relief

what began as an intent for a quick hello over IM with Ami yesterday turned into a four hour conversation. some of it was just talking and relating, most of it was processing, which is to be expected to some extent. the topic was mostly around the creation of friendship ... if and how that is possible and what allows that to happen. is it time apart? is it clarity of boundaries? what is a clean break?

i know i want her in my life as a close friend. i also know that i need to be clear on the distinctions of that (what i want in friendship, what she wants). it feels good to have had some time connecting and getting more clear and explicit about all of that.

she has a lack of trust in me being honest with myself right now. that's hard to hear and a great challenge at the same time. i feel very clear around that which i feel clear about. the question is ... am i lying to myself about anything? if so, what? is there anything i am hiding from?

what i feel right now is no need to rush into anything and also no need to hide from anything. one of her concerns is that she wants to not hold things back from her friends, which means, if we were friends, she would be telling me about all her exploration right now. she wonders if i can and should handle that. for me, it doesn't feel like it makes a difference. i know, generally, that she is open to and is exploring things with other people right now. i may not know the specifics, but does that make a difference? i don't claim that it wouldn't be hard at first to hear about stuff more specifically. but the value in going through that experience for me is in creating the reality that is. what i know about myself is that i function with honesty and "knowing" much better than leaving things up to my imagination.

and that's one of the things i will sit with and really explore what feels okay to me and what doesn't.

one of the things i've been wanting most is to be in communication with her, to relate. it feels really good to have had that last night. it helps alleviate a lot of the pain of wanting that so much and not having it.

my primary focus is still on my own healing. i haven't felt capable of that the past couple days, but today i feel more positive about it.

step 1.
address these feelings of loneliness so that when i spend time with people, it's not about filling some holes in me, but just spending time with them.
it's about getting back in touch with that place within me that knows i am whole, joyful, alive.

and the big question i have for myself is: is there any part of me that is holding onto the pain for unhealthy reasons? is there some reason that i want it around? am i inflating it at all for attention or sympathy?

i have to look deep to discover the answers to those questions. in what i have found thus far, it is all genuine. it is also a mixture of stuff that is more that just ami and i separating. it has stirred up a lot of other things that also need healing.

i don't really know how to do it, but i trust i'll find my way.

it occurs to me that because i have been using this space to write about the hardest things, that it may seem as if that is the totality of my experience. yet, like any of my journals, i tend to write about the hard stuff and leave out the good. more on this later ... i am having some insights on some other stuff now but need to get back to work.