more

"i just can't stop looking at you ... no, into you" i said
"yeah" she said

"what is this?" she said
"you got me" i said
"yeah" she said, "you got me"

i can't clearly recall a time when i felt so many complimentary and conflicting emotions all at the same time, all so intensely. she was here last night, the first time we saw each other since last week and we had everything and nothing to say to one another ... the only place to be was gazing into each other's eyes and feeling everything that we were feeling. the word transfixed comes to mind. (and yet, without the pointed weapon ... or maybe ...)

my virgo mind wrestles to figure it all out. the rest of me doesn't fucking care ... just wants to be in it. simultaneously feeling like i can be every bit me with her and noticing all the places i hold back and the patterns i follow. years upon years of essentially practicing to be me, trying to make me perfect -- it's all useless, it's all a mask. and so i deconstruct those as i notice them and share and feel so accepted.

this is all new territory. the feelings seem familiar and yet they are brand new. the desire to hold on is strong and yet both the circumstances and the idea of being one without 'attachments' call me away. back and forth, back and forth. Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down.

interesting ... i just got very self conscious about writing this in my blog. it all seems so private, so intimate. who am i writing this for? for me? for her? for you? i suppose i'd like to think that it's just a continuation of the original intention of this blog - for expression ... and i finally have something that feels worth writing about again. something important in my life outside of school and work.

hmmmm ... that makes it sound like i don't have other important things in my life. that is so not true. it seems like everything in my life is important ... my mens group, my friendships, my commitment to taking care of my physical health, my music, my photography, my massage, my community, my connection to nature ... and on and on ... but this is what is grabbing the most attention for me right now, the intensity is amazing. i could gush.

i am resigned to accepting what is. to being fully expressed. to feeling it all. and to being unapologetic.

each one of those is at once an enormous undertaking and at the same time, the most easy way of being.

and with her, in the moment, nothing matters. there is nothing else. hours pass in a blink. a single blink lasts an hour.

what i don't know is 'what's next'
what i do know is 'more'

and that makes me very happy