end/beginning

Well, it's over. Whatever "it" was. Last night Ami and I spoke for a couple hours about the state of our relatedness. She was clear on the fact that she is done with our exploration and I finally gave up the pursuit of finding a fit between us that looks a certain way.

Today I am feeling a gentle sadness and an uncomfortable emptiness. The sadness is expected and, fortunately, I feel like I've already been through the gut-wrenching agony of this transition. What I feel now has a peaceful undertone to it. The emptiness comes from this feeling of loss. Loss of something I never really had. Well, that's partially true. Part of me felt like I was in a relationship, but the truth of the matter is, we never really had a relationship (in the "partnership" sense). We did have a very close relatedness that I cherished (the time together, the intimacy, the knowing she was out there thinking of me and that we would spend time together soon). I feel sad for the loss of that. This feeling makes it all the more clear to me how much I am just wanting some regularity in my connections with people ... the feeling of intimacy with others such that I know it won't be several weeks before I spend time with them again. The feeling that someone else is a priority in my life and I in theirs. I want this with a few people, not just one. I know it's something I have to jointly create and have doubts to how easy that will be ... everyone is so involved and busy. Perhaps it's a matter of having a more open definition of what all that looks like.

Regret is one of my least favorite feelings and yet it seems to fit a lot of what I am feeling right now.

Regret
1a: to mourn the loss or death of, b: to miss very much
2:to be very sorry for

I regret the way that this had to come about.
I regret that I didn't trust in her conviction about not wanting a relationship and allowing the lines to blur with messages that seemed mixed.
I regret where the unknown strength of my desire for something more got in the way of where I was agreeing to be.
I regret that I let her down in that way and did not uphold what I said I would, completely.

I do not feel like I need to blame myself for this ... I get why and how it happened. It's unfortunate. I have learned a hell of a lot from this experience about my own need for clarity in life (especially when it involves another so intimately) and I believe I'll continue to learn. It seems impossible to even capture in writing everything that this is teaching me.

I fell and am deeply in love with this woman. What I hope to find peace around is this: ever since the first day that we spent together, I've had this deep, clear feeling that, translated, says "I found you". That has been with me every day for the past nearly 5 months. Some days it was vivid and tangible, most days it was just this feeling buried deep inside. It feels like both an amazing blessing and a tragedy at the same time. I don't know what to make of it. I am open to seeing how that can be true and that it doesn't have to mean that we are supposed to be partners. Like Sarah, I trust that she will be in my life in a significant way.

I feel sad that I may have hurt her in any way.
I feel angry that she hurt me.

I am angry at the universe for all of this.

And yet, getting back to the "greater scheme of things" I do believe that people show up in our lives for a time, capacity and reason. It's clear to me how much our experience has taught one another. I am thankful for that. Really. Truly. It helps me feel the acceptance for what is.

For whatever it's worth, Mercury came out of retrograde on the 25th. To whatever extent I believe in Astrology, there is something to be said about that occurrence and what these past 3 weeks have felt like. Is it a coincidence that that period of time was the most chaotic in my life recently? Hmmmmm.

I hate that I feel lonely.

Admittedly, there is also some relief in all of this. I can't say it is a surprise at all. I feel like I've been preparing for it for the past couple weeks. Having resolution feels wonderful regardless of the outcome.

Regret. Despite what I said above, I also do not regret any of this. If you asked me a week ago about the Shakespearian saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," I would have told you to go suck on an egg. But, in actuality, I agree. I would never have passed up this experience. And "lost" is such a subjective term. I haven't lost love at all. We are both still very much deeply in love with one another. That is real. What is lost is the fabrication that it was anything other than it was. Understandably, I grew attached to that fantasy and letting go is painful.

It may very well continue to be a difficult transition ... I can't predict how I'm going to feel nor do I want to try. Right now, I am present to sadness, emptiness, relief, and a vaporous excitement and optimism for what comes next for us ... the growth and deepening of intimacy and love through friendship. I can also feel the hopeful anticipation of having fun together again once some of the dust settles.

What's most important to me is Ami ... in my life ... deeply. I will release that having to look a particular way and surrender to allowing it to be as it wants to be ... all the while paying attention to not giving up who I am to have it.



I bow to the gods of time.