i'm back at my apartment/flat after a very trying travel day (more on that later).
as we were flying into oakland this morning, i noticed a slight sinking feeling in my body. the faint questions arose, "what am i coming back to? what do i have to look forward to?"
this immediately spurred the thought, "did i leave something behind?" (as in, did some aspect of my life really "stop" when I left the bay area for maine that i am now returning to?)
a slight taste of melancholy in my mouth, i realized that there was something missing in my interpretation of coming back to SF ... coming home. my association created this missing feeling because my apartment is not my 'home', it is merely where i live.
home is where i am. this is a concept that i embraced when i've traveled around the world for months on end. it all begs the question (for me), "what is home and why does coming back to SF leave me feeling a little melancholy?"
it makes me aware of misplacing my attention on "what's to come" versus what's right here and now.
it's all something to consider.
***
the trip home was ... eventful. my first flight from portland to d.c. was fine. i had an hour+ layover in d.c., which was spent mostly on the computer. as i was walking toward the gate, however, i bumped into an aquaintance - a guy named gita whom i've had brief, though intimate, connections with. turns out we were on the same flight and, though full, there was an extra seat next to him in the second row of the exit aisle (which, by the way, are the best seats on a plane b/c not only do you have the extra leg room, but the seats tilt back as well - unlike when there is only one row).
having a friend to unexpectedly sit next to was helpful as we SAT ON THE TARMAC FOR 5.5 hours waiting out a fabulous lightning storm. the storm was so intense that we couldn't even go back to the gate b/c the airport was shut down and they weren't letting the ground crew out. we eventually did go back to the gate b/c they had to fix one of the bathrooms and refuel before taking off 6 hours behind schedule. sigh. a 12 hour flight from d.c. to sf.
it was great to hang out and talk with gita - he and i have a lot of similar learnings recently about ourselves and relationships, etc.
and now i am home after a little sleep getting back into the details of all the things i am juggling, wondering what's next and what's most important for me to really put my attention on. i feel tired and yet refreshed after the trip to maine with a new perspective on my life here in the big city.
1 comment:
guess I would have more accurately said last night, "welcome here again." it's curious how traveling elicits a feeling of being a different person, and having to reconcile that slightly shifted sense of being with the old place upon return. perhaps it's simply testament to constant process of change inside oneself - a testament that is remarkable becase the shift in perspective that comes with long-distance travel makes the normal, continuous process of change suddenly visible. Like not being able to see that the clock is moving until you go away and realize the hour hand has moved an inch, or not being able to tell if your garden seedlings are growing until you stop watching them for 24 hours. The subjectivity of experience seems to make this perspective shift harder to come by.
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