I'm feeling the need for some change in my life. Over the past week or so, I've really been digging deep into some areas of my life that just aren't working for me.
I've been feeling very negative, closed, impatient, and uptight. I've gotten feedback that this is also how I am being received by some people. It hurts. It hurts to think that people experience me as being judgemental and difficult to approach. It frustrates me to see how, when I am trying to get something done, I completely ignore the people I interact with in order to accomplish my task. It's even a fallacy to say "interact" because that's not what I am doing.
It's been a hard week ... looking at this stuff and not really knowing what to do about it and fearing that I won't be able to lighten up and open up. I know in my heart that that is not true, but, well, you think these things anyway, don't you?
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm tired of people saying that they don't really feel me and that they sometimes feel uncomfortable around me. That all changes when I let people in, but for some reason that seems to be a challenge.
I'm sure this is all sounding a little blown out of proportion and I don't intend it to be. I know that this is definitely an aspect of how people sometimes experience me, but not all always and it's not the only way. It's just what's up for me right now.
Maybe the intensity with which I feel it is a bi-product of being so isolated while in school and so task and goal-oriented all the time with homework deadlines on a daily basis. Who knows. It's certainly nothing new ... it's just time to pay attention to it.
So ... I'm curious ... how do you experience me? Feel free to be honest, I want nothing less Write a comment, or send me an email if you prefer. Reflection is good.
6 comments:
for the record, i don't feel uncomfortable around you.
although for the record, i haven't felt you up either.
i don't feel uncomfortable around you. in fact, i rather enjoy your company. remember this, my friend: everyone lives in their own reality. sometimes they're commensurate, sometimes they're not. but be sure to cross-reference, and understand where people are coming from. cause how you see things is just as important as how they see things. some people are, simply, more level-headed than others. and some people are more level-headed in some situations. put me next to some chick i have a crush on (not that that's happened in a coon's age) and i turn into an idiot. anyway. just keep some perspective. -- zay
okay, wait a minute. i realize that i'm not giving you what you're asking for. the experience of being around youu is like...hmmm. you seem bemused half the time. you seem like you're "holding back." it feels like at any moment something funny will be said. you're witty, and i dig being funny with you. you seem...like a man. earthy. solid. there appears to be stuff going on behind your eyes -- often perhaps a kind of trying to figure out where to position yourself. i don't know what that means. okay. that's it. now, listen: this is my subjective experience. don't look to it to find purchase. cross-reference. build supports. and realize that not everyone's going to feel comfortable around you. what kind of goal is that? eh. i talk too much.
a friend you met at my birthday thought you were gay.
perhaps that really doesn't help.
but it's funny - or at least i thought it was funny.
wait, he's not gay? here i've been wasting my time readiing his damn blog...
--zay
Yes, I'm not gay, I'm just drawn that way.
Thanks for the feedback (most of you), my impression is that what I am refering to, or getting feedback about, applies a lot less to those who have actually known me for some time. This seems to be stuff people pick up on before they get to know me and, for some, it is apparantly a hindrance to getting to know me.
Oh well, at least I look gay. That's why I'm always getting my ass pinched in the Castro!
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