man oh man!

So I've finally figured it out ... about a month behind schedule. And that's not to say that I've figured *everything* out. I'm still working on that - should be done in a week or so. No ... I've just figured *it* out.

What is *it*, you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but then again you don't have to b/c you're just reading this and I'll probably only answer the questions I pose anyway). So assuming you asked that question or don't mind being coerced into asking it ... I'll just get on with it.

Every year, on my birthday, I choose what I want to explore for the coming year. I don't do the whole "new years resolution" thing on January 1st, I do it on my birthday. That way I can claim that the whole New Year's thing is just a meaningless sham and my way is so much more important and meaningful. In reality, it's just the marker I choose.

Past years have included themes such as: finding my power & independence, spirituality, health, integrity, etc. And during the year I would simply focus on that theme and try and bring more of whatever I was looking for more into my life. Thus far, it's worked pretty well. I can say that at the end of each year, I can notice growth in whichever area I was working on. I'm not all scientific about it or anything (and trust me I can now talk to you about the merits of a good experimental design), but the results are in the eye of the beholder and I beholder some very keen eyes.

This year I couldn't figure out what I wanted to tackle. My first inclination was to make this a year of "no" ... meaning, not taking on too many things and feeling comfortable with saying "no" to requests of my time and energy when I really didn't want to do something. But that felt both a little negative and not worthy of a year's worth of intention. Besides, I now have the best trump card for any excuse I want to create ... it's called "Grad School".

Let me demonstrate:

You: Hey Jason, can you help me with "insert undesireable request here"
Me: Nope, sorry ... grad school.
You: Oh right, sorry to bother you! I won't let it happen again.
Me: No worries. Move it along now, though, you're in my light.

[NOTE: This conversation only applies to things that I don't want to do, like (a) help you lift many heavy things, (b) call your significant other back when they are pissed at you or (c) club baby seals. This does not apply if you are (a) an attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, (b) a rich attractive young woman who wants to go out with me, or (c) a rich older woman looking for someone to leave all her wealth to (some restrictions may apply). Some friends may also be exempt depending on what you've done for me lately.]

Back to the point: Last night, as I was sitting in my room, a little drunk from an improptu wine tasting test with my roommates, it came to me:

My 32nd year will be about exploring the "man" in me. (You know you've lived in San Francisco too long when ...).

What does that mean? I don't know. What I *do* know is that I'm 32 and most of the time I feel much younger. Now age is all relative, I get that, and I like feeling young a lot of the time. I look young (which I also don't always mind - most people think I am in my mid-twenties), but ... I don't know ... I feel like there's some area to grow into there.

I also get that people don't experience me as young or immature - I usually get that I am intelligent, wise, have my shit together, honest, have integrity, etc .... a lot of the qualities I would associate with being a man.

It's hard ... not knowing exactly what I'm looking for and perhaps at the end of the year, I'll discover that there was nothing to find or that I didn't want what I did find. Who knows?

I suppose I'll just have to keep you posted on what the hell I am talking about. I'm guessing there are elements in there tied to our favorite fun themes like: confidence ... power ... leadership ... assuredness ... direction ... capability ... these are all qualities I think I have, but want to a fuller degree.

You often want what it is you don't have. I'm an introvert wanting to be more extroverted. A well-balanced person looking for some chaos. In touch with my "feminine" side looking for a smack-down from my masculine side.

It's all pretty stupid when I think about it. In some ways, what does any of this matter? As I was telling Kendra this morning, I sometimes use death as motivator for perspective. During the times in my life when I am fretting about some personal quality or barrier, I think .. what would I do differently right now if I knew I was going to die tomorrow? And suddenly much better choices in how to spend my time occur. Whether I take those choices or not doesn't matter ... what does matter is the realization that I can choose to worry about this stuff or not.

In the end, it's just a challenge to better myself. It gives me something to feel good about and when I feel good about myself, I am better able to help others and to live a life worth writing about.

So this year will be about exploring what it is to be a "man" in the perspective that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd probably just go out sky-diving with a big piece of chocolate cake today instead.

The 32nd year is under way ... let's see what I can do with it.