the flow

Hello - oh land of interneters and those who pass by here. You are witness to the land of Jason's period of "letting it all out" to help me figure out what's what. Writing is a great space for me to get through the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart - it slows me down and allows me to look into the nooks and crannies of my being.

For the past week and a half I've been confronted with the fact that something in the relationship between Ami and I has to change. It has changed, actually, but to what? That I don't know yet. Uncertainty is very challenging for me and so I find myself being swished around by the oceans a bit - still determined to find the course that feels 'spot on'. I think part of that is done by letting go and seeing which way the current takes me and part of it is by navigating the waves toward smoother seas.

I recognize I am taking the harder path here. The one where I pursue what I want despite the challenge of it and the chance of going through extreme fluctuations of emotions around it. I know some people would think that the easy route is the way to go, that 'suffering' shouldn't be any part of a relationship like this. Perhaps that is true. And yet everyone i have spoken with who knows us and has seen us together has said, "Keep with it, Jason. Don't give up yet.”

[the harder path as I see it is staying in this space of finding/creating where we fit vs. the easier path which is just walking away and closing her out. and I get that the options aren’t necessarily that dichotomous]

I trust that feedback because it's what my gut is saying. And though I feel so far away from her and though it's difficult to hold on, I can't believe that so much has changed in the past couple weeks to eradicate that connection. It's hard for me to believe that the girl who just two weeks ago was saying I'm "crazy mad in love with you Jason" isn't still in there. I know she is still deeply in love with me, I just can’t feel it lately.

It does concern me that the moods I get in lately, as I am confronted by this change, push her away (permanently) when all i want is her closer again. I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to hide the fact that this is a hard transition, but I don't want to repel her either. I have to trust that being myself is the only way to be. That, and trusting that a little space and time will help.

I also have to be okay with any outcome. And realistically, I am. I could walk away right now. It would be easier in some ways (as in I wouldn't have to sit in uncertainty anymore). Yet, emotionally, it would be just as difficult.

The challenge for me is realigning how I see us together - and seeing if I am really okay with that (and of course, if she is as well). I know I am capable of being with a woman intimately (however that means) and non-restrictively. I've done it in the past several times. It's the transition that is challenging as it calls up a lot of triggers for me that i have to be with, feel, and allow to resolve. Right now I'm letting go of the dreams I created. It's been a turbulent process.

I still can't say what I'll choose tomorrow. I know right now that I am up for being right where I am ... I'm still learning and growing.

And when I step out of my emotions and head I just see how much I love this woman from the depths of my heart. I want her to have everything she desires. She deserves it.

She is an angel. She is luminous and vibrant. She has an infinite heart and a keen insight. She is raw and radical. She is the alley cat ... sleek, sexy, comfortable in her habitat, ruler of her world, relaxed, confident, - but ready to pounce at any moment ... dreaming of a nice warm fireplace to get cozy with but always ready to be back out on the streets causing mayhem, stirring up trouble and meeting all the other cats to play with.

Namaste, my love.