San Jose, Day 2

Day Two: Still in San Jose.

I woke up this morning after a less-than-full nights sleep. The noise and the heat are a bit to get used to, but with my earplugs in, I managed to sleep about 5 hours. It's somewhat refreshing to hear the sound of exotic birds singing at all hours dusk and dawn, though the unfamiliar noise distracts me from solitude.

I experienced a mild panic/anxiety attack last night as I was trying to go to sleep. I think it was an affect of culture shock, exhaustion and uncertainty. I actually sat through it with relative ease and am rather proud of myself for not totally freaking out as I would have in the past. I've done a lot of work around my infrequent irrational fears (as I mentioned yesterday), so I'm glad that they are an experience I can be with and not something that controls my life (though I'll admit there were times last night that I wondered why I didn't just get on a plane home today).

It's pretty hard to confess this stuff to you, oh internet. These are aspects of my life which I am not proud of. They illuminate the fact that I am not perfect. I hold myself to such unreasonable standards that I don't expect of anyone else. Faces of friends would appear in my mind last night and I watched the expressions I projected onto their faces as I revealed my cowardice. These expressions are what kept me sane ... knowing that I want to live up to a more bold version of myself. Once again, I hope that this is just a natural part of me and not one I have to cajole.

Enough of that though.

So this morning I tried to make a reservation for Montezuma, the beachside town I want to travel to. I was unsuccessful, so I decided to stay in San Jose another night and head out early in the morning for the 6 hour journey and take my chances when I get there. I should find a reasonably priced place with some time and effort. It will be much easier than trying to make a reservation on the phone with people who do not speak English.

Instead, I spent the day walking around San Jose with two women from Canada, Heidi and Soma and their German friend Vera. We visited the Museum of Modern Art and Design which was interesting, but rather sparse in many ways. The gallery was in this national cultural compound that housed a few buildings presumably all with galleries of some sort. None of us could really read the placards that described the art very well, so we had to guess at what it all meant, but that's what modern art is about anyway, no? One exhibit that struck me in particular was by this San Salvadorian artist who recreated a city scape of graffiti in stacked cardboard boxes. The boxes were drawn on as if they were different buildings and then doused with various graffiti art.

We also walked around some dilapidated parks and took in more of the haphazzard architecture in this city where you'll find 100 year old buildings falling apart next to hideous 70's "modern" designed low-rise buildings ... all of this next to a shack constructed of rusting corrogated steel.

Well, it's late and my writing isn't as coherent as it should be. Tonight will be my last night of free internet access, so my posting may become more sporadic depending on how often I feel like finding an internet cafe. If I get too bored with just sitting around on the beach, you may find multiple posts a day, though it would be good to ween myself off of my email habit.

Okay internet ... goodnight!

Day One, Part II

Okay, so it's a little after 10pm and there's not a whole lot to do here. They have satellite TV blasting in the common room and I'm not so interested in TV. I have free internet, so ... what the hell?

It's been interesting for me to embark on this journey. There hasn't been emotional excitement about coming to Costa Rica since I solidified the plans. It's been more about having the time, loving to travel and wanting to take advantage of the opportunity. There's the added bonus of getting out of rainy San Francisco for awhile before school.

But I wonder how much of my resistance is due to fear vs. apathy. I noticed on the plane today the undercurrents of fear. When it comes down to it, I am fearful of discomfort, of being unable to take of myself when in dire need and of needing medical care when none is available. I've worked hard over the years to overcome these fears and most of the time I can push through them, but they tend to always surface when I arrive in unknown situations. I hope that one day I will conquer them completely, but I also wonder if I will always have these fearful tendencies and will only learn to manage them better.

There is a large part of me that wishes I had a travel companion right now. I've been meeting people all night, which is great, but there is something different about having someone *with* you. And at the same time, I wanted to come on this trip alone and will inevitably have some adventures that I wouldn't have if I were travelling with someone. (Plus, the majority of the female travelers thusfar are Hotties!)

Thinking back to last year when Madhavi and I travelled to Belize and Costa Rica, I have to remember that the same fears came up ... and they always went away as well.

I'm not really so worried about the worrying ... I'm just wondering what purpose it is serving me and wondering if it will always be a part of me. Perhaps it's just in my nature. Perhaps it's genetic?

Anyway, the combination of some travel wariness and the less-than-excited drive behind this trip has benefitted me in one way ... no plans! I think I prefer traveling with no plans even if it increases the stress around wondering if I'll find a place to stay in my destination.

I know I'm going to read back over this and think that I'm just being a wuss, but hell, it's my experience and it's obviously not holding me back ... so fuck it.

NOTE: My next entry will inevitably read something like, "What the hell was I talking about ... I love it here and I'm never leaving!"