revealing the real

So Friday afternoon Zack and I made peace outside the State house. Well over a year of tension and pain washed into the sewers with an agreement to draw the line and walk forward. The lessons and insight have been bubbling up since then and this is what I have learned (or re-learned) thus far:

** My pride gets in my way … I have this side of me that thinks I’m perfect and to admit otherwise is really fucking hard. I feel like I need to be perfect all the time and I carry this misperception that if I am fallible, people won’t like me (old childhood shit).

** There was a lot of the story that I only saw from my perspective and because I felt Zack had betrayed our friendship and wronged me, I didn’t consider his opinion or feelings at all. I transferred some anger that should have been directed at Madhavi onto him because it made it easier to forgive Madhavi.

** Holding onto the anger I had was a way to control the situation. In other words, by casting anger and blame on zack and making him wrong, that affected the relationship between he and madhavi and so I had control over their relationship. Letting go of that meant to fully let go of her and to accept that they were together and happy.

** I miss my best friend and it hurts to accept that she isn’t my best friend anymore … that I’m not the first person she calls when something great happens or when she needs help and how incredibly hard it is to feel replaced.

** Black and White – win or loose. There was a part of me that saw forgiving Zack as losing. I don’t like losing.

Friday night at the ANDC, Madhavi and I had a good and difficult conversation for about an hour on the stairs. It was hard not to be distracted by friends walking by curious as to why we were talking so intently and it was uncomfortable to deal with those who came by and said things like, “you guys are so cute together”. But it was good. We said some hard things, some things that were liberating and some things that were hard to hear and harder to say … but that’s what will make it all work in the end. I fucking love that woman and I love her for being honest with me and for hearing everything I have to say. I feel like we can talk about anything and you just can’t beat that.

I also became clear that the hurt and loss is not about missing the relationship Madhavi and I had. I miss the relationship we wanted to create and I miss my best friend. But I totally see how great it is for Madhavi and Zack to be together. She and I needed to know if we could create the relationship we wanted, but something blocked that so we had to let go of that dream together. She and Zack have a much clearer path to that dream and it is just simply right for them to pursue that together.

It’s interesting that my reaction to bareing my fears and insecurities both feels like I am weakened in the minds of the people who read this and also strengthened by exposing myself in truth.

I’m on a mission. It’s a good one and I’m excited about it. The mission is tapping into my depths on a regular basis. I’m reconnecting with my passions and being honest and revealing my truth and being open to others is something I am very passionate about. It gets me all electric and alive.