i who have died am alive again today

It was a really good weekend over all. I love my friends. :)

On Friday, Ems was in town so we got a posse together and celebrated. It started at The Drunken Boat in Berkeley where my friend Z is so kind to take care of people with their culinary needs. Within moments of me beginning to tell Luna about the recent events of my life that have me in a kind of a tailspin lately, Z came over and offered his opinion on a cure for my woes. the prescription was two simple words: strip club. And when I mentioned that's a luxury a broke college student doesn't have in his future, my three fabulous companions (Ems, Luna, and J) all jumped in to say that they were going to take me and buy me lap dances. And for those of you who don't know, when three beautiful women tell you that they want to take you to a strip club and buy you lap dances, life ain't that bad. It really kinda puts things in perspective. :)

We then spent several hours drinking wine, eating, hot tubbing, picture-taking, connection-having, fun-making, bribe-collecting, innuendo-slinging, and tickle-fighting over at the barton house with the addition of other fine friends. the cavorting was so merry, that in the end, despite much anticipation, we decided not to break ourselves away from the comfort and warmth of home in order to head to the city for a strip club. so, instead, a new prescription was given. this time it was also two simple words: rain check.

truthfully, a night with friends like that is WAY better than a strip club, which means that (a) there's something wrong with me, (b) i'm getting older, or (c) friends are better than hot, scantily clad women (unless of course, your friends ARE hot, scantily clad women).

that night i got home way to late and woke up way too early to get the first day of my men's group retreat. so saturday was spent out in nature with 15 other men. it's all confidential-n-shit, so I can't tell you what we did specifically, but I can say that it involved lots of stuff i wouldn't write about anyway. ;)

there was an extended moment on the beach that afternoon when i was walking alone for awhile where everything just slipped away ... all my concerns, troubles, aches, pains, sorrow, anxiety, fear, ego ... and i just was. me, walking on the beach, totally present, totally me, totally joyful and alive, in the moment. i felt big, i felt possibility, i felt peace, i felt inspired, i felt solid. i felt free of all attachments.

i guess it's fair to say it was a spiritual moment, though it wasn't characterized with the feeling of being one with everything (that's a more common theme in moments that i recognize as spiritual). it surprises me how moments like that can just come along when i am out in nature, just walking along by myself, experiencing life.

it reminded me of this e.e. cummings poem:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~ ee


so that's that. good weekend. finding more and more value bringing more of myself to the table in my relationships. there is part of me that is longing for some discontinuous change in my life, yet i am still very much appreciating the more gradual and predictable path i am on.