and you may ask yourself

i wrote a big, long journal entry the other day that i was going to post here. it was about my experience on tuesday night in the leadership training and the deepening of awareness it brought to the lessons in my life right now.

but, it's several pages that can really be summed up in a few lines:

i've spent many many years of my life giving up my voice, opinions, desires when faced with a choice between what i want and what someone else wants. mostly, when in connection with that other person, i do it when i feel like there is something to lose. in other words, i accommodate to others in an effort to look good, control the situation, be likable, be non-confrontational and so i don't have to be in a situation where i state what i want and then not get it.

this behavior is married to the extent to which i depend on external sources to validate who i am. a deficit in my life is the "truly getting my self-worth/value" and the "accepting of everything that i am". the disconnect is where these are all things i "know" and get on an intellectual level and yet have such a vacancy of on an emotional level.

(and, for the record, none of this is obviously so dualistic that there isn't a lot of blending of the two extremes)

my journey right now is bridging that gap that is filled with old defense mechanisms, illusions, and ways of being that served me at one time in my life, but not anymore. conceptually, it seems so easy and yet the path is not so clear. or is it? one practice is to notice those times when i begin to hold myself back and to cross over that line and say what it is i want to say.

it's a poignant time for me to be addressing all this. the separation from ami confronts many of these old triggers.

lately, i wake most mornings feeling lonely. there was a time several months ago where i woke alone, but not lonely. right now, i feel abandoned and confused. in general, i am feeling much more solid, grounded and open ... but the sorrow, anger and disappointment are still with me. i cannot rush through these feelings. i miss her. i miss the companionship. i miss the intimacy with her. it feels like i've been shut out by one of my best friends. and it hurts to have the perception that this separation isn't all that hard for her. the change feels so drastic - more so than seems necessary.

i am surprised by the gentleness in which i feel all these things. it occurs to me the more i allow all the emotions to come, the less force they need to make themselves known. i've noticed a few times when there are strong spikes of emotion how i've been avoiding a particular feeling or hiding from it. that awareness feels good.

and i am thankful for the wealth of love and acceptance i have for her.

everything feels like a giant pendulum this week.

i always have so much more to say when i write than when i speak. i believe the time it takes to type allows me to get further inside and uncover other things that are coming up for me. i want to tell you about my feelings about transformational work and how, on some levels, it feels like a ridiculous luxury to think about these things. i want to share with you thoughts about my upcoming trip. i want to expose other fears and excitement that seem to be pervasive in my day to day life.

but for now, i am just going to get back to being. allowing this morning's sadness to flow through me and make space for whatever is next.

****

sometimes i sit back and i think "this is all really happening".

i feel like i've been in a haze for the past while.
where am i? how did i get here?

it all makes sense ... and it all doesn't

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?