Amplification

Returning to SF from my spring break has unfortunately amplified the heartache I've been dealing with. It's frustrating and aggravating to still be in the throes of this emotional journey. I know it hasn't been that long and that broken hearts aren't known for rapid healing ... sigh ... I just ... I just hate it.

So many thoughts and feelings about all this - all the time.

Some moments I feel total love and compassion for her, really understanding where she is and what she is trying to do for herself. Other moments I am so angry that she has pulled herself away so drastically ... that the choice to end our physical intimacy wasn't supposed to end our connection and friendship. Still other moments, I get pissed at myself for being so hooked into this one human being and at the same time "getting" that this is all part of what happens when you fall madly in love with someone and then "lose" them. And then there's the jealousy and the longing. There's the missing someone who was becoming one of my best friends in the world. There's the frustration at the not knowing how to be around her and not knowing what she is thinking/feeling about all this. There's the just wanting to be connected again and not knowing why that isn't happening. There's the resistance to reaching out - not willing to put myself at risk for any more rejection. There's the faith an patience that this is not a permanent phase and that things will come around. There's the resignation and bitterness that says, "Fuck you world, I don't want any of it anymore." There's the fear of this sadness pushing other people away even more. There's the appreciation of learning all that I am learning about myself. There is the mixed emotional states that come with knowing that I just want to feel wanted. And then it comes back full circle to just having total love and compassion for her, for myself, for everything.

I also get angry at myself for being so affected by all of this. She is just one woman. Why am I so fucking hung up on her? I know, I know because I'm in love with her. I can feel how the healing process is starting to harden me against her and I hate that.

I just don't know what to do. She isn't really reaching out to me and I feel like it would just be futile for me to reach out to her. I don't get it. I have to trust that behind all this distance, she is still the woman that I fell in love with and who, until recently, told me again and again how much she loved me ... how much I didn't even know how much she loved me. The woman i had the ability to open again and again just by being me. It feels as if that has all changed, and yet I resist believing that.

I guess the key is to just continue being and have patience for this transition period to play out. Perhaps we'll be close again, perhaps not. I would consider it a great loss if we aren't able to be involved in each others lives in a deep and intimate way. Right now, I just have to wait for her to be ready to want to connect again. I'm done with chasing.

I'm trying, I really am trying to balance all of these feelings. I know that everything I am feeling right now comes from this place of love. The fact that I feel unable to express that pisses me off, saddens me, and confuses me. And so I write about it here when I just can't sit with it anymore. I make it public to be honest about who I am right now. I go through parts of the day when I feel so numb and apathetic and then I notice that the numbness is just a desensitization of the overwhelm of emotion. I feel like i should be able to "just get over it," but it's not that simple. fuckin' hell.

i want a birds-eye view of it all so i can just understand what this is all about. why are things the way they are right now? is this the way it is supposed to be? is this the way it has to be? is this what she wants? is this what i need? is the love still there? is the friendship still there? am i supposed to just surrender to it all or am i supposed to be taking emotional risks to create what i want?

i don't know. i just don't know. i know what i want, and i don't know what to do about that - or if i am supposed to do anything.