Where does the time go?
It's been a turvy couple of weeks with some good and more not so good. I struggle to keep my head up sometimes and this past week has been a major challenge of my resolve and focus.
Probably the thing I am having the hardest time with is this pain that developed in my right arm on Saturday night, seemingly out of the blue (but probably associated with a workout session at the gym several days earlier). For the past several days, I haven't been able to straighten my arm without a sharp, burning pain that starts at my wrist and zips up the inner length of my forearm. Fortunately, it only happens when I straighten my arm, but the pain isn't the issue. Pain I can deal with. Not knowing exactly what is going on or why part of my arm is numb is what is tampering with my well-being.
Parts of the day, I am fine and convinced that it will go away in a week or so. Part of the day I am convinced that somehow I have permanently damaged my nerve and will loose normal arm functioning over time. It really sucks being a hypochondraic. And it's such a struggle to stay positive about the unknown. I've been to see my chiropractor twice (who helps with my RSI) and he seems to think that it will be fine, yet I still struggle with not knowing exactly how to take care of it for optimal healing.
Anyway ... all that, added to the unusual amount of end-of-the-semester stress and WAY too much to do has left me in quite a funk. Being in a funk does not help one stay focused and get one's shit done.
Today is about that. (Besides this brief break in work). Trying to get focused, think positive about my recovery and get things done well and on time.
What I find interesting is the things I think of to motivate me out of depression - the people who inspire me, the people in far worse conditions than I, the relative unimportance of everything that I have to get done.
It's about stepping outside myself and getting out of the entrapment of my mind ... seeing the big picture and what really matters.
I took last night off. Probably the second time I haven't done any school work all semester. It felt good.
Just so this isn't all depressing, I should talk about the good things that have been happening lately. Recently, I got in touch with a bunch of friends from highschool. Really, this was *the* posse of friends from highschool. There were about 7-10 of us who all spent a lot of time together at the end of school and over the summers. These are the people who corrupted me, taught me how to see life in a different way. These were the people I made music with (and I can't tell you how much I miss those days!). Many of them I have not had contact with for over 8-9 years. Some have been more recent, but it's still been awhile. It's awesome to hear what everyone is up to and reengage. I'm trying to set up a reunion for a year from now or so. Sure, it would be all sappy and nostalgic like one of those stupid reunion movies and we'd spend half the time saying, "Oh my god, do you remember when ..." and "I can't believe how much you've changed" and "I think we need a new caaaaan".
So life is feeling pretty challenging at the moment, but it is not without it's rewards. I will certainly appreciate being on the other side of all this work and fear, waiting for whatever comes next.
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i've had several "oh my god, what if this never goes away!" moments with my knees and other parts of me i no longer remember. my fears have never been realized. faith is hard to have, but i when i muster it in those situations, the symptoms seem to ebb away easier. i have also found it intensely frustrating not to know what's actually going on with my body. but i usually figure it out when i calm down and choose to try one thing at a time, as tempting as it is to do many things for it at once, hoping one of them works. patience is a difficult but virtuous quality at these times, i find. i hope this is of some comfort, and maybe your wrist is already feeling better:)
i've often imagined a friends reunion with the people i used to pal around with all the time in high school, though i've never initiated making it happen. it's heartening to hear that those do happen and that they are fulfilling.
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