solid

Friday night I played drums again in front of a couple hundred people. I had a really good time for most of it. There were a number of challenges to overcome related to the sound, dealing with bandmate’s frustrations and handling some low-grade nerves in the beginning. I felt like I was able to lose myself in the music for a lot of the performance, though I also felt where I was conscious of how I looked while playing at times (am I making a weird face?). heh heh.

We got seriously delayed in starting (which pretty much always happens) and that was a bummer because our second set didn’t start until 12:40 and so many people had left by that time. This was such an important night for Ian (the guy I was drumming for) and I could tell that he was a little bummed that all of the complications surfaced the way they did.

It was great to come off stage after each set and hear from friends how much they loved hearing and seeing me play … especially that so many of them remarked about how hot and sexy it was. I guess that’s what happens when you put a man in his element.

Ahmi showed up too, against many odds. She deserves credit for all that she went through to get there – esp. since she is usually not interested in going out on Friday nights. Unfortunately, due to the challenges of getting to the gig, she missed the first set and was only able to catch one song of the second. I was pretty bummed about all that … I’d been wanting for her to hear me play for a long time. Drumming is such an integral part of who I am and a way to express my soul without having to muck it up with words that do or do not fit in the moment. It’s a way to disengage from my head, allowing me to channel something bigger than me through my body. It’s an emotional flow. It's spiritual. It’s my art. And I so wanted to share that with her. I know she was bummed too. It means a lot to me that she tried.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Last night I got together with my mens group for dinner. It was great to see everyone since I haven't been able to go to meetings this semester. I had written to the guys about what's been going on for me lately and they suggested we get together so they could give me some support.

It was really helpful. They helped me restore confidence in trusting myself to know what's what. They also gave me some necessary reflection about how amazing a man I am and reminded me that I have to come from that place. No more of this self-doubt bullshit. The doubt is really just my wound talking and it's time for it to shut the hell up.

I feel good. I feel like exactly where I am supposed to be. The culmination of recent issues with Ami, the work I am doing in LIT, and my own ruminations have been paying off in wonderous ways. I feel like I have more access to my full range of emotions; I am slowly, but steadily getting in touch with my contributions to people and this world; I am gaining the self-trust and self-respect that i deserve; and I am taking a stand for what I want instead of running from it due to fear.

That feels great. I wish that it felt great all the time - can't say that it does. But I can say that I have more and more appreciation for who I am and what I am capable of. I hit some gnarly rock-bottomness last week and the week before. I'm glad to say I'm on the way back up with the benefits of everything I've learned.

When I stood up in front of LIT last November, I stated that what I wanted from the course was to eradicate the gap between what i know about myself and what i feel about myself. It's great to be able to see that happening in the moment.