jason

thankful

Thanksgiving 2004

These are a few of the things I am thankful for this year:

My life
My health
The comforts and luxuries available to me
My family for their love and support
My friends (and their babies!) who witness and support me in my life.
The Rhythm Society for opening me
My mens group for challenging me
Bruinslair for giving me respite
Natural places untouched by humans for beauty and solitude
A dog named Kaya for unconditional love
Hope to move forward
Freedom to have hope
The freedom of san francisco to be whoever I want to be
Music for the soundtrack of my life
Crushes for charging me up
Time alone for self-reflection, silence and grounding
Soft things
Hot showers
Anything chocolate
My instincts for taking me the right way
Too many material goods for making life comfortable
Annies alfredo macaroni & cheese w/ broccoli for being the best meal ever
Drums for allowing me to express that which cannot be spoken
The ability to experience life in other parts of the world


And mostly:
I am really thankful to be who I am. I don’t know if there was ever a time in my life that I liked myself more than I do right now – hangups and all. I’m pretty fucking happy to be me. And for those of you who actually read this – I’m pretty fucking happy that you are you.

kung-fu

my monkey's kung-fu is better than your monkey's kung-fu.

i can prove it!

creative ways to waste time

i stumbled across this site today which shows you a few options of what to do when your co-worker goes away for vacation. these people definitely share my sense of humor.

it is, of course, a terrible waste of materials, but sometimes ... you just gotta.

thinking

okay ... now that's more like it. it may only be noon, but today is looking to be a better day.

here's a sample of why i like today:

* Nick Drake - "One of these things first" - I love this song. If you haven't seen Garden State yet - go see it. It's a great feel-good film with a really kick-ass soundtrack. That's how I discovered this song and now I listen to it daily.

* A cutie from NY wrote me to say: "I'm in NYC, but I just had to write to tell you how damn sexy you are, both pic and profile. Too bad we're a continent apart. But that's kind of sexy and romantic, isn't it?" Yes, it is.

* I'm actually getting work done!

* Zack called to apologize that things got all weird and said it was cool if I wanted to come get Kaya to take her out. This gesture makes such a difference. It's that kind of interaction that opens me and makes me want to do anything for someone. It eases me into ways I can change to accommodate the needs of others. It shows humilty to make the call and I respect the effort he put forth to do so. I truly look forward to the day all that other stuff doesn't come up. I have an intention to make it that way by the time they get married next year - not just to make it so the wedding is comfortable (and I'm assuming and hoping I'm invited), but also because they are leaving for 2-7 years afterwards and I want that space to end on a good note. It does make me sad to think that I won't see Madhavi for a long time.

* Joy wrote me back after I wrote to tell her how good it was to see her the other night and mentioned that there were also good tidings felt by some comrads about me. And that people were happy to see me and want me around more.

* I got in touch with my cousin Jim who I haven't seen in FOREVER. He's in Florida living a very different life than me. It was good to have a little connection after all this time. I got my first real drumset from him back when I was 9 or 10 or something - he's, like, a hero to me for that!

I mean ... how can you have a bad day with all that?

Okay, there are ways you could still have a bad day after all that ... BUT none of those things are going to happen to change that this is a good day!

how do you spell relief?

d-a-n-c-i-n-g!

The shackles of doom were mightly tossed last night in a three and a half hour dancing extravaganzza! Holy moly I needed that. (who says Holy Moly?). I am so thankful that the Space Cowboys throw such a damn good party and for the skills of one mr. Brad Robinson. I love Brad. Brad can make me dance no matter how tired, how grumpy or how down-and-out I feel. I don't know how he does it, but he gets the whole room shakin' like there's no tomorrow.

If there is ever an apocalypse, I'm hiring Brad to DJ the party.

So I woke up feeling great and then the day got ... weird.

It started with an email from Madhavi saying I couldn't come take Kaya (the dog) out tomorrow because it made Zack feel weird that I also hadn't offered to come and see their new house. Is that weird? Supposedly, if you have a "bad history" it is. I got pretty frustrated that what soon turned into a 'big deal' could've easily been diverted by a simple phone call.

But, no, it became a big deal.

After a couple emails, I called over there tonight (because I'm tired of resolving conflict over email) and Zack and I talked it out for awhile. We managed to resolve some of the issue though it's pretty clear we see things differently. There's still some sensitivity around all the old stuff that I didn't know I still needed to take into consideration. I thought we were past it.

Apparently, not yet.

I can respect that, I just didn't expect that. Last I heard he was happier with me not around, so I was trying to respect that . Out-of-proportion ... it all just got out-of-proportion.

Unfortunately what that means is I can't take Kaya out tomorrow. I was really looking forward to taking Kaya out tomorrow.

So in between all that, I had a great brunch with Zen, got the best stamps EVER (Buckminster Fuller stamps!) and found out that my car had been towed.

Yep. Towed. I was on my way to buy some new boots which I very badly need since my current boots have no tread anymore and have splits completely through the soul which means my feet get terribly wet when it's raining. So, I walk out in my sad boots and find ... no car.

Um, where *did* I park my car last night? I'm sure it was right there. Did I accidently cloak it? Maybe I parked it there the *other* night.

After spending 30 minutes on hold with the city tow place, I find out they, indeed, towed my car and it was going to cost $171 to get it out + a $75 parking ticket because someone complained the my vehicle extended past the drop of their curb.

It so did not.

I am a Virgo, god damnit! I like symmetry. I notice these things.

Besides, aren't you supposed to paint the curb red if you don't want someone parking there? It's not like I was blocking the garage.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So, $241 and a mild headache later, I'm not in the mood to go spend $150 on boots. So think of me next time it rains. I'll be the one with the wet feet.

It's now 7:30pm and I've done about 30 minutes of the 5 hours of work planned for today - which means I have a long night ahead of me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Brad Robinson ... where are you when I need you!?

Fortunately, it will all be better tomorrow. Fuck that, it's all better now. In the grander scheme of things, this is all so insignificant. It's just that after a lousy week and a night spent getting rid of all that doom and gloom, I was hoping for a peaceful and productive weekend. Oh well - better luck next time.

Really, I'm over it. Though I could use a really boring and uneventful Sunday.

wiped

i'm wiped out. midterms are finally over and there's only a couple days left in the week. i just want to sleep all day and pretend that the world is in good condition. but i can't and it's not. i find myself constantly reframing my world to find the positive string to follow, to keep up hope that our global community can figure this all out. sometimes it just seems like we're on a collision course with our extinction and there's no way to steer.

it keeps bringing me back to impermanence. it's a universal truth. everything dies. this planet will one day die when the sun goes out. it is inevitable that the human race and all living creatures and things on earth will cease to exist. my attachment to my very easy life is hard to give up though. i don't want to think that i'll ever be uncomfortable or that i'll have to struggle for my sustainance. but who knows ... maybe i will, maybe i won't. i'd like to think that we will stop this incessant fighting and start co-existing and treating our home (the planet) as we would expect a house guest to treat our house. we're not doing that right now. no, the marvels of industry and the ease of disengagement have allowed most of us to believe that we have no responsibility or need to care for the planet. you can easily buy your comfort in the short term, so why think about the long term? isn't it easy just to ignore the warnings and the threats? i do it everyday.

the real problem is we don't really know what's going to happen. because of the lack of true predictability, because of that ounce of uncertainty, we are able to pretend it's all going to be okay.

i believe that it's not too late. not at all. but global warming is happening. diseases are getting stronger. weather patterns are changing. we're gradually running out of oil and trees and potable water. the air ain't so good in a lot of places.

what does it take to make the changes that we are capable of making to ensure our survival? well, first we need to stop fighting each other. can we just have a big global "do over"?

i didn't expect to write any of this. it's just on my mind lately and i feel pretty heavy. i want to be able to think about these issues and really appreciate the importance and need to make changes without being depressed. this is my life, after all, and i have a choice between being up or being down. the prognosis might not be so hot right now, but i'd like to believe that with a positive attitude and living a healthy life, a full recovery is possible.

we'll see how it goes. i'll do my part ... will you do yours? it's not so hard. really. we just all need to lend a hand.

check out Smartsoul.com . it's a start.

here's an article about the artic report . notice how they barely talk about the impacts on life and more about how we can tap into more oil reserves now that the polar ice caps are melting?

great! more oil to burn to make the planet even toastier!

thinking happy thoughts ... happy thoughts ... happy ......

stuff and stuff

I feel so behind in my blogging and there's so much to say. I probably won't get to it all right now.

What a week. I've been filled with despair, anger, hopelessness, hopefulness, tenaciousness, determination ... and that's just when trying to figure out what to wear in the morning!

Seriously, I'm worried about the next four years with Bush in office and a conservative republican house and senate. It doesn't look good. I only hope that this wakes more Americans up and that more of us become active in electing a real leader next time. I heard on NPR that only 1 out of 10 people aged 18-24 voted in this election. If that is true, we have a lot of work to do.

I was in a hardware store the night of the election and news was coming in that Bush was ahead. There were lots of people talking and there was an energetic tension in the air. There was a little latino boy about 7 years old tugging on his mom's shirt in front of me. He had just been told that the president would be re-elected and he was exasperated and asking, "Mommy, is that the guy who's going to make us all go to war?". He sounded so scared.

I think I'm also in a bit of denial as I keep thinking, "Four years will go by fast, what can really happen?". I'm just scared to think what really can happen. But ... all we can do is keep on moving and doing what we can to make this country what we want it to be. It's just so hard to imagine how equally split the country is.

Okay, enough about politics. I have other places I can talk and vent about that.

Callahan was here for the past few days. It was great to see him and have a little time to hang out. We had a pot-luck Friday night and it felt great to just laugh and laugh. Madhavi showed up totally unexpected. I had a strange feeling she might and then there she was, walking in the door. I was surprised at how comfortable it felt to have her there, though it's still weird that she is getting married next year. It just doesn't feel like it's been so long since we were together. I can feel the distance emotionally, but when we're in the same room, it's all just so familiar. I guess it's just weird because I never see Madhavi and Zack together and I just don't have reference point to think of her with someone else.

I spoke with my Grandfather tonight for about 20 minutes, That's the longest time we've spent on the phone in a couple years. I find his determination to live very amazing. The man has had two open-heart surgeries (triple bypasses, i believe), plus a whole host of other complications and health issues that come from being an 88 year old person who has smoked almost his entire life. And yet, he's still going. He is certainly suffering a fair amount, and for that I am truly sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help him. His wife died many years ago and since then his vitality has come from the cousins and neighbors children he takes care of. Now, most of them have moved away which leaves him little inspiration. My mom lives with him, taking care of him, which I'm sure is a great comfort. It just goes to show you how strong the human spirit is. His body has taken so much trauma over the years and the body is hurting from that, but the spirit within is still strong and I think he could live to 100 if he wanted to. I just don't know if he wants to. So it was good to talk to him and I hope to have many more conversations in the years to come.

Right now, I'm procrastinating. Or rather ... "taking a break" ... from studying for my midterm in Statistics tomorrow. At this point I think I know everything I need to know, but I can and should be 'overlearning' so I don't have to think about it. Since I am a man of my word and my word is that school is my number one priority ... i will move on to do that now.

Soon I will post more about the more personal discoveries I've been having lately .. and if you're lucky, I'll tell you more about my dating life.

ciao

fuck!

i'm moving to another country.
new zealand anyone? australia? belize?

i can feel my civil liberties disappearing faster than the ozone.

sigh.

what is wrong with the people in this country?
can't anyone see what is happening here?
where is my revolution? did i miss my stop?

maybe i'll wake up later from this horrible dream.




is it so wrong to get drunk at work?

vote

this is simple:

GET OUT THERE AND VOTE TODAY!

ISFJ

I'm too tired to write anything else tonight, and I have more homework to do. So, I'll paste a little something about me.

I did the Myers-Briggs personality test again recently and it turns out I am an "ISFJ". I took the test several times answering different questions that were "it depends" situations and each score came out the same.

Introverted: 22% - slightly expressed introvert
Sensing: 33% - moderately expressed sensing personality
Feeling: 33% - moderately expressed feeling personality
Judging: 44% - moderately expressed judging personality

The title of my grouping is "The Portrait of the Protector" and this is a little about me (it's actually eerie how relevant this is):

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here “service” means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider’s concern), as guarding others against life’s pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies—these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

If you are interested in taking the test, go here .
Have fun!

today - for lack of anything more interesting

best thing seen today:
- pregnant woman with a sparkly t-shirt that read: simon says: don't touch my belly

why do people think they can just touch pregnant women's bellies?

worst thing heard today:
- woman on a bench at campus talking on a cell phone: "well ... i've been thinking a lot about our relationship ..."

ouch!

best piece of advice today:
- "don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things"

i've heard that before, but it was particularly funny today

freakiest thing seen today:
- confirmation that there is this guy at school who used to be a resident at the residential program i worked at in Boston 8 years ago. this is a kid i used to have to do manual restraints on and he is now a student at my university. very unsettling.

says me

i was getting all excited to write an entry tonight and then i got all tired, so now i am going to bed. i have a lot of things to say, but i will not say them now. probably they will be said sometime this weekend. says me.

enjoy your halloween. i have decided to be costumically-lazy this year: i'm going as: Captain Costumeless!

if any of you are looking for a fast costume idea you can take one of my undeveloped thematic ideas for this year:

get a pair of cheap flip-flops
print out a small round republican and democratic logo
paste one onto each shoe and wear them somewhere on your body:

voila! ... costume in a pinch: political flip-flops.

and that's all i have to say about that.




and yes, i know it's a dumb idea ... that's why i'm not dressing up this year. i'm uninspired on the costume front.

check it

mosh

brains!

Wow. So many days, so little blogging. I swear these days are going by so quickly. And I am not at all enjoying the fact that it is *not* light out when I wake up in the morning.

I am in the middle of midterms and so you will probably not be hearing much from me in the next two weeks. I am pretty sure I can ace the exams, I just need to keep putting time in for studying. Oddly enough I think Statistics is my favorite class this semester. Sigh ... whatever has become of me.

In other news, I really want a hot dog right now. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you, but about 5 minutes ago I got the biggest craving for a hot dog. I haven't had a hot dog in at least 7 years. I wonder what would Freud say about that.

In still other news, turns out my date last week did go well. We're going out again this Friday. I think that means I am officially "dating". Being a relationship kinda guy and not wanting a relationship right now, this is really new territory for me. Quite fun and interesting and weird and ... shit, who knows? I'm figuring it all out as I go. The one thing I was clear about with her is that I refuse to play any of those stupid dating games like "I'll wait precisely 2 days, 7 hours and 52 minutes before I call to say I had a good time". I never bought into the various "rules" of dating and won't now.

Okay, I'll also share that just now as I am writing about dating, something has come up for me. I started feeling uneasy about writing that I am dating and I think that is because part of me feels like I'm dating because I must not be good enough to be in a relationship with someone. This, of course, is total B.S. since I've spent 9 of the last 11+ years in long-term relationships. But, nevertheless, it's interesting to note that I associate dating with "not good enough for something permanent".

Of course other people dating is not a sign of failure ... just mine.

Noticing that this is just one of the stupid thought-patterns I come up with reminds me how ridiculous we, as humans, have become with these supposedly "advanced" brains of ours.

Which reminds me ... if you haven't seen this story yet that Ed pointed out in his blog, you MUST read it. It's terrifying and fascinating. In brief, some scientists grew a simple brain that has taught itself how to fly a plane in a flight simulator. Can you say - freaky!?

I'm going to study. Entertain me ... please!

you heard it here first

Let's see ... what was I going to write about ...

Well, let me get this out of the way: GO SOX!

I'm not a huge baseball fan anymore, but I did live in Boston for seven years, so I'm pretty pleased that the Sox came back from 3 games down to win the division. Just goes to show that people can pull things off when everyone expects them to fail.

Okay, that is probably the only time I will ever write about baseball on my blog, let alone sports.

I went out on "blind" date number two last night. I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into the "date" aspect of the night since I'm a little disillusioned with internet dating. I find that I don't like telling people that I'm going on dates with women who wrote to me over the internet. Of course, that's why I'm publically telling EVERYONE here, right?

I think it stirs up the insecurity that maybe I'm not good enough to actually meet women elsewhere or that when women meet me in person, they don't want anything to do with me.

Of course, I know these are stupid insecurities - especially when I look back at the women I have been blessed to be in relationship with.

So I had a great night and once again, have no idea if we'll see each other again or not. I like that I can go into an evening like that and not think too much about outcomes. In other words, I like having the ability to appreciate the moment and not get off-track with wondering if there will be a next time. There will be a next time if it's right for there to be a next time.

All that aside, of course, I still spent the evening going in and out of being shy, nervous, confident, distracted, totally present, engaged, disengaged, calm, anxious, excited, inspired, feeling awkward, having lots to say, having nothing to say ... and on and on.

When I wasn't all caught up in my head, it was just really comfortable spending time with this wonderful woman whom I'd never met. We have a lot in common and I apprectiated her for her intelligence, passion, presence and humor.

So ... we'll see. I believe that everyone comes into your life for a time and a purpose. Sometimes you will meet someone who is in your life for a lifetime and sometimes you will know someone for only part of a day. And though we often want things to be a certain way, there's an elegance in asking for what you want and accepting what is.

I not particularly tied to many outcomes right now ... I'm just enjoying experiencing life and seeing what comes when I don't hold on so tight.

Okay, I lied ... I do want to get A's on all my midterms next week. But other than that, I'm easy.

That's right ... you heard it here first ... I'm easy.

Hippo Birdie Emzilee!

Today is the birthday of the illustrious Emily E. And in honor of her birthday, I will write a gawd-awful poem right here and now for you all!

Ode to the Embilbee

The Embilbee, she
smite you legally, she
tickle me mercilessly, she
oh so hip-jiggily.

Turning heads beautifully, she
thoughtfully marvel thee, she
a-oooooga and wowzers
and gosh-golly gee!

I love her, that Embilbee
Fully and effortlessly
and hope oh so desperately
home she'll come eventually.

Okay, that was truly the worst poem I've ever written, but let it be known that miss Emily is worth much better.
She's the belly-dancinest, fun-havinest, side-ticklest hottie lawyer you ever did see.
She'll resolution your conflict and leave you smiling!
She'll convince you to tell her all your secrets!
And she'll lick salt off of any bare part of your body!

She really is one hell of a woman and I'm lucky to be able to call her my friend.

I miss you Emily ... come home soon!

Happy Birthday!!!

again with the men!

One step closer.

I just got home from my men's group. Tonight one of the things I brought up was this year's intention for me and, in doing so, I asked the men for feedback about how they see me in the world. Partially, I was trying to help myself define what it is I'm talking about and partially I wanted to get their opinions on what it means to be a man (vs. a boy or a "guy").

It helped.

I came away with some more ideas to focus on. One of the themes that came up is that this is about being more fully expressed. I'm perceived as someone who has a lot more inside that I don't always offer ... in other words, I hold back. When I am most fully expressed, I feel like a man. So one of my practices for the next couple weeks is to notice when I am holding back on a daily basis and to write that down.

This is similar to one of my Arete practices which was to notice when I wasn't saying things that I wanted to say ... and to say them. I'm doing pretty well with that practice, but this new one isn't limited to verbal expression.

One of the reasons I blog, in fact, is because it is confronting to be so open to an invisible audience - to give of myself for no other reason than to give of myself.

Another aspect of this journey is to develop a deeper sense of trust in myself and that I have something worthwhile to offer others. This is one of those areas that sits comfortably in my mind, but not so well in my heart -- meaning, I know it, but I don't believe it 100%.

These are just two of the things I took away from our conversation tonight. It was a good meeting - I feel pretty damn good about this group of guys. We have gotten to a place where we can push one another out of love and respect and without holding back. We challenge each other with complete support. This is probably the first time in my life (since childhood) I've had such rewarding and healthy relationships with men.

And now, instead of blathering on any more, I'm going to try to accomplish some reading before going to bed to sleep a manly sleep! [grunt]

Jill and Ruthie!!

Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill &
Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie Ruthie!

Jill & Ruthie!

Saturday night at our friend's house-warming party, I spent time with Jill and Ruthie talking about blogging. They happen to be two of the small number of people who are actually reading this right now!! Blog fans. I have blog fans. Much better than Flog bans.

Anyway, in gratitude for being new and faithful readers, I will now regale you with the awesomeness of Jill and Ruthie!

Jill, as you may know, is my future roommate-to-be. If you only knew how lucky I am! Jill kicks some serious ass. She's grounded, has a huge huge heart with love for all, is doing her best to take care of this planet and better herself in the process ... she's thoughtful and fun and has a secret wild-side. Oh, and she's a total hottie!

Ruthie, well I don't know Ruthie as well as Jill, but here's what I do know: Ruthie always comes with an open heart, you can literally feel the love she has for you when talking to her. She also has that gentle calm of someone who is spiritually grounded and a tangible non-judgemental way about her. And based on the people she attracts, I can only imagine there are many more great things to learn about Ruthie! I always feel welcomed by her.

And, as I noticed this morning, I should also say hello to Juli who has just apparently been doing some j.blog catch-up and to Sonia who stops by once and awhile (Sonia is the one person I don't actually know in-person, but love reading her comments!).

And then there's Jon and Ed, the two males that I know who read my blog. They are, as of right now, in my blog posse. What up, boys?

So this is just the first of tributes to my friends who read along to see what the hell I'm up to, thinking about or observing in the world. The fact that anyone gives a hoot is a blessing.

And there are others that I've neglected to say 'thanks' to - like my mom and i think my sister reads this too sometimes (at least Andy, my brother-in-law, does and reports back to her) and ... well, I'm not sure who else.

It sure is interesting to put yourself out there in an anonymous public environment. The fact that people come up to me once and awhile to say, "hey, i read your blog" is shocking as I kinda forget that anyone is out there reading. I'm just usually writing for my own sake, but am getting used to the fact that I'm sharing things with others.

If I were still in Kindergarden, I think I would get a star next to "shares with others".

Well, that's it for now. For others that may read, you just may be regaled someday, because ... hey, why not?

man oh man!

So I've finally figured it out ... about a month behind schedule. And that's not to say that I've figured *everything* out. I'm still working on that - should be done in a week or so. No ... I've just figured *it* out.

What is *it*, you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but then again you don't have to b/c you're just reading this and I'll probably only answer the questions I pose anyway). So assuming you asked that question or don't mind being coerced into asking it ... I'll just get on with it.

Every year, on my birthday, I choose what I want to explore for the coming year. I don't do the whole "new years resolution" thing on January 1st, I do it on my birthday. That way I can claim that the whole New Year's thing is just a meaningless sham and my way is so much more important and meaningful. In reality, it's just the marker I choose.

Past years have included themes such as: finding my power & independence, spirituality, health, integrity, etc. And during the year I would simply focus on that theme and try and bring more of whatever I was looking for more into my life. Thus far, it's worked pretty well. I can say that at the end of each year, I can notice growth in whichever area I was working on. I'm not all scientific about it or anything (and trust me I can now talk to you about the merits of a good experimental design), but the results are in the eye of the beholder and I beholder some very keen eyes.

This year I couldn't figure out what I wanted to tackle. My first inclination was to make this a year of "no" ... meaning, not taking on too many things and feeling comfortable with saying "no" to requests of my time and energy when I really didn't want to do something. But that felt both a little negative and not worthy of a year's worth of intention. Besides, I now have the best trump card for any excuse I want to create ... it's called "Grad School".

Let me demonstrate:

You: Hey Jason, can you help me with "insert undesireable request here"
Me: Nope, sorry ... grad school.
You: Oh right, sorry to bother you! I won't let it happen again.
Me: No worries. Move it along now, though, you're in my light.

[NOTE: This conversation only applies to things that I don't want to do, like (a) help you lift many heavy things, (b) call your significant other back when they are pissed at you or (c) club baby seals. This does not apply if you are (a) an attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, (b) a rich attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, or (c) a rich older woman looking for someone to leave all her wealth to (some restrictions may apply). Some friends may also be exempt depending on what you've done for me lately.]

Back to the point: Last night, as I was sitting in my room, a little drunk from an improptu wine tasting test with my roommates, it came to me:

My 32nd year will be about exploring the "man" in me. (You know you've lived in San Francisco too long when ...).

What does that mean? I don't know. What I *do* know is that I'm 32 and most of the time I feel much younger. Now age is all relative, I get that, and I like feeling young a lot of the time. I look young (which I also don't always mind - most people think I am in my mid-twenties), but ... I don't know ... I feel like there's some area to grow into there.

I also get that people don't experience me as young or immature - I usually get that I am intelligent, wise, have my shit together, honest, have integrity, etc .... a lot of the qualities I would associate with being a man.

It's hard ... not knowing exactly what I'm looking for and perhaps at the end of the year, I'll discover that there was nothing to find or that I didn't want what I did find. Who knows?

I suppose I'll just have to keep you posted on what the hell I am talking about. I'm guessing there are elements in there tied to our favorite fun themes like: confidence ... power ... leadership ... assuredness ... direction ... capability ... these are all qualities I think I have, but want to a fuller degree.

You often want what it is you don't have. I'm an introvert wanting to be more extroverted. A well-balanced person looking for some chaos. In touch with my "feminine" side looking for a smack-down from my masculine side.

It's all pretty stupid when I think about it. In some ways, what does any of this matter? As I was telling Kendra this morning, I sometimes use death as motivator for perspective. During the times in my life when I am fretting about some personal quality or barrier, I think .. what would I do differently right now if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? And suddenly much better choices in how to spend my time occur. Whether I take those choices or not doesn't matter ... what does matter is the realization that I can choose to worry about this stuff or not.

In the end, it's just a challenge to better myself. It gives me something to feel good about and when I feel good about myself, I am better able to help others and to live a life worth writing about.

So this year will be about exploring what it is to be a "man" in the perspective that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd probably just go out sky-diving with a big piece of chocolate cake today instead.

The 32nd year is under way ... let's see what I can do with it.

something i will never do

reason #87 why to not wield sharp objects when half asleep:

ouch.

engaging

Been a strange weekend.

First, the news. I got a call from Madhavi this morning (for those of you who don’t know, that’s my ex-girlfriend … we split up in January. She’s been with Zack since shortly after that time and recently, they moved in together. There’s a lot more to the story, some of which you can read about in earlier entries in my blog).

Anyway … they got engaged yesterday. I’m shocked at the timing. I figured it would happen eventually, but not this soon. In many ways, I’m very happy for them both. I really am. I also have to trust that this is the right decision for her … my protective hackles went up a little bit this afternoon. I think what’s strangest for me is that this is the first time that someone I dated seriously for a long time is getting married. And because we were together not that long ago, I think there’s some transferrence in this situation – in other words, it’s made me feel a little like I’m getting married (or as if something is happening to me that I am not ready for). It’s an interesting situation to experience.

Fortunately, it’s not messing with my head or heart. It’s not making me sad or hurt, it’s just weird. I don’t know what to make of it just yet. I’m thankful that when I think of them together, it makes me happy. I’ve always wanted the best for her and if this is what she wants, then I support it 100%.

In other news, I found this out on the way back from a date. A date with a woman who wrote to me on Nerve.com. I liked her. We took her dog to the beach and talked for a couple hours. We have a lot in common and it’s a little eerie how much Ginger (her dog) is like Kaya (Madhavi’s dog). It’s hard to say if we’ll go out again or not. I made an invitation, but I couldn’t tell if she was into it or not. What feels good is my near total lack of dependency on the situation. If she wants to go out again, great! If not, I still had a good time going out with her today and there’s no feeling of loss or let-down involved. When did I become so mature?

I also had a date with someone on Friday night. This, too, was a lot of fun. We’ll probably hang out again, though I don’t know if it will ever be anything more than spending time together once and awhile. She’s an existing friend, so even if we don’t “date”, we’ll still hang out as time permits.

All that, AND I got a lot of homework done this weekend AND the weather has been absolutely gorgeous.

Fuckin’ great weekend!

coming up roses?

Life is good right now. Amazing how things shift from time to time. A little over a week ago, I was in a funk that had been lurking for awhile. I didn’t even really know how much it was affecting me until I came out of it. I swear sometimes I’m manic-depressive (except being lazy, I’m never really manic nor really depressed!) … basically, it’s interesting to watch the way I can move from one mood to another in minutes sometimes and how it may or may not be based on anything.

I’m guessing that’s just part of this unpredictable life.

What’s coming up lately is an understanding of faith. Not necessarily religious faith (which, it seems, is how many people read that word) … no, faith in terms of just trusting that what needs to happen will happen.

A few weeks ago, while I was on my two week camping trip, I spent some time writing down what it is I want in a long term partner (i.e. the woman I want to marry and/or spend the rest of my life with) and how I want to be with that person. I put it all on paper and put it out to the universe saying that the universe had a year to provide. I put it away and didn’t think about it much after that.

About 8 months ago, shortly after moving out of the home Madhavi and I created together (my ex-girlfriend of 3+ years), I created profiles on Nerve.com and Tribe (already had one on Friendster) for dating, activity partners, etc – mostly in an effort to meet some people outside my circle. I’m fortunate enough to have a big community of friends, but, at the time, I was feeling the need to meet people with different histories and lifestyles.

I only ever contacted one person and we went out a couple times, but that was about it. Since then, the profiles have remained dormant – though I go on the sites from time to time to see what people are up to.

I was telling a friend tonight that in this past week, I’ve had 4 responses to my profiles. And then I come home from that conversation and there’s a 5th.

What the hell is going on? These profiles have been around for 8 months and now, in the past 7 days, I get 5 responses!!?? I can only attribute this to random chance and/or the universe starting to get to work on my request.

Regardless, I’m not complaining. I may not be attracted to all of the women who contacted me, but I’m utterly flattered that they did. Of course, now that I am in grad school, I hardly have time for the friends that I already want to see … this, of course, is the universe laughing at me saying “Of course, I’ll provide you with what you want, but I’m not going to make it easy for you!!”

***

Okay, this is crazy. As I am writing this, I went and checked my email and theres ANOTHER person responding to me! Am I on some “profile of the day list or something??”

I’m going to bed before … before I don’t even know! I’m so confused right now!

Best thing seen today

Waiting at a crosswalk as a motorcyle and a scooter stop at the red light. The guy on the black Ducati motorcycle, dressed in a black leather jacket, jeans, black boots and a full helmet (also black) with the visor raised looks over at the guy on the older-model white Vespa scooter dressed in a blue button-down shirt, white pants, brown shoes and a white half-helmet.

The Vespa rider smiles back as the other man, with a lit cigarette angled upward out the front of his helmet nods in approval. Light turns green, and motorcycle is halfway up the hill by the time the scooter crosses the intersection.

Mighty!

I worked the door at Mighty! last night for the "end of the Love Parade" festival. Outside were the Space Cowboys and the Mog and indoors were a host of DJs laying down some deep breaks. I was perched in-between selling tickets for six and a half hours.

It was quite the experience. I would have never thought that there were so many ways that people interact with box offices. I must have sold tickets to well over 500 people last night and during that time encountered:

* the people who will come up with any story as to why you should give them a discount, among them:

"so and so outside told me to tell you to give me the ticket for $10 instead of $20"
"dude, i just drove here from Lombard, forgot my ID, went home again and then stood in line for an hour - i only got $9"
"what do i have to do to get in for free? do you want me to come back there and blow you?" (from a woman)
"if i pay for this, i won't be able to feed my dog, can you give me a break?"
"twenty bucks?! i'm cute, can i pay 10?"
"i'm a promoter"
"i know one of the djs"

* the normal people who come up, ask how much it is, take money out of their wallet and hand it to you

* the people who are so drunk that they can't see the numbers on the bills they are taking out to give you "is that a $20?"

* the friends who took double-takes when they saw it was me and jumped up and down

* the people who put a large, crumpled wad of money on the counter and then start peeling bills out one by one and leave them scattered around until they say, "there, that's 20" and wait for you to pick it all up to straighten out the bills and count it - usually they were short the full amount and usually all the other stuff that was in their pocket is all over the place too.

* the slow-moving sultry types who look you in the eye during the transaction all the while saying, "Damn, I'm cool"

* the hyped-up guys that would stick their upper torso INTO the booth to talk to you

* the generous types that paid for all their friends and refused their money

and i would think many of these people an anomaly, but most of these types of interactions happened more than once indicating that this is just how people are.

from the sound of it, you might gather that I didn't enjoy the experience, but i really did. it was a total trip and the best seat in the house for people watching. people are just freaks and this was freak-topia.

the only people who really bugged me were the ones with excuses as to why they couldn't pay. dude, if you can't pay for an event that you know costs money ... STAY HOME! and maybe you should feed your dog BEFORE YOU BUY YOUR DRUGS!

some people are, admittedly, just plain dumb.

but there is a precious balance in this world and you gotta have all kinds. i wouldn't want it any other way.

kaptain killjoy and the bout of social paralysis

Submerged in a sea of sound I sit here writing to you. The royal you. Just back from a gathering of people who have completed the Arete course at some point in the past several years, so, in essence, a room full of open, intense people. I wasn’t truly in the space for it and yet I wanted to be there.

A very unfortunate pattern for me is to get into large groups of people and become partially paralyzed by this preconceived insecurity of “how” I am supposed to be. Usually it manifests simply by me interacting with people and having absolutely nothing to say, and I am quite used to this phenomenon. What gets me is that I can have perfectly beautiful, deep and honest conversations with most of these same people in smaller group settings or in one on one conversations. There is something about large gatherings of people that keeps me from being able to really engage. I feel so “shallow” in situations like that (not that I am shallow, it’s just that I feel like my interactions are shallow).

There were so many things left unsaid in retrospect, but I literally ‘freeze-up’ in the sense that I just really can’t think of anything to say other than pretty uninterested thoughts.

It baffles me. I wonder if it’s just simply over-stimulation.

On another note, I’m really feeling good about who I am in school. I feel liked and respected by my classmates. I feel like a leader in some ways and a follower in others. I feel like I have something to say in class and no hesitation in saying it. I have taken a personal stand to support each and everyone one of the students in my program and that just feels like such a wonderful gift for me – to set aside notions of competition for the higher purpose of creating a group who is going out into the world to create positive organizational change – and to do so, we need to support one another. This is so contrary to all the previous years of my school experience and looking back at who I was 10 years ago in school really allows me to see how much I’ve changed since then. I’m so much more confident and un-shy. I still see myself as a shy person, but I recognize that that is not people’s experience of me.

(For a long time I was a “hunt and peck” typer and I just now noticed that I am not looking at the keyboard anymore when I type. I wasn’t really terribly slow before, probably faster than I am typing right now, but I didn’t notice when I had to stop looking at the keys to type. I set the intention of learning to type better without looking, but didn’t realize I had gotten there. Of course, now that I am thinking about it, I am typing like shit!)

Anyway, regardless of my state of mind for some of the evening, I actually feel pretty positive about some of my time with friends and course mates. Jill and Kendra and I spent a moment together talking about living together and when I thought about that on the way home, I got tremendously excited. So excited, I must have learned to type without knowing about it!! That household is going to kick so much serious ass I can’t even take it!

Well, it's late and I'm tired. I'm not even going to edit this for content and grammar ... so there! I'm just going to hop in bed and drift off to ssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...........

perhaps i will ....

... blog!

why is it everytime i am enthusiastic about blogging, i am unable to do it and when i have some free time, blogging is the last thing i want to do? i think it's part of that whole "want what you can't have syndrome".

what is there to say really?

* i'm still eating pie - that's good!
* our president is still an idiot - no surpise there
* even though my thumb still hurts, i found out i don't have any joint damage - phew!
* we have a new awesome roomie moving in this weekend!
* our president is STILL and idiot

so i watched the debate last night and wasn't suprised at all about how it went. they both lied a little, they both fibbed and exaggerated. what do you want from two feces-throwing children?

why oh why can't we have GOOD candidates for president? there are so many good people out there who just want to figure out how to take care of each other and our planet so we can all live long, relatively disease and corruption-free lives. but we seem intent on continuing the game. the power of greed never ceases to amaze me.

pie and the art of driving fast

i made a pie last weekend. madhavi came over and re-taught me how to make the crust. she is a piexpert. i had picked a lot of blackberries up at bruinslair a couple weekends ago and froze them in delicious anticipation of gooey pie goodness. and lo, it has come.

i made a an apple-blackberry pie and she made a peach-blackberry pie. we agreed to only eat half of our pies and swap this weekend. i have eaten my half and the other half just sits there calling to me. last night i woke up standing in front of an open refrigerator, the light illuminating my skin with an unnatural yellow glow, staring at the pie. it was saying ... eat me.

oh peach-blackberry, i salivate for thee. sunday will not arrive too soon.

i need to slow down. i've been practicing the art of zen and speeding. you see, i like to drive fast and i consider myself extremely safe as i like to believe that i am ultra-aware when i want to be. and yet, i don't like the often energetic frenzy my body gets in when i feel like i have to get somewhere quickly. so i'm experimenting with keeping my body physiology slow while i drive my vehicle fast. (and for my mom, who sometimes reads this, no ... i'm not driving *dangerously* fast ... i'm just ... efficient!). this means i try and breath slow and sharpen my awareness as i careen across town. it's kinda working. at least i get much less annoyed at other drivers when they are not paying attention or driving ultra-conservatively.

when i sat down i was going to write a more emotionally rich post about feeling more love in my life lately, but now i'm just thinking about pie. so i'll save that for another day.

in other disturbing news, Hanson is coming to Shoreline next month. Why are they still together? Why do they get to play Shoreline and not me? (Well, I actually don't want to play Shoreline, that venue sucks). Do you think I'd get kicked out if I went and heckled them from the front row? I figure no one else is going to be there, I can probably get front row center seats. Okay, just thinking about that gives me the heebies.

great, now i'm going to have dreams about hanson eating my pie and the only way to stop them will be to get all zen and chase them in my car.

(i'm sure that if any genuine zen buddhism practitioners read this, they'll get pissed that i (a) said "get all zen" and (b) pretend like i know anything about the zen tradition (which i don't really - so i'll probably go to the zen version of hell for this)).

grrrrrrrrrr!

it's been a little while since i've posted, a few people have actually asked what's up. wow ... i have a few readers!

mostly i've just been uninspired to write this week and i figure it's better to wait until i have something to say than to write empty words. but then again, empty words often lead to something richer underneath.

i've also had a pretty gnarly flare up of my RSI (repetitive stress injury) in my right arm which means i should stay off the computer as much as possible, though that's difficult since i have to use one at work. it's definitely a concern since i've been dealing with it for over a year now, but i'm in good hands with my doctor and now that i'm in school, i'm actually reducing my time behind a computer by 15-25 hours a week. i just hate when i'm experiencing pain and there's no direct and obvious cause - (unlike a cut or a bruise, i can't wait a couple days and it will go away ... i have to create a larger behavioral change by reducing stress and the wear and tear on my arm(s)).

anyway, i just got back from the Lion King with kendra. i got free tickets from the mac-daddy Mackenzie (okay, she's probably the mac-mommy) because she works there or something (for those of you who don't know her, she was Melody in the movie Groove) and she's pretty rad. Yup, I just said rad.

The show was pretty impressive. I can't say I was totally blown away by the show as a musical piece, but the costumes and scenery and lighting design were just amazing. The sheer creativity with creature puppets and costumes matched with movement was very interesting to dissect AND there was one piece that had, hands-down, the coolest lighting effect i've ever seen on stage.

and nala was pretty hot. she can come sing me to sleep any night of the week. grrrrrrrrr!

we accepted a new roommate for our house tonight. she seems pretty cool - also a grad student and in a program with a good friend of mine. i think it will work out. she really needs a place to call home so she can settle into school and some changes in her life and it feels like we might be able to create an even more "homier" environment here. i'm beginning to like this place. i just need to finish decorating my room.

so, with the exception of physical issues in my right arm and left thumb, everything is dandy. i'm beginning to start thinking about what to do for my winter break and kendra and i talked about maybe travelling together in december. we will also probably start looking for a home with Jill in mid-winter and that would be the bestest.

i think i need to convince rachel to go to belize this winter and invite me again! (rachel, do you read this!?) i mean, what more fun could you have than me, rachel, kendra and (____) in belize ... with coctails ... and snorkels ... on fire ... ???

i could also go to hawai'i or costa rica or the galapagos or south america ... as long as the living is cheap and it is hot and watery ...

okay, enough typing for tonight .. i'll finish some half-written posts from earlier this week soon. and to all my readers ... good night!

but then again ...

you ever look at a word that you've seen a thousand times and it just looks weird and it suddenly doesn't make any sense?

i just did that.

except it wasn't a word i was looking at, it was me ... in the mirror. i just kinda noticed (again) that both my ears are pierced. they've been pierced for so long, i kinda didn't think about it. i play with the earrings all the time and people have made comments about them, so it's not like i don't know they're there.

but i just saw them ... again ... for the first time.

it's happened with my facial hair in the past, my little soul patch with a landing strip. or my runaway drink dribble catcher. i tend to shave it the same way day after day after day ... and once and awhile look up and wonder why the hell i do that.

it's like my grooming has been set on auto-pilot.

i once tried to dry myself off in a new pattern after showering, but it never stuck. everyday it's the same series of drying moves: hair first, then left arm to underarm and down left side, then up chest to left shoulder (repeat on right side), then rest of stomach, followed by left leg - bottom to top, right leg - bottom to top, butt, back - done!

i'm guessing that most people do this and i'm not as big a freak as i think i am. but then again ...

mostly i find myself interested in when and how that particular pattern got set. i must have toweled off different ways as a kid. was this way the most efficient? the most complete? totally random? does chaos theory have anything to do with my grooming?

i suppose this is why i am a psychologist - i'm fascinated with why we do the stupid things we do.
and we do so many stupid things.

sucks for you

i just don't know how i'm going to keep up this week. i thought, before i started school, that i was one busy mo-fo. and i was. it's just that the after-work business was important, but didn't take on the same weight as school does. and my current awareness of "work load" has less to do with the amount of work i have to do, rather the time it takes up in my life. i'm just kinda tired already.

i think it's the excessive reading. reading tires me out. i'd rather be 'doing' things and i actually look forward to statistics homework for that reason.

i'm still excited about school, though. it's my job that is wearing me out. i have two HUGE meetings to prepare for which should take all of my 17.5 hours a week there, but on top of that i have to train not one, but TWO people. when the hell am i supposed to have time to do that??

end bitch session.

things that made me very happy today:

1. i fixed my computer thanks to my friend rrrus! (it was very easy)

2. my books from half.com showed up today so i can return my over-priced textbooks

3. work peeps got me a birthday cake for my birthday on sunday (mmmmm, cake!)

4. i didn't get busted for not finishing my homework due today b/c we didn't even get close to covering the reading

5. i ate annie's mac & cheese for dinner


things that made me very sad today

1. $35 parking ticket. stupid, stupid, stupid. i shake my fist at you, oh parking clerk!

2. waking up at 6:15 to do homework

3. the smell of my armpits midday

4. realizing just how much pressure is on me at work

5. not getting through to my dad's house (again!) so that i can wish my baby half-sister a happy belated 4th birthday!


that's it. that's all i have for you today. sometimes when i look at other blogs, i think .. wow, these people have so much to say ... so many interesting articles they've found .. so many political commentaries to give forth ... so many people to make fun of ... and then i realize they are all bored at work and i'm glad i'm not bored at work anymore ...

though i do wish i had more interesting things to report to you.

oh well, sucks for you!

everything but the monkey

just back from bruinslair ... i am such a lucky, lucky guy. that place is awesome and it feels great to have had such a hand in putting it all together. so many people don't get to experience such a place. what did i do right to deserve that?

there was a small crew this weekend, just 10 of us. me, and the ladies. swimming, hiking, napping, picking blackberries, drinking, sauna-ing, yoga-ing, campfire-ing and la-la-la-ing. the weather was perfect, the food was delish, and a good time was had by all.

i even got homework done - gasp!

of course, this all turned to shit as we drove back behind the RV-doofi (i think that's the plural form of doofus) of the world. why don't these people pull the fuck over when they know very well there are 30 cars behind them on the road? that's why they created turnouts in the first place!

and then i get home and my computer is all messed up. i'm booted off my external drive right now so i can type this very entry and to make sure the homework i did on friday was recoverable (which it is, thank god), but it still doesn't explain what i did to ruin my start up disk. i hate being ignorant about computer sys admin stuff. i mean, i can usually figure programs out pretty easily, but it's all the back door stuff that i just don't know anything about. i guess i'm not your back door man.

i say things like that and then remember that i think my family reads this stuff once and awhile. hi mom!

nothing could be more lewd than what came out of mouths this weekend though. i won't even go there.

and what's with the 90-degree weather in san francisco?? i was looking forward to coming home to a nice cold blanket of fog, but ... no ... it's a freakin' heat wave. must be "earthquake weather" ... which is what they call any weather abnormality in SF.

oh! i have a new blog reader .. welcome sonia! i came back from the weekend and actually had comments from, like, 4 people. 3 of whom i didn't know read my blog. just shows to go ya.

and i follow up this exciting news with another blatantly boring post. but, i'm tired - there was a giant beast outside my tent last night that kept me awake. i think it was a sasquatch. or a raccoon. a giant, man-eating raccoon. one or the other. i fought it off with my super snoring power quakes, though.

now i just have to convince madhavi to come and re-teach me how to make a pie crust so i can make a pie with all my hand-picked blackberries. i offered her half the pie in exchange. that's fair, i think ... even if it is my birthday next sunday and she should just show me out of the kindness of her heart (okay, i just wrote that in case she reads this).

anyway, i need to go back to sulking over the fact that my computer doesn't work right and that i have purple stains all over my hands.

i will write again soon, hopefully with a working computer and a piece of pie. mmmmm, pie.

next blog

okay, next blog is pretty cool. i've found a few interesting blogs to read while surfing around.

BUT ... if i sEe 1 moor blog that IS wriTTen likz thiz, I'm gunna KiLl Sum1.
wHAT is tHe FASTinATION with uncorrect grammer and heLLA missspellinggs?

some1 pleez esplain. i dont getit.

l33t - and what the hell does that mean? Loot? Leet? I'm a dumbass?

okay, i feel a little better now.

l8tr.

mmmm! snake snot

the first week of grad school has been unsettling at best. varying from the highs of being back in school to the lows of the reality of how much of my current life i have to give up in order to succeed and excel in school. at least half of the professors have done their best to scare the bejeezus into us (or out of us) about how kick-ass we're going to have to be to be able to get by and play with the big kids when we get out of school.

i feel pretty ready to do the work. already i've had my head buried in books for the past week and have gotten ahead in a couple of classes. what i am not ready for is the surgical removal of my community and social life. i feel very isolated right now and i haven't spend a lot of time with friends in the past several weeks. i miss people and i wonder how i'm ever going to be able to date. this was supposed to be the time when i broke out of my shell a bit and explored my self in non-committed relationships.

how can i date if i don't have time to meet anyone??

i feel somewhat confident that i haven't sentenced myself to two years of singledom, but right now it's looking pretty bleak. on the other hand, i really like spending time with myself, so it could be worse. if my life follows any pattern at all, i'll fall in love again in february. i seem to have three year relationships followed by a year off. that cycle has been true 2.5 times, so who's to say that it won't happen again.

i TRULY hope that some tentative ideas to live with Jill and Kendra in the spring work out, because they just KICK some serious ASS. a household of we three would be pretty unbelievably great.

in other news, at least i don't have a snake coming out my nose:
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/040902/481/mas10109021528&e=1&ncid=1756

whatever you do, don't click on "next picture".

okay, this is a vey boring post ... i'm off to bake some cookies for bruinslair.

added value

okay, just back from my first day of classes ... and i am happy to report that there is an aspect of school that i kinda forgot about.

there was this phenomenon at Boston University, let's call it "the awakening", that happened every spring on the first warm, sunny day of the season. the phenomenon was ... people. all of a sudden, the campus would be swarmed with five times as many students walking around campus - chillin' on lawns, playing frisbee, talking to friends, etc.

where the hell had they been? where did everyone come from? did cloning get developed and no one told me about it (because it would be really great to have extra 'me's to go to class for me)?

what's more ... short skirts and tank tops. it was like Comm Ave. became a fashion show and there were no shortage of attractive people to walk the runway. lots and lots of attractive, mobile hormones. it was sublime.

today ... was a little like that. swarms of young, attractive people milling about campus, strutting their hormones around, bearing their genes for the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever). and i was there with them. glorious, glorious day.

that is, of course, 'til the reality of just how much work i'm going to be doing set in. oh deary me, what did i get myself into?

ugh. and yea!

first contact

i just got home from my first contact with many of the people in my new school program. the professors and the second year students pulled together a potluck get-together. i'm really glad i made it back in time to go to this. it was a treat to meet other students in my program (there are 11 total) and to meet and get advice from 2nd years and recent graduates. it was also good to do this with food and booze.

i'm much more excited now for the semester. everyone i met seems like 'good people' and it looks like we'll have some fun together. and i feel like i learned a lot more about the program tonight which is helpful.

classes start on thursday. it's going to be great to be in a formal learning structure again. remind me of this when exam time comes.

i totally fucking rock

this trip taught me something about myself. i totally fucking rock. i just faced, like, a bunch of my fears and shot every one of them down. i followed my instincts and everytime they lead me to wonderful gems. i feel pretty alive right now and that has everything to do with feeling capable and in charge of my life.

this decision to go to school finally hit me this weekend. it had been, until recently ... just another thing i'm doing. and in many ways it is. but what i didn't get before is that it is a step in utter defiance of complacency. it's taking charge. it's saying that my life wasn't fulfilling me and that i choose to change that. action. and after this weekend i trust that i made the right decision. i still feel a strong pull to be a therapist, but there's something stonger telling me to wait for that ... and it's not fear. it's an instinct and i relearned to trust those instincts this weekend. my new practice is to provide quiet reflective space in my life so that i can clearly listen to these instincts. i fill my life so much that i lose true alone time that is dedicated to me (usually my alone time is dedicated to working on any number of projects i am involved in). which leads me to the first fear i challenged on this trip:

the fear of being alone.

now, i've done the alone thing before. i do it well. but the more i am surrounded by a large, loving community, the more i forget how to be alone. i met a lot of internal resistance in the evenings while i was camping to the thought of being alone for hours in the dark with nothing to do. turns out, this is a wonderful thing. some of my favorite hours were spent staring into a fire, lost in thought.

the fear of isolation.

about two years ago i started having panic attacks when i was camping or anywhere far from civilization. the attacks usually manifested in the form of waking up in the middle of the night, claustrophobic, sweating and shaking uncontrollably, afraid i was going to need medical attention and there was no way to get help due to the isolation. this, while my head attempted to reason with my body telling it that everything was okay. it usually lasted anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour plus. it's even happened at some places i know well with a few hundred other people around. needless to say, i haven't looked forward to the nighttime when i go camping.

knowing this, i was certainly fearful of having episodes on this trip. i am happy to report that i didn't have any at all. i did wake up on the last night not knowing where the hell i was, but that sorted itself out quickly enough as i bonked my head on the flashlight hanging from the ceiling of my tent.

the fear of making the wrong choice.

i also tend to not be a decision-maker in my life because i don't want to be responsible for anyone else being let down by my decisions. this is paralyzing. it's affected my career, it's affected relationships i've been in, it's affected everything i do. i give up my power in order to avoid making mistakes. well, i'm done with that. during this trip, i learned that my instincts are accurate and all i need to do is listen to them and follow them. again and again they lead me to the right place on my vacation. i know from past experiences how holding back from these instincts damages my life and how others can feel when i am not living my truth. this was just another good lesson to remind me of that and good solid proof to show me that i can trust myself.

the fear of not being able to take care of myself.

see above. once again, i realized that i take care of myself just fine. i forget that for some stupid reason. somehow i forget that the fact that i have a place to live, food to eat, people who love me, people i love and stupid toys to play with are not a "given" ... that i have made this life for myself ... that i continue to make this life for myself. it's important to remember that the decisions you make matter and that living an active (rather than passive) life is a choice.

okay, i'm sounding preachy now, but that's just what i re-learned on this trip.

i totally fucking rock.

orcas island

i have three things to say about my trip to orcas island. no wait, four.

the first two are somewhat banal, so i'll get them out of the way. first is that orcas brought me my first viewing of a bald eagle in its natural habitat. these birds are just so beautiful. i don't know if it has anything to do with being force fed images of bald eagles my whole life or if it's just that they are so amazing. i guess i've always had a thing for large predatory birds (no, not that kind of thing!). this bird was flying around a mountain lake from tree to tree while looking for fish. it had an impressive wing span of about 5 feet or more and the sound of it's wings beating echoed across the stillness of the lake. i was enraptured. it felt like an honor to watch.

second was simply the view of all the san juan islands, the olympic mountains and mt. baker from the top of orcas island. i probably sat up there for hours watching the fog roll in in the evenings and burn off in the mornings. it was one of my favorite places on the trip ... but then i always liked sweeping views from above.

okay, now the good stuff ...

the proposal
i was on the ferry on the way to orcas island, sitting inside on the top deck looking out at the islands as we sailed to our destination. there weren't too many people outside on the outer deck of the ship, but there was this one couple who were in my peripheral vision. he was wearing a navy blue jacket, blue jeans, sneakers and a red baseball cap and had that city hipster look about him. she had thick curly brown hair and was wearing some comfortable hiker clothes and looked like a maturing ex-hippy. they were both probably in their mid-twenties.

as i was staring out the window i noticed the guy kneel down on one knee and look up at her nervously. he then withdrew a small black box from his jacket and her eyes lit up in shock and disbelief as he revealed the ring inside. they didn't move for what felt like minutes, but then he stood up and they exchanged some words and her shock became smiling and giggling and shyness and she just kept covering her mouth and stepping back and forth. he was very rigid and nervous and leaned in for a couple of awkward kisses, missing a few times and connecting with an eye or nose.

after a few more minutes like this, they settled out of the nervousness a bit and i watched them slow and gaze into each others eyes, i could see from her eyes just how totally in love she was with him. he relaxed as well and when they kissed, they connected which, of course, was followed by more jubilant laughing and squirming. then, they started to become aware of the other people around them and got a little more shy about it all and sat on a bench to call their parents. i think, though, that i was the only person aware of what was going on. everyone else seemed too wrapped up in what they were doing.

i planned on finding them when the boat docked to say congratulations and to thank them for inadvertantly allowing me to witness their engagement, but i couldn't find them. for me, it was the highlight of my day and i wish them a long and happy marriage.

defeated
on my second day on the island, i decided to do some moutain biking. several of the trails were not open for biking because it was high season on the island and the park service didn't want hikers and bikers colliding on trails in the middle of nowhere, because, really .. that's just a mess to clean up.

so what was available was a collection of trails in the southern portion of the park that were less frequented by ... anyone! after riding some of the more accessible trails, i decided to embark on this longer, more remote journey. i like a challenge. much to my chagrin, i quickly learned why no one hikes these trails. i began on a pleasant dirt trail in some sparsely populated woods and soon found myself going further and futher downhill, through impossible switchbacks and rooted paths ... next thing i know i'm careening through spiky plants and nettles and boucing over rocks and roots that were viturally invisible due to the trail being so overgrown. at one point, i stop to figure out where the hell i am and look down to find this giant spider on my chest just kinda looking up at me like, "HEY buddy! I spent all night on that web! Fuck you!" ... but before i could translate its sinister look, i did the sissy dance and wiped him the hell off of me!

then i noticed just how torn up i was from all the thorns and such. eventually, i found the bottom of the trail and rode haphazardly over hill and dale to finally encounter that which i was most worried about ... the trail back up.

now whoever thought this was a good biking trail was certainly on crack. i don't care if you are the lance armstrong of mountiain biking, but you can't ride up a 70 degree angle trail covered in roots, loose boulders and looser dirt. it's just not fun. so, i relented ... sweaty, smelly, bruised and bloody ... to walking the mile or so uphill back to the lake where i flopped down with no grace whatsoever and sighed a sigh of defeat.

damn you orcas island! damn you all to hell!!

the northern cascades

i spent a couple days up in the northern cascade mountains.

let me reprint for you my journal entry for that day. it goes:

"Dear god, you kick ass"

rachel's uncle Cal was kind enough to loan me his cabin just outside the park boundaries. it's more like a modified pre-fab tool shed, but with a stove, fridge and microwave! it did the trick. it's right next to a small creek which was the perfect location for breakfasts and dinners. i sat on the rocks next to the water looking up at the mountain peaks while chomping away on my cereal or pasta. i don't need anymore cereal or pasta for awhile ... or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for that matter. (it would be interesting to know, however, just how many thousands of PB&J sandwiches I've eaten in my lifetime. i'm actually surprised at this point that i haven't, as my mom used to promise, turned into a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich. a guy can dream, can't he?).

the best day by far was my hike to the cascade pass. the trailhead started about 20 miles down this dirt road, winding it's way into a valley carved out by glaciers. the hike (about 10 miles round trip) wasn't too difficult, but involved a 3,000 foot climb in switchbacks and skree fields. i encountered my first marmot on the trip. i actually didn't know what it was ... it was bigger than a beaver and it squeeked. it scampered around some large boulders just to the side of the skree field squeeking as it hopped. not very intimidated by this behavior, i tried to get closer to snap a photo, but i think he was on to my not-so-wiley ways. i encouraged the little beast that i wasn't going to hurt him, but he didn't seem to believe me. i did learn, however, that marmots do not respond to "here kitty, kitty, kitty". it was worth a shot.

(it was later, in the park ranger office that i learned it was a marmot. by the way, why didn't anyone tell me that the pacific northwest has all the cute park rangers? i swear everywhere i went, the park rangers were young attractive women ... where did all the nice, dorky old men go? not that i'm complaining.)

the hike proved to be stellar. the moutains are capped with glaciers and were still mostly covered in snow despite the lateness of the season. i hiked an extra peak to get a look at 'doubtful lake' in the basin of some of the mountains. waterfalls from the melting snow ran into the lake on several sides and the icy blue water reflected the clouds moving in from the north. i wanted to jump in, but i made that mistake in new zealand several years ago where i learned the true meaning of the phrase "takes your breath away". my testicles didn't descend for days. [hint: glacier fed lakes are not "refreshing"].

even while on the mountain, it was difficult to grasp the enormity of the earth i had just climbed. the grand canyon is like that ... you stand at the edge and slowly, very slowly, you start to take in the details of the canyon going deeper and deeper and you start to get just how immense that crack in the ground really is. the cascades were like that.

the next day i was thwarted by rock slides which closed down most of the road inside the park. the slides had trapped 65 people the night before who had to be evacuated on the east side of the park. the only way back to the west was a 10 hour detour road that went around the southern part of the mountain range. i'm very glad that wasn't me.

instead i drove around as much as i could and listened to Peter Gabriel's 'Passion' which, by the way, is very good scenic driving music.

my legs were pretty beat from the hike the day before, so in the end, i just decided to take off early for orcas island.

next on j.blog: proposals and bloody knees!

in the beginning there was seattle

seattle turned out to be a pretty okay town. i got to hang out with rachel (the coolest roommate i've ever had on the west coast) and clare (the coolest roommate i ever had on the east coast) and they got to meet each other which is pretty great.

rachel and the weissman clan are just the most fabulous people. once her mother warmed up to me, i was bombarded with her 101 business ideas that would make someone a million bucks. i would tell you any one of them, but i'm sworn to secrecy. i swear one of them has nothing to do with pirates.

to be honest, when rachel and her mom are together, it's hard to keep up. it's like watching a movie on fast forward. everytime i tried to speak, i'd find i was commenting on something that was mentioned 5 minutes earlier ...like i was moving in ultra slow motion, my voice all stretched out and low ... "noooooo, iiiiiii doooooon't thiiiinnnnkk thhaaaaaaattsssss a baaaaaadddddd iiiiddeeeeeaaaaaaa". i think her mom liked me though, i at least got points for helping smoosh animal poop into her rose garden to make her flowers grow better.

rachel is probably one of the bestest people i know. she bent over backwards for me last weekend and pretty much helped me get my shit together for my camping. she's good like that. we had lots of fun and she even got electrocuted!

clare is a muppet. a triathalon doing muppet. she had to register the day before the race and they pre-marked her arm with her race number in black grease paint (which is totally stupid b/c it just wears off and they do it again the next day anyway), but this just means that she got to walk around Seattle all day on saturday with a big '69' on her arm. she swears that it said 4769, but we all know she's lying. just give it up clare, we got yer number.

clare and i went to see the famous fish tossing at the market. trick is, somebody has to buy a fish first. which no one did. there were 40 people standing around waiting for just one lousy sap to buy a fish. but as we all know, fish are yukky. who would want to buy a fish? they weren't even alive so you could play with them.

on my last night there, rachel and her friend haley took me to the worst party i've ever been to. it was like a frat party with no alcohol ... complete with skanks! there were a few redeamable people there which made the 15 minutes we stayed tolerable, but i made rachel promise to never do that to me again.

this is a dumb way to end a post, but you'll just have to deal 'cause otherwise i'm never going to write all these updates i didn't do when they were fresh in my head.

14 on 4 and 1/2

i did it. i'm in seattle. 14 hours flat with 6 stops for gas and food and an hour in rush hour traffic through portland. i could've made it in 12.5 if i didn't eat or pee. damn those biological needs ... they're so ... needy!

it was really quite fast oddly enough ... it barely felt like i drove 3 hours - which surprises me b/c i only got four and a half hours sleep last night. why am i still awake!? wait, where am i? toto?

i'm so glad i made it in one day, i got here at 8:15pm - just in time to take a quick shower and sit on the porch to watch the sunset over the lake from the house on mercer island. i'm staying at my friend rachel's house. it rocks. so good to see her again. we lived together for a year and a half in sf and she was easily the best roommate i ever had (with the exception of girlfriends i lived with). we even got to go apartment hunting tonight which, believe me, is much more fun when you are looking for a place for someone else to live. "No, really, I think you can fit a bed in this closet ... it's, um, homey!"

so .. what did i learn from 14 hours on the road ... lets see:

1. nuclear power plants are creepy.

i passed one in southern washington and it was nestled in a small rolling hill by a lake. it was both beautiful in it's massive and simple form and creepy at the same time. an odd mix of masculine and feminine presence

2. kiss is the greatest rock-n-roll bank on earth!

when looking for books on cd from the sf public library, i only found two of interest. basically because they only had four. one is 'The Two Towers' and the other is 'KISS and Make-Up' written and read by the one and only Gene Simmons.

now, i grew up a HUGE KISS fan. they were my very first music love. i remember staring for hours at the big spread inside the KISS ALIVE II album with Peter Chris up on the drum platform decorated with outlines of cats in lights, drums sparkling in the light, gene spitting fire, ace and paul looking all badass ...

anyway, the book is dreadful and yet gripping in that "i have to know more about this band i loved" sorta way. it's mostly Gene talking about how many women he's slept with ... ooh, i'm sorry, i mean "liasions" ... and the problems the band had due to Ace Frehley and Peter Criss.

what was most entertaining was that in between segments of this book, i would listen to David Deida mp3s my friend jon loaned me. deida, of course, talking about masculine and feminine energies and how men can open women in such a complete and loving ways, providing space for their true goddess energy.

and then Gene talking about banging any number of his 4000+ liaisons.

now that's entertainment.

3. there really are bush supporters in the country.

i kinda forget that living in san francisco. this man in a small honda civic ended up cutting me off on the freeway and i noticed that he had a bush/cheney 2004 bumper sticker. i disliked him immediately. as it happens on a long road trip, you tend to drive near the same cars for long stretches and end up passing each other a lot. me in my utmost example of maturity, made it my mission to never let him in front of me (i.e. so i would always speed up if he was going to try to merge) and would give him the evil eye when he tried. i know it's stupid ... but i was in a car for 14 hours, give me a break!

alright, i really must go to sleep now.
be seeing you!