i have earned weariness. it's been a full weekend and literally every moment has been in service to others (well, except for the showering and brushing of teeth, but realistically, that's in service too ... so people don't have to smell me!).
Yesterday I gave my time and energy to a conference that my friends put together called Awe to Action. It was a day of conversations exploring the phenomenon of awe and discussing ways to bring that experience into the opportunities we create and communities we build as well as seeking possibilities to create space for more awe to occur and inspire more people.
Of course, I spent the majority of my time working the registration desk (I was the registration manager) and didn't experience very much of the content of the conference, but it was quite fulfilling to hold space for others to be there and to do as much as possible to create a seemless experience for the participants. I come away having no regrets for missing a lot of the conference and that feels good - though I do wonder how much of my willingness to forgo the sessions was a lack of trust in others to do the job well. There were so many situations that came up that were unexpected and I felt responsible for not being able to assign authority to others and there was that part of me that felt like I should just be there to deal with it all. I'm not yet sure if that is an appropriate response, or if I should have just let go. I had issues with this in the past as a supervisor and am not sure where that line is between delegating and doing it myself. I know I am someone who likes to have things under control and I may not have allowed myself to disappear for lengths of time so that I could make sure everything was running smoothly.
Today, I started with a Smartsoul fieldtrip to the grocery store (looking at sustainable food choices and purchasing habits), followed by a planning meeting for the upcoming RS event at Camp & Sons, followed by an RS council meeting.
Luckily, for all of these things, I am able to spend time with good friends and laugh a lot. I particularly like spending time with xooxy, xooxy makes me laugh a lot!
I had many wonderful interactions yesterday and today. Yesterday, in particular, I had many different types of connections with people (old friends and new) that just really filled me up.
And yet, I also held back on a number of occaisons. Not saying things that I wanted to say. Not standing my ground, or not acknowledging people or not opening up to people and being vulnerable or taking risks.
I like coming out of this weekend wanting more. I like having spent some really good time with people and I like this feeling bubbling inside of craving more. It's a good thing.
This weekend, I am going to fucking relax though. My job for the RS event is getting the space ready for people, and after that, I'm going to fucking relax. And laugh. And celebrate what an awesome community I have and celebrate what an awesome life I have.
I give thanks everyday for the wonders of life and for all that I have been given. I am fortunate to have the life that I do and I'm beginning to learn that there is a fight underway to keep that possibility alive. I think in order to fight that battle, you must first appeaciate what it is you are fighting for. I get it. And I don't want to fight, but I'll push back against the forces trying to take away my rights and my life.
And that's taking my awe and putting it into action.
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