love

It's been a long time internet. So much to say, so much to express.

I'm sitting in a plane high over the mountains in Utah/Colorado ... looking like we're on the approach to the Rockies. The mountains are dusted with snow that fades into fine powder over the valley floors. It looks like someone opened a big bag of flour and spilled it all over everything. I especially love how the light is hitting all the ravines reaching into the valley floor. I can't help but wonder what all the people do in the small towns below, nestled up against a mountain range or out in the desert plains. Everything looks so far apart compared to the endless masses of houses and people near larger cities.

I've been thinking how I have been wanting to find a mountain to climb and yell about the love I feel right now, and it occurs to me that being in this plane, flying high above all the mountains is a much better height to share my thoughts from ...

So world ... I'm in love. Truly, madly, deeply. Her name is Ami (that's pronounced: Ah-me .... NOT Amy!!) and I love her like no other. I find it particularly difficult to put words around these feelings as they seem to contain and restrict the true emotion. But ... I'll try. :)

When I am with her, I can't stop looking into her eyes. It's a place of peace, of wonder, of joy. She welcomes every piece of me and accepts it all. She is so amazingly beautiful and intelligent and keen and open and adorable and intuitive and sexy. Her laughter lightens my being, relaxes me, causes me to expand. Her life is so naturally aimed toward possibility and she inspires just about everyone she touches. She is one of those people that people are magnetically drawn to. Just today at the bank, when I was done with my transactions, I found her sitting up front in such a friendly and joyful conversation with the security guard. I love that about her. I love that she went out and found me a silly video game for my travels called Steer Madness where you are this cow who is on some kind of mission to get out of being made a hamburger, who shacks up with a Vegan woman and avoids getting hit by the Tofu truck. I love how patient she is with me. How well she takes care of others, how much she loves. Her heart is infinite. I love her dedication to making this world a better place. I love her passion for sharing her love with the world.

(Oh my god, the world below is so beautiful right now. Desert valleys erupting in cliffs striped with altering bands of light and dark layers with winding ravines and rivers meandering through the masses of rock and earth).

I get so lost in her eyes. The world just kind of fades away. It's such a new feeling for me. I was talking with Sarah last week about it and we talked about how each time you fall in love, it's a different experience. I feel so much more whole in this. Able to bring more of myself and be so much more accepting of myself and her. All of this identity work in my leadership training program has allowed me to see more of how I can love her wholeness and not certain aspects of her and how I can love her from my entire being as opposed to some piece of me that is looking to have some need met. This love feels so much bigger that all that and I find, because of that, I feel no urgency or that this needs to look any particular way. And though I am attached to having her around, there doesn't seem to be any feeling of that being an unhealthy clinging ... merely a desire to be with her when I can and how I can. There's a lot of freedom in that and that freedom expands my love.

And it is "us" that makes that possible ... and whatever it is about the combination of Ami and Jason that makes it possible is so precious.

And so I say it from 30,000 feet above the earth so my joy and expansiveness and love can reach as far as possible.

This one is for you Ami ... I love you and I am so excited to have you in my life ... to explore with, to laugh with, to trust, to love, to surrender to.

Thank you for all you have given me just by being you.

this is now a week or more old ...

holy crap - it's almost been a month since my last posting. (wait that sounds like the beginning of a confession ..)

forgive me internet, for I have sinned.
it's been a month since my last confession.

since last time i have:

finished my 3rd semester of grad school
started a year-long leadership intensive training program
continued to fall in love with this amazing woman i'll call: ami
decided to teach myself how to write left-handed out of sheer curiosity to see if and how it affects the way i think
eaten far too many cookies
been to the gym far less than planned
eaten and drank health concoctions made by a witch doctor (which doctor?)
dismantled my identities (ouch!)
and got an 'A' on an exam i didn't take*

*so, last week my class comes into take our final exam and before getting started, our professor (and my boss at my internship) starts talking to us about how much he has enjoyed the class and how we have impressed him more than any other in regards to the amount of effort we've put in and the quality of the work we've produced. he also explained that he has made every decision around the class in order to maximize our learning. then he said, "and, that being said, you've learned everything you are going to learn in this class, so there is really no point in giving you the exam since it will not teach you anything. so, i'm giving you all an 'A' on the exam and, unless you have any questions, you're free to go."

then the 11 of us picked our jaws up off the floor and took him out for a beer.

that's one of those dream situations that you always WANT to happen and think never in a million years would happen. well, i'm happy to say ... it did!


(and i never really finished writing this ... so there.

and with that ...

Tomorrow begins a year-long jouney for me. I've enrolled in a Leadership Intensive Training program put on by the Arete Center. Up until today, it's been sitting in the back of my mind somewhere as something I'm looking forward to, in the forefront of my mind as something that I anticipate allowing me to make some pretty subtle, yet dramatic shifts and wading through my subconscious as something else entirely.

I really have very little idea of what to expect other than this is probably (hopefully) some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life and some of the most rewarding. This isn't like other leadership training programs where you are taught the mechanics of being a good leader. This is about deconstructing and removing all the barriers that you have to being the leader you want to be. I want to be. How will that happen? I can't say. But I trust the leaders to provide the space for this all to happen - they do it regularly in the other workshops they lead.

The real work, though, is in what I bring. How I commit to working on trusting myself. How I don't back down in facing the fear and insecurities that are sure to come up.

The reward will be this: (and here is where i pause as the words that want to come are flowery and don't make any real sense and i want to just break it down into solid, honest, tangible facts) ... the reward will be that I have confidence in myself such that I make things happen that I don't currently think I am capable of (but somewhere deep inside, know I can do). The reward is, then, not holding back. The reward is learning how to support others completely. The reward is building this amazingly cohesive group of people. The reward is learning more about myself. The reward is letting go of some of the bullshit stories I carry around about myself. And, probably, the reward is giving me a much greater opportunity of getting or creating the jobs/work I want to do in the world.

It all sounds so appealing, doesn't it? It will be a very interesting and intense year. There's no way to know what tomorrow brings, there are no promises that anything will shift for me. But I have faith in this. I have faith that this opportunity will, at the very least, create the container for me to practice tearing away some of these ill-forged self-restraints. And we'll see.

You'll have to tell me what you see different about me in a year, if anything.

In other news ...

Yes, I'm still totally [insert word that means something like, heart feeling like it's bursting open sometimes and melting in others, and feeling light with joy and laughing to myself a lot and sighing with big grins on my face even more often] about this new person in my life. In this short time, not only am I just totally loving getting to know who she is, but am also learning a hell of a lot about myself. It's an effort to not write only about this, but I strive for balance and paying attention to ALL the OTHER wonderful things in my life these days.

I will forever be curious about whether these are wonderful things that are 'happening to me' or if they are wonderful things that i am somehow 'making happen'. It's probably some combination of both ... some combination of being in the right place at the right time and being there because of who i am and the choices i've made in my life. And I'm not really talking about the debate between 'free will' and 'fate', though that's a small piece of it.

Anyway, it's time to start getting ready for tomorrow and get some sleep. I have an early breakfast date (yea!) and then 2 full days of the beginning of some kind of wonderful. (great movie from the 80's by the way ... hot chick drummer, what more could you ask for? okay, besides hot chick in truck or on motorcycle or with welding gear ... )

and with that ...

arvo

Today i think i listened to "Cantus in memory of Benjamin Britten" at least 15 times. It's a piece composed by the Astonian composer Arvo Part (with the two little dots over the 'a'). It's on the CD 'Tabula Rasa' for those of you who want to listen. If you do, do it somewhere where you can just give yourself over to the music. No distractions or interruptions. Hear every nuance. Feel every chord. Every bell. Feel how it pulls you in and stretches you and spins you around like you are nothing but an ephemeral gas and then lays you to rest at the end.

I think it is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard. I want it played at my funeral.

I found this on the internet today which deconstructs the piece in a way that I never could, nor would want to. But I found it really enriched the experience for me ...

I don't know what it was about today and this piece, but it struck me. Perhaps it was the 3 hours of sleep, perhaps it was the intensity of emotion in my heart, perhaps it was just feeling cracked wide open and that's how you need to be to really get some music. Or maybe something else. I don't know. And it doesn't matter. Just my mind trying to make sense of things again ...

******
About Cantus (by Michael Attwood):

Cantus begins with three beats of silence. A significant fact which I will return to shortly. Then very very softly (pianississimo), and very slowly a bell is struck. Three times it rings out and dies away, and it continues to be rung almost all the way throughout the piece, mostly in groups of three, gradually getting louder. The other instruments, 1st and 2nd violins, viola, cello, and double bass enter one at a time. They are each playing the same melody - a simple descending A minor scale - but each is playing it progressively slower in the ratio 1:2:4:8:16, so that the double basses are playing at 1/16 of the speed of the 1st violins. This is an old form called a mensuration canon, which was popular in Renaissance music. The first violins start at the upper limit of their range, playing the first note, then repeatedly descending through the A minor scale, adding a note each time. The melody seems, at first tentatively, and them more confidently to probe downwards into the lower registers. Each instrument begins softly, but by stages increases until at the end they are all playing very very loud (fortississimo!). Each voice except the violas is split into two (and at times four) parts with one playing the A minor scale, and the other providing a sort of anchor by playing only notes from an A minor chord. This produces a sort of spiralling effect, with pulses of tension and release.

Each voice, then, is questing downwards, but it is not a blind search. Each is seeking a particular note which forms part of an A minor chord. The violins, having started first, are the first to reach their note, and having got there they simply play that note continuously until the end. As the other instruments find their pitch the effect is like the finishing of a jigsaw puzzle. At about the same time as the violas find their note, the bell lapses into silence. There is a definite, strong sense of completion when the double basses find the low A that completes the final chord, resolving the last dissonance. And so we reach a point where each of 6 voices (the cellos are still paired) playing at full volume, an A minor chord at a very low pitch, which continues for 30 beats. Then suddenly on the first beat of the last bar beat the bell is struck very softly, too low to be heard above the roar of the strings. [5] Simultaneously the strings stop, so that we hear the bell softly ringing and dying away into silence once more.

Cantus, as I said, begins and ends with silence. You might say that all music does this, but in Cantus it is in the score, it is programmed into the music and is integral to the structure of it. [6] I suggest that this silence, is like the blue sky at the beginning of a Buddhist visualisation practice. It is the pregnant void of shunyata. Three beats of silence also begin the 1st violin part. This becomes 6 beats for the 2nd violins, 12 for the violas, 24 for the cellos, and 48 for the double basses. In other words although we hear the instruments joining in progressively, they actually begin at the same moment! Silence in music is a great source of creative tension. For the performer it is a koan - how does one 'perform' silence?

The whole piece is built around the A natural minor scale, also known as the Aeolian Mode. Both the scale and the fundamental chord built from its notes have a characteristic melancholy to them. Music written in a minor key is almost inevitably sombre, sad, or even dark. If anything in music symbolises the bitter-sweetness of human existence, it is the minor chord. There is in it a sense of longing and of existential dissatisfaction. But this is not just any minor key, it is "A" minor which is the model for all minor scales and has ancient associations going back to the ancient Greeks, to Pythagoras and his music of the spheres. By choosing A minor Pärt is declaring his connection with archetypal musical modes which form the foundations of modern harmony.

As I mentioned each voice, each instrumental part, is twofold. This separation into two voices, one which sticks to the notes from the A minor triad, and the other which is free to wander over other pitches, has a definite intended symbolism. The latter "always signifies the subjective world, the daily egoistic life of sin and suffering, [the former] meanwhile, is the objective realm of forgiveness". [7] Pärt goes further:

"This can be likened to the eternal dualisms of body and spirit, earth and heaven; but the two voices are in reality one voice, a twofold single entity. This can be neatly and enigmatically represented by the following equation:

1 + 1 = 1 [8]

There are resonances here with Buddhist doctrines about the duality between samsara and nirvana, existence and non-existence, the conditioned and unconditioned, which are also not two.

Pärt's biographer suggests that "how we live depends on our relationship with death: how we make music depends on our relationship to silence". [9] It is death that sparks this piece. The characteristic Buddhist response to death is to search for the deathless. In the story of the four sights the Buddha-to-be goes forth into homelessness, into the unknown, in order to solve the problems of old age, sickness and death. In listening to Cantus, especially for the first time, we go into the unknown. The bell heralds death, it is the funeral bell and the initial response is instability. The first few bars seem to teeter on the edge of chaos, and we may be asking ourselves: "is this going to be one of those discordant, morbid, 'modern' works?". But soon things settle into a more recognisable pattern, and the entry of the lower voiced, slower moving instruments provides much needed stability. The quest has begun, each voice begins searching downwards, repeatedly pushing lower and lower, seeking something. The result is a sonorous tapestry, swirling with colour and unexpected conjunctions of tension and relaxation, which result not from the whim of the composer, but come from the structure of the canon itself.

And then one by one each voice finds the pitch it has been seeking, sustains it until the end, which is more than 250 beats in the case of the 1st violins. The spiritual life is like this. We search around looking for answers to the big questions. Then when we find the Dharma, we don't get answers, but we get practices which can take us to a place where the questions are transcended. Once we have the practices it's just a matter of sawing away until we reach the goal. We do this on an ever deeper level until at last the light of Bodhi dawns, and we are transformed in the deepest level of our being. As the double basses finally hit their note there is a palpable sense of relief, of relaxation combined with energy.

And then suddenly the music stops - or almost. In this moment there is a sense of spiritual death. As Bodhi dawns we die to our old self, our old self-centeredness. But with spiritual death there is spiritual renewal, and even though we don't hear the striking of the bell, it is struck, and rings on after the reverberations of the strings have died away. This last bell is the opening of the door to the deathless, or perhaps more prosaically it is the opening of the imagination to the possibility of the deathless. At this point there is little more to be said, since Nirvana is ineffable. And so we return to silence, once again written into the score. But this is not the silence of the absence of sound. It is the silence that is sound, and the sound is silence.

Pärt's music is recognisably religious since so many of his works are settings of religious texts. In the case of Cantus it is not just religious, it is spiritual. Cantus bares similarities to Buddhist visualisation practices, and since it is a re-enactment of the spiritual path it could also said to be puja. Cantus is not only profoundly beautiful, it is beautifully profound. It uses very simple elements to create a rich and complex whole, and seems to entirely fulfil Sangharakshita's criteria that art should communicate a sense of values that can transform our lives. [10]

more

"i just can't stop looking at you ... no, into you" i said
"yeah" she said

"what is this?" she said
"you got me" i said
"yeah" she said, "you got me"

i can't clearly recall a time when i felt so many complimentary and conflicting emotions all at the same time, all so intensely. she was here last night, the first time we saw each other since last week and we had everything and nothing to say to one another ... the only place to be was gazing into each other's eyes and feeling everything that we were feeling. the word transfixed comes to mind. (and yet, without the pointed weapon ... or maybe ...)

my virgo mind wrestles to figure it all out. the rest of me doesn't fucking care ... just wants to be in it. simultaneously feeling like i can be every bit me with her and noticing all the places i hold back and the patterns i follow. years upon years of essentially practicing to be me, trying to make me perfect -- it's all useless, it's all a mask. and so i deconstruct those as i notice them and share and feel so accepted.

this is all new territory. the feelings seem familiar and yet they are brand new. the desire to hold on is strong and yet both the circumstances and the idea of being one without 'attachments' call me away. back and forth, back and forth. Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down.

interesting ... i just got very self conscious about writing this in my blog. it all seems so private, so intimate. who am i writing this for? for me? for her? for you? i suppose i'd like to think that it's just a continuation of the original intention of this blog - for expression ... and i finally have something that feels worth writing about again. something important in my life outside of school and work.

hmmmm ... that makes it sound like i don't have other important things in my life. that is so not true. it seems like everything in my life is important ... my mens group, my friendships, my commitment to taking care of my physical health, my music, my photography, my massage, my community, my connection to nature ... and on and on ... but this is what is grabbing the most attention for me right now, the intensity is amazing. i could gush.

i am resigned to accepting what is. to being fully expressed. to feeling it all. and to being unapologetic.

each one of those is at once an enormous undertaking and at the same time, the most easy way of being.

and with her, in the moment, nothing matters. there is nothing else. hours pass in a blink. a single blink lasts an hour.

what i don't know is 'what's next'
what i do know is 'more'

and that makes me very happy

random thoughts to keep me writing

i found out yesterday that the business proposal that my partner and i have been working on for the past 3-4 weeks was one of the top two of the class. this is a blessing and a curse. on the one hand, yea us! on the other hand, now we have to go head-to-head with the other consulting team and present our proposals to the mock executives of the company we are planning to help.

i have no issues with the presentation. i was told today by one of my professors that she is quite impressed with my presentation skills and sees me doing very well as a consultant. no, this just means that i have yet another project to work on. not a huge deal, and i'll enjoy it, for the most part. i'm just feeling a little burnt out on school work at the moment. looking forward to winter break when i can see my friends again! (I miss you!)

all in all, it feels pretty damn good to have been chosen as one of the top two. i'd rather be here than have no presentation to do because we wrote a 'bad' proposal.

***
this morning was one of the most beautiful mornings i've seen in awhile. i'm sure i've mentioned before that i love the view of bernal hill from my street. now that the rain has come again and washed the pollution out of the air, when the sun shines, all of the lines on the horizon and in between are so crisp and clear. the light this morning made everything look new. and the hill outside my window is starting to turn green again. it's interesting how winter in san francisco means 'life' in many ways.

***
hmmm ... i seem to choose to write in this blog when i am prone to being too tired to write - like now. i'm going to go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow. try and get some meditation and/or a little yoga in to start my day. it's always a good way to take care of myself. i'm feeling healthy and strong lately (in all regards) and i want to keep it that way.

oooh, that last yawn indicates a good, deep sleep coming on!!

life is good

i should be doing homework ...

this past weekend has been one of the most enjoyable in recent memory. about a week ago, someone asked me what i wanted. in general. what was my fantasy? amidst an ocean of possibility, what came to mind was simple and yet so elusive. my response was "mutual desire".

this weekend, the fantasy came true. i spent time with a woman with whom i have this great desire to know. she is so complex and yet so simple. she has lived the lives of many women her age and celebrates both the seriousness of life as well as the ridiculous. and i feel very at peace when i am with her. what i found, is that she has a mutual desire to know me. it was so easy to be with her. we literally talked for 14 hours straight amidst our adventures. and it feels like just the very beginning of a long conversation.

i can't tell you how good that feels. it seems all too rare that i find that magnetic pull with someone.

my tendency in occurrences such as this, is to leap ahead into thinking about what this connection means and where it is going, etc. in this case, however, though thoughts and questions do meander in my head, the immediate path is more clear cut than other times. there are limitations as to what our friendship can become at the moment and I am fine with that. she is taking some time to be 'not in relationships' and i respect that. i've been there and know how rewarding and important that is. and i can't say that i would be jumping to rush into anything if it were possible. no, it's all about savoring connection like this.

it may last a day, it may last a week, it may last a lifetime. i have a few friends in my life that are still with me through many incarnations of our relationships. you never really know what will become of any one. as for this new connection, who knows? i am not so in need of a label for it at the moment as long as i get to enjoy it.

my life is rich in so many ways and i feel like it just got a lot richer. i guess you never know when you'll stumble across treasure.

to top all this off, i got to spend sunday playing drums for a record my friend is making.
record? do you still say that? album? cd?

if there's one thing i love, it's playing drums.
if there's one thing i love more, it's playing drums with a band.
if there's one thing i love EVEN more, it's playing MY drums when they are mic'ed in the studio.
my god they sound great.

it's a little bit of a bummer to realize how out of practice i am. my body just wouldn't always perform what the mind and soul were asking of it. good thing this project called for some relatively simple drumming!!

and in other news ... just another indication of how good life is lately ... my community gave me a new iPod a couple weeks ago for being the treasurer for the past 3 years. what a gift! it feels awesome to be recognized for that work. it tends to be one of those 'behind-the-scenes' jobs and i'm guessing people have no idea how much time goes into it .. so this gift and recognition were very touching. the iPod hasn't left my side since! my commutes are so much better now!

so, all around good news right now. which i am thankful for given that school is getting pretty hectic, it gets dark at 5pm and the rain has come back. these are all so easy to deal with when the rest of life is so rewarding.

conversations with no one

Last week while I was walking to school I noticed that there were a bunch of people spread across the green canvassing for various environmental or political groups.

For all I know the work they are doing is important, and I do so dislike talking to them and saying 'no' all the time. I mean, they are soliciting students for money ... since when do students have spare income to donate to important causes? I don't even make enough to cover my rent! It just seems like their time could be more effective in different parts of the city. But what do I know - maybe they keep coming back because they are getting results.

Anyway, to deal with this situation, I started taking out my cell phone and pretending I am having a conversation so they don't try to stop me and lay on the guilt.

Lately, however, I've noticed that I carry on these fake conversations much longer than necessary. On this particular day last week, I noticed that I was still having an argument with *no one* for several minutes past the point that I was clear of all the canvassers. I think, sometimes, I am losing my mind. :)

It reminded me that I did that a lot when I was traveling alone for 6 months - have conversations with myself outloud while walking around. That, or I'd make up songs as I strolled around Paris or climbed an Alp.

I don't know what any of that has to do with anything ... I just find myself amusing sometimes and thought I would share.

giant pink bunny!

i don't know about you, but i think the world has just become a much better place.

the italians knew what to do.
indeed.

they made, for the world's pleasure,
a GIANT PINK BUNNY!

see for yourself

i may just have to make a pilgrimage next year and every year thereafter.

asshole

so i hear, on good authority, that i'm an asshole.
i've always wanted to be an asshole!

i wish i knew what i did to achieve such a prestigious title.
i'd probably do it more in some situations!

i found out this weekend that a certain person's parents are glad we're not seeing each other anymore because they think i was an asshole.

me?

an asshole?

now, just not liking me is one thing. hell, even considering me a low-life loser would work. but an asshole?
i'm a lot of things, but i'm not an asshole.

and because i'm not an asshole, i find the whole thing highly amusing.

the funniest part is that this person's father was unknowingly telling all this to another one of my exes. who, i am quite honored to say, stood up for me.
whoops!

the other thing i did this weekend was to go to the most fun wedding i've ever been to. it just so happened to be the wedding of my most recent ex. i had been feeling in a funk for a few days leading up to the wedding and began wondering if there were some deep emotional issues bubbling underneath the surface of my skin. there was even a moment on bart last friday where i was worried that some uncontrollable something would come out of me during the ceremony .. something really embarrassing and wrong.

no such luck.

i mean! nothing like that happened. seriously, though, i felt nothing but immense joy for the two of them. it's just so obvious they should be together. how could anyone argue with that? people kept coming up to me all during the reception saying it was 'big' of me to be there and that they were impressed. but i guess that those sentiments are assuming like there is something being hidden and/or overcome to be there .. which was not the case. i wanted to be there. i liked being there to celebrate them. there's nothing 'big' about that. and besides ... free booze!

i've decided i'm going to be jewish for my next wedding. what a party ... complete with sexual innuendo, mexican wrestling and ambulances! (this was not a sequence of events)

there's plenty of other things going on right now that i'm not going to tell you about. partially because i need to get back to work and partially because it's mine for right now.

i'm an asshole like that.

Ship's Ahoy!

So there are evidently lots of boats under all the buildings in downtown SF.
According to this article, the N-Judah passes through the hull of a ship at the base of Market at Embarcadero.

A construction crew recently dug up this

Argh. Shiver me timbers!

Freaky

SuperMouse!

I have an elevator

Last night I had the opportunity to say something that I had been wanting to say for ... 2 years.

There's this woman I've worked with for the past two years that I have had a crush on since day one. It was always something that had to be kept secret because:

(a) I worked with her for one year as a colleague and for the past year, worked for her - as in, she was my boss, and,

(b) because she has been in a serious relationship and I knew that revealing my crush wouldn't change any of that - so it was better to be respectful of the work situation and keep it under wraps until a time when those constraints weren't in place anymore.

That time came last night.

It's been a couple of weeks since I left work and she and I had plans to go to dinner to catch up outside the work environment ... something we've been known to do from time to time.

I nearly chickened out.

You know how when you have a crush on someone, it's really difficult to speak coherently around them? This was my experience in many of my interactions with her - especially in our 1:1 meetings at work where I'm supposed to be generating thoughts and plans, but instead would get lost in watching her mouth form words and then have to bumble through some response to her question that I only partially heard.

It was getting about time for the check to come and there was this very distinct pause in the conversation. In those few moments, the clatter in my head erupted ... do I tell her now? am I really going to do this? what if she really doesn't want to hear it? is this really necessary?

You see, like millions of people, I suffer from "Can't Think, Pretty Girl" syndrome. The symptoms are 'saying stupid things', 'forgetting to say anything at all', 'tripping', and other character building activities.

But, I remembered some advice some guys gave me not long ago ... "you probably shouldn't drink that" ... which had nothing to do with the situation. And so in leiu of any useful information in my head, I decided to just tell her and see what happens.

In that split second, I smiled and relaxed and just told her what I had waited to say for a long, long time.

She smiled ... and giggled ... and blushed ... and got a little flustered.

It was endearing.

I tend to shy away from complimenting women I find attractive. It's this whole dumb issue I have and am trying to get over. I won't bore you with the 'why I think I developed this aversion' story. Suffice it to say that it just felt really good to compliment her and adore her with no other intention than expressing those feelings and sharing them with her.

It's also reminded me that crushes are fun. Especially when you are able to tell the other person about it. I can't say I have any shortage of crushes right now, but I think I'll go out and get some more. They are relatively easy to manage, not very time consuming, make you feel good and there's no messy break-up when you are done!

Of course, I would choose to move past the crush with this woman and into dating in a second, but since that isn't possible, I'll just stick with the crush.

I do have to say, though, the word crush is an odd word to associate with those feelings. I don't feel crushed at all. It's more like being elevated. But you can't say, "I have an elevator on you". That just sounds weird.

The dragonfly

This past week was spent hanging out at Bruinslair. God I love that place. The mornings were spent helping Bill and Pat build a new wing of the outdoor kitchen. I sometimes forget how much I love manual labor (of the construction variety) - especially when it is outdoors.

The afternoons were spent reading, sitting on the new tree deck in meditation or daydreaming, swimming, hiking, picking blackberries and napping. The evenings consisted of saunas, night swims, campfires and just sitting outside under a big, clear sky watching the moon rise and travel across the night sky.

There are, of course, many many bugs in the outdoors. Many of which I actually like. The dragonfly's are out of control right now - they are everywhere and I could watch them for hours as I lay on my back on a floating recliner in the pond.

One day, when I was working on stripping the bark off some logs, I pulled my car up to have some music while I worked. Not long after hitting 'play' on a Medeski, Martin and Wood CD, this huge dragonfly came flying up to my car. It hung out in the window for a little while and then started flying around my car, stopping to hover in different windows. At first I thought it was just a coincidence. But, the dragonfly just stayed there, not leaving the car. I decided to see what would happen if I turned the music off ... after a minute or so, he (she?) flew away. When I started the music up again, he flew back and stayed until I finally parked my car again and turned off the music.

Who knew? Some Dragonfly's like jazz.

Hmh.

This weekend I am going to make Blackberry pie. Yes, you heard me: muther-fuckin' BLACK BERRY PIE! Whoh-Nelly! Am I going to be in pie-heaven. I brought back two huge containers of hand-picked blackberries from the 'lair. And the blackberry season has barely started. It might almost be worth driving up there again in two weeks just to get some more. Of course, picking blackberries is a very dangerous activity and I have the thorn holes and scrapes to prove it. Still ... a little pain for some home-made blackberry pie is worth it. Maybe I'll make the second one with peaches and blackberries!

Pie anyone?

So long WFN

Today is my last day at the Women's Funding Network. I've been here two and a half years and I'm both glad to be leaving and a little sad too. I realized today how great the people I work with are - innovative, creative, intellegent, dedicated, fun, young-at-heart. This is not to say that I haven't been so frustrated at times that I nearly walked out and never came back … but as I said in my farewell email … understanding the scope of what this organization has done for women and girls' philanthropy has made it all worth it. The work that is done here is truly remarkable.

My co-workers (14 women) often wonder how I have made it for so long as the only guy. I never really thought about it all that much. The only side affect that I can see is getting lured into conversations about Hollywood gossip. I don't really care if Brad had an affair with Angelina. All I care about is if I lost my chance with Angelina!

So will I miss it? Yes and No. I look forward to a new job with new challenges. I was feeling pretty stagnant here. There were some projects I loved working on and some that were difficult to put all of my ability into. I do feel, however, that I gave more than what was asked of me on a regular enough basis to compensate for those days where it was difficult to care.

I will miss the people here. It has become a fun place to work lately with laughter, open conversations and practical jokes and I will miss all of that. I think it's probably rare to find a place where you feel happy going to sit and talk with just about anyone in the office.

since people have been bugging me about writing ...

I've spent the last five days up in Willits, California with my community. We have an annual 2-day celebration there and it has come to be one of my favorite events of the year. This year was terribly hot and buggy, but the friends, music, food and lounging made up for the uncomfortable conditions. Of course, the high temperatures led to very warm nights, so I can't complain there.

Aside from the many funny things that happened that would be pointless to write about here b/c they all seem to be one of those "you had to be there" moments, I had a great weekend. I tend to have a difficult time at large events as I struggle with the ability to stay focused on any one thing when there is so much to do and so many people to connect with - it generally results in me not connecting with anyone and feeling like I don't know where to be. And then this brings up a smattering of insecurities as I watch others connect and then I feel out of place. These feelings certainly came up a bunch this weekend, but I also became aware of how I close myself off from others when in large groups.

On Saturday night, I was having a conversation with a couple guys and I could literally feel these walls I had up around them ... how I was there talking with them, but not giving much of myself. It's interesting to me how I can be very open and reveal information about myself that would not be considered "surface" stuff, and at the same time be very closed. So much of this same thing came up in my Arete workshop last year - my pattern of social caution.

The re-revelation on Saturday night caused me to drop an octave on Sunday. I felt more relaxed, more open, more ready to connect with people. This was probably partly due to exhaustion - I tend to be more open when I don't have the energy to put up walls, but it was also because I was able to recognize what I had been doing and to make a conscious choice not to engage in that behavior.

In other news: I got a job offer for my internship yesterday at 3D-Group in Berkeley. I think it will be a good position and it's certainly nice to not have to worry about finding an internship anymore. I'll be working mostly on 360-degree evaluations and training assessments. The firm also does some executive coaching, so I'm glad to be working somewhere where I can have some exposure to that field. I'm not thrilled about having my first commute-across-the-bridge job, but it could be worse.

I am still "without thesis" and am leaning heavily towards taking the comprehensive exam option that my program offers. It's about the same amount of work as the thesis, but (a) I'd actually graduate on time (which is rare if you do a thesis) and (b) I'd have a much wider scope of knowledge when I was done. Since I have already done most of the thesis process and I don't have any good ideas at the moment for a new project, the exam is looking pretty good (as good as an 8 hour exam can look!) ugh.

To help prepare myself for this next year, I'm going on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat in the beginning of August. It's going to be so very hard and yet very rewarding (i hope). I've never meditated for more than an hour or so and have only meditated a few handfuls of times in my life ... so it's kinda like sink or swim. It just kinda fits in with the challenges I tend to face myself with every couple of years (6 month solo travels, running marathons, etc.) I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it when I return ... or possibly not.

'til next time ...

Black & White

What do the Violent Femmes, the Village People and Minne Driver all have in common?

They were all performing at last night's Black and White Ball in San Francisco. Before last night, I was a B&W virgin and now I feel like I am a real man. I didn't intend to go, but a great friend with good connections said, "Hey, I can get you a free ticket ... do you want to go?" How can you say no?

It all began innocently enough. We met in the press room at the Symphony to begin drinking and gathering. At 9pm we went out into the Civic Center which was blocked off to non-ticket holders and immersed ourselves in the swarms of people dressed to kill. Though the theme was "black and white" - anything goes - the majority of people were dressed in expensive formal-wear (tuxes and suits, dresses and gowns) and came off as if the $200 or so cost of the ticket was insignificant pocket change. Of course, there were also the younger, hipper crowd in more daring and stylish apparel, including my posse all mixed in.

With an abundance of free drinks, food and Krispy Kreme donuts, most of the night is somewhat of a blur. The Violent Femmes were definitely a high point of the evening - still able to rock regardless of receding hairlines and formal-wear. We became "those people" for awhile and pushed our way to the front row, stepping on toes, nudging and prodding so we could get the best view - but this is all acceptable when led by a few beautiful women. It's quite a scene to see hordes of people of all ages dressed in tuxes pseudo-moshing. It was well worth my price of admission.

Later we found the Charlie Hunter Trio in the Asian Art Museum and munched on some Sushi and drank Saketinis (a sake version of a Martini). That was followed by the latter part of the Village People act - all culminating in a drunken rendition of YMCA. Watching these guys on stage made me wonder how on earth they ever got gigs outside of gay-friendly towns. I had no idea as a kid that they were anything but a bunch of guys who dressed up in all the costumes of the people I wanted to be when I grew up ... a cop, a construction worker, a biker ... an indian? But now that I am older, it is clear they are the poster boys of gay pride. I wonder who are tops and who are bottoms?

What made the night for me, however, was a woman I'll call 'C'. She was a friend of a friend with whom I totally hit it off. We flirted shamelessly all night and made each other laugh non-stop. The kicker is ... she's in a relationship. Of course, I didn't find this out until halfway through the night after others were saying how good we looked together. Nevertheless, that information didn't sour the evening and certainly didn't end the flirting. In fact, I think flirting becomes a little more fun when you know the parameters of what is possible. And it's new for me to be able to be expressive about how much I like a woman without feeling guilty about it or like it's wrong to feel that way. I'll admit, though, that it would be better if she wasn't in a relationship - better for me at least! She did say if I was able to get her 2 hats that said 'security', she would seriously consider dumping her boyfriend. Alas ... I only found one.

At the end of the ball we went to some other party in the Mission that one of the group had been invited to. A totally different crowd playing a mix of 80's pop to AC/DC, Guns-n-Roses and everything in between. We met the San Francisco clone of Jack Black who managed to pick up every woman in the room (literally) and spin her about and toss her around. Some loved it, some didn't ... but it was awesomely funny nonetheless ... walking that fine line between outrageous and dangerous.

At around 3:30 it was time to call it quits and go home. I woke up this morning totally appreciating my friends, this city and the freedom Summer brings.

i am, therefore i blog

now that school is over and i've had a week or so to recuperate, i believe i may get back on the blogwagon. hell, i may even have interesting things to write about once and awhile!

i just got back from 4 days in the woods. i went up to bruinslair (160 acres of land owned by a friend's uncle that i have been enjoying and helping develop for the past five years) for their new membership orientation weekend. this year bruinslair became an environmental education non-profit called the Oregon Creek Advocacy. over the next 10 years, this environmentally caring group of people are going to cause some major changes to how things are run in this part of the Sierras. it's very exciting and i'm really proud of all the work everyone has put into making this happen. check it out if you ever get the chance.

one of the major initiatives will be to stop the inhumane bear hunting that goes on. if you can call it bear hunting. for three months out of the year, truckloads of beer-swilling hillbillies sit in their trucks while their dogs, equipped with radio collars, run through the forest tracking down bears and chasing them up trees. when the dogs start barking, the "hunters" follow the radio signal until they find the bear trapped in the tree and shoot it down. what fun! what adventure! what a bunch of lazy, cowardly pud-wankers.

in other news, i slept better than i have in weeks and somehow managed to sleep past 6:30am three days in a row! the weekend was filled with the perfect amount of resting, hiking, working and catching up with old and new friends. oh, and bacon. plenty of bacon. mmmmmmmmm.

it's going to be a busy summer. on top of having to choose and research a new thesis topic, i will be away most weekends through the end of July for various events, camping trips, workshops, etc. it's so nice to have a break from classes and regular homework for awhile.

i am proud to share that all of my hard work this year paid off. much to my surprise, i maintained my 4.0 average this semester. i thought for sure i was going to get a "B" in one or two of my classes, but somehow i pulled off all "A"s. it feels good to have something to show for all the time i put in. not that grades really matter in grad school, but they matter to me. i was a decent student in undergrad, so i really wanted to prove to myself that i could pull off a 4.0 average if i put my mind to it.

now i just have to figure out if i really want to do the work that this degree will prepare me for. but that's for another day.

right now, i'm going back to dreaming about bacon ... i wonder if bacon pie would be hard to make ....

the force

So, in true procrastinating style, I surfed around last night and ended up at one of my old favorite websites: How Stuff Works.

In honor of the upcoming Star Wars release, they did us the favor of telling us all about how Lightsabers work, including alternative uses such as: heating up your coffee, slicing bagels and hedge trimming!

But don't take my word for it, check it out!

not without rewards

Where does the time go?

It's been a turvy couple of weeks with some good and more not so good. I struggle to keep my head up sometimes and this past week has been a major challenge of my resolve and focus.

Probably the thing I am having the hardest time with is this pain that developed in my right arm on Saturday night, seemingly out of the blue (but probably associated with a workout session at the gym several days earlier). For the past several days, I haven't been able to straighten my arm without a sharp, burning pain that starts at my wrist and zips up the inner length of my forearm. Fortunately, it only happens when I straighten my arm, but the pain isn't the issue. Pain I can deal with. Not knowing exactly what is going on or why part of my arm is numb is what is tampering with my well-being.

Parts of the day, I am fine and convinced that it will go away in a week or so. Part of the day I am convinced that somehow I have permanently damaged my nerve and will loose normal arm functioning over time. It really sucks being a hypochondraic. And it's such a struggle to stay positive about the unknown. I've been to see my chiropractor twice (who helps with my RSI) and he seems to think that it will be fine, yet I still struggle with not knowing exactly how to take care of it for optimal healing.

Anyway ... all that, added to the unusual amount of end-of-the-semester stress and WAY too much to do has left me in quite a funk. Being in a funk does not help one stay focused and get one's shit done.

Today is about that. (Besides this brief break in work). Trying to get focused, think positive about my recovery and get things done well and on time.

What I find interesting is the things I think of to motivate me out of depression - the people who inspire me, the people in far worse conditions than I, the relative unimportance of everything that I have to get done.

It's about stepping outside myself and getting out of the entrapment of my mind ... seeing the big picture and what really matters.

I took last night off. Probably the second time I haven't done any school work all semester. It felt good.

Just so this isn't all depressing, I should talk about the good things that have been happening lately. Recently, I got in touch with a bunch of friends from highschool. Really, this was *the* posse of friends from highschool. There were about 7-10 of us who all spent a lot of time together at the end of school and over the summers. These are the people who corrupted me, taught me how to see life in a different way. These were the people I made music with (and I can't tell you how much I miss those days!). Many of them I have not had contact with for over 8-9 years. Some have been more recent, but it's still been awhile. It's awesome to hear what everyone is up to and reengage. I'm trying to set up a reunion for a year from now or so. Sure, it would be all sappy and nostalgic like one of those stupid reunion movies and we'd spend half the time saying, "Oh my god, do you remember when ..." and "I can't believe how much you've changed" and "I think we need a new caaaaan".

So life is feeling pretty challenging at the moment, but it is not without it's rewards. I will certainly appreciate being on the other side of all this work and fear, waiting for whatever comes next.

Tools

This morning, as I was standing at the end of the X-ray machine at LAX with my pants falling down waiting to retrieve my shoes and belt, the airport security guy asked if he could inspect my bag. "Of course," I say.

"What's this?"

"That's a drum key"

"What's it do?"

"It's a tool for tightening drum heads"

"And I know this is an allen wrench"

"Yup"

"You can't bring that on the plane"

"Why?"

"Because there are no tools allowed on the plane"

"Can I bring the drum key?"

"Yes"

"Well, that's a tool ... what's the difference?"

(pause)

"Sir, you can't bring the allen wrench on the plane. Would you like to check it?"

"That's ridiculous"

"If you'd like to check your bag, you can keep the tool"

"I don't want to check my bag"

"Well, if you want to keep the tool, you have to check your bag"

"That tool was in my bag when I flew down here"

"Well, they must have missed it"

"... whatever ... Have you ever flown on a plane?"

"Yes, why?"

"How is that possible?"

"Sir?"

"Well, because you're a tool"


...


Actually, what I said was, "Nothing, keep the tool," but they got the picture.

Airport security has become ludicrous. I can show you 10 ways a ball point pen is more dangerous than an Allen wrench. And did you know that you can bring ammunition on the plane in your bag, but not a brand new zippo lighter that has never been filled with lighter fluid? Surely, there's a better way we can be spending our money than to make sure allen wrenches don't make it onto our airlines. I give up.

Might I also suggest not timing your return to the Oakland Airport Bart station right when several thousand Oakland A's fans are getting out of the colliseum.

Do I sound bitter?

No, just tired. I actually had a great time at the SIOP Conference, but I'll have to write about that later. It was nice to be immersed in my field for a few days and still have time to hang out with friends. I'll update you soon on what I've been learning about my career path and all the other fun things I did in LA. Now I have to get back to the reality known as homework ... which isn't so bad seen from the perspective of where it will take me.

drumroll please ....

What's this? Blogging on a Friday night? I must be grad student.

I'm thinking about posting this in the local paper:
Lost: One social life. Last seen in the SF Bay area cavorting around with friends ... laughing, drinking, getting involved in three too many things at once. Generally well liked and well mannered. Answers to the name "hotstuff". If found, please cuddle and tell him it'll all be okay one of these days. Return to me by June 2006.

I've been all out of sorts lately with this mysterious cold. It was symptomless for the first 4 days - I only felt this eerie fatigue and spacy-ness. The last two days my energy has returned some, but I have this faint sore throat. It's like I have a ghost of a cold. I really hope it goes away soon. Anyone know an exorcist? Does Nyquil make a rememedy for curing the undead?

I haven't been writing in here much mostly because I don't have much to say ... unless you want to hear about goal setting, goal commitment, self regulation of goal setting, the benefits of writing or motivation (among other things). It seems to be one of those things that is interesting to many, but not really a hot conversation piece.

Oh ... I can tell you that I'm in love. She's beautiful. A black goddess. Yes, that's right ... I received my new Nikon D70 DSLR last week. I love love love this camera. I must thank the US government for somehow giving me 4 times the tax return I expected and, of course, if you receive money that you didn't know you were getting you have to spend it, right? Right!

I'm still trying to sell my bitchin' Nikon FM2 35mm camera to help defray the costs - so if you know anyone who's in the market, send them my way. I just can't justify owning 3 cameras, so one has got to go. But not my D70 ... no ... she's my precioussssssssss. Yes, precioussssssssss.

Is such a great love for an inanimate object wrong? I think not.

So that's it. That is all I have to say tonight. Rather boring I suppose. I was hoping my 100th blog post would be more ... well ... monumental. But no. No major milestones here. Perhaps I'll celebrate my 101st blog post instead! Yeah! I'll even take pictures with my new camera and post them. Pictures of ... pictures of ... my homework!

Sigh.

Changes

I'm feeling the need for some change in my life. Over the past week or so, I've really been digging deep into some areas of my life that just aren't working for me.

I've been feeling very negative, closed, impatient, and uptight. I've gotten feedback that this is also how I am being received by some people. It hurts. It hurts to think that people experience me as being judgemental and difficult to approach. It frustrates me to see how, when I am trying to get something done, I completely ignore the people I interact with in order to accomplish my task. It's even a fallacy to say "interact" because that's not what I am doing.

It's been a hard week ... looking at this stuff and not really knowing what to do about it and fearing that I won't be able to lighten up and open up. I know in my heart that that is not true, but, well, you think these things anyway, don't you?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm tired of people saying that they don't really feel me and that they sometimes feel uncomfortable around me. That all changes when I let people in, but for some reason that seems to be a challenge.

I'm sure this is all sounding a little blown out of proportion and I don't intend it to be. I know that this is definitely an aspect of how people sometimes experience me, but not all always and it's not the only way. It's just what's up for me right now.

Maybe the intensity with which I feel it is a bi-product of being so isolated while in school and so task and goal-oriented all the time with homework deadlines on a daily basis. Who knows. It's certainly nothing new ... it's just time to pay attention to it.

So ... I'm curious ... how do you experience me? Feel free to be honest, I want nothing less Write a comment, or send me an email if you prefer. Reflection is good.

random notes

We have a cat in our house now - her name is Newt and she belongs to Robin. Newt is a good cat all around, though she has her moments.

I only bring it up because I've noticed something funny about her which is true for other cats I've lived with. If you pick her up when she is good and/or wants attention, she'll just walk off when you put her down ... or linger for more attention.

If you pick her up with the same gentleness, yet when she has done something wrong, when you put her down she stops to lick her body as if to say, "how dare you touch me, heathen, your vile touch has soiled me"!

cats.

and why is it that all they want to do is go exactly where you don't want them to and mess with the only thing that is fragile?

this is why i like dogs. dogs are not pretentious .... dumb, maybe, but not pretentious.

***
On another note, class was cancelled today and tomorrow because our professor's wife went into premature labor. Everyone is doing fine.

He just sent us pictures of the baby. That's just cool. I don't think I've ever had a teacher who was like, "I just wanted everyone to see my new baby - here are some photos post-birth".

That's the difference between grad school and all other school. Your teachers are your friends and colleagues. I like it.

holding back

i've been told again and again over the past several years that people experience me as if I am holding back. like there is something that they can feel within me that I am not sharing.

i'll admit that i am certainly reserved in some ways, mostly out of a sense of caution i tend to manage my life with. the 'holding back' piece is hard for me to grasp, however.

it's both honoring and disheartening to hear this type of feedback because it speaks to something that is unknown to me. i am not conscious of holding back in the way people express that i am, so i'm not sure what is left to give. and yet, it feels great to have people reflect that they feel a depth in me that is somewhat unknown and mysterious to them. i used to doubt people when they said this about me and now i have to trust that people genuinely experience something held back when they spend time with me.

i don't know what it is. zen says it's my passion that is undisclosed. i can see that. i can see that i spend more time living a practical life than one with abandon and passion. not that those concepts are mutually exclusive, but in my literal and linear mind, they are separate.

for me, it's hard work to get out of my head. it's how i want to live more of my life - balanced between my mind and my body. and yet, though i see immense value in living this way, i resist more meditative time, the practice of slowing down and not living moment to moment in such a goal-oriented manner (interesting that my master's thesis is focusing on the benefits of goal setting).

i believe a lot of what i have yet , to offer is my confidence. my excuse is that being around such an amazing group of intelligent and wise people, i believe everything i have to offer is old news, sophmoric and uninteresting. i've recently been told that this is not true, but i have the hardest time seeing it any other way. the things i know seem so simple that everyone should already know them.

i've always felt like i was latent. i'm 32 years old and yet i feel 26. i have always felt like i catch on to things later than others my age and it has taken me longer to build the age-appropriate confidence. i think my holding back is a symptom of my need to feel like i really know something well before offering myself. (of course, there are exceptions to that rule, but much of the time it is true).

and yet, at the same time, i feel like i sometimes have a wisdom beyond my years.

it all goes to show that the way i see myself and the way i think others see me are often two very different things.

checking in before bed

Hmmm ... not many blog posts lately ... I must not be procrastinating enough.

Yes, 'tis true, I've been quite busy with school this semester and it doesn't look like things are going to cool down anytime soon. I don't mind the work all that much, and I'm still taking time out to see friends, so I think I'll make it through the semester in one piece ... or at least I should be easy to glue back together!

This is just a brief note to let friends know that I just updated my photo site with pictures from Costa Rica. If you know me, you know where to find the photos. Enjoy!

Stress

At the end of last semester, one of our professors said, "By the end of spring semester, you'll need to decide what your thesis is going to be". What she didn't say is that, basically, we need to know what our research question will be by the 3rd week of the semester.

I feel so unprepared to figure out what I want to spend the next year and a half researching - especially since most of the topic I am interested in just aren't feasible to take on for a Master's Thesis.

My interests are in team work (many aspects), leadership development, change management and organizational citizenship behavior. Most of the research topics I have thought of require access to populations that may be hard to gain access to and projects that require some element of a longitudinal study (i.e. certain communication styles in virtual teams and their effect on team performance).

Needless to say, the lack of a thesis idea at this time is causing me great stress. I keep reminding myself that it's only a thesis project and it's not that big a deal ... but then I remember that this is something I am going to be sick of by the time I am done, so I'd better love it now. And that it's probably better to choose a topic that I want some expertise in so that when I have finished my degree, I have some marketable skill and knowledge above and beyond the coursework I will have completed.

Obviously research should also extend our knowledge of some topic and be of some benefit to the public.

What's most interesting (to me) is to watch myself through this process ... to notice the times when I just completely shut down vs. the times that I gather my will and charge of in another direction to explore possibilities.

Today, I am in the middle. Obviously, the fact that I am blogging right now shows some form of avoidance and lack of effort. I don't always do so well with the big unknown.

Here's the latest thesis idea: tell me what you think.

I've always been fascinated with how we behave at work. For many of us, the way we express ourselves at work is quite different than how we express ourselves outside of work (especially those who work in the corporate environment). One possible research question is to discover if there is a correlation between an individual's percieved level of freedom of expression and their job satisfaction. In other words, if you feel completely free to express yourself at work are you more/less satisfied with your job than someone who feels restricted in their expression?

That ... or the effects of mass quantities of fried foods and chocolate on my gut.

If the president were a gangsta

Reprinted , without permission, but for your pleasure ... a portion of the president's State of the Union address from Jan. 28th translated by 'Gizoogle' :

President Deliva "State of tha Union"
The U.S. Capitol

9:01 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT fo yo bitch ass: Mr. Pushas Vice President Cheney, memba of Congress, distinguished citizens n fellow citizens: Every year, by law n by custom, we meet hizzle ta killa tha state of tha union droppin hits. This year, we pimp in this chamba deeply aware of decisive days tizzle lie aheezee.

You n I serve our country in a tizzy of bootylicious consequence. Dur'n this session of Congress, we have tha duty ta reform domestic programs vital ta our country; we have tha opportunity ta save millions of lives abroad fizzy a terrible diseaze. We wiznill wizzork fo' a prosperity that is broadly shared, n we wiznill answa every danga n every enemy that threatens tha American people . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. (Applause.)

In all these days of promise n days of spendin' we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change n hope n peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, n our union is strong cuz its a pimp thang. (Applause.)

This country has many challenges. We wizzay not deny, we wizzay not ignore, we will not pass along our problems ta otha Congresses, ta otha presidents, n pimp generizzles fo shizzle. (Applause.) We wizzle confront thizzay wit focus n clarity n courage . Real niggas recognize the realness..

Dur'n tha last two years, we have seen wizzy can be accomplished whizzen we wizzay nigga . Nigga get shut up or get wet up. To lift tha standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform -- whiznich miznust now be carried out in every schoo' n in every classroom, so that every child in America can read n learn n succeed in life. (Applause.) To protect our country, we reorganized our government n created tha Department of Homeland Securizzles which is mobiliz'n against tha threats of a new era ridin' in mah double R. To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered tha largest tax relief in a generizzles. (Applause.) To insist on integrity in American business we passed tough reforms, n we is hold'n corporate criminals ta account. (Applause.)

Some miznight cizzall this a good record; I cizzall it a good start. Tonight I ask tha Hizouse n Senate ta join me in tha next bold steps ta serve our fellow citizens puttin tha smack down.

Our F-to-tha-izzirst goal is clear so bow down to the bow wow: We must have an economy thizzat grows fizzle enough ta employ every dawg n woman who seeks a job. (Applause.) Brotha recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals n stiznock market declines, our economy is recover'n -- yet it's not sippin' fizzay enough, or strongly enough. Wit unemployment blingin' our nation needs mizzy small businizzles ta open, mizzy companies ta invest n expand, more employa ta put up tha sign tizzy says, "Help Wanted." (Applause.)

Jobs is created wizzle tha economy grows; tha economy grows when Americans hizzle more money ta spend n invest; n tha best n fairest way ta makes sure Americans hizzy tizzle money is not ta tax it away in tha fizzay place . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)

I am propos'n tizzy all tha income tax reductions set fo' 2004 n 2006 be made permanent n effective this year. (Applause.) And shot calla mah pliznan, as soon as I sign tha B-to-tha-izzill, this extra money wizzill stiznart dippin' up in worka' paychecks . Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Instead of gradually reduc'n tha marriage penalty, we should do it now . Holla!. (Applause.) Instead of slowly rais'n tha child credit ta $1,000, we should send tha checks ta American families now . Im crazy, you can't phase me. (Applause.)

# 93

I started working out today. The beginning of a year-long commitment to go to the gym 3-days a week to build muscle, get in better shape and sweat like a smelly farm animal in front of strangers in spandex.

No, I wouldn’t be caught dead in spandex.

After a morning of bench presses, curls, flys and the like, I anticipated that tomorrow might be a sore day for my upper body.

What I didn’t expect was not being able to dry my head after my shower. Somehow my arms … just … wouldn’t … lift … above … my head.

They didn’t hurt.
They were fine a minute ago.

Good lord! I think some bizarre combination of working out and hot water shrunk my biceps!

Maybe I created so much muscle in one workout that I am not yet strong enough to use it! That must be it!

(This does not bode well for future workouts.)

In a year from now, I’ll be, like, all buff-n-shit, but I won’t be able to stand up or feed myself.
I’ll be the best in-shape invalid that ever didn’t walk the earth!

Well, everybody needs to make a name for themselves somehow.
I guess this is my destiny.

in briefs

The fruit of my loom, my family jewels, if you will, are now gently tucked away in $20 underwear.

When did a single f*in pair of mens underwear become $20? Really now. Is that necessary?

I went to Macy's after school today to look for a few articles of clothing for the gym. My friend J and I are starting a 3-day/week workout regimen and I figured maybe it would be nice to (a) not look like a grub, and (b) have some support for the team.

When I first got to the store I asked a clerk if they carried any men's athletic wear. The woman said, "Well, we have some Nike and Adidas over there, but I don't think it's for athletics". I told her that I was looking for something to wear to the gym and she repeated, "Well, we carry Nike and Adidas, but I don't think it's for the gym or for sports or anything".

When I got to the Nike and Adidas section, it was all running clothes and basketball jerseys, etc. Apparantly you don't actually wear this stuff to be athletic anymore. On the contrary, people don't even want their athletic wear to get dirty. It's really all about fashion.

*@#(*^$@^!*(&^#$@($! Excuse me, but isn't athletic wear for athletes!? Aren't you supposed to get a little sweaty while wearing athletic wear? ISN'T IT DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY SPORTS OR USE THE GYM!?

I am very depressed.

Anyway, after realizing that they only make athletic wear for fashion and that it only comes in sizes XL, XXL, and XXXL anyway, I decided I would just buy some socks and underwear. I had some money leftover on a gift card that I got for Christmas which is why I decided to go to Macy's in the first place.

So, when I get to the underwear section, my choices are Polo Ralph Lauren, 2Xist, Tommy Hilfigur, Puma, etc. and a single pair of boxer briefs cost between $18-$26. For fucks sake!

I had $18 left on the gift card. So, I went to Macy's and all I got was this lousy pair of underwear.

I've decided for $18 they are good enough to wear without pants.
Tomorrow, I am only wearing my brand new underwear

mountain high

Holy mary mother of high! I guess I haven't had caffeine in awhile, but I was craving a Mountain Dew this afternoon at school, so I had one.

I didn't think much about it until about 15 minutes after I began sipping away at that sweet nectar of the gods, when everything, and I mean everything, just became utterly euphoric. We're talking high as a kite, my friends ... angels singing to me from the clouds, birds speaking to me in a private language of love, people walking down the hall became my best friends ...

What the hell do they put in that stuff? Is it crack? No, I think it's probably better than crack. And it's legal! For only 75 cents you can have your own can of mountainous glory, a little bit of dewey heaven. True love in a little green can.

What's frightening is that, back in Boston, I used to drink 24-48 ounces of this stuff a day. EVERY DAY. And I don't recall ever feeling like I did today. Which leads me to think that the calm, subdued personality that everyone says I embody is really just part of a 12-year sugar crash from drinking so much Mountain Dew in the past. One of these days, I'll finally come out of it and be back to my pre-San Francisco energetic self.

But until then, I will savor my not-too-frequent adventures into caffeineland where the colors are brighter, the people are happier and I can jump buildings in a single bound!

customer disservice

Is it me, or has customer service gotten worse at just about every company out there?

I could strangle about 50 people right now for wasting my time dealing with shit they screwed up. Since I returned from my trip I've had problems with SFSU, Amazon, Verizon Rebates, Speakeasy, the DPT (well, they have always been a pain in the ass), and my worker's comp insurance company. And though I can write emails and letters and make phone calls ... there is little I can do to avoid the incompetency other than choose not to use their service (which is just not possible in most of those cases).

So what is one to do? Go postal? Sit back and take it like a chump? Breathe in, breathe out? Start ninja training?

Most of these places you can't get someone on the phone to save your life. If you do, it's after waiting for 40 minutes on the phone just to be told to send an email to their customer service.

It really seems like this has all gotten worse lately. Most of the organizations I listed above do not outsource their CS to other countries, so I don't think it's a matter of globalization of industry .. or maybe it is a side effect of that trend since more people are being asked to do more work with less resources in order to compete with companies who have outsourced their labor.

I don't know what it is, but it sure makes those places with good customer service stand out like angels.

If there is one benefit from all this hassle, it's that it has re-awakened my drive to only buy products from companies I want to support and from companies who actually value their customers. I know there are many of these organizations out there and they are going to get as much of my business as possible. I'll take courtesy over convenience most days.

Must ... wear ... pants ...

Wow. I'm home. It's cold here. I have to wear pants ... that sucks. But I had my first hot shower in 2 weeks, so that's kinda nice.

The time accordian is playing her tricks on me again. When in Costa Rica, it felt like I had been there forever and a day. Now that I am home, it feels like I never left (except for the 450 emails in my inbox and the stack of bills to pay!). I'm not quite sure why that happens, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the familiarity of home.

It's good to be back, though I am feeling a tiny bit of culture shock. I mean I just went from a world where I had no idea what day or time it was to a home with multiple responsibilities and deadlines; from wearing board shorts and sandals to coats and winter hats; from knowing nothing about world events to being innundated with the American Fear Obsession ... it's a bit much. I liked moving at a slower pace.

The great thing about this vacation (besides the relaxing) is that I feel more open than I did when I left. I feel like I have a larger capacity to deal with people and different situations. I think it comes from being in a place where meeting new people is the norm and it's so easy to accept new people in to your life. I also embraced the culture which is very much about taking your time and not worrying too much about anything. I can feel the difference here in the air. The city, though full of amazing and creative people, has a tension about it which I know will envelop me if I do not remain aware and conscious of maintaining the pace I want for my life.

I'm definitely also feeling a bit anti-social and tired. I'm not entirely sure why that is yet, but I feel like nesting a bit and hiding out. It kind of feels like I've been a different person for the past couple weeks and have to get used to my old skin again. This probably isn't making much sense because I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out of sorts. Suffice it to say, it's taking a little bit of transition to be home which surprises me because I wasn't gone very long.

I am looking forward to beginning a new exercise regiment next week. My friend J and I are going to start going to the gym 3 days a week and, though there will be days when I hate getting out of bed to do it, I know I am going to love how it makes me feel and the results on my health and physical strength.

My bed is actually calling out to me right now ... "J a s o n .... J a s o n ...." and you don't know how impossible it is to ignore that bed. She actually lured me into a 2 hour nap in the sun this afternoon. I was powerless against her mysterious ways. And now I shall heed her call ... because bed is one of those few places back home where I don't have to wear pants!

Last night in Paradise

Well, here we have it .. the last night in Costa Rica. I am sitting in a hostel in San Jose preparing to go to bed as I have to get up at 4am to go to the airport.

As I said previously, I lost a lot of my writing of my adventures along the way due to technical difficulties, but I am going to try to recap some of it now. Easier said than done ...

Santa Theresa:
On one of those days following the celebration of Joyce's last night, I decided to spend the day in Mal Pais and Santa Theresa where the beaches are pillow-soft and stretch on for as far as the eye can see. It is also one of the surfing hotspots in Costa Rica so most all of the men were bronze, broad-shouldered and chiseled and most of the women were bikini-perfect. You know, those 20 somethings that make you both envious and pissed off at how perfect they look. It was like walking onto a beach paradise photo magazine shoot or something.

Santa Theresa is where I realized I was truly relaxing as I managed to pass 8 hours doing absolutely nothing and not even noticing how much time had passed. When at home, I don't think I can go 20 minutes without feeling like I should be doing something!

The last days of Montezuma:
I returned to the waterfalls with my SF roommate Jennifer and her boyfriend Walter. This time, I climbed up to the upper falls where locals and traveler's alike can jump 30 feet into a deep, cool pool of water. I didn't do any jumping because me and swimming aren't the best of friends, but I watched many people do it and it looked fun in that "this is really dangereous and stupid" kind of way. The hike alone was pretty treacherous, but I am living to tell about it. Nuff said.

That night, I hung out with Jennifer, Walter and this girl Camille (from LA) at her bungalow. We spent the night talking, drawing and drinking lots and lots of rum. I met Camille at the pool that afternoon and she invited us up to her cush pad for the evening. It was lots of fun to hang out on the porch in hammocks and rocking chairs drawing with one another and getting away from the weekend madness of Montezuma. Oh, and did I mention we were drinking rum? Yum!

Of course, drinking rum until 3am and then getting up at 5am the next morning to take a very very bumpy boat ride across the sea is not such a great idea. Though I wasn't hung over, I think I was still a bit drunk which made the hour+ ride all the more adventurous. I can't say I enjoyed the back-crunching, bone-drenching ride across the Pacific, but it cut 5 hours out of my travel time which was worth it.

On the ride, I met an Isreali named Limor and a Canadian named Michael (who I had been on the bus with to Montezuma). We spent the rest of the day traveling together - which basically meant sitting on the side of the highway for 2 hours in the blistering heat waiting for the bus south to Quepos. We met many locals along the way, including Carla - a stunning 20 year old who was born and raised in this part of Costa Rica and hasn't ever been outside a 100 mile radius of home. She told me all about the dos and don'ts of the town and where to go for ladies night on Tuesday. I had to remind her I wasn't a lady, but then my Spanish is so-so, so I'm not sure what we were really talking about anyway.

Manuel Antonio:
(Okay, so recapping past days of my trip is actually not very fun nor easy to write about, so I'll spare you and cut to the highlights)

Sloths! Okay, I want to come back in another life as a sloth or at least have one as a pet. They're all zen-ninja-yoga-masters and totally cute ta boot. I was hoping to see a sloth stampede, but I suppose that will just have to happen next time.

Beaches! The beaches at the Manuel Antonio nature preserve are, like, the most scenic beaches I have ever been to. Totally lush and jungly and the water is like room temperature. Ahhhh.

Animals! I was going to write about all the stupid people in the park, but we all know about how stupid people are. Instead, I'll tell you that monkeys are cool! And so are iguanas and toucans and crazy big spiders and coatis and agoutis and ... sloths!

Basically, the last three days of my trip were spent on the beach and walking around the jungle. Due to a bus snafu, I wasn't able to visit one of the volcanos in Costa Rica, but that's how it goes. I wouldn't recommend the town of Manuel Antonio to anyone becuase it's basically a tourist trap-craphole of a town, but once inside the park, it's all worth it to get down there.

Okay, that's it for this Very Uninspired Post. I actually wasn't going to write anything about the end of my trip, but figured I might as well touch on a couple things. Apologies for the total lack of inspiration or quality story telling. I'll tell you more in person if you ask. I just don't want to be sitting behind a computer anymore!!

Drat! Foiled Again.

So last night I was 2/3 of the way through a brilliantly inspired blog entry when the power went out in town (as it happens to do every so often). Needless to say, I lost everything I wrote.

This was the second time this has happened which explains for the lack of story updates lately and/or the rather boring writing. That, and the fact that the internet moves slower than a tortoise on valium.

Tonight I am once again staying in Manuel Antonio. I was supposed to be on a bus to San Jose right now so I could go visit one of the volcanos in the morning, but we were unable to get me a ticket for the bus and so I am stuck here again. When I have time to write about what "here" is all about, you'll understand that things could be worse (though this isn't really my favorite place).

Funny thing though. I went to Quepos tonight to buy my ticket for tomorrow and in the random choices I made to walk around in different directions I came across 3 different groups of friends I had made in different parts of my travels - Carla, Steve and Melissa, and Rueben ... all in a matter of 30 minutes or so (and Quepos isn't exactly the place to be!)

So, I am uninspired at the moment and will leave you with no real insight into the last week or so of travel. I will catch up soon (probably tomorrow when the internet is free - yes, the WHOLE internet!) or when I am home this weekend avoiding the things I should be doing. Isn't it better that way?

Adventures soon to come ...

Attention Please: Nice Butt

I am happy to report that the past two days have yielded much growth and development in my life ... I can now, in perfect Dutch say, 'Attention Please: Nice Butt´ and ´My Guinea pig likes lettuce´ ... which, of course, can be rearranged to say, ´Attention Guinea pig, nice lettuce butt¨ if you truly wanted to insult your local Guinea pig. I think that I can leave Costa Rica knowing that I learned what I came here to learn.

In other news ... where did I leave off?

One of those days that already happened that wasn´t today (which is just about how well I am telling time these days), Joyce and Rueben and I decided to go to the Cabo Blanco nature reserve near Montezuma. We spent the day on a 9km hike through the jungle to the beach at the tip of the peninsula and back looking ever skyward for the Costa Rican tree sloth. Where we didn´t find the sloth we were looking for, we did see Howler monkeys (ok ... we HEARD Howler Monkeys), Agouti (which are glorified bunny rats), lizards, bats, butterflys and some of the freakiest insects you never wanted to see.

Take for example, the spider of gargantuan size. First of all, I somehow managed not to have a Indiana Jones moment and walk right into this thing such that it landed on my face. (No, that happened last night with the killer cockroach from outer space) The spider, thankfully, was just to the side of my head when I noticed it´s holy gargantuanness. Face pincers like ... well, like face pincers (do you really have to try to make those sound gross?) a long black body with flourescent yellow spots, and a leg span of about 30 feet (okay, maybe 30 tiny gekko feet). In other words, it was cool and gross and I never have to see one that close to my face again. Really now ... do we have to have creatures like this? Lo, it was mighty.

That night, we somehow managed to rally and tried to create some party action. We made it as far as Foosball games in the reggae bar and lots of beer on the beach next to a faux campfire (it was a mound of sand surrounded at the top by banana leaves with a candle in the middle) ... unique, but lacking somehow. Yet, when you can wear shorts and a T-shirt until 2am, you don´t really need a fire, do you?

Yesterday was mostly a lazy day. Joyce and I spent the day on the beach and in the ocean. In the afternoon, we drank fresh juices and she braided Rueben´s hair. I got a little crispy.

At night, we wanted to celebrate Joyce´s last day and all went out to dinner with Katie and Stephanie, the Austrians. (For those of you who know her, Stephanie just happens to be K. Tafel´s European double - not so much in appearance, but everything else - it was great fun to watch her talk and get all animated and excited like KT so often does!).

We heard about this new bar that was having a party hosted by DJ Sweat. Yes, the DJ Sweat! We decided to check it out. The bar was actually very cool and felt like a tropical taste of SF with the blacklit drapes across the tiki-bar-like roof and surrounded by a big tropical garden. The music eventually picked up and the room began to fill, but no once would dance. So I decided to work the room and get people on the dance floor (including my SF roommate Jennifer who, the night before, came walking around the corner with her boyfriend Walter as I was sitting down in the intersection in town. Weird. I love when you randomly run into people you know in remote corners of the world.)

We ended up dancing barefoot for hours on the circular hardwood dance floor and I had a really fucking great time. I never expected to get to dance like that on this trip and it was pretty great that over the past several years I have become totally unafraid to dance in front of people. In the past, I never would have been the person on the dance floor dancing my heart out and coaxing other people to come join in and have fun. It was good to try on a new role.

The music shut down around 2am and a few of us went to the beach to watch the stars and listen to the ocean. As people began to fade, Rueben and Joyce and I decided to stay up to watch the sunrise because Joyve had to leave super early anyway. We made it until about 5:30 when the sky was getting light which, we concluded, was good enough. We said our goodbyes on the beach and each headed to our various beds and pillows. Rueben heads to Mal Pais today and Joyce flies back to Gouda. I will miss them.

So today, I am tired, a little sunburned and quite happy. It´s been a good many days here and I am now starting to plan out my last week in Costa Rica. Tomorrow, I will check out Mal Pais, another beach town on the west coast of the peninsula, and then on Sunday will take a boat south to the Manuel Antonio reserve where I hope to see the elusive tree sloth.

I am certain I am forgetting to mention things I would otherwise like to remember to mention, but such is life without time schedules and important things to do - your brain turns to a nice, fruity mush.

I think I am off to take one of my twice-daily cold showers and find a nice shady spot on the beach to finish Angels and Demons.

ciao and have a nice butt!

There was no margherita in my marhgerritttt....

Yes, I'm a drittle but lunk. Yo creo que no hay margherita miz en mi margerita ... so be it.

Okay, so vacation only gets better. I hate to rub it in, but tropical paradises ... you just can't beat them.

Last night, I met John and Thomas and Guy and Molly. Ahhh. Thomas and John were Canadian, I don't know where Guy was from and Molly was from about 10 blocks from me in San Francisco. All great people though. Of note: Molly just happened to be a yoga teacher and massage therapist ... so we exchanged massages last night under the stars and by the sea. Can it really get any better than that after the truly relaxing day I had already had? The correct answer: no.

They all left this morning though (bummer!) and the town was feeling a little empty. I was feeling lonely for a little while until I decided to hike up to the waterfalls. Ay de mi! Beautiful!!

The falls were a little crowded, but it didn't matter b/c everyone was just in a great mood. And while there, I met Daniel (from Toronto) who quit his job after 14 years to travel and Joyce, a lovely young dutch woman who I had seen all over town the day before. We sat around talking and watching people jump off the falls, went for swims and baked in the hot, tropical sun.

On the hike back to Montezuma, we found ourselves in the midst of a family of white-faced monkeys traveling through the trees. This was my first Costa Rican wildlife experience and it was truly amazing. Monkey's are so cool!

We stopped at the little trailside food stand at the base of the trail where they serve various grilled meats in banana leaves. As we were sitting there, the cutest tiny little puppy you ever did see crawled on my lap and got comfy. Joyce and I gave her some water and then she slept in my lap for a half an hour. Joyce asked Guierrmo (the owner) if she could take her home to Holland with her. He said yes and proceeded to hand her the dog food, her medicine (with instructions). He then handed his wife and friend a beer to toast the departure of their little one. Needless to say, we couldn't really take the puppy with us. Besides, Joyce would have to fight me for her! We called her Vida (after "Pura Vida" which is the Costa Rican saying - it means "Pure Life") and vowed to go visit her tomorrow.

Then, like every good day in Montezuma, we found ourselves drifting in the ocean and laying in the hot sand. It's so good to meet people I like so much. Quality people all around. Joyce works with autistic people back in Gouda (pronounced How-da) despite the fact that she doesn't like cheese. Her English is really good so that allowed us to talk in depth about things other than "Where are you from?", "How long are you travelling?", etc.

What's even better is that while lying on the beach, I look up and there is Steven (from the plane and San Jose) with his friend Melissa! They arrived from San Jose that afternoon. So great to see people I enjoy spending time with!!

At sunset, Joyce and I went for a drink (where I had the infamous non-margherita margherita) and talked about relatonships, religion, music, etc. and played some pool. Now we are taking a rest before dinner and a night on the town with our collective friends.

Really, folks, this is the vacation I needed. I could stay here for a long long time. (Though Joyce is convincing me to go north where I can do a small eco-tour to watch sea turtle mama's lay their eggs at night. That sounds pretty good ... I might have to take her advice, she said it was one of the best things she has ever done in her life). Only time will tell.

I hope you are all well. Life is good.

Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about

Day 4:

Slept in until 8am
Walked 40 feet out my door to a chair on the beach
Watched crashing waves for an hour
Sunbathed
Took an hour-long nap
Read in a hammock
Lay in the sun again
Went on sunset walk on the rocks
Ate yummy vegetables

Next: In search of cocktail.

P.S. - I am never coming home. :)

Sweaty with a Smile

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the post we've all been waiting for ...

"What the hell was I thinking? I love it here and I'm never going home!"

Today we shall subtitle: The Agony and the Ecstacy. I woke early at 5am because that's just what happens these days. I don't think I've had a night of sleep more than 5 hours since I left San Francisco. I wanted to make sure I caught the early bus so I wouldn't miss the ferry to the Nicoya peninsula.

The morning began with the taxi driver taking me to the wrong bus station where I stood in line for 15 minutes before I thought to ask a local if this was the right place to buy a ticket for Puntarenas.

{If I haven't yet mentioned this, I don't recommend anyone travelling to Costa Rica without some Spanish under their belt. So few locals know any English (even hotel owners) despite the fact that the economy here is supported heavily by tourism. It is truly frustrating to do anything here as the Spanish I once knew is slow to return and meanwhile everything is as clear to me as Arabic or Chinese. Fortunately today was a good day for language as I somehow regained words and conjugations in leaps and bounds}

As luck would have it, I managed to get another Taxi to the bus station that had buses for Puntarenas. I made the 7am bus with a minute to spare. {Surprise of the day: Public transportation leaves on time here ... for the most part}.

The 2 hour bus ride was uneventful ... if uneventful means a large over-packed bus careening around narrow mountain roads with oncoming traffic and no guardrails. I managed to have an erratic conversation with the woman in the seat next to me though I couldn't tell you what we talked about. Today I relearned the art of nodding and smiling when you have no idea what the other person said, mixed with a small chuckle for good measure.

When I arrived in Puntarenas it was sweltering. Like crawl-out-of-your-skin hot. I ran into Adam and Liam from the hostel in San Jose who were on their way to Mal Pais for 7 weeks of surfing. We passed the time drinking Orange Fantas, talking about Costa Rican culture (i.e. making up stories for all the people milling about) and hiding in the shade. Oh, and the town smells like sewage. Fun fun!

We then embarked on the 1.5 hour ferry ride to the peninsula complaining about the heat the entire way. Fortuntately for us, the ferry sells beer. Mmmmmmm, ice cold beer.

On the other side, we went our seperate ways. They chose to spend $35 dollars each for a taxi across the peninsula whereas I opted for the $2 public bus where I learned the meaning of the phrase ¨packed in like sardines¨. Can we say hot? I mean, when even the locals are complaining about the heat, you know you are in for some trouble.

I again managed to have a disjoined conversation with the two women next to me on the bus. I was remarking about how I like that all the Costa Ricans are attractive people mainly because they are full of life and smiles. Of course, in Spanish I said something more like, Ï like you alot. Costa Ricans. No sad. Large smiles. Big life.¨ But, y´know, I got the point across. Whatever.

But then ... then, I tell you ... I received the golden ticket. I arrived in Montezuma after 7 hours of dreadful travel and though it is hardly off-the-beaten-path, it is a lovely little paradise on the coast and I will now call it home for the next 3-13 days. I found a room on the beach with hammocks and exotic birds just outside my window and fell in love with that which is not San Jose. So, to consecrate my love, I promptly lathered myself up and headed for the sand where I spent the next two hours bathing in hot, sweaty glory.

Motezuma is a small village which is honestly less than a quarter mile long and only a block deep. Nestled into some mountains, it is a mecca for backpackers, hippies and other roust-a-bouts. So far, I like it. And even though it is full with travelers, it doesn´t feel crowded.

I am quickly losing my interest in trying to write all this as it is 8pm and its prime time to be sitting on the beach in front of my room in shorts and a t-shirt. Jealous? You should be. Soon I will tell you all about the waterfalls, the beaches and the wildlife preserve at the end of the peninsula!

Sorry!

(Not.)