holding back

i've been told again and again over the past several years that people experience me as if I am holding back. like there is something that they can feel within me that I am not sharing.

i'll admit that i am certainly reserved in some ways, mostly out of a sense of caution i tend to manage my life with. the 'holding back' piece is hard for me to grasp, however.

it's both honoring and disheartening to hear this type of feedback because it speaks to something that is unknown to me. i am not conscious of holding back in the way people express that i am, so i'm not sure what is left to give. and yet, it feels great to have people reflect that they feel a depth in me that is somewhat unknown and mysterious to them. i used to doubt people when they said this about me and now i have to trust that people genuinely experience something held back when they spend time with me.

i don't know what it is. zen says it's my passion that is undisclosed. i can see that. i can see that i spend more time living a practical life than one with abandon and passion. not that those concepts are mutually exclusive, but in my literal and linear mind, they are separate.

for me, it's hard work to get out of my head. it's how i want to live more of my life - balanced between my mind and my body. and yet, though i see immense value in living this way, i resist more meditative time, the practice of slowing down and not living moment to moment in such a goal-oriented manner (interesting that my master's thesis is focusing on the benefits of goal setting).

i believe a lot of what i have yet , to offer is my confidence. my excuse is that being around such an amazing group of intelligent and wise people, i believe everything i have to offer is old news, sophmoric and uninteresting. i've recently been told that this is not true, but i have the hardest time seeing it any other way. the things i know seem so simple that everyone should already know them.

i've always felt like i was latent. i'm 32 years old and yet i feel 26. i have always felt like i catch on to things later than others my age and it has taken me longer to build the age-appropriate confidence. i think my holding back is a symptom of my need to feel like i really know something well before offering myself. (of course, there are exceptions to that rule, but much of the time it is true).

and yet, at the same time, i feel like i sometimes have a wisdom beyond my years.

it all goes to show that the way i see myself and the way i think others see me are often two very different things.

checking in before bed

Hmmm ... not many blog posts lately ... I must not be procrastinating enough.

Yes, 'tis true, I've been quite busy with school this semester and it doesn't look like things are going to cool down anytime soon. I don't mind the work all that much, and I'm still taking time out to see friends, so I think I'll make it through the semester in one piece ... or at least I should be easy to glue back together!

This is just a brief note to let friends know that I just updated my photo site with pictures from Costa Rica. If you know me, you know where to find the photos. Enjoy!