"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part
limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and
feelings, as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical
delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for
us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few
persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this
prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living
creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
~ Albert Einstein
Friday, March 31, 2006
and you may ask yourself
i wrote a big, long journal entry the other day that i was going to post here. it was about my experience on tuesday night in the leadership training and the deepening of awareness it brought to the lessons in my life right now.
but, it's several pages that can really be summed up in a few lines:
i've spent many many years of my life giving up my voice, opinions, desires when faced with a choice between what i want and what someone else wants. mostly, when in connection with that other person, i do it when i feel like there is something to lose. in other words, i accommodate to others in an effort to look good, control the situation, be likable, be non-confrontational and so i don't have to be in a situation where i state what i want and then not get it.
this behavior is married to the extent to which i depend on external sources to validate who i am. a deficit in my life is the "truly getting my self-worth/value" and the "accepting of everything that i am". the disconnect is where these are all things i "know" and get on an intellectual level and yet have such a vacancy of on an emotional level.
(and, for the record, none of this is obviously so dualistic that there isn't a lot of blending of the two extremes)
my journey right now is bridging that gap that is filled with old defense mechanisms, illusions, and ways of being that served me at one time in my life, but not anymore. conceptually, it seems so easy and yet the path is not so clear. or is it? one practice is to notice those times when i begin to hold myself back and to cross over that line and say what it is i want to say.
it's a poignant time for me to be addressing all this. the separation from ami confronts many of these old triggers.
lately, i wake most mornings feeling lonely. there was a time several months ago where i woke alone, but not lonely. right now, i feel abandoned and confused. in general, i am feeling much more solid, grounded and open ... but the sorrow, anger and disappointment are still with me. i cannot rush through these feelings. i miss her. i miss the companionship. i miss the intimacy with her. it feels like i've been shut out by one of my best friends. and it hurts to have the perception that this separation isn't all that hard for her. the change feels so drastic - more so than seems necessary.
i am surprised by the gentleness in which i feel all these things. it occurs to me the more i allow all the emotions to come, the less force they need to make themselves known. i've noticed a few times when there are strong spikes of emotion how i've been avoiding a particular feeling or hiding from it. that awareness feels good.
and i am thankful for the wealth of love and acceptance i have for her.
everything feels like a giant pendulum this week.
i always have so much more to say when i write than when i speak. i believe the time it takes to type allows me to get further inside and uncover other things that are coming up for me. i want to tell you about my feelings about transformational work and how, on some levels, it feels like a ridiculous luxury to think about these things. i want to share with you thoughts about my upcoming trip. i want to expose other fears and excitement that seem to be pervasive in my day to day life.
but for now, i am just going to get back to being. allowing this morning's sadness to flow through me and make space for whatever is next.
****
sometimes i sit back and i think "this is all really happening".
i feel like i've been in a haze for the past while.
where am i? how did i get here?
it all makes sense ... and it all doesn't
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?
but, it's several pages that can really be summed up in a few lines:
i've spent many many years of my life giving up my voice, opinions, desires when faced with a choice between what i want and what someone else wants. mostly, when in connection with that other person, i do it when i feel like there is something to lose. in other words, i accommodate to others in an effort to look good, control the situation, be likable, be non-confrontational and so i don't have to be in a situation where i state what i want and then not get it.
this behavior is married to the extent to which i depend on external sources to validate who i am. a deficit in my life is the "truly getting my self-worth/value" and the "accepting of everything that i am". the disconnect is where these are all things i "know" and get on an intellectual level and yet have such a vacancy of on an emotional level.
(and, for the record, none of this is obviously so dualistic that there isn't a lot of blending of the two extremes)
my journey right now is bridging that gap that is filled with old defense mechanisms, illusions, and ways of being that served me at one time in my life, but not anymore. conceptually, it seems so easy and yet the path is not so clear. or is it? one practice is to notice those times when i begin to hold myself back and to cross over that line and say what it is i want to say.
it's a poignant time for me to be addressing all this. the separation from ami confronts many of these old triggers.
lately, i wake most mornings feeling lonely. there was a time several months ago where i woke alone, but not lonely. right now, i feel abandoned and confused. in general, i am feeling much more solid, grounded and open ... but the sorrow, anger and disappointment are still with me. i cannot rush through these feelings. i miss her. i miss the companionship. i miss the intimacy with her. it feels like i've been shut out by one of my best friends. and it hurts to have the perception that this separation isn't all that hard for her. the change feels so drastic - more so than seems necessary.
i am surprised by the gentleness in which i feel all these things. it occurs to me the more i allow all the emotions to come, the less force they need to make themselves known. i've noticed a few times when there are strong spikes of emotion how i've been avoiding a particular feeling or hiding from it. that awareness feels good.
and i am thankful for the wealth of love and acceptance i have for her.
everything feels like a giant pendulum this week.
i always have so much more to say when i write than when i speak. i believe the time it takes to type allows me to get further inside and uncover other things that are coming up for me. i want to tell you about my feelings about transformational work and how, on some levels, it feels like a ridiculous luxury to think about these things. i want to share with you thoughts about my upcoming trip. i want to expose other fears and excitement that seem to be pervasive in my day to day life.
but for now, i am just going to get back to being. allowing this morning's sadness to flow through me and make space for whatever is next.
****
sometimes i sit back and i think "this is all really happening".
i feel like i've been in a haze for the past while.
where am i? how did i get here?
it all makes sense ... and it all doesn't
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?
After a while
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
~ Veronica Shoffstall 1971
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
~ Veronica Shoffstall 1971
Absolutely Clear
Absolutely Clear
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
~Hafiz
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
~Hafiz
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
end/beginning
Well, it's over. Whatever "it" was. Last night Ami and I spoke for a couple hours about the state of our relatedness. She was clear on the fact that she is done with our exploration and I finally gave up the pursuit of finding a fit between us that looks a certain way.
Today I am feeling a gentle sadness and an uncomfortable emptiness. The sadness is expected and, fortunately, I feel like I've already been through the gut-wrenching agony of this transition. What I feel now has a peaceful undertone to it. The emptiness comes from this feeling of loss. Loss of something I never really had. Well, that's partially true. Part of me felt like I was in a relationship, but the truth of the matter is, we never really had a relationship (in the "partnership" sense). We did have a very close relatedness that I cherished (the time together, the intimacy, the knowing she was out there thinking of me and that we would spend time together soon). I feel sad for the loss of that. This feeling makes it all the more clear to me how much I am just wanting some regularity in my connections with people ... the feeling of intimacy with others such that I know it won't be several weeks before I spend time with them again. The feeling that someone else is a priority in my life and I in theirs. I want this with a few people, not just one. I know it's something I have to jointly create and have doubts to how easy that will be ... everyone is so involved and busy. Perhaps it's a matter of having a more open definition of what all that looks like.
Regret is one of my least favorite feelings and yet it seems to fit a lot of what I am feeling right now.
Regret
1a: to mourn the loss or death of, b: to miss very much
2:to be very sorry for
I regret the way that this had to come about.
I regret that I didn't trust in her conviction about not wanting a relationship and allowing the lines to blur with messages that seemed mixed.
I regret where the unknown strength of my desire for something more got in the way of where I was agreeing to be.
I regret that I let her down in that way and did not uphold what I said I would, completely.
I do not feel like I need to blame myself for this ... I get why and how it happened. It's unfortunate. I have learned a hell of a lot from this experience about my own need for clarity in life (especially when it involves another so intimately) and I believe I'll continue to learn. It seems impossible to even capture in writing everything that this is teaching me.
I fell and am deeply in love with this woman. What I hope to find peace around is this: ever since the first day that we spent together, I've had this deep, clear feeling that, translated, says "I found you". That has been with me every day for the past nearly 5 months. Some days it was vivid and tangible, most days it was just this feeling buried deep inside. It feels like both an amazing blessing and a tragedy at the same time. I don't know what to make of it. I am open to seeing how that can be true and that it doesn't have to mean that we are supposed to be partners. Like Sarah, I trust that she will be in my life in a significant way.
I feel sad that I may have hurt her in any way.
I feel angry that she hurt me.
I am angry at the universe for all of this.
And yet, getting back to the "greater scheme of things" I do believe that people show up in our lives for a time, capacity and reason. It's clear to me how much our experience has taught one another. I am thankful for that. Really. Truly. It helps me feel the acceptance for what is.
For whatever it's worth, Mercury came out of retrograde on the 25th. To whatever extent I believe in Astrology, there is something to be said about that occurrence and what these past 3 weeks have felt like. Is it a coincidence that that period of time was the most chaotic in my life recently? Hmmmmm.
I hate that I feel lonely.
Admittedly, there is also some relief in all of this. I can't say it is a surprise at all. I feel like I've been preparing for it for the past couple weeks. Having resolution feels wonderful regardless of the outcome.
Regret. Despite what I said above, I also do not regret any of this. If you asked me a week ago about the Shakespearian saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," I would have told you to go suck on an egg. But, in actuality, I agree. I would never have passed up this experience. And "lost" is such a subjective term. I haven't lost love at all. We are both still very much deeply in love with one another. That is real. What is lost is the fabrication that it was anything other than it was. Understandably, I grew attached to that fantasy and letting go is painful.
It may very well continue to be a difficult transition ... I can't predict how I'm going to feel nor do I want to try. Right now, I am present to sadness, emptiness, relief, and a vaporous excitement and optimism for what comes next for us ... the growth and deepening of intimacy and love through friendship. I can also feel the hopeful anticipation of having fun together again once some of the dust settles.
What's most important to me is Ami ... in my life ... deeply. I will release that having to look a particular way and surrender to allowing it to be as it wants to be ... all the while paying attention to not giving up who I am to have it.
I bow to the gods of time.
Today I am feeling a gentle sadness and an uncomfortable emptiness. The sadness is expected and, fortunately, I feel like I've already been through the gut-wrenching agony of this transition. What I feel now has a peaceful undertone to it. The emptiness comes from this feeling of loss. Loss of something I never really had. Well, that's partially true. Part of me felt like I was in a relationship, but the truth of the matter is, we never really had a relationship (in the "partnership" sense). We did have a very close relatedness that I cherished (the time together, the intimacy, the knowing she was out there thinking of me and that we would spend time together soon). I feel sad for the loss of that. This feeling makes it all the more clear to me how much I am just wanting some regularity in my connections with people ... the feeling of intimacy with others such that I know it won't be several weeks before I spend time with them again. The feeling that someone else is a priority in my life and I in theirs. I want this with a few people, not just one. I know it's something I have to jointly create and have doubts to how easy that will be ... everyone is so involved and busy. Perhaps it's a matter of having a more open definition of what all that looks like.
Regret is one of my least favorite feelings and yet it seems to fit a lot of what I am feeling right now.
Regret
1a: to mourn the loss or death of, b: to miss very much
2:to be very sorry for
I regret the way that this had to come about.
I regret that I didn't trust in her conviction about not wanting a relationship and allowing the lines to blur with messages that seemed mixed.
I regret where the unknown strength of my desire for something more got in the way of where I was agreeing to be.
I regret that I let her down in that way and did not uphold what I said I would, completely.
I do not feel like I need to blame myself for this ... I get why and how it happened. It's unfortunate. I have learned a hell of a lot from this experience about my own need for clarity in life (especially when it involves another so intimately) and I believe I'll continue to learn. It seems impossible to even capture in writing everything that this is teaching me.
I fell and am deeply in love with this woman. What I hope to find peace around is this: ever since the first day that we spent together, I've had this deep, clear feeling that, translated, says "I found you". That has been with me every day for the past nearly 5 months. Some days it was vivid and tangible, most days it was just this feeling buried deep inside. It feels like both an amazing blessing and a tragedy at the same time. I don't know what to make of it. I am open to seeing how that can be true and that it doesn't have to mean that we are supposed to be partners. Like Sarah, I trust that she will be in my life in a significant way.
I feel sad that I may have hurt her in any way.
I feel angry that she hurt me.
I am angry at the universe for all of this.
And yet, getting back to the "greater scheme of things" I do believe that people show up in our lives for a time, capacity and reason. It's clear to me how much our experience has taught one another. I am thankful for that. Really. Truly. It helps me feel the acceptance for what is.
For whatever it's worth, Mercury came out of retrograde on the 25th. To whatever extent I believe in Astrology, there is something to be said about that occurrence and what these past 3 weeks have felt like. Is it a coincidence that that period of time was the most chaotic in my life recently? Hmmmmm.
I hate that I feel lonely.
Admittedly, there is also some relief in all of this. I can't say it is a surprise at all. I feel like I've been preparing for it for the past couple weeks. Having resolution feels wonderful regardless of the outcome.
Regret. Despite what I said above, I also do not regret any of this. If you asked me a week ago about the Shakespearian saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," I would have told you to go suck on an egg. But, in actuality, I agree. I would never have passed up this experience. And "lost" is such a subjective term. I haven't lost love at all. We are both still very much deeply in love with one another. That is real. What is lost is the fabrication that it was anything other than it was. Understandably, I grew attached to that fantasy and letting go is painful.
It may very well continue to be a difficult transition ... I can't predict how I'm going to feel nor do I want to try. Right now, I am present to sadness, emptiness, relief, and a vaporous excitement and optimism for what comes next for us ... the growth and deepening of intimacy and love through friendship. I can also feel the hopeful anticipation of having fun together again once some of the dust settles.
What's most important to me is Ami ... in my life ... deeply. I will release that having to look a particular way and surrender to allowing it to be as it wants to be ... all the while paying attention to not giving up who I am to have it.
I bow to the gods of time.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
solid
Friday night I played drums again in front of a couple hundred people. I had a really good time for most of it. There were a number of challenges to overcome related to the sound, dealing with bandmate’s frustrations and handling some low-grade nerves in the beginning. I felt like I was able to lose myself in the music for a lot of the performance, though I also felt where I was conscious of how I looked while playing at times (am I making a weird face?). heh heh.
We got seriously delayed in starting (which pretty much always happens) and that was a bummer because our second set didn’t start until 12:40 and so many people had left by that time. This was such an important night for Ian (the guy I was drumming for) and I could tell that he was a little bummed that all of the complications surfaced the way they did.
It was great to come off stage after each set and hear from friends how much they loved hearing and seeing me play … especially that so many of them remarked about how hot and sexy it was. I guess that’s what happens when you put a man in his element.
Ahmi showed up too, against many odds. She deserves credit for all that she went through to get there – esp. since she is usually not interested in going out on Friday nights. Unfortunately, due to the challenges of getting to the gig, she missed the first set and was only able to catch one song of the second. I was pretty bummed about all that … I’d been wanting for her to hear me play for a long time. Drumming is such an integral part of who I am and a way to express my soul without having to muck it up with words that do or do not fit in the moment. It’s a way to disengage from my head, allowing me to channel something bigger than me through my body. It’s an emotional flow. It's spiritual. It’s my art. And I so wanted to share that with her. I know she was bummed too. It means a lot to me that she tried.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
Last night I got together with my mens group for dinner. It was great to see everyone since I haven't been able to go to meetings this semester. I had written to the guys about what's been going on for me lately and they suggested we get together so they could give me some support.
It was really helpful. They helped me restore confidence in trusting myself to know what's what. They also gave me some necessary reflection about how amazing a man I am and reminded me that I have to come from that place. No more of this self-doubt bullshit. The doubt is really just my wound talking and it's time for it to shut the hell up.
I feel good. I feel like exactly where I am supposed to be. The culmination of recent issues with Ami, the work I am doing in LIT, and my own ruminations have been paying off in wonderous ways. I feel like I have more access to my full range of emotions; I am slowly, but steadily getting in touch with my contributions to people and this world; I am gaining the self-trust and self-respect that i deserve; and I am taking a stand for what I want instead of running from it due to fear.
That feels great. I wish that it felt great all the time - can't say that it does. But I can say that I have more and more appreciation for who I am and what I am capable of. I hit some gnarly rock-bottomness last week and the week before. I'm glad to say I'm on the way back up with the benefits of everything I've learned.
When I stood up in front of LIT last November, I stated that what I wanted from the course was to eradicate the gap between what i know about myself and what i feel about myself. It's great to be able to see that happening in the moment.
We got seriously delayed in starting (which pretty much always happens) and that was a bummer because our second set didn’t start until 12:40 and so many people had left by that time. This was such an important night for Ian (the guy I was drumming for) and I could tell that he was a little bummed that all of the complications surfaced the way they did.
It was great to come off stage after each set and hear from friends how much they loved hearing and seeing me play … especially that so many of them remarked about how hot and sexy it was. I guess that’s what happens when you put a man in his element.
Ahmi showed up too, against many odds. She deserves credit for all that she went through to get there – esp. since she is usually not interested in going out on Friday nights. Unfortunately, due to the challenges of getting to the gig, she missed the first set and was only able to catch one song of the second. I was pretty bummed about all that … I’d been wanting for her to hear me play for a long time. Drumming is such an integral part of who I am and a way to express my soul without having to muck it up with words that do or do not fit in the moment. It’s a way to disengage from my head, allowing me to channel something bigger than me through my body. It’s an emotional flow. It's spiritual. It’s my art. And I so wanted to share that with her. I know she was bummed too. It means a lot to me that she tried.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
Last night I got together with my mens group for dinner. It was great to see everyone since I haven't been able to go to meetings this semester. I had written to the guys about what's been going on for me lately and they suggested we get together so they could give me some support.
It was really helpful. They helped me restore confidence in trusting myself to know what's what. They also gave me some necessary reflection about how amazing a man I am and reminded me that I have to come from that place. No more of this self-doubt bullshit. The doubt is really just my wound talking and it's time for it to shut the hell up.
I feel good. I feel like exactly where I am supposed to be. The culmination of recent issues with Ami, the work I am doing in LIT, and my own ruminations have been paying off in wonderous ways. I feel like I have more access to my full range of emotions; I am slowly, but steadily getting in touch with my contributions to people and this world; I am gaining the self-trust and self-respect that i deserve; and I am taking a stand for what I want instead of running from it due to fear.
That feels great. I wish that it felt great all the time - can't say that it does. But I can say that I have more and more appreciation for who I am and what I am capable of. I hit some gnarly rock-bottomness last week and the week before. I'm glad to say I'm on the way back up with the benefits of everything I've learned.
When I stood up in front of LIT last November, I stated that what I wanted from the course was to eradicate the gap between what i know about myself and what i feel about myself. It's great to be able to see that happening in the moment.
Friday, March 24, 2006
death & beauty
i discovered this site that was sent recently by a friend:
The Library of Dust
click on the "project information" link in the lower right hand corner to see what it's all about.
Seems fitting in my life right about now as I'm experiencing the death of a dream. Though the warm grey rain speaks for my heart today, I cannot turn my eye from the beauty within this journey. Through the heartache, I learn more about myself. I grow stronger. I find more love and acceptance of myself. There is beauty in every laugh and every tear. Recognition of the universal truth of this life: Nothing stays the same ... everything changes, everything dies. That is a truth to be embraced. That is a real beauty in this life.
Once that is embraced - that everything changes, one can let go of attachments. What is the use of being attached to something that in every moment is something new? What is it that is being held onto?
I am doing my best to be aware of this greater wisdom and at the same time allowing myself the very human emotions I am going through. I do not expect that spiritual awareness will free me of all suffering today, though I am open to that possibility ;)
It occurs to me that this is yet another step in the life of Jason. Nowhere to go but here.
My heart weeps and I am astounded by it's beauty.
The Library of Dust
click on the "project information" link in the lower right hand corner to see what it's all about.
Seems fitting in my life right about now as I'm experiencing the death of a dream. Though the warm grey rain speaks for my heart today, I cannot turn my eye from the beauty within this journey. Through the heartache, I learn more about myself. I grow stronger. I find more love and acceptance of myself. There is beauty in every laugh and every tear. Recognition of the universal truth of this life: Nothing stays the same ... everything changes, everything dies. That is a truth to be embraced. That is a real beauty in this life.
Once that is embraced - that everything changes, one can let go of attachments. What is the use of being attached to something that in every moment is something new? What is it that is being held onto?
I am doing my best to be aware of this greater wisdom and at the same time allowing myself the very human emotions I am going through. I do not expect that spiritual awareness will free me of all suffering today, though I am open to that possibility ;)
It occurs to me that this is yet another step in the life of Jason. Nowhere to go but here.
My heart weeps and I am astounded by it's beauty.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
the flow
Hello - oh land of interneters and those who pass by here. You are witness to the land of Jason's period of "letting it all out" to help me figure out what's what. Writing is a great space for me to get through the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart - it slows me down and allows me to look into the nooks and crannies of my being.
For the past week and a half I've been confronted with the fact that something in the relationship between Ami and I has to change. It has changed, actually, but to what? That I don't know yet. Uncertainty is very challenging for me and so I find myself being swished around by the oceans a bit - still determined to find the course that feels 'spot on'. I think part of that is done by letting go and seeing which way the current takes me and part of it is by navigating the waves toward smoother seas.
I recognize I am taking the harder path here. The one where I pursue what I want despite the challenge of it and the chance of going through extreme fluctuations of emotions around it. I know some people would think that the easy route is the way to go, that 'suffering' shouldn't be any part of a relationship like this. Perhaps that is true. And yet everyone i have spoken with who knows us and has seen us together has said, "Keep with it, Jason. Don't give up yet.”
[the harder path as I see it is staying in this space of finding/creating where we fit vs. the easier path which is just walking away and closing her out. and I get that the options aren’t necessarily that dichotomous]
I trust that feedback because it's what my gut is saying. And though I feel so far away from her and though it's difficult to hold on, I can't believe that so much has changed in the past couple weeks to eradicate that connection. It's hard for me to believe that the girl who just two weeks ago was saying I'm "crazy mad in love with you Jason" isn't still in there. I know she is still deeply in love with me, I just can’t feel it lately.
It does concern me that the moods I get in lately, as I am confronted by this change, push her away (permanently) when all i want is her closer again. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to hide the fact that this is a hard transition, but I don't want to repel her either. I have to trust that being myself is the only way to be. That, and trusting that a little space and time will help.
I also have to be okay with any outcome. And realistically, I am. I could walk away right now. It would be easier in some ways (as in I wouldn't have to sit in uncertainty anymore). Yet, emotionally, it would be just as difficult.
The challenge for me is realigning how I see us together - and seeing if I am really okay with that (and of course, if she is as well). I know I am capable of being with a woman intimately (however that means) and non-restrictively. I've done it in the past several times. It's the transition that is challenging as it calls up a lot of triggers for me that i have to be with, feel, and allow to resolve. Right now I'm letting go of the dreams I created. It's been a turbulent process.
I still can't say what I'll choose tomorrow. I know right now that I am up for being right where I am ... I'm still learning and growing.
And when I step out of my emotions and head I just see how much I love this woman from the depths of my heart. I want her to have everything she desires. She deserves it.
She is an angel. She is luminous and vibrant. She has an infinite heart and a keen insight. She is raw and radical. She is the alley cat ... sleek, sexy, comfortable in her habitat, ruler of her world, relaxed, confident, - but ready to pounce at any moment ... dreaming of a nice warm fireplace to get cozy with but always ready to be back out on the streets causing mayhem, stirring up trouble and meeting all the other cats to play with.
Namaste, my love.
For the past week and a half I've been confronted with the fact that something in the relationship between Ami and I has to change. It has changed, actually, but to what? That I don't know yet. Uncertainty is very challenging for me and so I find myself being swished around by the oceans a bit - still determined to find the course that feels 'spot on'. I think part of that is done by letting go and seeing which way the current takes me and part of it is by navigating the waves toward smoother seas.
I recognize I am taking the harder path here. The one where I pursue what I want despite the challenge of it and the chance of going through extreme fluctuations of emotions around it. I know some people would think that the easy route is the way to go, that 'suffering' shouldn't be any part of a relationship like this. Perhaps that is true. And yet everyone i have spoken with who knows us and has seen us together has said, "Keep with it, Jason. Don't give up yet.”
[the harder path as I see it is staying in this space of finding/creating where we fit vs. the easier path which is just walking away and closing her out. and I get that the options aren’t necessarily that dichotomous]
I trust that feedback because it's what my gut is saying. And though I feel so far away from her and though it's difficult to hold on, I can't believe that so much has changed in the past couple weeks to eradicate that connection. It's hard for me to believe that the girl who just two weeks ago was saying I'm "crazy mad in love with you Jason" isn't still in there. I know she is still deeply in love with me, I just can’t feel it lately.
It does concern me that the moods I get in lately, as I am confronted by this change, push her away (permanently) when all i want is her closer again. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to hide the fact that this is a hard transition, but I don't want to repel her either. I have to trust that being myself is the only way to be. That, and trusting that a little space and time will help.
I also have to be okay with any outcome. And realistically, I am. I could walk away right now. It would be easier in some ways (as in I wouldn't have to sit in uncertainty anymore). Yet, emotionally, it would be just as difficult.
The challenge for me is realigning how I see us together - and seeing if I am really okay with that (and of course, if she is as well). I know I am capable of being with a woman intimately (however that means) and non-restrictively. I've done it in the past several times. It's the transition that is challenging as it calls up a lot of triggers for me that i have to be with, feel, and allow to resolve. Right now I'm letting go of the dreams I created. It's been a turbulent process.
I still can't say what I'll choose tomorrow. I know right now that I am up for being right where I am ... I'm still learning and growing.
And when I step out of my emotions and head I just see how much I love this woman from the depths of my heart. I want her to have everything she desires. She deserves it.
She is an angel. She is luminous and vibrant. She has an infinite heart and a keen insight. She is raw and radical. She is the alley cat ... sleek, sexy, comfortable in her habitat, ruler of her world, relaxed, confident, - but ready to pounce at any moment ... dreaming of a nice warm fireplace to get cozy with but always ready to be back out on the streets causing mayhem, stirring up trouble and meeting all the other cats to play with.
Namaste, my love.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
unbound
A few more thoughts as I explore these new insights
First of all, I feel much better as of yesterday and today. I am sleeping more and eating more, which is a good sign. I also have a more positive outlook on MYself and my future. I am still feeling this low-grade emotional drain, feeling low, etc., but it is far from the crippled state I’ve been in for awhile. One way to describe it is I’ve been feeling heavy and am getting lighter.
My head is becoming more and more clear. My heart is becoming more and more clear. And I am very excited about exploring this boundary work.
In reading some information on boundaries, a few things stuck out to me:
“Being able to sense others’ moods is helpful in relationships, but always being what someone else wants you to be (the guy who will do anything for his woman) is a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. No one can be intimate with someone who doesn’t know what s/he feels, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can’t be honest about it, even though such dishonesty developed as a survivor skill.”
(this tends to be my pattern ... giving up what i want for my lover/partner/etc.)
Active listening:
“As you identify the other person’s feeling (confirming the boundary) they feel heard and supported and you get practice in healthy boundaries.” (paying attention to this will enable me to hear what others have to say without taking them in as mine and/or true)
I have a bunch more reading and thinking to do about all this. I'm enjoying the beginning. It’s even interesting to take note of where, in my language, I’ve developed a style of speaking that weakens my boundaries.
Support:
I have to thank a lot of people right now for support in all this. I’ve received a lot of valuable feedback from friends including the men in my men’s group.
I’ve been making myself wrong about some things and that is not okay. Clear boundaries will help me with this.
The overwhelming message is: “Stop beating yourself up about all this.”
It’s been challenging to get so much feedback from so many people. It’s interesting to note that no one has said, “Dude, get out of that situation.” I appreciate that people are not offering any absolutes. It feels good to be getting open, grounded insight.
It also feels good to have reached out to people. That was a little challenging. I’ve gotten better at this over the years. I still notice where I throw hooks out there hoping to reel people in instead of just saying “I need something from you.” Sometimes it’s hard to see like trying to look at the inside of your eyeballs.
Okay, back to work I go. Feeling better. Feeling stronger. Feeling more me again.
First of all, I feel much better as of yesterday and today. I am sleeping more and eating more, which is a good sign. I also have a more positive outlook on MYself and my future. I am still feeling this low-grade emotional drain, feeling low, etc., but it is far from the crippled state I’ve been in for awhile. One way to describe it is I’ve been feeling heavy and am getting lighter.
My head is becoming more and more clear. My heart is becoming more and more clear. And I am very excited about exploring this boundary work.
In reading some information on boundaries, a few things stuck out to me:
“Being able to sense others’ moods is helpful in relationships, but always being what someone else wants you to be (the guy who will do anything for his woman) is a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. No one can be intimate with someone who doesn’t know what s/he feels, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can’t be honest about it, even though such dishonesty developed as a survivor skill.”
(this tends to be my pattern ... giving up what i want for my lover/partner/etc.)
Active listening:
“As you identify the other person’s feeling (confirming the boundary) they feel heard and supported and you get practice in healthy boundaries.” (paying attention to this will enable me to hear what others have to say without taking them in as mine and/or true)
I have a bunch more reading and thinking to do about all this. I'm enjoying the beginning. It’s even interesting to take note of where, in my language, I’ve developed a style of speaking that weakens my boundaries.
Support:
I have to thank a lot of people right now for support in all this. I’ve received a lot of valuable feedback from friends including the men in my men’s group.
I’ve been making myself wrong about some things and that is not okay. Clear boundaries will help me with this.
The overwhelming message is: “Stop beating yourself up about all this.”
It’s been challenging to get so much feedback from so many people. It’s interesting to note that no one has said, “Dude, get out of that situation.” I appreciate that people are not offering any absolutes. It feels good to be getting open, grounded insight.
It also feels good to have reached out to people. That was a little challenging. I’ve gotten better at this over the years. I still notice where I throw hooks out there hoping to reel people in instead of just saying “I need something from you.” Sometimes it’s hard to see like trying to look at the inside of your eyeballs.
Okay, back to work I go. Feeling better. Feeling stronger. Feeling more me again.
Monday, March 20, 2006
more clarity
i have come to see that LIT (Leadership Intensive Training) is putting me on a very specific path and that journey is toward being right with myself.
if i gain nothing else from this year with you all, the ever present shift towards self-love and acceptance will be the greatest reward. the self-given right to take up space in the world, to pursue my dreams and desires, to pick myself up when i fall down, to let others in and let myself truly see others, to laugh and carry on when i make mistakes, to relax into knowing that i am already everything.
why is that so hard sometimes and so easy at others? why is it that one minute i can feel so in love with myself and everything about me and the next feel like every little piece of me needs to be fixed.
my history shows a tendency to focus on the part of me that is not okay with who i am. that is shifting.
it is so confronting to know that i choose my own reality and yet tend to choose one that doesn't feel so good! what's with that!?
yes, these are all abstract thoughts.
FUCK. (just got off the phone and got a totally new perspective on this)
it is all so clear at this moment.
clarity. where i have so often failed in certain areas of my life is to be clear on what i want and to hold true to that. i have integrity in so many areas of my life and that is one that continuously is weak. it is that part of me that is so afraid to stand up for what i want because it may create conflict or make others go away.
though this is jumping the gun on next weeks homework ... my next practice is considering and clarifying the boundaries of my life:
boundaries about what work i will take and what i won't
boundaries about what is okay with how friends treat me and how i treat them
boundaries in my relationships with women
boundaries in agreements i make with people - being really clear about what is okay with me and what is not.
i have been pretty wish-washy in some areas of my life (often in relationships). the exact opposite of the masculine energy i want to cultivate more. i know it when i feel it - that absolute charge by being aligned with what i want and not deviating from that without conscious consideration and choice.
it feels so amazing to have this awareness right now. i feel stronger and more present in just considering it.
damn ... everything i wrote above has a lot to do with this. it occurs to me that at least a portion of my historical lack of self-love and worth comes from a place where I didn't take a stand for what i wanted and allowed others to make choices for me or walk all over me. and i allowed it. how can i pursue dreams and desires if they have no definition? how can i feel good about standing up for myself if i don't even know what it is i am standing up for?
unconscious accommodation is my current worst enemy.
in looking backwards, i see how i often have held my ground when i wasn't concerned with how i looked. when i feel like i need to look good, i give up what i want so to accommodate the other person. in retrospect, that often has the effect of me not looking good.
anyway ... good stuff. looking forward to exploring it more and seeing where in my life it would make an impact. gotta get back to schoolwork.
if i gain nothing else from this year with you all, the ever present shift towards self-love and acceptance will be the greatest reward. the self-given right to take up space in the world, to pursue my dreams and desires, to pick myself up when i fall down, to let others in and let myself truly see others, to laugh and carry on when i make mistakes, to relax into knowing that i am already everything.
why is that so hard sometimes and so easy at others? why is it that one minute i can feel so in love with myself and everything about me and the next feel like every little piece of me needs to be fixed.
my history shows a tendency to focus on the part of me that is not okay with who i am. that is shifting.
it is so confronting to know that i choose my own reality and yet tend to choose one that doesn't feel so good! what's with that!?
yes, these are all abstract thoughts.
FUCK. (just got off the phone and got a totally new perspective on this)
it is all so clear at this moment.
clarity. where i have so often failed in certain areas of my life is to be clear on what i want and to hold true to that. i have integrity in so many areas of my life and that is one that continuously is weak. it is that part of me that is so afraid to stand up for what i want because it may create conflict or make others go away.
though this is jumping the gun on next weeks homework ... my next practice is considering and clarifying the boundaries of my life:
boundaries about what work i will take and what i won't
boundaries about what is okay with how friends treat me and how i treat them
boundaries in my relationships with women
boundaries in agreements i make with people - being really clear about what is okay with me and what is not.
i have been pretty wish-washy in some areas of my life (often in relationships). the exact opposite of the masculine energy i want to cultivate more. i know it when i feel it - that absolute charge by being aligned with what i want and not deviating from that without conscious consideration and choice.
it feels so amazing to have this awareness right now. i feel stronger and more present in just considering it.
damn ... everything i wrote above has a lot to do with this. it occurs to me that at least a portion of my historical lack of self-love and worth comes from a place where I didn't take a stand for what i wanted and allowed others to make choices for me or walk all over me. and i allowed it. how can i pursue dreams and desires if they have no definition? how can i feel good about standing up for myself if i don't even know what it is i am standing up for?
unconscious accommodation is my current worst enemy.
in looking backwards, i see how i often have held my ground when i wasn't concerned with how i looked. when i feel like i need to look good, i give up what i want so to accommodate the other person. in retrospect, that often has the effect of me not looking good.
anyway ... good stuff. looking forward to exploring it more and seeing where in my life it would make an impact. gotta get back to schoolwork.
the simple form
all that writing/processing (below) has made the following synopsis possible:
it was a huge risk that i took getting involved with a woman who clearly spoke that she was not ready for relationship. it was motivated by a depth of love and attraction that i have not felt in a long time ... and by a quality of love that i have never felt before. and although we spoke clearly about where we were, the motivation to explore this connection caused a diffusion of clarity (and perhaps it even was diffused) that allowed me to live more fully in pursuit of this desire that somewhere after the end of her year-long exploration of intimacy, we would join more fully in relationship and share our lives together.
this exploration became highly focused on "us". there was room for space and for the creation of anything and yet we followed the path we did. perhaps it was exactly what was supposed to happen. it has taught us both a LOT about ourselves and each other. the road ahead of us is not visible. it will be created by whatever choices we continue to make.
we chose each other for a reason. i cannot say if that has been fulfilled or not. it feels like there is more to come. i believe that we have a lot more to teach and give to one another, but i really don't know. anything can happen.
i do not for one second regret this risky choice. amidst all this pain, i will continue to sing her praises.
getting back to our origins ... there is plenty of time ... what next?
it was a huge risk that i took getting involved with a woman who clearly spoke that she was not ready for relationship. it was motivated by a depth of love and attraction that i have not felt in a long time ... and by a quality of love that i have never felt before. and although we spoke clearly about where we were, the motivation to explore this connection caused a diffusion of clarity (and perhaps it even was diffused) that allowed me to live more fully in pursuit of this desire that somewhere after the end of her year-long exploration of intimacy, we would join more fully in relationship and share our lives together.
this exploration became highly focused on "us". there was room for space and for the creation of anything and yet we followed the path we did. perhaps it was exactly what was supposed to happen. it has taught us both a LOT about ourselves and each other. the road ahead of us is not visible. it will be created by whatever choices we continue to make.
we chose each other for a reason. i cannot say if that has been fulfilled or not. it feels like there is more to come. i believe that we have a lot more to teach and give to one another, but i really don't know. anything can happen.
i do not for one second regret this risky choice. amidst all this pain, i will continue to sing her praises.
getting back to our origins ... there is plenty of time ... what next?
i am ...
Broken Hearted.
Ami and I are in this space of distance and detachment. The past three weeks have been challenging and have uncovered a lot of clarity about where we both are and what we want. Last Friday, we seemed to have a break-through from some of the detachment, yet our last interaction on Saturday night was characterized by frustration, anger and resentment. I don’t know what all this means and I have to stop trying to understand that. Right now, it’s about learning from what I do know.
[Disclaimer: I represent my own perspective on this matter, obviously. I do not mean to put words in Ami’s mouth and this is just my interpretation of what this clarity is. For those of you who know her, and want to know her better, you should talk to her about this and not take my word for it.]
I am very much in love with a woman who is very much in love with me and yet it we want different things around relationship/not-relationship. These differences have been talked about throughout the course of our “relationship” and were believed to be understood on one level, but it turns out there was not enough clarity to prevent the lines from blurring. People’s fears, dreams and mixed-messages can easily blur those lines if there is any room to budge.
For me, I find my self incredibly in love with this woman who, in many, many ways, is the woman of my dreams. At least, I find, when stripped of that part of her that is clear on what she wants. I began envisioning a life with her, partnership, family, continuous love and growth … something not needed now, but wanted later. I knew that this is not what she wanted right now, and she was even clear about not knowing what tomorrow brings and I filled in the gaps and made that vision a possibility. I am responsible for allowing myself to live more in my dream of the future than just being with her in the present. We are both responsible for mixed messages.
Ami does not want a relationship. I don’t think it is too fair of me to go into depth about what she does want, but I will say that she doesn’t want commitment, attachment, security, promises, etc. in her life right now, perhaps with the exception of with herself. She has a beautiful vision of love that is expansive, infinite and unconditional that includes me, but does not single any one person out.
Probably the most difficult thing to hear is that she doesn’t currently feel attracted to me and therefore even the thought of continuing to be lovers is not possible (and may never be). I have failed thus far to be able to step outside the emotion of hearing that and ask her more about it. And it’s apparent that I have only been putting more nails in that coffin in the way I am being around her lately.
I fucking hate the energy this all creates between us. Everything becomes dark, angry, pushed away, turned off. I continue to take part in this dynamic that creates the exact opposite of what it is I want ... closeness, intimacy, attraction, desire to be in each other's presence. The anger and bitterness aren't helping me at all. I am so trying to rise above all this inside me to see it all from an objective view. That will come, I'm sure, but for now I am in the thick of it and all I want is some tenderness and compassion. Some understanding. (more in the sidenote below about this)
In this past week, I seem to fail at communicating my true heart to her. I seem to be missing what she is offering me. And it’s killing me to know that we love each other and support each other and yet the situation doesn’t seem to be creating any space for compassion for the other person trying to understand. And perhaps it is just hard for me to see anger and compassion in the same container. Perhaps my avoidance of conflict blinds me from seeing where love and support are present in anger and distance.
It seems any lack of understanding is taken as intentional. And then anger and frustration arise from feeling like the other isn’t paying attention. I think she feels that I don't want to understand her. And what is true is that, though it may hurt, I love all of her and everything she is ... and I want to understand everything and am not always good about getting there. My own pain gets in the way and causes reactions that apparently show the opposite - that I am not listening or not caring about what she is offering me.
How do I relate that I am not making her responsible for what I am going through? She is the reason, yes, this is about me and her and “us”, but she is not responsible ... there is a difference. I don't blame her anymore than I blame myself for clarity that had room to blur due to mixed messages. I fault myself for getting too wrapped up in a fantasy.
My biggest challenge at the moment is being okay with myself. Not putting myself down for any mistakes I may have made in all this. Not blaming myself for not feeling good enough for her. Not believing that “If I had just done X differently …” - that is all very, very hard for me to do - to get away from my wound of not feeling good enough.
As I sink into this pain, I try and understand the source of it. What am I afraid of? What hurts so fucking much? Why does it feel like I have just lost a huge part of me?
There’s so much to it all. I do feel like I have just lost one of the most important people in my life. Have I really lost her? No. But I am having to let go of this dream I have had of this eventually becoming a partnership. I was clear on how she didn’t want that at all right now, and felt really open to being any particular way with her … yet, I held onto what I wanted for tomorrow instead of staying present in today.
I am afraid of all the closeness and greatness that we shared with one another being erased by these past three weeks. I am afraid of being thought of as unsafe. I am afraid of how others that she talks to will think of me based on her experience and interpretation.
I feel like a huge part of our experience right now is fear butting up against fear. I have spent the past few days calling myself out on some of my bullshit. Not fun. It is also pretty clear in my gut where her behavior is being generated by fear. This was actually confirmed a bit in a recent email she wrote to our leadership team.
I don’t really know where all this is going and what tomorrow brings. I guess that is the point with her. I have to let go of the feeling like I need to fix something. That comes from this place of feeling like this isn’t “the end”. The one thing in my gut that doesn’t feel confused by these emotions and stories is that there is more for us. I don’t want to be attached to that idea. It feels real and unencumbered by everything else – based on how it feels when we are together – and I am afraid of trusting that and being wrong … of learning that I can’t trust my gut feelings. I don’t know what that really means or what it looks like.
It seems really clear to me that there is nothing to “force”. I know that I came across that way with her on Saturday night and I see where that was coming from a place of fear … fear of distance, fear of her “going away”, fear of conflict.
The place where I step into a more powerful way of being is to trust myself, trust her, learn what I have to learn from all this, get clear on what I want, and continue to generate my love of myself, my self-worth, and to be willing to make these mistakes and still love myself.
The emotions are hard to deal with. I need to find some peace in that. I am only hoping that the feeling of rock bottom these past few days are truly rock bottom and that I can now begin to resurface. I finally slept more than 3 hours last night and I think that will help.
I know I miss the "togetherness" I felt with her - that sense of really loving each other, wanting each other, enjoying our time together ... I know I want that back. I don’t know if that is possible. I know I can’t do anything to try and create it right now. I have to let this sense of 'damage' pass.
So now … I have to figure out what it is I want. I can’t have a partnership with her nor any dreams of tomorrow. Can I be with her right here, right now with no promises, commitments, or exclusivity and stay really present to what’s real? Or is it better to let it go? What do I fear most? Are fears guiding my decisions? Is what I decide I want even available to me? If not, is there room to create space for that to bloom?
So that is where I am. Feeling extraordinary pain by my own worst demons, failing to see the strength others are reflecting I am showing, missing the hell out of the woman I love, anxious about how far I’ve fallen behind in my work, needing more sleep and food than I seem to be able to manage, feeling some hope for the lessons I am learning and how it will improve my life, getting glimpses of how it is all going to be ‘okay’ … taking it all moment-to-moment.
Side thoughts:
[I begin to wonder about the majority of my friendships being with women … is there something about women and their tendency for tenderness and compassion that I yearn for? I don’t feel like I had a lack of that from my mother as a child, so it doesn’t make sense to me that I am trying to make up for anything. I also don’t feel like I got too much of it as a child, so it also doesn’t feel like I am trying to continue to feed something. I do see a tendency to view my life through the lens of being a victim to something and it’s reasonable to think that I would want to be comforted around that. It’s hard not to make myself ‘wrong’ for feeling that way sometimes.]
[I am also tripping on a comment she made on Saturday night about feeling that I come much more from a feminine energy than masculine. When I have asked others about this in the past, I get mixed responses. Some men tell me that I am one of the more masculine men they know. What does that all really mean? What the hell difference does it make? I am inclined to think that the aspect of all this that may warrant the most attention is how I often don’t stand up for what I want. Is that a masculine/feminine trait? That ability comes more and more as I continue to develop this understanding of what I want and the belief that I am worth it to take up space and not pass over my own desires.]
Ami and I are in this space of distance and detachment. The past three weeks have been challenging and have uncovered a lot of clarity about where we both are and what we want. Last Friday, we seemed to have a break-through from some of the detachment, yet our last interaction on Saturday night was characterized by frustration, anger and resentment. I don’t know what all this means and I have to stop trying to understand that. Right now, it’s about learning from what I do know.
[Disclaimer: I represent my own perspective on this matter, obviously. I do not mean to put words in Ami’s mouth and this is just my interpretation of what this clarity is. For those of you who know her, and want to know her better, you should talk to her about this and not take my word for it.]
I am very much in love with a woman who is very much in love with me and yet it we want different things around relationship/not-relationship. These differences have been talked about throughout the course of our “relationship” and were believed to be understood on one level, but it turns out there was not enough clarity to prevent the lines from blurring. People’s fears, dreams and mixed-messages can easily blur those lines if there is any room to budge.
For me, I find my self incredibly in love with this woman who, in many, many ways, is the woman of my dreams. At least, I find, when stripped of that part of her that is clear on what she wants. I began envisioning a life with her, partnership, family, continuous love and growth … something not needed now, but wanted later. I knew that this is not what she wanted right now, and she was even clear about not knowing what tomorrow brings and I filled in the gaps and made that vision a possibility. I am responsible for allowing myself to live more in my dream of the future than just being with her in the present. We are both responsible for mixed messages.
Ami does not want a relationship. I don’t think it is too fair of me to go into depth about what she does want, but I will say that she doesn’t want commitment, attachment, security, promises, etc. in her life right now, perhaps with the exception of with herself. She has a beautiful vision of love that is expansive, infinite and unconditional that includes me, but does not single any one person out.
Probably the most difficult thing to hear is that she doesn’t currently feel attracted to me and therefore even the thought of continuing to be lovers is not possible (and may never be). I have failed thus far to be able to step outside the emotion of hearing that and ask her more about it. And it’s apparent that I have only been putting more nails in that coffin in the way I am being around her lately.
I fucking hate the energy this all creates between us. Everything becomes dark, angry, pushed away, turned off. I continue to take part in this dynamic that creates the exact opposite of what it is I want ... closeness, intimacy, attraction, desire to be in each other's presence. The anger and bitterness aren't helping me at all. I am so trying to rise above all this inside me to see it all from an objective view. That will come, I'm sure, but for now I am in the thick of it and all I want is some tenderness and compassion. Some understanding. (more in the sidenote below about this)
In this past week, I seem to fail at communicating my true heart to her. I seem to be missing what she is offering me. And it’s killing me to know that we love each other and support each other and yet the situation doesn’t seem to be creating any space for compassion for the other person trying to understand. And perhaps it is just hard for me to see anger and compassion in the same container. Perhaps my avoidance of conflict blinds me from seeing where love and support are present in anger and distance.
It seems any lack of understanding is taken as intentional. And then anger and frustration arise from feeling like the other isn’t paying attention. I think she feels that I don't want to understand her. And what is true is that, though it may hurt, I love all of her and everything she is ... and I want to understand everything and am not always good about getting there. My own pain gets in the way and causes reactions that apparently show the opposite - that I am not listening or not caring about what she is offering me.
How do I relate that I am not making her responsible for what I am going through? She is the reason, yes, this is about me and her and “us”, but she is not responsible ... there is a difference. I don't blame her anymore than I blame myself for clarity that had room to blur due to mixed messages. I fault myself for getting too wrapped up in a fantasy.
My biggest challenge at the moment is being okay with myself. Not putting myself down for any mistakes I may have made in all this. Not blaming myself for not feeling good enough for her. Not believing that “If I had just done X differently …” - that is all very, very hard for me to do - to get away from my wound of not feeling good enough.
As I sink into this pain, I try and understand the source of it. What am I afraid of? What hurts so fucking much? Why does it feel like I have just lost a huge part of me?
There’s so much to it all. I do feel like I have just lost one of the most important people in my life. Have I really lost her? No. But I am having to let go of this dream I have had of this eventually becoming a partnership. I was clear on how she didn’t want that at all right now, and felt really open to being any particular way with her … yet, I held onto what I wanted for tomorrow instead of staying present in today.
I am afraid of all the closeness and greatness that we shared with one another being erased by these past three weeks. I am afraid of being thought of as unsafe. I am afraid of how others that she talks to will think of me based on her experience and interpretation.
I feel like a huge part of our experience right now is fear butting up against fear. I have spent the past few days calling myself out on some of my bullshit. Not fun. It is also pretty clear in my gut where her behavior is being generated by fear. This was actually confirmed a bit in a recent email she wrote to our leadership team.
I don’t really know where all this is going and what tomorrow brings. I guess that is the point with her. I have to let go of the feeling like I need to fix something. That comes from this place of feeling like this isn’t “the end”. The one thing in my gut that doesn’t feel confused by these emotions and stories is that there is more for us. I don’t want to be attached to that idea. It feels real and unencumbered by everything else – based on how it feels when we are together – and I am afraid of trusting that and being wrong … of learning that I can’t trust my gut feelings. I don’t know what that really means or what it looks like.
It seems really clear to me that there is nothing to “force”. I know that I came across that way with her on Saturday night and I see where that was coming from a place of fear … fear of distance, fear of her “going away”, fear of conflict.
The place where I step into a more powerful way of being is to trust myself, trust her, learn what I have to learn from all this, get clear on what I want, and continue to generate my love of myself, my self-worth, and to be willing to make these mistakes and still love myself.
The emotions are hard to deal with. I need to find some peace in that. I am only hoping that the feeling of rock bottom these past few days are truly rock bottom and that I can now begin to resurface. I finally slept more than 3 hours last night and I think that will help.
I know I miss the "togetherness" I felt with her - that sense of really loving each other, wanting each other, enjoying our time together ... I know I want that back. I don’t know if that is possible. I know I can’t do anything to try and create it right now. I have to let this sense of 'damage' pass.
So now … I have to figure out what it is I want. I can’t have a partnership with her nor any dreams of tomorrow. Can I be with her right here, right now with no promises, commitments, or exclusivity and stay really present to what’s real? Or is it better to let it go? What do I fear most? Are fears guiding my decisions? Is what I decide I want even available to me? If not, is there room to create space for that to bloom?
So that is where I am. Feeling extraordinary pain by my own worst demons, failing to see the strength others are reflecting I am showing, missing the hell out of the woman I love, anxious about how far I’ve fallen behind in my work, needing more sleep and food than I seem to be able to manage, feeling some hope for the lessons I am learning and how it will improve my life, getting glimpses of how it is all going to be ‘okay’ … taking it all moment-to-moment.
Side thoughts:
[I begin to wonder about the majority of my friendships being with women … is there something about women and their tendency for tenderness and compassion that I yearn for? I don’t feel like I had a lack of that from my mother as a child, so it doesn’t make sense to me that I am trying to make up for anything. I also don’t feel like I got too much of it as a child, so it also doesn’t feel like I am trying to continue to feed something. I do see a tendency to view my life through the lens of being a victim to something and it’s reasonable to think that I would want to be comforted around that. It’s hard not to make myself ‘wrong’ for feeling that way sometimes.]
[I am also tripping on a comment she made on Saturday night about feeling that I come much more from a feminine energy than masculine. When I have asked others about this in the past, I get mixed responses. Some men tell me that I am one of the more masculine men they know. What does that all really mean? What the hell difference does it make? I am inclined to think that the aspect of all this that may warrant the most attention is how I often don’t stand up for what I want. Is that a masculine/feminine trait? That ability comes more and more as I continue to develop this understanding of what I want and the belief that I am worth it to take up space and not pass over my own desires.]
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