Thursday, July 29, 2004

careful what you ask for

last week at work was kinda slow.  i thought to myself ... i like it much better when i'm really busy.  of course, now i'm really busy and the piles keep getting bigger.

i like it better when it's slow.

in other news, sarah's home!  i got a call last night from her which was a huge surprise b/c i didn't think she was getting back for another couple weeks.  it was really good to talk to her and we should hopefully hook up this weekend sometime so she can gloat about being in asia for 7 months.  as long as she has presents ....

somehow i took a chunk out of my cheek yesterday.  that, or i have some disease eating away at my mouth.  i don't remember feeling the sharp intense pain that would have had to have come with the hole in the side of my cheek, so i'm not sure how it got there.  maybe i did it in my sleep - i have had some fucked up dreams lately.

the other night i dreampt that i woke up in the hospital after a bike accident and apparantly lost some recent memories b/c my ex-girlfriend came in and i thought she was still my girlfriend.  so, i'm in the hospital, all busted up, only to re-learn that i'm not in a relationship with this woman anymore.  not exactly a restful dream.  it makes me wonder if there is any unfinished business in my head around all this.  i don't think so.  my heart still has some stuff going on around it all (duh!), but i think i'm otherwise a.o.k.  it's certainly the most mature and transformative break-up i've ever had.

hmmm ... i have nothing else to say right now.  i'm going to go see if i can find Clinton's speech online since i missed it the other night and the reports are that it was incredible.  such things should be heard.  i'm feeling optimistic about getting bush out of office.  i think we're gonna win.

go team!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

5 things that annoy me ...

5 things that annoy me today:

1. biting my cheek, like 4 times today.  ow already!

2. day-long meetings followed by evening-long meetings.

3. my downstairs neighbor's tv going on a full-volume at 3:30am and them not hearing it.

4. riding in the bike lane (on my bike) on the way to work and almost getting doored.

5. making a list about things that annoy me.

 
5 things that make me happy today:

1. making a bowling date for next week.

2. saying something smart in a day-long meeting.

3. long-term crushes.

4. cookies for dessert.

5. you reading my otherwise unread blog!

Monday, July 26, 2004

vacation approaching

i have 2.5 weeks off starting August 11th and I haven't made any plans yet.  i might just hop in my car and drive somewhere and be "on my own" for a couple weeks.  it sounds good minus the high cost of gas, but it sure beats the hell out of sitting around in SF while all my friends are working.

i thought that i would use my frequent flier miles to go to hawaii or costa rica for 10 days, but found out that they fricken expired because i hadn't made any changes to my account in three years.  so i spent an hour on the phone yelling at them for not notifying me, trying to get them to reinstate the miles, but it didn't work.  i wrote Michael Finney at Channel 7 news today to step in as my consumer advocate.  His team puts the pressure on stupid corporations trying to jerk the consumer around.  even if it works, though, it may not happen in time for me to fly anywhere good for my vacation.

i got some friends to see in the pacific northwest, so maybe i'll do that.

any of you (3)? people have suggestions for my vacation? 
anyone wanna go on a road trip!?

 

Thursday, July 22, 2004

i love people right now

i love people right now.  it's really just the simple things that can perk me up. 

xooxy gave me some props over email and that was great to read, plus her general appreciation of our friendship makes me quite happy.  she is a good egg.

the storm mentioned last night that it was good to see me and talk with me again (it's been awhile) and that too was just a simple little gesture that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

i'm coming to terms with the fact that i will always need positive reinforcement from people - that i am not some super-human who doesn't need other people's approval or attention (as i sometimes like to believe) and that that is okay. 

otherwise, i've completely forgotten about anything else i was going to write about. 

so, without further ado .... neener neener neeener!



 

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

16 days

I only have 16 work days left and then I go on vacation!!  Of course, I haven't made any plans yet, but I am fairly certain I'll figure something out soon enough.  I hope. 
 
Wanna go somewhere with me?
 
I'm thinkin' Seattle to visit a couple friends for a few days, a few days up at Bruinslair, maybe a meditation retreat, maybe a drive to a national park I've never been too ... maybe I'll go spelunking.  I've never been spelunking.  maybe I'll go bowlunking: deep cave bowling.  i imagine the echo of a strike would be deafening.
 
Last weekend at Willits was a ker-BLAST!  I had a lot of great conversations, learned how to walk a slack line, did a combat exercise with big padded sticks (and helmets and pads), danced, slept, swam, and drummed.
 
I'll admit it, I'm a drum snob.  I *so* much prefer playing drums with people who know how to play drums.  It allows you to go places.  I mean, teaching and being with people who are learning is great too, but there's nothing like immersing yourself into a small posse of drummers.
 
I also gave a lot of impromtu massages.  The feedback lead me to realize I should re-start my practice - it will help with expenses during school.
 
It was also quite easy to be around Madhavi and Zack.  So much so, it just kinda seemed natural.  My anger has completely evaporated and that is such a relief.  I did feel jealous a few times when I felt like being snuggly with someone and then saw them together, but that didn't last very long and I realize it has nothing to do with either of them.  I look forward to it only becoming easier and more comfortable. 
 
I did run into my stupid 'ole demons again.  Those voices that say I'm not good enough or interesting or attractive or fun ... i socked most of them squarely in the jaw and told them to fuck off.  it worked for the most part. 
 
i guess i'll always have to deal with many of those insecurities.  it's just my relationship to them that will change.  i feel pretty good about my relationship with them right now, though it's annoying to have to deal with them at all.  such an unfortunate game we play.
 
what's interesting is that again and again, when I talk about these things with other people who, to me, seem *so* together .. they usually say, "oh yeah, i deal with that too!"
 
i guess it's just good to remember we're all in the same boat. 
 
who's steering this thing anyway?  can we stop in belize?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

goin' to willits!

i'm goin' to willits
gonna drink up the sun
i'm goin' to willits
gonna get me some ...

dancin' shoes and sun rays
friendly hugs and lazy days

i'm goin' to willits
gonna swim with my friends
i'm goin' to willits
there won't be no end ...

to the laughter and the joy
to the dancing and fire poi

i'm goin' to willits
gonna play in the grass
i'm goin' to willts
gonna sit on my ass

wahoo!

this concludes my midnight packing-procrastination poem/song.
pong? soem???

who cares? i'm goin' to willits!!

see you there ...

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

thongs thongs everywhere

last night was my friend km's bachelor party.
he wanted a "traditional" bachelor party.

we started in golden gate park with the group of men eating mexican food, drinking whiskey and drilling km with questions about why he's getting married. this interrogation had happened before, so he was prepared and had suitable answers. he was allowed to keep his pants on.

we then, as mature men will do, proceeded to give him advice. this, i will not share with you, but i will say ... well, no I won't.

and then, as all good bachelor parties do, we hit the strip clubs. i had never yet had the, um, pleasure? of going to a strip club and, lo! 2 in one night!

we started at Larry Flynt's Hustler Club right next to the woman-owned co-op, The Lusty Lady (where I know a few dancers). the hustler club is like a candy store for dirty old men ... and bachelors. scantily-clad *beautiful* women roaming the floor and sitting on laps, chatting you up and trying to take your precious dollars - all while taking turns dancing on the main stage in the middle of the club.

i was quite pleased and amused that the mirror on the ceiling at the top of the pole had scratch marks on it from the deadly heels on their shoes. i have never before seen such, er, ... pole work.

all in all it wasn't an unpleasant experience - mostly because the women were real. that is, you could have real conversations with them. i really just wanted to interview most of them as to why they were dancers, if they truly enjoyed it - or if it was just a job, how they dealt with the sleazeballs, how it affected relationships, etc.

one of the boys arranged my first-ever lap dance from Sasha. sasha was sweet. sasha was hot. sasha was very good at her job. and in order to enjoy the experience, i had to turn off the progressive, moral part of my brain and just allow myself to get wrapped up in the fantasy.

there's something to be said about that fantasy. i mean, if a girlfriend performed a lap dance for me, it would be hot, but there is that added allure to knowing you can't go any further with the women in the club. no touching, no kissing, nothing. there's something very erotic about that.

the other thing that surprised me about the club is that the women weren't physically augmented. i find fake bodies and plastic surgery rather revolting. the women were very down-to-earth and real (even though their goal is to get you to spend money). when that relationship is understood, it leaves room for honesty.

after km had his fill of hot women in his lap, we went to "The World Famous Crazy Horse". the dancer's here get fully nude and because of that, there's no alcohol. allow me to set the scene. you walk into a long, narrow room. the back is set up like your typical movie theater (though I am glad to report the floors are no where near as sticky as a movie theater - go figure). then, at the front of the room is a long, red-carpeted cat-walk with three rows of seats on either side. at the far end of the catwalk is the small stage with ... you guessed it ... mirrors and poles!

scattered about the room are smal groups of men and some individuals. not too many are sitting up along the catwalk, so we took our seats on either side. this is where you put your money and get the, er, close-ups of the dancers. the women were attractive and certainly dance well ... but, I had a real issue with this place. it felt demeaning and demoralizing. i found myself doing mental brainflips between thoughts like (a) "there are hot naked women undulating in front of me" (b) "i hate watching these women be so objectified and removed from the experience" (c) "you don't know your friends until you see them react to boobs and ass being smooshed in their faces", and (d) i think i might leave here with a puncture wound from a stiletto"

it's honestly a difficult experience to convey. on the one hand, i just don't like the idea of strippers and the negative connotations that go along with the profession. on the other hand, i'm a man and there are very attractive women dancing in my lap or undulating on the floor in front of me. there's the natural impulse to be turned on by it all and then the rational brain gets in there and reminds you how fucked up it all is. at first i felt guilty about that side of me that enjoyed it, but now i just see that there are different aspects to the experience.

suffice it to say, it was enjoyable on some levels and unpleasant on others and i'm very glad i went with such a great group of men. would i do it again? i wouldn't choose to, but if it was a similar situation where i was giving a party for someone whose request it was to go ... i'd check it out.


Sunday, July 11, 2004

awe yeah!

i have earned weariness. it's been a full weekend and literally every moment has been in service to others (well, except for the showering and brushing of teeth, but realistically, that's in service too ... so people don't have to smell me!).

Yesterday I gave my time and energy to a conference that my friends put together called Awe to Action. It was a day of conversations exploring the phenomenon of awe and discussing ways to bring that experience into the opportunities we create and communities we build as well as seeking possibilities to create space for more awe to occur and inspire more people.

Of course, I spent the majority of my time working the registration desk (I was the registration manager) and didn't experience very much of the content of the conference, but it was quite fulfilling to hold space for others to be there and to do as much as possible to create a seemless experience for the participants. I come away having no regrets for missing a lot of the conference and that feels good - though I do wonder how much of my willingness to forgo the sessions was a lack of trust in others to do the job well. There were so many situations that came up that were unexpected and I felt responsible for not being able to assign authority to others and there was that part of me that felt like I should just be there to deal with it all. I'm not yet sure if that is an appropriate response, or if I should have just let go. I had issues with this in the past as a supervisor and am not sure where that line is between delegating and doing it myself. I know I am someone who likes to have things under control and I may not have allowed myself to disappear for lengths of time so that I could make sure everything was running smoothly.

Today, I started with a Smartsoul fieldtrip to the grocery store (looking at sustainable food choices and purchasing habits), followed by a planning meeting for the upcoming RS event at Camp & Sons, followed by an RS council meeting.

Luckily, for all of these things, I am able to spend time with good friends and laugh a lot. I particularly like spending time with xooxy, xooxy makes me laugh a lot!

I had many wonderful interactions yesterday and today. Yesterday, in particular, I had many different types of connections with people (old friends and new) that just really filled me up.

And yet, I also held back on a number of occaisons. Not saying things that I wanted to say. Not standing my ground, or not acknowledging people or not opening up to people and being vulnerable or taking risks.

I like coming out of this weekend wanting more. I like having spent some really good time with people and I like this feeling bubbling inside of craving more. It's a good thing.

This weekend, I am going to fucking relax though. My job for the RS event is getting the space ready for people, and after that, I'm going to fucking relax. And laugh. And celebrate what an awesome community I have and celebrate what an awesome life I have.

I give thanks everyday for the wonders of life and for all that I have been given. I am fortunate to have the life that I do and I'm beginning to learn that there is a fight underway to keep that possibility alive. I think in order to fight that battle, you must first appeaciate what it is you are fighting for. I get it. And I don't want to fight, but I'll push back against the forces trying to take away my rights and my life.

And that's taking my awe and putting it into action.

Friday, July 09, 2004

3 things

you ever go to the grocery store and only buy a cucumber? that must be a weird thing to do since i just got very strange looks from the checkout clerk. perhaps it was that i didn't need a bag and just stuck it in my pocket?

it reminds me of this game we play once and awhile when we're bored or very very tired. i'll call it "3 things". the point of the game is to come up with 3 things you could buy at a grocery store that would illicit the biggest response from the checkout clerk.

here's mine:

a jar of tomato sauce, rat poison, and a "sorry for your loss" card

-or-

vaselline, a funnel and chili sauce


Your turn.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

sbc can kiss my ass

I don't think there's much to add to the title statement.

i think that, from this day forward, I will unleash all my hatred and wrath upon SBC DSL. they can kiss my fuzzy little ass.

the end.

Friday, July 02, 2004

i'm so wasted

thanks to "e", i just spent an hour playing online games at work.

okay, i lied ... two hours.

okay, okay ... two and a half hours!

what a total waste of time. sigh.

in my defense, i shall say that no one is here anyway and all i can think about is the fact that i get to go to bruinslair for the weekend and hang out with lots and lots of beautiful people dancing and swimming and laying around naked and all glisteny.

plus there's the added benefit of being away from my computer and cell phone and sleeping under the stars and drinking cocktails by the bonfire.

it really just doesn't suck.

but this very unrelated and old piece of news does suck (but i still think it's funny):

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4096586/

Note to self: never move a large dead whale just becuase he has a large penis that i want to study.

***

I think there's officially 3, count 'em, THREE people who read this. Ed. Emily. Sarah. I've considered telling others that this little 'ole blog exists and I write as if I'm writing to a vast and attentive audience of at least FIVE people ... but I think I will just let it leak out slowly.

If you are reading and feel inspired, write a comment. I'm curious.

Even more than curious, though, I'm off for the weekend!! Wahoooooo!

js

Thursday, July 01, 2004

smartsouls

So, I'm a coach for this program that some friends of mine developed called "SmartSoul". It's a 6-week personal sustainability program that helps each individual take a look at how they can make small changes in their daily lives that will create a large impact on the sustainability of their lives and the planet.

I've been conscious of living sustainably for the past couple years and have made some efforts here and there, but having this extra encouragement has really helped me push past some of the lazy moments I tend to get stopped by.

The idea is not for people to make huge, immediate behavioral changes because, in reality, that's not sustainable - people get over the "high" and then forget they learned anything. No, it's about the little things. Accumulated little things making a big thing. That big thing is bigger'n you and bigger'n me.

This week, I have:

*changed my showerhead to a low-flow nozzle (works and still feels great!),

*been more mindful in the food purchases I make (looking at how things are packaged and buying more organic foods),

*paid more attention to when I use my car or not (and carpooling whenever possible if driving is necessary), and

*learned about all the recycling i can be doing besides paper, glass and food!

It's very rewarding and witnessing participants who have made significant shifts in the way they look at their lives is truly inspiring.

It's a real honor to have so many friends doing wonderful things in the world and it's often a challenge to not want to help everyone out. As it is, I'm a bit over-committed with all the roles I've taken, but it's fulfilling and fun.

The downside to SmartSoul is just how irritated I've become when I see people blatantly polluting the earth or unnecessarily wasting resources. I have to remember that the most powerful leaders lead by example. So not only am I here to do my part, but by doing my part I have to hope I can lead people to living more sustainable lives.

Besides, doing something is better than nothing.

The glass is definitly half-full. Mmmmm, tasty!