i am ...

Broken Hearted.

Ami and I are in this space of distance and detachment. The past three weeks have been challenging and have uncovered a lot of clarity about where we both are and what we want. Last Friday, we seemed to have a break-through from some of the detachment, yet our last interaction on Saturday night was characterized by frustration, anger and resentment. I don’t know what all this means and I have to stop trying to understand that. Right now, it’s about learning from what I do know.

[Disclaimer: I represent my own perspective on this matter, obviously. I do not mean to put words in Ami’s mouth and this is just my interpretation of what this clarity is. For those of you who know her, and want to know her better, you should talk to her about this and not take my word for it.]

I am very much in love with a woman who is very much in love with me and yet it we want different things around relationship/not-relationship. These differences have been talked about throughout the course of our “relationship” and were believed to be understood on one level, but it turns out there was not enough clarity to prevent the lines from blurring. People’s fears, dreams and mixed-messages can easily blur those lines if there is any room to budge.

For me, I find my self incredibly in love with this woman who, in many, many ways, is the woman of my dreams. At least, I find, when stripped of that part of her that is clear on what she wants. I began envisioning a life with her, partnership, family, continuous love and growth … something not needed now, but wanted later. I knew that this is not what she wanted right now, and she was even clear about not knowing what tomorrow brings and I filled in the gaps and made that vision a possibility. I am responsible for allowing myself to live more in my dream of the future than just being with her in the present. We are both responsible for mixed messages.

Ami does not want a relationship. I don’t think it is too fair of me to go into depth about what she does want, but I will say that she doesn’t want commitment, attachment, security, promises, etc. in her life right now, perhaps with the exception of with herself. She has a beautiful vision of love that is expansive, infinite and unconditional that includes me, but does not single any one person out.

Probably the most difficult thing to hear is that she doesn’t currently feel attracted to me and therefore even the thought of continuing to be lovers is not possible (and may never be). I have failed thus far to be able to step outside the emotion of hearing that and ask her more about it. And it’s apparent that I have only been putting more nails in that coffin in the way I am being around her lately.

I fucking hate the energy this all creates between us. Everything becomes dark, angry, pushed away, turned off. I continue to take part in this dynamic that creates the exact opposite of what it is I want ... closeness, intimacy, attraction, desire to be in each other's presence. The anger and bitterness aren't helping me at all. I am so trying to rise above all this inside me to see it all from an objective view. That will come, I'm sure, but for now I am in the thick of it and all I want is some tenderness and compassion. Some understanding. (more in the sidenote below about this)

In this past week, I seem to fail at communicating my true heart to her. I seem to be missing what she is offering me. And it’s killing me to know that we love each other and support each other and yet the situation doesn’t seem to be creating any space for compassion for the other person trying to understand. And perhaps it is just hard for me to see anger and compassion in the same container. Perhaps my avoidance of conflict blinds me from seeing where love and support are present in anger and distance.

It seems any lack of understanding is taken as intentional. And then anger and frustration arise from feeling like the other isn’t paying attention. I think she feels that I don't want to understand her. And what is true is that, though it may hurt, I love all of her and everything she is ... and I want to understand everything and am not always good about getting there. My own pain gets in the way and causes reactions that apparently show the opposite - that I am not listening or not caring about what she is offering me.

How do I relate that I am not making her responsible for what I am going through? She is the reason, yes, this is about me and her and “us”, but she is not responsible ... there is a difference. I don't blame her anymore than I blame myself for clarity that had room to blur due to mixed messages. I fault myself for getting too wrapped up in a fantasy.

My biggest challenge at the moment is being okay with myself. Not putting myself down for any mistakes I may have made in all this. Not blaming myself for not feeling good enough for her. Not believing that “If I had just done X differently …” - that is all very, very hard for me to do - to get away from my wound of not feeling good enough.

As I sink into this pain, I try and understand the source of it. What am I afraid of? What hurts so fucking much? Why does it feel like I have just lost a huge part of me?

There’s so much to it all. I do feel like I have just lost one of the most important people in my life. Have I really lost her? No. But I am having to let go of this dream I have had of this eventually becoming a partnership. I was clear on how she didn’t want that at all right now, and felt really open to being any particular way with her … yet, I held onto what I wanted for tomorrow instead of staying present in today.

I am afraid of all the closeness and greatness that we shared with one another being erased by these past three weeks. I am afraid of being thought of as unsafe. I am afraid of how others that she talks to will think of me based on her experience and interpretation.

I feel like a huge part of our experience right now is fear butting up against fear. I have spent the past few days calling myself out on some of my bullshit. Not fun. It is also pretty clear in my gut where her behavior is being generated by fear. This was actually confirmed a bit in a recent email she wrote to our leadership team.

I don’t really know where all this is going and what tomorrow brings. I guess that is the point with her. I have to let go of the feeling like I need to fix something. That comes from this place of feeling like this isn’t “the end”. The one thing in my gut that doesn’t feel confused by these emotions and stories is that there is more for us. I don’t want to be attached to that idea. It feels real and unencumbered by everything else – based on how it feels when we are together – and I am afraid of trusting that and being wrong … of learning that I can’t trust my gut feelings. I don’t know what that really means or what it looks like.

It seems really clear to me that there is nothing to “force”. I know that I came across that way with her on Saturday night and I see where that was coming from a place of fear … fear of distance, fear of her “going away”, fear of conflict.

The place where I step into a more powerful way of being is to trust myself, trust her, learn what I have to learn from all this, get clear on what I want, and continue to generate my love of myself, my self-worth, and to be willing to make these mistakes and still love myself.

The emotions are hard to deal with. I need to find some peace in that. I am only hoping that the feeling of rock bottom these past few days are truly rock bottom and that I can now begin to resurface. I finally slept more than 3 hours last night and I think that will help.

I know I miss the "togetherness" I felt with her - that sense of really loving each other, wanting each other, enjoying our time together ... I know I want that back. I don’t know if that is possible. I know I can’t do anything to try and create it right now. I have to let this sense of 'damage' pass.

So now … I have to figure out what it is I want. I can’t have a partnership with her nor any dreams of tomorrow. Can I be with her right here, right now with no promises, commitments, or exclusivity and stay really present to what’s real? Or is it better to let it go? What do I fear most? Are fears guiding my decisions? Is what I decide I want even available to me? If not, is there room to create space for that to bloom?

So that is where I am. Feeling extraordinary pain by my own worst demons, failing to see the strength others are reflecting I am showing, missing the hell out of the woman I love, anxious about how far I’ve fallen behind in my work, needing more sleep and food than I seem to be able to manage, feeling some hope for the lessons I am learning and how it will improve my life, getting glimpses of how it is all going to be ‘okay’ … taking it all moment-to-moment.


Side thoughts:
[I begin to wonder about the majority of my friendships being with women … is there something about women and their tendency for tenderness and compassion that I yearn for? I don’t feel like I had a lack of that from my mother as a child, so it doesn’t make sense to me that I am trying to make up for anything. I also don’t feel like I got too much of it as a child, so it also doesn’t feel like I am trying to continue to feed something. I do see a tendency to view my life through the lens of being a victim to something and it’s reasonable to think that I would want to be comforted around that. It’s hard not to make myself ‘wrong’ for feeling that way sometimes.]

[I am also tripping on a comment she made on Saturday night about feeling that I come much more from a feminine energy than masculine. When I have asked others about this in the past, I get mixed responses. Some men tell me that I am one of the more masculine men they know. What does that all really mean? What the hell difference does it make? I am inclined to think that the aspect of all this that may warrant the most attention is how I often don’t stand up for what I want. Is that a masculine/feminine trait? That ability comes more and more as I continue to develop this understanding of what I want and the belief that I am worth it to take up space and not pass over my own desires.]