I've spent the last five days up in Willits, California with my community. We have an annual 2-day celebration there and it has come to be one of my favorite events of the year. This year was terribly hot and buggy, but the friends, music, food and lounging made up for the uncomfortable conditions. Of course, the high temperatures led to very warm nights, so I can't complain there.
Aside from the many funny things that happened that would be pointless to write about here b/c they all seem to be one of those "you had to be there" moments, I had a great weekend. I tend to have a difficult time at large events as I struggle with the ability to stay focused on any one thing when there is so much to do and so many people to connect with - it generally results in me not connecting with anyone and feeling like I don't know where to be. And then this brings up a smattering of insecurities as I watch others connect and then I feel out of place. These feelings certainly came up a bunch this weekend, but I also became aware of how I close myself off from others when in large groups.
On Saturday night, I was having a conversation with a couple guys and I could literally feel these walls I had up around them ... how I was there talking with them, but not giving much of myself. It's interesting to me how I can be very open and reveal information about myself that would not be considered "surface" stuff, and at the same time be very closed. So much of this same thing came up in my Arete workshop last year - my pattern of social caution.
The re-revelation on Saturday night caused me to drop an octave on Sunday. I felt more relaxed, more open, more ready to connect with people. This was probably partly due to exhaustion - I tend to be more open when I don't have the energy to put up walls, but it was also because I was able to recognize what I had been doing and to make a conscious choice not to engage in that behavior.
In other news: I got a job offer for my internship yesterday at 3D-Group in Berkeley. I think it will be a good position and it's certainly nice to not have to worry about finding an internship anymore. I'll be working mostly on 360-degree evaluations and training assessments. The firm also does some executive coaching, so I'm glad to be working somewhere where I can have some exposure to that field. I'm not thrilled about having my first commute-across-the-bridge job, but it could be worse.
I am still "without thesis" and am leaning heavily towards taking the comprehensive exam option that my program offers. It's about the same amount of work as the thesis, but (a) I'd actually graduate on time (which is rare if you do a thesis) and (b) I'd have a much wider scope of knowledge when I was done. Since I have already done most of the thesis process and I don't have any good ideas at the moment for a new project, the exam is looking pretty good (as good as an 8 hour exam can look!) ugh.
To help prepare myself for this next year, I'm going on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat in the beginning of August. It's going to be so very hard and yet very rewarding (i hope). I've never meditated for more than an hour or so and have only meditated a few handfuls of times in my life ... so it's kinda like sink or swim. It just kinda fits in with the challenges I tend to face myself with every couple of years (6 month solo travels, running marathons, etc.) I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it when I return ... or possibly not.
'til next time ...
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