more clarity

i have come to see that LIT (Leadership Intensive Training) is putting me on a very specific path and that journey is toward being right with myself.

if i gain nothing else from this year with you all, the ever present shift towards self-love and acceptance will be the greatest reward. the self-given right to take up space in the world, to pursue my dreams and desires, to pick myself up when i fall down, to let others in and let myself truly see others, to laugh and carry on when i make mistakes, to relax into knowing that i am already everything.

why is that so hard sometimes and so easy at others? why is it that one minute i can feel so in love with myself and everything about me and the next feel like every little piece of me needs to be fixed.

my history shows a tendency to focus on the part of me that is not okay with who i am. that is shifting.

it is so confronting to know that i choose my own reality and yet tend to choose one that doesn't feel so good! what's with that!?

yes, these are all abstract thoughts.

FUCK. (just got off the phone and got a totally new perspective on this)

it is all so clear at this moment.

clarity. where i have so often failed in certain areas of my life is to be clear on what i want and to hold true to that. i have integrity in so many areas of my life and that is one that continuously is weak. it is that part of me that is so afraid to stand up for what i want because it may create conflict or make others go away.

though this is jumping the gun on next weeks homework ... my next practice is considering and clarifying the boundaries of my life:

boundaries about what work i will take and what i won't
boundaries about what is okay with how friends treat me and how i treat them
boundaries in my relationships with women
boundaries in agreements i make with people - being really clear about what is okay with me and what is not.

i have been pretty wish-washy in some areas of my life (often in relationships). the exact opposite of the masculine energy i want to cultivate more. i know it when i feel it - that absolute charge by being aligned with what i want and not deviating from that without conscious consideration and choice.

it feels so amazing to have this awareness right now. i feel stronger and more present in just considering it.

damn ... everything i wrote above has a lot to do with this. it occurs to me that at least a portion of my historical lack of self-love and worth comes from a place where I didn't take a stand for what i wanted and allowed others to make choices for me or walk all over me. and i allowed it. how can i pursue dreams and desires if they have no definition? how can i feel good about standing up for myself if i don't even know what it is i am standing up for?

unconscious accommodation is my current worst enemy.

in looking backwards, i see how i often have held my ground when i wasn't concerned with how i looked. when i feel like i need to look good, i give up what i want so to accommodate the other person. in retrospect, that often has the effect of me not looking good.

anyway ... good stuff. looking forward to exploring it more and seeing where in my life it would make an impact. gotta get back to schoolwork.