juicy is good

Ahhh ... so many crushes, so much time. And yet, I'm pretty pleased right now being single. This may, in fact, be the first time in my life when I have not been in a relationship and not been actively craving one. I'm also not closed to the idea, I'm just in this pleasant space in between. Perhaps it's a sign of my growing confidence, knowing that I can manifest the right relationship when I want it (wouldn't that be nice!). Perhaps it's that I'm just too busy to have time to give that much attention to someone else. Mostly, I think it's just that (after being in a relationship for three years) I enjoy my time alone to learn more about myself and figure out what I want.

I get a little freaked out that I'm soon to be 32 and am not on my way to having a family. But, "40 is the new 30", as they say, so I'm not too freaked out. I'll just have to have children with a young, nubile woman. Hey, that doesn't sound so bad!

I'm starting to realize just how uncomfortable blogging can be. First of all, I have *no idea* if anyone has ever even seen this blog. I haven't made note of it amongst my friends and community, though it is linked off my website. And then there's the issue with not knowing if people can tell when I'm kidding and the flip side is, "Do I care?". The point is not to try to be funny (though sometimes I think I am) and not to try to write for an audience (though I think it's hard to get away from that), but just to write what's on my mind.

Blogging is a practice in not caring about judgement ... about putting myself out there and not caring if and how I am received. That's also a new lesson for me which is really fucking hard and also quite enjoyable. One of the commitments I took on recently was to not hold myself back because not only do people sense that I am holding back, but they also *want* me to be fully expressed. I've had a lot of no-bullshit conversations lately where license is given to say anything that wants to be said. Damn if those conversations aren't juicy and exhilarating! I love honesty even when it's hard. I can take the hard stuff, I just can't take it when I know someone is hiding.

Oops, late for work. Now is the part of the post where I feel like I need to wrap it up and tie it all together somehow. But fuck it if I don't. Of course, if I was really comfortable with not being judged for my writing, I would have just ended it without this paragraph. Oh well, nobody's perfect!