i totally fucking rock

this trip taught me something about myself. i totally fucking rock. i just faced, like, a bunch of my fears and shot every one of them down. i followed my instincts and everytime they lead me to wonderful gems. i feel pretty alive right now and that has everything to do with feeling capable and in charge of my life.

this decision to go to school finally hit me this weekend. it had been, until recently ... just another thing i'm doing. and in many ways it is. but what i didn't get before is that it is a step in utter defiance of complacency. it's taking charge. it's saying that my life wasn't fulfilling me and that i choose to change that. action. and after this weekend i trust that i made the right decision. i still feel a strong pull to be a therapist, but there's something stonger telling me to wait for that ... and it's not fear. it's an instinct and i relearned to trust those instincts this weekend. my new practice is to provide quiet reflective space in my life so that i can clearly listen to these instincts. i fill my life so much that i lose true alone time that is dedicated to me (usually my alone time is dedicated to working on any number of projects i am involved in). which leads me to the first fear i challenged on this trip:

the fear of being alone.

now, i've done the alone thing before. i do it well. but the more i am surrounded by a large, loving community, the more i forget how to be alone. i met a lot of internal resistance in the evenings while i was camping to the thought of being alone for hours in the dark with nothing to do. turns out, this is a wonderful thing. some of my favorite hours were spent staring into a fire, lost in thought.

the fear of isolation.

about two years ago i started having panic attacks when i was camping or anywhere far from civilization. the attacks usually manifested in the form of waking up in the middle of the night, claustrophobic, sweating and shaking uncontrollably, afraid i was going to need medical attention and there was no way to get help due to the isolation. this, while my head attempted to reason with my body telling it that everything was okay. it usually lasted anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour plus. it's even happened at some places i know well with a few hundred other people around. needless to say, i haven't looked forward to the nighttime when i go camping.

knowing this, i was certainly fearful of having episodes on this trip. i am happy to report that i didn't have any at all. i did wake up on the last night not knowing where the hell i was, but that sorted itself out quickly enough as i bonked my head on the flashlight hanging from the ceiling of my tent.

the fear of making the wrong choice.

i also tend to not be a decision-maker in my life because i don't want to be responsible for anyone else being let down by my decisions. this is paralyzing. it's affected my career, it's affected relationships i've been in, it's affected everything i do. i give up my power in order to avoid making mistakes. well, i'm done with that. during this trip, i learned that my instincts are accurate and all i need to do is listen to them and follow them. again and again they lead me to the right place on my vacation. i know from past experiences how holding back from these instincts damages my life and how others can feel when i am not living my truth. this was just another good lesson to remind me of that and good solid proof to show me that i can trust myself.

the fear of not being able to take care of myself.

see above. once again, i realized that i take care of myself just fine. i forget that for some stupid reason. somehow i forget that the fact that i have a place to live, food to eat, people who love me, people i love and stupid toys to play with are not a "given" ... that i have made this life for myself ... that i continue to make this life for myself. it's important to remember that the decisions you make matter and that living an active (rather than passive) life is a choice.

okay, i'm sounding preachy now, but that's just what i re-learned on this trip.

i totally fucking rock.