a collection of thoughts

i feel so blessed to be involved in the communities that i am involved with. rather, i am grateful to be in the presence of people i respect and admire, who inspire me and teach me, who accept me and reflect me. i had very interesting experiences this weekend. the days were long and uncomfortable - i struggled with intense feelings of loneliness and distraction, being off-centered and depressed (much more so on saturday than on sunday). this, of course, just added to my frustration at having a limited focus on the work i was trying to get done. i took a lot of walks, which were helpful.

the nights, however, were fantastic. friday night i danced with friends and was able to let go of everything and feel joy and lightness. saturday night was even better as i spent hours and hours just connecting with old friends and new ... feeling so free of everything that has been weighing me down lately. i had a clearing conversation with one friend, helped another friend work through some physical pain with my massage, and spent hours lying on cushions in front of the fire talking with various people. i especially enjoyed talking with this woman, prudence, who was a friend of a friend whom i had never met. not only did we have great and fun conversations, but it also wasn't laden with everything that i've been working through lately and it was so refreshing to let go of that for awhile.

we spoke a lot about language and spirituality and different forms of expression. one of the shifts i felt was when i let in the idea about how we can create our own realities. do you ever have the experience where you re-encounter ideas and concepts that you know and agree/disagree with at some level and, for whatever reason, they sink in to a deeper level of understanding? that’s what happened for me around this. it occurred to me how much ability i have to shape my physical, emotional, spiritual environment. having been plagued by so many negative thoughts lately has been oppressive. the challenge I find is creating positive thoughts to replace them.

i’ve also had some relieving talks with ahmi lately. we spoke thursday, friday and saturday last week – each time i felt closer and closer to her again. each time brought me relief in the pain i was feeling about the chasm that had broken between us. each time i felt the friendship that i knew was there and have been wanting so intensely. these experiences have allowed me to sink into another level of acceptance and raise up a level out of my rut. it is all feeling much better right now.

there are still emotional obstacles to face … a lot of them are my own demons. one of the things that is hard to deal with is thinking that as people in my community see ahmi out at parties being flirtatious or intimately engaged with other people, they will think I wasn't good enough. and again – there is that frustration with being so wrapped up into external validation and caring so much what others think of me.

another insight is that the loss i feel is partially because i had such intimate connections with someone that so many others desire. now that I’m not in that same dynamic with her and can see her exploring that with others, i feel less special. i feel seen by others as a failure and, again, not good enough. that wound is so fucking pervasive.



when i look in the mirror lately, i see someone who likes they have been through a war. i feel like i have been; the life in my eyes seems so distant. and it's great to say that there were times this weekend where I felt so happy and free of burden, that i almost forgot what it felt like. how fucking refreshing. something shifted. made room for me to have a fuller experience of who i am ... not just that part of me that needed or wanted to feel the pain.

It’s disconcerting to realize that there is something about depression that pulls me in. I notice where I refrain from commenting that I feel really good right now in case I feel bad again later. There is some association in my being that says if I am feeling good, people go away – they think I don’t need them. Whereas, when I am feeling blue, people check in on me, come to me without me having to reach out all the time. That is a big issue for me … feeling like I have to be the person to reach out to others in order to spend time with anyone. It seems that if I didn’t call anyone, I could easily be at home alone for weeks before anyone thought to invite me to do something.

That’s one of the many draws to wanting a relationship. Because there is someone who is my companion, who chooses me, who wants to spend time with me often.

It’s not that I think that people don’t want to spend time with me. It’s just been years since I’ve felt like I’m on people’s “A” list. It’s been years since I feel like I’ve had best friends that weren’t also my partner.

And when I am feeling down and let that be known, I notice that dynamic change. People call me or write me to see what’s happening, how I am doing.

I so don’t want to post this. This feels ugly and self-pitying. I’m not intending to write it in that tone, it’s more a matter of fact account of how I’ve felt. But I don’t like that that is how I feel. It makes it so much harder going through a transition like this with ami, to see her as one of those incredibly magnetic people who has the exact opposite issue … too many people want something from her. She struggles to make time for herself and everyone she wants to connect with.

There’s so much I could say about all this stuff coming up for me. It’s not the first time, that’s for sure. I feel like I need to find some acceptance and peace around the fact that, right now, I don’t have friends calling me everyday “just because” … and, even though I very much know that doesn’t mean that they don’t love me, I want to resolve what is behind all that for myself that makes me feel so alone.

I also cringe at thinking that those friends who read this will be motivated to reach out. I have this strange aversion to asking for things like this and feel terrible if people reach out, not because they want to, but because I want them to.

There’s something. Whatever part of me that wants validation from others wants it without asking for it. It all comes back to this deep desire to feel wanted. God, I want to fill whatever those holes are within me with my own self. i don’t want to depend on others for my feelings of self-worth.

Is that common? How much of that is just a part of being human? What part of that is healthy vs. unhealthy? Another realization is how quickly I jump on that notion of needing others and judge it as bad, like I should be able to do it all on my own. Maybe that’s the thought pattern that needs to relax a bit.

Mostly I can just trust what my instincts say – which is that there is a balance to it all. I can’t depend on others to validate me, but I can accept and ask for that at times for reminders and reflection. There’s some line between being contributed to and being dependent upon. I don’t think I’m all that dependent on others for this, but I also feel like there is some room for exploration around it all.

Once again, this has gone on much longer than anticipated. And I didn’t even get to talk about how much I want school to be OVER! I’ll leave that one for tomorrow or the next day. For now, back to creating my reality with positive thoughts, abundance, health, peace and a full-fucking-nights sleep!