i've been told again and again over the past several years that people experience me as if I am holding back. like there is something that they can feel within me that I am not sharing.
i'll admit that i am certainly reserved in some ways, mostly out of a sense of caution i tend to manage my life with. the 'holding back' piece is hard for me to grasp, however.
it's both honoring and disheartening to hear this type of feedback because it speaks to something that is unknown to me. i am not conscious of holding back in the way people express that i am, so i'm not sure what is left to give. and yet, it feels great to have people reflect that they feel a depth in me that is somewhat unknown and mysterious to them. i used to doubt people when they said this about me and now i have to trust that people genuinely experience something held back when they spend time with me.
i don't know what it is. zen says it's my passion that is undisclosed. i can see that. i can see that i spend more time living a practical life than one with abandon and passion. not that those concepts are mutually exclusive, but in my literal and linear mind, they are separate.
for me, it's hard work to get out of my head. it's how i want to live more of my life - balanced between my mind and my body. and yet, though i see immense value in living this way, i resist more meditative time, the practice of slowing down and not living moment to moment in such a goal-oriented manner (interesting that my master's thesis is focusing on the benefits of goal setting).
i believe a lot of what i have yet , to offer is my confidence. my excuse is that being around such an amazing group of intelligent and wise people, i believe everything i have to offer is old news, sophmoric and uninteresting. i've recently been told that this is not true, but i have the hardest time seeing it any other way. the things i know seem so simple that everyone should already know them.
i've always felt like i was latent. i'm 32 years old and yet i feel 26. i have always felt like i catch on to things later than others my age and it has taken me longer to build the age-appropriate confidence. i think my holding back is a symptom of my need to feel like i really know something well before offering myself. (of course, there are exceptions to that rule, but much of the time it is true).
and yet, at the same time, i feel like i sometimes have a wisdom beyond my years.
it all goes to show that the way i see myself and the way i think others see me are often two very different things.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
checking in before bed
Hmmm ... not many blog posts lately ... I must not be procrastinating enough.
Yes, 'tis true, I've been quite busy with school this semester and it doesn't look like things are going to cool down anytime soon. I don't mind the work all that much, and I'm still taking time out to see friends, so I think I'll make it through the semester in one piece ... or at least I should be easy to glue back together!
This is just a brief note to let friends know that I just updated my photo site with pictures from Costa Rica. If you know me, you know where to find the photos. Enjoy!
Yes, 'tis true, I've been quite busy with school this semester and it doesn't look like things are going to cool down anytime soon. I don't mind the work all that much, and I'm still taking time out to see friends, so I think I'll make it through the semester in one piece ... or at least I should be easy to glue back together!
This is just a brief note to let friends know that I just updated my photo site with pictures from Costa Rica. If you know me, you know where to find the photos. Enjoy!
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Stress
At the end of last semester, one of our professors said, "By the end of spring semester, you'll need to decide what your thesis is going to be". What she didn't say is that, basically, we need to know what our research question will be by the 3rd week of the semester.
I feel so unprepared to figure out what I want to spend the next year and a half researching - especially since most of the topic I am interested in just aren't feasible to take on for a Master's Thesis.
My interests are in team work (many aspects), leadership development, change management and organizational citizenship behavior. Most of the research topics I have thought of require access to populations that may be hard to gain access to and projects that require some element of a longitudinal study (i.e. certain communication styles in virtual teams and their effect on team performance).
Needless to say, the lack of a thesis idea at this time is causing me great stress. I keep reminding myself that it's only a thesis project and it's not that big a deal ... but then I remember that this is something I am going to be sick of by the time I am done, so I'd better love it now. And that it's probably better to choose a topic that I want some expertise in so that when I have finished my degree, I have some marketable skill and knowledge above and beyond the coursework I will have completed.
Obviously research should also extend our knowledge of some topic and be of some benefit to the public.
What's most interesting (to me) is to watch myself through this process ... to notice the times when I just completely shut down vs. the times that I gather my will and charge of in another direction to explore possibilities.
Today, I am in the middle. Obviously, the fact that I am blogging right now shows some form of avoidance and lack of effort. I don't always do so well with the big unknown.
Here's the latest thesis idea: tell me what you think.
I've always been fascinated with how we behave at work. For many of us, the way we express ourselves at work is quite different than how we express ourselves outside of work (especially those who work in the corporate environment). One possible research question is to discover if there is a correlation between an individual's percieved level of freedom of expression and their job satisfaction. In other words, if you feel completely free to express yourself at work are you more/less satisfied with your job than someone who feels restricted in their expression?
That ... or the effects of mass quantities of fried foods and chocolate on my gut.
I feel so unprepared to figure out what I want to spend the next year and a half researching - especially since most of the topic I am interested in just aren't feasible to take on for a Master's Thesis.
My interests are in team work (many aspects), leadership development, change management and organizational citizenship behavior. Most of the research topics I have thought of require access to populations that may be hard to gain access to and projects that require some element of a longitudinal study (i.e. certain communication styles in virtual teams and their effect on team performance).
Needless to say, the lack of a thesis idea at this time is causing me great stress. I keep reminding myself that it's only a thesis project and it's not that big a deal ... but then I remember that this is something I am going to be sick of by the time I am done, so I'd better love it now. And that it's probably better to choose a topic that I want some expertise in so that when I have finished my degree, I have some marketable skill and knowledge above and beyond the coursework I will have completed.
Obviously research should also extend our knowledge of some topic and be of some benefit to the public.
What's most interesting (to me) is to watch myself through this process ... to notice the times when I just completely shut down vs. the times that I gather my will and charge of in another direction to explore possibilities.
Today, I am in the middle. Obviously, the fact that I am blogging right now shows some form of avoidance and lack of effort. I don't always do so well with the big unknown.
Here's the latest thesis idea: tell me what you think.
I've always been fascinated with how we behave at work. For many of us, the way we express ourselves at work is quite different than how we express ourselves outside of work (especially those who work in the corporate environment). One possible research question is to discover if there is a correlation between an individual's percieved level of freedom of expression and their job satisfaction. In other words, if you feel completely free to express yourself at work are you more/less satisfied with your job than someone who feels restricted in their expression?
That ... or the effects of mass quantities of fried foods and chocolate on my gut.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
If the president were a gangsta
Reprinted , without permission, but for your pleasure ... a portion of the president's State of the Union address from Jan. 28th translated by 'Gizoogle' :
President Deliva "State of tha Union"
The U.S. Capitol
9:01 P.M. EST
THE PRESIDENT fo yo bitch ass: Mr. Pushas Vice President Cheney, memba of Congress, distinguished citizens n fellow citizens: Every year, by law n by custom, we meet hizzle ta killa tha state of tha union droppin hits. This year, we pimp in this chamba deeply aware of decisive days tizzle lie aheezee.
You n I serve our country in a tizzy of bootylicious consequence. Dur'n this session of Congress, we have tha duty ta reform domestic programs vital ta our country; we have tha opportunity ta save millions of lives abroad fizzy a terrible diseaze. We wiznill wizzork fo' a prosperity that is broadly shared, n we wiznill answa every danga n every enemy that threatens tha American people . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. (Applause.)
In all these days of promise n days of spendin' we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change n hope n peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, n our union is strong cuz its a pimp thang. (Applause.)
This country has many challenges. We wizzay not deny, we wizzay not ignore, we will not pass along our problems ta otha Congresses, ta otha presidents, n pimp generizzles fo shizzle. (Applause.) We wizzle confront thizzay wit focus n clarity n courage . Real niggas recognize the realness..
Dur'n tha last two years, we have seen wizzy can be accomplished whizzen we wizzay nigga . Nigga get shut up or get wet up. To lift tha standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform -- whiznich miznust now be carried out in every schoo' n in every classroom, so that every child in America can read n learn n succeed in life. (Applause.) To protect our country, we reorganized our government n created tha Department of Homeland Securizzles which is mobiliz'n against tha threats of a new era ridin' in mah double R. To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered tha largest tax relief in a generizzles. (Applause.) To insist on integrity in American business we passed tough reforms, n we is hold'n corporate criminals ta account. (Applause.)
Some miznight cizzall this a good record; I cizzall it a good start. Tonight I ask tha Hizouse n Senate ta join me in tha next bold steps ta serve our fellow citizens puttin tha smack down.
Our F-to-tha-izzirst goal is clear so bow down to the bow wow: We must have an economy thizzat grows fizzle enough ta employ every dawg n woman who seeks a job. (Applause.) Brotha recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals n stiznock market declines, our economy is recover'n -- yet it's not sippin' fizzay enough, or strongly enough. Wit unemployment blingin' our nation needs mizzy small businizzles ta open, mizzy companies ta invest n expand, more employa ta put up tha sign tizzy says, "Help Wanted." (Applause.)
Jobs is created wizzle tha economy grows; tha economy grows when Americans hizzle more money ta spend n invest; n tha best n fairest way ta makes sure Americans hizzy tizzle money is not ta tax it away in tha fizzay place . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)
I am propos'n tizzy all tha income tax reductions set fo' 2004 n 2006 be made permanent n effective this year. (Applause.) And shot calla mah pliznan, as soon as I sign tha B-to-tha-izzill, this extra money wizzill stiznart dippin' up in worka' paychecks . Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Instead of gradually reduc'n tha marriage penalty, we should do it now . Holla!. (Applause.) Instead of slowly rais'n tha child credit ta $1,000, we should send tha checks ta American families now . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)
President Deliva "State of tha Union"
The U.S. Capitol
9:01 P.M. EST
THE PRESIDENT fo yo bitch ass: Mr. Pushas Vice President Cheney, memba of Congress, distinguished citizens n fellow citizens: Every year, by law n by custom, we meet hizzle ta killa tha state of tha union droppin hits. This year, we pimp in this chamba deeply aware of decisive days tizzle lie aheezee.
You n I serve our country in a tizzy of bootylicious consequence. Dur'n this session of Congress, we have tha duty ta reform domestic programs vital ta our country; we have tha opportunity ta save millions of lives abroad fizzy a terrible diseaze. We wiznill wizzork fo' a prosperity that is broadly shared, n we wiznill answa every danga n every enemy that threatens tha American people . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. (Applause.)
In all these days of promise n days of spendin' we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change n hope n peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, n our union is strong cuz its a pimp thang. (Applause.)
This country has many challenges. We wizzay not deny, we wizzay not ignore, we will not pass along our problems ta otha Congresses, ta otha presidents, n pimp generizzles fo shizzle. (Applause.) We wizzle confront thizzay wit focus n clarity n courage . Real niggas recognize the realness..
Dur'n tha last two years, we have seen wizzy can be accomplished whizzen we wizzay nigga . Nigga get shut up or get wet up. To lift tha standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform -- whiznich miznust now be carried out in every schoo' n in every classroom, so that every child in America can read n learn n succeed in life. (Applause.) To protect our country, we reorganized our government n created tha Department of Homeland Securizzles which is mobiliz'n against tha threats of a new era ridin' in mah double R. To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered tha largest tax relief in a generizzles. (Applause.) To insist on integrity in American business we passed tough reforms, n we is hold'n corporate criminals ta account. (Applause.)
Some miznight cizzall this a good record; I cizzall it a good start. Tonight I ask tha Hizouse n Senate ta join me in tha next bold steps ta serve our fellow citizens puttin tha smack down.
Our F-to-tha-izzirst goal is clear so bow down to the bow wow: We must have an economy thizzat grows fizzle enough ta employ every dawg n woman who seeks a job. (Applause.) Brotha recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals n stiznock market declines, our economy is recover'n -- yet it's not sippin' fizzay enough, or strongly enough. Wit unemployment blingin' our nation needs mizzy small businizzles ta open, mizzy companies ta invest n expand, more employa ta put up tha sign tizzy says, "Help Wanted." (Applause.)
Jobs is created wizzle tha economy grows; tha economy grows when Americans hizzle more money ta spend n invest; n tha best n fairest way ta makes sure Americans hizzy tizzle money is not ta tax it away in tha fizzay place . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)
I am propos'n tizzy all tha income tax reductions set fo' 2004 n 2006 be made permanent n effective this year. (Applause.) And shot calla mah pliznan, as soon as I sign tha B-to-tha-izzill, this extra money wizzill stiznart dippin' up in worka' paychecks . Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Instead of gradually reduc'n tha marriage penalty, we should do it now . Holla!. (Applause.) Instead of slowly rais'n tha child credit ta $1,000, we should send tha checks ta American families now . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)
Monday, February 07, 2005
# 93
I started working out today. The beginning of a year-long commitment to go to the gym 3-days a week to build muscle, get in better shape and sweat like a smelly farm animal in front of strangers in spandex.
No, I wouldn’t be caught dead in spandex.
After a morning of bench presses, curls, flys and the like, I anticipated that tomorrow might be a sore day for my upper body.
What I didn’t expect was not being able to dry my head after my shower. Somehow my arms … just … wouldn’t … lift … above … my head.
They didn’t hurt.
They were fine a minute ago.
Good lord! I think some bizarre combination of working out and hot water shrunk my biceps!
Maybe I created so much muscle in one workout that I am not yet strong enough to use it! That must be it!
(This does not bode well for future workouts.)
In a year from now, I’ll be, like, all buff-n-shit, but I won’t be able to stand up or feed myself.
I’ll be the best in-shape invalid that ever didn’t walk the earth!
Well, everybody needs to make a name for themselves somehow.
I guess this is my destiny.
No, I wouldn’t be caught dead in spandex.
After a morning of bench presses, curls, flys and the like, I anticipated that tomorrow might be a sore day for my upper body.
What I didn’t expect was not being able to dry my head after my shower. Somehow my arms … just … wouldn’t … lift … above … my head.
They didn’t hurt.
They were fine a minute ago.
Good lord! I think some bizarre combination of working out and hot water shrunk my biceps!
Maybe I created so much muscle in one workout that I am not yet strong enough to use it! That must be it!
(This does not bode well for future workouts.)
In a year from now, I’ll be, like, all buff-n-shit, but I won’t be able to stand up or feed myself.
I’ll be the best in-shape invalid that ever didn’t walk the earth!
Well, everybody needs to make a name for themselves somehow.
I guess this is my destiny.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
in briefs
The fruit of my loom, my family jewels, if you will, are now gently tucked away in $20 underwear.
When did a single f*in pair of mens underwear become $20? Really now. Is that necessary?
I went to Macy's after school today to look for a few articles of clothing for the gym. My friend J and I are starting a 3-day/week workout regimen and I figured maybe it would be nice to (a) not look like a grub, and (b) have some support for the team.
When I first got to the store I asked a clerk if they carried any men's athletic wear. The woman said, "Well, we have some Nike and Adidas over there, but I don't think it's for athletics". I told her that I was looking for something to wear to the gym and she repeated, "Well, we carry Nike and Adidas, but I don't think it's for the gym or for sports or anything".
When I got to the Nike and Adidas section, it was all running clothes and basketball jerseys, etc. Apparantly you don't actually wear this stuff to be athletic anymore. On the contrary, people don't even want their athletic wear to get dirty. It's really all about fashion.
*@#(*^$@^!*(&^#$@($! Excuse me, but isn't athletic wear for athletes!? Aren't you supposed to get a little sweaty while wearing athletic wear? ISN'T IT DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY SPORTS OR USE THE GYM!?
I am very depressed.
Anyway, after realizing that they only make athletic wear for fashion and that it only comes in sizes XL, XXL, and XXXL anyway, I decided I would just buy some socks and underwear. I had some money leftover on a gift card that I got for Christmas which is why I decided to go to Macy's in the first place.
So, when I get to the underwear section, my choices are Polo Ralph Lauren, 2Xist, Tommy Hilfigur, Puma, etc. and a single pair of boxer briefs cost between $18-$26. For fucks sake!
I had $18 left on the gift card. So, I went to Macy's and all I got was this lousy pair of underwear.
I've decided for $18 they are good enough to wear without pants.
Tomorrow, I am only wearing my brand new underwear
When did a single f*in pair of mens underwear become $20? Really now. Is that necessary?
I went to Macy's after school today to look for a few articles of clothing for the gym. My friend J and I are starting a 3-day/week workout regimen and I figured maybe it would be nice to (a) not look like a grub, and (b) have some support for the team.
When I first got to the store I asked a clerk if they carried any men's athletic wear. The woman said, "Well, we have some Nike and Adidas over there, but I don't think it's for athletics". I told her that I was looking for something to wear to the gym and she repeated, "Well, we carry Nike and Adidas, but I don't think it's for the gym or for sports or anything".
When I got to the Nike and Adidas section, it was all running clothes and basketball jerseys, etc. Apparantly you don't actually wear this stuff to be athletic anymore. On the contrary, people don't even want their athletic wear to get dirty. It's really all about fashion.
*@#(*^$@^!*(&^#$@($! Excuse me, but isn't athletic wear for athletes!? Aren't you supposed to get a little sweaty while wearing athletic wear? ISN'T IT DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY SPORTS OR USE THE GYM!?
I am very depressed.
Anyway, after realizing that they only make athletic wear for fashion and that it only comes in sizes XL, XXL, and XXXL anyway, I decided I would just buy some socks and underwear. I had some money leftover on a gift card that I got for Christmas which is why I decided to go to Macy's in the first place.
So, when I get to the underwear section, my choices are Polo Ralph Lauren, 2Xist, Tommy Hilfigur, Puma, etc. and a single pair of boxer briefs cost between $18-$26. For fucks sake!
I had $18 left on the gift card. So, I went to Macy's and all I got was this lousy pair of underwear.
I've decided for $18 they are good enough to wear without pants.
Tomorrow, I am only wearing my brand new underwear
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
mountain high
Holy mary mother of high! I guess I haven't had caffeine in awhile, but I was craving a Mountain Dew this afternoon at school, so I had one.
I didn't think much about it until about 15 minutes after I began sipping away at that sweet nectar of the gods, when everything, and I mean everything, just became utterly euphoric. We're talking high as a kite, my friends ... angels singing to me from the clouds, birds speaking to me in a private language of love, people walking down the hall became my best friends ...
What the hell do they put in that stuff? Is it crack? No, I think it's probably better than crack. And it's legal! For only 75 cents you can have your own can of mountainous glory, a little bit of dewey heaven. True love in a little green can.
What's frightening is that, back in Boston, I used to drink 24-48 ounces of this stuff a day. EVERY DAY. And I don't recall ever feeling like I did today. Which leads me to think that the calm, subdued personality that everyone says I embody is really just part of a 12-year sugar crash from drinking so much Mountain Dew in the past. One of these days, I'll finally come out of it and be back to my pre-San Francisco energetic self.
But until then, I will savor my not-too-frequent adventures into caffeineland where the colors are brighter, the people are happier and I can jump buildings in a single bound!
I didn't think much about it until about 15 minutes after I began sipping away at that sweet nectar of the gods, when everything, and I mean everything, just became utterly euphoric. We're talking high as a kite, my friends ... angels singing to me from the clouds, birds speaking to me in a private language of love, people walking down the hall became my best friends ...
What the hell do they put in that stuff? Is it crack? No, I think it's probably better than crack. And it's legal! For only 75 cents you can have your own can of mountainous glory, a little bit of dewey heaven. True love in a little green can.
What's frightening is that, back in Boston, I used to drink 24-48 ounces of this stuff a day. EVERY DAY. And I don't recall ever feeling like I did today. Which leads me to think that the calm, subdued personality that everyone says I embody is really just part of a 12-year sugar crash from drinking so much Mountain Dew in the past. One of these days, I'll finally come out of it and be back to my pre-San Francisco energetic self.
But until then, I will savor my not-too-frequent adventures into caffeineland where the colors are brighter, the people are happier and I can jump buildings in a single bound!
customer disservice
Is it me, or has customer service gotten worse at just about every company out there?
I could strangle about 50 people right now for wasting my time dealing with shit they screwed up. Since I returned from my trip I've had problems with SFSU, Amazon, Verizon Rebates, Speakeasy, the DPT (well, they have always been a pain in the ass), and my worker's comp insurance company. And though I can write emails and letters and make phone calls ... there is little I can do to avoid the incompetency other than choose not to use their service (which is just not possible in most of those cases).
So what is one to do? Go postal? Sit back and take it like a chump? Breathe in, breathe out? Start ninja training?
Most of these places you can't get someone on the phone to save your life. If you do, it's after waiting for 40 minutes on the phone just to be told to send an email to their customer service.
It really seems like this has all gotten worse lately. Most of the organizations I listed above do not outsource their CS to other countries, so I don't think it's a matter of globalization of industry .. or maybe it is a side effect of that trend since more people are being asked to do more work with less resources in order to compete with companies who have outsourced their labor.
I don't know what it is, but it sure makes those places with good customer service stand out like angels.
If there is one benefit from all this hassle, it's that it has re-awakened my drive to only buy products from companies I want to support and from companies who actually value their customers. I know there are many of these organizations out there and they are going to get as much of my business as possible. I'll take courtesy over convenience most days.
I could strangle about 50 people right now for wasting my time dealing with shit they screwed up. Since I returned from my trip I've had problems with SFSU, Amazon, Verizon Rebates, Speakeasy, the DPT (well, they have always been a pain in the ass), and my worker's comp insurance company. And though I can write emails and letters and make phone calls ... there is little I can do to avoid the incompetency other than choose not to use their service (which is just not possible in most of those cases).
So what is one to do? Go postal? Sit back and take it like a chump? Breathe in, breathe out? Start ninja training?
Most of these places you can't get someone on the phone to save your life. If you do, it's after waiting for 40 minutes on the phone just to be told to send an email to their customer service.
It really seems like this has all gotten worse lately. Most of the organizations I listed above do not outsource their CS to other countries, so I don't think it's a matter of globalization of industry .. or maybe it is a side effect of that trend since more people are being asked to do more work with less resources in order to compete with companies who have outsourced their labor.
I don't know what it is, but it sure makes those places with good customer service stand out like angels.
If there is one benefit from all this hassle, it's that it has re-awakened my drive to only buy products from companies I want to support and from companies who actually value their customers. I know there are many of these organizations out there and they are going to get as much of my business as possible. I'll take courtesy over convenience most days.
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