struggling.

i want to sit here and write tales of healing and inspiration,
of feeling on top of the world,
of being alive and happy and building the life that i dream of.

i am glad to say, somedays i do feel that.

today is not one of those days.
some days are harder than others.
days go by and i start to feel like i am opening & healing,
and then another comes and crushes me. literally crushes me.

gaaaaaawwwwwwwwwdddddddddd damnit. ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow!
and even that expression makes light of the feelings i have right now.

i don't know how to do this. i really don't.
why does this hurt like it did when sarah and i split up? the circumstances are so different and yet ... the emotions are so similar. that feeling of my heart - gentle, tender, deep, full - being shredded and crushed?
why is it that a woman that i have loved for just a few months can have gotten in so deep?
i guess the heart knows no time.

i don't know how to not love her as deeply as i do.
i don't know how to not want her the way i do.
i don't know how to be with those feelings.
i don't know how to watch her be in this exploration with other men so soon.

i feel like a chump.

i wish i could fool myself into thinking that i want something else.
i mean, i do want something else, don't i?
do i really want to be in pain?
do i really want to think about her all the time?

no.
and yet ... i do.

if i am to trust in the universe that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens is perfect,
why does this feel so wrong?
and why does it hurt like hell sometimes?
why does it sometimes feel okay and other times feel like i am being eviscerated?

fuck it.
really.
fuck it all.

i'm so tired of this.
i'm tired of feeling depressed.
i'm tired of feeling desperately alone when surrounded by friends.
i'm tired of being in love with a woman to whom i am just another guy.
i'm tired of waking up at 4am.


bitch bitch moan moan.
i know.
this is terribly inelegant and not the impression i want to leave the world with of me.
but, really, fuck it. this is who i am right now.

a man ... who feels broken and alone inside ... yet carries himself with as much strength and hope as he can.
who is trying desperately to let go of being some idiotic sense of perfect.
who is trying to learn who he is more and more.
who is trying to find his intrinsic source of joy and peace and live from it.
a man who is trying to be patient and have faith that better days will come and believe that he has any fucking control over that.
that he will get past this, over this ... without turning off his heart, without turning cold and bitter, without denying what is real.

so ... how do i do that?
how do i heal from this and at the same time accept that i am very much in love with this woman, that my heart is still very much attached, that my desire for connection and intimacy with her is strong ... how do i be with that and deal with the resulting pain of that attachment?

is the only solution to kill it?
i don't want to have to kill that love to be around her.

a friend was telling me today about what Nelson Mandela said was one of his greatest fears when he was imprisoned.
he said developing hatred toward his oppressors was one of those great fears.

likewise, i don't want to hate her. far from it. i love her. i love who she is at her essence.

i feel weak for not being able to just let go.
i feel strong for even being able to deal with all this in the first place.

part of me believes that the path is to increase my own self-love and that that is the source of healing.
and another part of me believes that i have a ton of self-love and that has nothing to do with all this.
another part of me strives for that perfect buddha state of being unattached and thus, without suffering.
and another recognizes that i am human, that i'm hurt and that there is nothing else to do but be with it.

i don't want to feel this way anymore.

i'm embarrassed to post this. but something Guy said tonight resonated with me. he was talking about living from one's essence and how we often resist that because it is a vulnerable place to come from. my fear is being vulnerable to any of you. my fear is of looking weak. my fear is having to convince you that i am a strong mutherfucker. my fear is that ami will see this and pull away even more.

and yet, as much as i am wary of exposing all this, i don't want to hide it either. i choose to be who i am right now, exposing my vulnerability, risking looking weak or pathetic ... and that is totally scary to me. i feel like i just want to post things that make it look like i have my shit together, like i am strong, like i am happy, like i am transforming, learning, growing. i am all that ... but not tonight.

i know that today is just a bump in the road and that it is likely that i will feel better again tomorrow.
this is cathartic for me and i don't want to hide it all (even though i really want to hide it all).